My Dad just got out of hosp again due to breathing he has chf, dibeatics, prostrate cancer, hbp, osto arthritis. Been at hosp 5x in 2 yrs. I've come to my ropes end, none of my family is or can't help out of 5. I do the appt, meds, house stuff, driver, sometimes alots groceries. I can't breath. Just me & my cat Holly which saves me. I have 6 grandchildren but can't c them much. I feel I gave up my kids & grandchildren to take care my parents. On top of that I caregiver 3 days a Wk live in I must have lost my mind. I had 2 huge cyst's taken out 9 wks today huge surgery & at the same time diagnosis with dibeatics, I can't sleep, feel totally overwhelmed & drained. Parents won't agree to getting a caregiver cuz I'm it. Can't get them to understand I Am Not Superwomen I can't do it all. Dad will call me almost everyday & ask if I'm coming over. I wanna run away can anyone out there understand I feel so alone here.
I to have prayed that same prayer, but I am determined not to be anyone's burden when my time arrives. My sister insists that she and her daughters will look after me , so not to worry. I have made it clear that I will not impose on her daughters in this way and I will live my life my way . Funny how siblings just think they are right,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, turns my stomach at times !
I will not brag, but after reading your story , I feel that I am luckier than you , in that it is only medical , legal, and banking situations that need me there. The hard part is playing interpreture,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I am more than tired of explaining and justifying .
Hang in there ,your journey in caring has been harder than mine , I am here for you , and praise your efforts.
Lucy
dramatically. My father passed away in 93 , a total year of upheaval for me. Just 4 years into a new house, loosing my job of 20 years due to closure of the business and now added support for my mother who is alone .
I will not go into detail, but from 93 onward things have gotten more and more demanding and difficult and mother is still here ( she is now 94 and living alone in an apartment) . She speaks no fluent English, cannot deal with medical and legal issues because of the language deficiency is more that 50% deaf, but is as strong as an OX. I am frightened that she may outlast me health wise. I have medical issues of my own , diagnosed in 94 shortly after the death of my father with MS plus a few others like a lazy thyroid, depression, and on and on.
Time is running out and I must schedule both mom's and my medical appointment, along with that I still live independent alone in my own home ( which added issues to deal with such as repairs and renovations. I have not held a permanent job since 2007, and only this will be entitled to pension. I only have the one , never worked where the company had an employee pension of any kind. So, now the also added headache of finances.
I like you keep asking myself when is it enough and when if ever will I have a life of any kind.
To add to the questions is , yes , mother is still able t look after personal need , but is constantly told if it doesn't feel right , don't do till some one is here with you at the time.
I come home fuming angry from visits , I just whenever the phone rings, but as time moves I I have noticed that I am more mellow in my acceptance of looking after a parent,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,not fair , I agree, but so it is .
I support your efforts, and understand your anger.
I also have a sibling sister , and talking with her , I can see she has no understanding of what life could like when having to care for a parent in old age.
I wish you happiness, it may be a distance away , but you will receive it. I wish you strength to continue without too much anger , and most of all I wish you good health to continue the caring journey for as long as you are needed.
Lucy
Here's what worked for me -
I realized that he is, in many ways, like a toddler. He just wants what he wants, when he wants it. Period. It's useless to argue or try to get him to understand.
So, I just started to 'parent' him. I think about each situation and determine what's reasonable and that's what I do. Anything else he wants, I just say "I can't." I arrange alternatives and strongly suggest he do them.
It REALLY helped me to think of myself in the role of Mom rather than daughter.
Toddlers make lots of unreasonable (and even dangerous) demands. Moms decide which will be met.
My first step in breaking the overcommitment I'd drifted into with dad was to tell him that my work situation had changed (in your case, you have your health situation) and I'd no longer be able to drive him to his favorite coffee stop EVERY day. I'd made a reservation for him at the senior center for a couple of days a week and scheduled a ride for him. He balked and said he'd just sit home – just like toddlers do, unable to see how they might like anything other than what they want. But, I bullied him into trying. He now goes willingly several times a week. It's just his 'new normal'.
You're the Mom, you need to call the shots.
Most parents don't WANT a 'stranger' in their house as a caregiver. So what. Do you get everything you WANT?? Of course not, when we're lucky, we get what we NEED, sometimes not even that. You are certainly being shorted in that department in your current situation!
You know what to do, the hard part is doing it.
You will probably be much more able to provide a positive loving presence if you get some respite and real sleep.
No guilt necessary. I realize that this is easier to say when you live in an area like I do where nursing homes are, for the most part, progressive and considered very good to excellent. However, as was mentioned previously - if your health is destroyed, where would your mother be then? In a nursing home without your support.
It's time to get something in place for both of your sakes.
Carol
You are not alone with those hot flashes.... I went through that, as with most women, during menopause and was thrilled when the flashes were very far and very few between. Then my Dad stopped driving, and now I was their "driver", and oh my gosh, these people wanted to go places 2 to 3 times a day. After a year I started to get panic attacks while driving.... now 6 years later when I check the calendar and see I need to drive my parents some where the next day, the panic attacks and hot flashes start the night before :(
I like suggestions from fredflyer. getting a grocery service to deliver would be great. getting set up for something like a company that can take them to appointments would be helpful.
I agree that if they have declined caregivers to help them, then that is there decision. It is tough to see them suffer, but they are adults and are making their own choices. If dementia is involved then that is a different thing. They sound like good candidates for assisted living. If they won't consider that, then again, they are adults that are making choices for themselves even though they seem unwise. if they were teenagers or young adults, you would have to practice some tough love.
It is very difficult to see a parent age and loose the skills they once had. There is grief for you as their child to see and experience the switch from you as child and them as parents. It certainly is not easy by any means. Take good care of yourself. When you are healthier, it makes a really hard situation easier to handle. Life isn't fair. Some of us are the ones that the parents turn to to take care of them. Other siblings get off scott free and often don't listen to your distress. It might helpl to be very specific with your siblings. When you talk with them, ask them to just listen to your frustration. Or ask them to help you problem solve. They are probably scared to get drawn into the situation and while that is not fair to you, they probably withdraw because of it.
Take heart from what fits for you from my words and let the rest go. It is hard to know what any person is experiencing. You are not alone in this. Because our parents are living longer and longer with more and more health issues, there are many of us in this position.
You have to make a stand for yourself. Take care of you first. YES, easier said than done. Give yourself permission to feel guilty about not being available. And get some sleep.
Here we have Souther Caregivers. See what you can find in your area similar. They take care of the caregiver and offer support.
Bless you.