Why does society think we owe our elderly parents?

What's the betting that when the strain of the aging population becomes too much for the economy to bear euthanasia becomes legalised; while I 100% approve of euthenasia providing it is legislated for sufficiently to prevent abuse, I am opposed to it being brought in to sdolve financial strain. Much as I am loathe to say it, globally there IS an expectation that we will care for our parents if there is insufficient funds. My mum is 92, well past the life expectancy of her parents and her financial planning. She is at the stage now where she no longer wants to live as she has lost the quality of life she enjoyed so very much. So mixed in with all that complexity - and the guilt trip she has life long applied where do children go to manage their parents care. She doesn't want to sell her home - in lucid moments she is absolutely adamant about this and when asked what she plans to do she will always say my daughter will look after me its her DUTY.

tryingmybest, one way I look at it, look at how many Caregivers are now out of the workforce, thus not contributing to Social Security or Medicare, to add money to the coffers.... plus the Caregivers are not stimulating the economy because without income they cannot go out to buy commercial goods.

If there were more means of getting trained certified Caregivers paid by either the family or through government programs, and allowing 2 to 3 shifts at home, that would bring more people to the workforce.... a relative who wants to be a Caregiver would have to be trained and certified before government funds would start paying out for one shift.

Just food for thought.

What we really need are seminars or classes before we jump into being a caregiver. I know most of the time aging sneaking up on us and our parents suddenly had gotten old to a point of needing help like yesterday.

Some how we need to get the word out to the next generation to BE READY for when and if the time comes that their parents [meaning us] need their help in whatever form they can provide.

I appreciated reading your post CarlaCB and I completely agree. In an ideal world all the siblings would have equal resources and opportunity to care for the elders but in reality it's not often the case. The brunt of the caregiving should not fall on one persons shoulders even if they are the most able. I agree, a loving, caring society should have a decent system in place to help with caring for the elder population. For those in gov. who only see $$$ I would be willing to bet that in the long run it's cheaper to help families care for elderly than to have them give up and let medicaid take over.

I am not aware that society thinks we owe our elderly parents? We don't have the respect for the elderly that once existed, but with the retirement of the baby boomers, we are about to see the largest population of seniors that our country has ever seen. It will interesting to see what changes that brings about in society.

The oldest baby boomer is 69 and the youngest is 51. Some of these in their early 50's still have children in college. This places them in a sandwich between their college age children and their elderly parents. That is a very tough place to be as is being in one's 60's and having elderly parents.

Christianity does teach the care of one's elderly parents, but Christianity does not appear to have the influence in society that it once had. I think the thing people need to keep in mind about Christian teaching is it does not specify taking care of the elderly parent in one's own home or moving into one's parents home. Neither does it say to so give oneself to one's parent as to neglect one's spouse, children and one's health. This site is full of stories where a person's life gets out of balance in caregiving and collateral damage is the result. I would not think that a parent in their right mind would want their adult children to neglect their spouse, children and their own health. However, a narcissistic parent could care less.

It is interesting that II Corinthians 12:14 says ". . . After all, children should not have to save up for their parents, but parents for their children." In other words, it is not up to the adult child to save up for the parents' retirement. I've read several stories here where the adult child has spent their own retirement money in taking care of their parent, selling their home, leaving their job all of which puts many of them in jeopardy about their own retirement and having somewhere to live. I think parents need to have taken some responsibility for their own retirement down through the years, but some don't or they don't have enough because they live much longer than expected. That is where I believe Medicaid needs to come into the picture. Again, I can't imagine that a parent would want their adult child to sacrifice their own retirement and housing future. However, a narcissist would care less.

Both of my parents planned for their retirement. The only thing they expected of me was to make sure they were cared for and safe as their POA.

I think in the near future, we will have some broke, homeless babyboomers who are going to need some help as they continue to age, but no longer have any money and can't work anymore.

We do seem to have many stories on this site of narcissistic and borderline parents who have a great sense of entitlement upon their adult children for them to personally take care of them via what we call F.O.G., fear, obligation and guilt. This makes it extremely difficult for the adult child to have healthy boundaries and make some of the tough decisions that sometimes have to be made.

