My Dad just got out of hosp again due to breathing he has chf, dibeatics, prostrate cancer, hbp, osto arthritis. Been at hosp 5x in 2 yrs. I've come to my ropes end, none of my family is or can't help out of 5. I do the appt, meds, house stuff, driver, sometimes alots groceries. I can't breath. Just me & my cat Holly which saves me. I have 6 grandchildren but can't c them much. I feel I gave up my kids & grandchildren to take care my parents. On top of that I caregiver 3 days a Wk live in I must have lost my mind. I had 2 huge cyst's taken out 9 wks today huge surgery & at the same time diagnosis with dibeatics, I can't sleep, feel totally overwhelmed & drained. Parents won't agree to getting a caregiver cuz I'm it. Can't get them to understand I Am Not Superwomen I can't do it all. Dad will call me almost everyday & ask if I'm coming over. I wanna run away can anyone out there understand I feel so alone here.
I can completely understand how you feel. I too am going through the very same thing; however, I live with my parent's.
You are only one person! You CANNOT continue to do everything. Stop going over everyday. You must give yourself a break. I have to learn to establish boundaries with my mother...as she was killing me.
If you father has all of these different ailments...I think he may qualify for hospice. Hospice does not mean that he is dying (my father is on Hospice). What it does mean is he is in ill heal and needs the type of care that only Hospice can provide which means someone (a nurse) would come in at least 2 times a week and make sure that he is okay. They also offer assistance by way of medication (free) my pharmacy delivers. They will come in and bath you father, and so much more. You really need to check into this...so, YOU can step back. It is rare that we end up taking care of both parent's at the same time. So, we share this commonality. If you don't do something to help YOU...it will continue to take you down.
Our bodies can only take so much before WE start to crumbly!
Also, look into HomeHealth. At this point, and I mean no disrespect...it doesn't matter what your parent's want. You could get HomeHealth to come in or Hospice to come in and on those days you get to stay home and take care of yourself.
I'm sorry if any of this came across as harsh. That is certainly not my intention. I understand being physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually depleted. I had to find out all this info the hard way, and I sure wish someone would have been there to give me the advice I'm giving you now. I thought I was going to die. I'm a bit better now, and getting stronger. Best of luck to you and your parent's.
Fluter
The truth is...I had to play the I'm done card in order for things to finally get done, absolutely told them that if they didn't get my mom taken care of she was being dropped off at the hospital because my family just couldn't do it anymore.
I can only imagine what it would be like for you and so many others here. But I have to say that when you are at that point...start yelling and screaming...let the Adult protective services or seniors services know you can not do it any longer...you are burnt out and experiencing physical symptoms of the stress etc etc etc.
Be very clear there are no more options...it will get them motivated to help out.
(((Hugs))) and good luck...take care of yourself...you have not failed but have gone above and beyond.
Deetired, I know this is hard to digest, but 1 out of every 3 Caregiver passes on leaving behind the love one they were caring. Those are NOT good odds. Then what would your parents do if you weren't around... they probably would hire someone to help them out.
Just say "no".... "sorry not today".... "maybe I can help you with that next week".... one time I said to my parents "Sorry, but I am too old to do that any more" back when my Dad wanted me to climb up into the attic and bring down boxes. You have to learn to de-spoil them. It's not an easy task, I know I am emotionally drained trying to say no. But I am having more good days than bad now :)
I agree--you have to take care of yourself. I feel stressed out all the time trying to help my mom and working full time. I am trying to see what she can do on her own and what she cannot and then help appropriately, but it is tricky. I tend to overdo it and serve myself up on a plate to be anything she needs too much of the time. However, since I have been reading posts on this site , I have more determination to figure out how to detach and take some of my life back so I do not completely lose myself. I am so grateful for everyone's suggestions. Why do we have guilt for wanting to enjoy the rest of our family? Why do we have guilt for taking a short vacation or not doing everything just perfectly all the time? I think so much of this determination to help parents comes from people who really really care and tend to be very kind-hearted. Throw in some lifelong learned guilt and that is the combination for losing yourself. Let's keep helping one another and baby steps count!
My retired Dad refuses to hire help for my sick Mom, and insists I quit my job to be caregiver. How can I deal with this situation? Does this sound a bit like your situation?
