My Dad just got out of hosp again due to breathing he has chf, dibeatics, prostrate cancer, hbp, osto arthritis. Been at hosp 5x in 2 yrs. I've come to my ropes end, none of my family is or can't help out of 5. I do the appt, meds, house stuff, driver, sometimes alots groceries. I can't breath. Just me & my cat Holly which saves me. I have 6 grandchildren but can't c them much. I feel I gave up my kids & grandchildren to take care my parents. On top of that I caregiver 3 days a Wk live in I must have lost my mind. I had 2 huge cyst's taken out 9 wks today huge surgery & at the same time diagnosis with dibeatics, I can't sleep, feel totally overwhelmed & drained. Parents won't agree to getting a caregiver cuz I'm it. Can't get them to understand I Am Not Superwomen I can't do it all. Dad will call me almost everyday & ask if I'm coming over. I wanna run away can anyone out there understand I feel so alone here.
It's very difficult for many aging parents to understand (or perhaps they are in denial?) that their children aren't well but you need to be clear that you aren't well enough to provide this kind of care. Contact your Area Agency on Aging or your local Human Services and tell them that your parents need help and you are too sick to provide it. If you heal, you may be able to help more, but try not to get pulled into doing it all. Please try to remember that you deserve to heal properly and have a life, too. Let us know how you are doing.
Carol
What you do when your dad calls next is tell him that you can't come over, that you're taking some time for yourself and that you need a break. Give him the name of some home healthcare agencies in you area and let him know that you can no longer do this alone, you need your own life. Tell him what you told us.
But we can't expect people to figure out what we need. We can't expect someone to see that we need help. We're the only one who can do this for ourselves, no one else can or will do it. Take responsibility and get yourself some down time and time with your own family.
This is a solvable problem.
They outlawed slavery in this country a long time ago. You take control. You call the shots. "Here's what I'll do; and here's what YOU'LL do." Not a question. A statement.
Be prepared to help them get set up with outside help in one way or another...Meals on Wheels...get the Council on Aging involved to see what services they may qualify for...medical appointment transportation...housekeeping. Call their town to see what THEY may offer senior citizens. Yeah, it's going to cost some money. And they're going to have to find a way to come up with it. If they can't? Then the Council on Aging (or one of their arms) will help them come up with a plan.
Here's what mom gets/got FREE: wheelchair, hospital bed, oxygen, home health care for two months following hospitalization including shower/sponge bath twice a week, physical therapy, occupational therapy, twice weekly nurse visits. This following almost three months in a rehab facility getting her strength back.
Here's what she gets (or got) inexpensively: someone to come in once a week to shower/sponge back her -- $30/week. Meals on Wheels -- $5/day donation. Housekeeper 2 hours every other week -- $28/month. Snow shoveling by the village -- $10. Cab rides within her town -- $5 flat rate. Adult daycare -- $53/day. Medicar transportation there and back -- $60. A $1,000 stipend from the county to pay for respite care at $22/hour from their preferred list of providers.
It's time they spent some money. And it's time you took back your life. It's short, you know...
If your parents decided they don't want a paid Caregiver, then they have to take responsibility for that choice. If they don't want to move to independent or assistant living, again they have to take responsibility for that choice.
As for the groceries, do any of your groceries offer on-line shopping with home delivery or curbside pick-up delivery? I found it to be a life saver for me.
No one can understand except another caregiver.
Sound familiar?
But, we caregivers experience something other family members will never experience or understand; and we are richer for it. Our parents have loved their children for years and made their lives about their children for so long; what a gift to be able to give back what they gave us. There is a deep satisfaction that cannot be described.
Despite the rich rewards of knowing we're doing the right thing, and despite the special love we feel for our parent(s); we are so alone and so tired. We wonder if we will ever have a life again.
There is a wonderful community on Facebook started by a man, Rick Phelps, who was diagnosed with Early Dementia several years ago. He has written a book you can find on amazon called, "While I Still Can". The group is called, "Memory People". Just put it in the search bar on Facebook and you will find them. Amazing group of caregivers who are experiencing exactly what you are and fighting the same battle in one way or another.
My best advice is to get involved with "Memory People"; you learn a lot about Alzheimer and Dementia, and you are a member of a group that cares and loves in a way others cannot understand until they are in the same position some day (IF they choose to step into the role of caregiver).
God Bless You! You will make it through this!
The truth is...I had to play the I'm done card in order for things to finally get done, absolutely told them that if they didn't get my mom taken care of she was being dropped off at the hospital because my family just couldn't do it anymore.
I can only imagine what it would be like for you and so many others here. But I have to say that when you are at that point...start yelling and screaming...let the Adult protective services or seniors services know you can not do it any longer...you are burnt out and experiencing physical symptoms of the stress etc etc etc.
Be very clear there are no more options...it will get them motivated to help out.
(((Hugs))) and good luck...take care of yourself...you have not failed but have gone above and beyond.
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