I always thought it was an obligation for parents to raise their children to become responsible adults and productive members of society. Responsible adult children move out into the world, financially support themselves, raise families of their own and save for their own retirements. Responsible adult children do not live off their parents. Should not elderly parents be required the same responsibilities as their adult children? Adult children were not born to be the salvation for their elderly parents. Caring for elderly parents is a choice not a debt.
Simply giving your genes to someone, or even simply carrying someone for 9 months, doesn't give you the right to expect 10 or 40 years of care from your offspring. I had wonderful parents, and feel cheated that my mother passed so quickly that I never got to care for her. During the short time I was caring for my father, he was sometimes very verbally abusive, but I could ignore that because of the previous 50 years of love. On the other hand, my BFF's mother was monstrous in her "mothering." My BFF made sure she got the care she needed, and visited at least monthly. She really disliked going, but she did it. I admired her for doing it, but would have understood if she had done much less.
I think that people have a responsibility to take care of their parents, unless the parents were pretty awful. I think that "taking care of" doesn't have to mean giving your parents everything they demand, or destroying your own family, health and finances. I think that children who abandon their parents without a darn good reason, who foist their care off onto siblings, are not to be respected or admired. I think that some, not all, parents who get abandoned, made their own bed and now have to lie in it.
Is home care. This can be difficult. There
May not be time, needed resources, ability or
Skill, money...etc. I think we can all
Appreciate that..
But the second is when they re in a nursing
Home. Here there is no responsibility to
The family
You can always walk away.
It is here where I get upset. As I mentioned
Earlier in a post. Oh these people have
Family.....
Why if you live far away, you can't make
it back.....but not even send a card.
I was Santa helper for two years...all I could
Stand to do.
First year I had a couple of delivered to make.
One was a lady with a organic brain problem
...I give her the box, and she asked if
All her kids were dead.
Another lady opened hers...and started crying
She them said....at least you remembered
Me santy
The last year there was a fellow in
Overalls, one leg was missing
Due to amputation due diabetes...
When I got up to him his eyes were
Wet...we talk and he said he just couldn't figure
Out what he did wrong that his kids hater
Him.
The last was a very frail lady. You could
See she was not long for this world.
The girls pick out a top and sweater in
Her favorite color...the girls made
The ticket out that it was from her children.
She cried, they remembered me...she passed
Away about a week later....
the other was a lady who had organic
Brain disease....we had a gift...come
To find out the kids could not stand
To see her that way.....which I guess
I could understand.....but not send
Anything.
I could not do it a third year.....it bothered
Me too much.
Perhaps we should take care of each other as a society. See a person in need--lend a hand, see your elder neighbor alone- sit with him, see a resident without a visitor-visit them. We do not know the stories of their children. Our own hearts can we but follow.
Also---I love my daughter no less knowing she cannot take care of me in my elder years.
So, yeah, just really crabby, here. I apologise.
Besides as I said before, my mother WANTS to go to a nursing home. Yes, I know that sounds crazy and she is not doing this out of love and concern for her children. She thinks we want her money and this is her way of saying to us, "F You". Neither my brother nor I have ever asked for and taken one red cent from this woman. We cost her nothing except food and shelter, and I mean nothing. She has no friends, treated my father terribly and triangulates her children. So please don't preach to me or those who have a different opinion.
I have never seen it written that just because someone doesn't live in the same state as their parents, they automatically don't care about them. So if they live in the same town, the love meter registers ultimate caring and love? Sounds like YOU are judging, something you say you do not want done to you. You don't know their family dynamics any more than they know yours.
The last two sentences in your post were very unkind and judgmental. You either didn't read every post on this thread or you chose to ignore the fact there are others who were not as fortunate as you are to have a loving mother. It would have been wonderful to have a sweet mom like you have. Unfortunately I, and many others on here, did not.
And P.S. - to that sentence - you don't know my family dynamics as you put it - that wasn't always the case. It's taken years to get over some of her abuse but I've forgiven her and I don't mind the care giving. She always had a good heart - she wasn't always mentally stable until she got on meds.
I made the mistake of telling her the dr. said my mom can't live alone anymore, (we as a family covered mom 24/7 while we waited to get a diagnosis from a neurologist),after I told my manager this, she started scheduling me to work 5 days a week, calling me in on my days off and it was suspicious to me that she started doing that to my schedule as prior to that conversation, I never was called to come in on my days off.
WOW - this happened to me too! I wasn't even told we had 12 weeks for FMLA and not just 4 weeks. My boss said he didn't know. Bull!! Then when I realized what was actually covered by my colleagues - it wasn't crap! Then I get the talk I have to be really focused on my job and not screw up now that I've been out a few weeks - are you kidding me? I'm tired, over stressed and none of these co-workers are caregivers, nor would they be. Amazing. I just pray daily that god doesn't give me more than I can handle. Mother is back in hospital and more testing etc...I just wish we could turn back time sometimes. I pray for all caregivers to have strength and call out to angels if you need them. I have to when I wake up crying in a panic. Hope folks have a good day.
So even if you begin to care for your parent with the best of intentions, remember that life causes the best of plans to be re-assessed and adjusted. Just be sure to take care of yourself in the process!
I don't think it's about honour or duty it's about how you feel inside about the person you care for, how you were treated by them and a myriad of other things we don't even understand or perhaps recognize. I think that your feelings do change somewhat as the your parent's illnesses deteriorate into something you could never have envisaged when you first agreed to care. For me I don't see her so much as my mother anymore more an elderly person whose needs I meet...sad I know but that is me being honest. If that's bad then I am bad, if it's normal then hell yes I am normal for once!
I think this is a discussion we should all have with our kids. I know I absolutely DO NOT want my son or his family taking me into their home when I can no longer live on my own. I want to be put in an appropriate care facility and if I'm on any meds I want them stopped. I have an obligation to let my family know what I want done. To me this is as important as filling out that advanced directive!
As far as what society thinks I don't really care. But, I would suggest they not judge too harshly until they've walked a mile in a caregivers shoes.