My reply: When you raise children, you give them choices, which allows them to begin to assert some independence. The trick is to offer only the choices you are willing to accept. I would suggest you use the same approach with your father. "I will do this, or I will do that." (Through this process you are also establishing your boundary lines.)
Barbara M., author
What to Do about Mama?
No one can understand except another caregiver.
Sound familiar?
But, we caregivers experience something other family members will never experience or understand; and we are richer for it. Our parents have loved their children for years and made their lives about their children for so long; what a gift to be able to give back what they gave us. There is a deep satisfaction that cannot be described.
Despite the rich rewards of knowing we're doing the right thing, and despite the special love we feel for our parent(s); we are so alone and so tired. We wonder if we will ever have a life again.
There is a wonderful community on Facebook started by a man, Rick Phelps, who was diagnosed with Early Dementia several years ago. He has written a book you can find on amazon called, "While I Still Can". The group is called, "Memory People". Just put it in the search bar on Facebook and you will find them. Amazing group of caregivers who are experiencing exactly what you are and fighting the same battle in one way or another.
My best advice is to get involved with "Memory People"; you learn a lot about Alzheimer and Dementia, and you are a member of a group that cares and loves in a way others cannot understand until they are in the same position some day (IF they choose to step into the role of caregiver).
God Bless You! You will make it through this!
It's very difficult for many aging parents to understand (or perhaps they are in denial?) that their children aren't well but you need to be clear that you aren't well enough to provide this kind of care. Contact your Area Agency on Aging or your local Human Services and tell them that your parents need help and you are too sick to provide it. If you heal, you may be able to help more, but try not to get pulled into doing it all. Please try to remember that you deserve to heal properly and have a life, too. Let us know how you are doing.
Carol
Stop . . . .
Do what you can only do for today . . . .
Find a caregiver . . . . (they should pay for it)
You are not Superwoman . . . .
I don't want you to have a nervous breakdown . . .
You need to love yourself . . . you are loved by all of us.
Remember that.
We are here for you, and if you lived nearby, I would assist you and then we would find a viable way to make it work.
Remember . . you cannot do it alone. at all.
you need to worry about you first, without you, you are good to know one.
Thank you for doing the best you could. . . . NO MORE . . .TIME FOR YOU SWEETIE!
If your parents decided they don't want a paid Caregiver, then they have to take responsibility for that choice. If they don't want to move to independent or assistant living, again they have to take responsibility for that choice.
As for the groceries, do any of your groceries offer on-line shopping with home delivery or curbside pick-up delivery? I found it to be a life saver for me.
Look after you and spend more time with your grandkids those years are special and you can never get them back both my grandparents from both sides died young so i never knew them and its something i really wish id had growing up!
Hugs as im in the same position and yes overwhelmed with the stress of caring for mum alone they have no idea just how much we do for them and mum has no comprehension of ME having a break she thinks well youre here anyway and still thinks shes independent??.
They outlawed slavery in this country a long time ago. You take control. You call the shots. "Here's what I'll do; and here's what YOU'LL do." Not a question. A statement.
Be prepared to help them get set up with outside help in one way or another...Meals on Wheels...get the Council on Aging involved to see what services they may qualify for...medical appointment transportation...housekeeping. Call their town to see what THEY may offer senior citizens. Yeah, it's going to cost some money. And they're going to have to find a way to come up with it. If they can't? Then the Council on Aging (or one of their arms) will help them come up with a plan.
Here's what mom gets/got FREE: wheelchair, hospital bed, oxygen, home health care for two months following hospitalization including shower/sponge bath twice a week, physical therapy, occupational therapy, twice weekly nurse visits. This following almost three months in a rehab facility getting her strength back.
Here's what she gets (or got) inexpensively: someone to come in once a week to shower/sponge back her -- $30/week. Meals on Wheels -- $5/day donation. Housekeeper 2 hours every other week -- $28/month. Snow shoveling by the village -- $10. Cab rides within her town -- $5 flat rate. Adult daycare -- $53/day. Medicar transportation there and back -- $60. A $1,000 stipend from the county to pay for respite care at $22/hour from their preferred list of providers.
It's time they spent some money. And it's time you took back your life. It's short, you know...