As old as our parents are living, I doubt there will be much money to inherit at all. One very sad dynamic that is repeated her often is how many siblings do not help in any way at all. Too many single adults are automatically enlisted by the family to be the caretaker and then abandoned. For some reason, there seems to be many grandchildren taking care of grandparents when they should be getting their life started.

I have concluded that this whole issue of caring for aging parents is very complicated and that a one size fits all situations is really not possible.

I think we are called to care and look out for each other. I am a Christian, but this isn't religion talking. If you take a look at America today, you'll find a lot of selfish living. I'm not trying to be disrespectful to the country that I love and live in, but we are living in an illusion of "greatness". We are in over our head in debt, most of us are medicated on some level, drug abuse, we worship athletes, actors and musicians instead of our Creator, etc....

It seems like it takes disasters to bring out the best in us, the thing that is natural and loving. At the end of the day, it's about the love that you have given to others.

And for those who feel forced into caring for someone who was not able to love you in return, it's ultimately about you finding healing and forgiveness and maybe finding a deeper way of loving. Nothing easy about it and it hurts, love can do that.

The traditional Native Indian Americans honor their elders and view them as valuable and containing much wisdom. Unfortunately America tends to be a throw away society and if you aren't fast enough, pretty enough, or "contributing" enough, we'll just throw you out and "upgrade". We are not machines.

Life isn't "fair" but it always has something to teach us if we are open to it.

nojoy3, what a very well written post. You're absolutely right, in most cases it gets dumped on one adult child.

freqflyer, you seem to think if you had siblings you would have help. That is not always the case. I would rather have been an only child, because when it came down to it I was the "only child". My do nothing brother never lifted a finger.

As I have posted before he was on a plane the day after my father died, but couldn't be bothered to get on a plane and see him while he lay dying for 4 days. But had no problem arriving on the scene for his cut. He was so transparent it was frightening.

I now tell anyone who asks that I am an only child.

It is a much bigger "sting" to know there are siblings who could help, but chose no to, than to be doing it on you own because there are no siblings.

I think adhering to the principle that adult children should take care of their parents is just not feasible anymore. Not only are families too scattered, but people are just living too long. People are living into their children's old age. Adult children in their 50's, 60's and older are struggling with their own health issues, or their spouse's. And it's not like taking care of someone for a few months or a year. You can put the rest of your life on hold for that long. But when it goes on for years, putting one's life on hold for that long becomes more than should be asked of someone, IMO. In principle, I like the idea of the parent dividing their time up and staying a few months per year with each child to share the burden, but in practice that rarely works. The parent insists on staying home, or one child is sick, another has a sick spouse, another lives in a 5th floor walk-up, another is single and works long hours, etc etc. It's just not manageable for many people even with the burden split up. I think the solution is better and low priced (govt subsidized) long term care facilities, or heavily subsidized home care.

In my family there are 7 grown children, all living. You'd think that would be plenty to manage on mother, but it's not. Of the grown kids, three are retired, one is disabled, and the others are still working and putting kids through college. Nobody has much money to spare, the ones who have time and freedom to help out (the retired ones) are not in good health. The exception is me. I'm retired and in good health, so I've borne the brunt of the responsibility. But my life has been on hold for 4+ years now, and I'm sick of it. I'm desperate for the chance to build a life for myself that does not revolve around my mother's needs. But there's nobody willing and able to pick up the slack, even with 6 siblings. That's how it works. I know my situation is not at all unique.

ff - I have sympathy for you. My mother never cared for her parents either. Her brother and his wife did and her mother died at 72 and her father at 82. At my age (77) mother was travelling where and when she wanted to with no responsibilities to anyone. I quit work, granted at 73, but would have continued longer if not for the interruptions due to caring for mother and the health issues that emerged in me from that. She has no idea of the toll it has taken in me physically and emotionally , and that after a lifetime of psychological stress due to her mental illness. Finally now with her at age 102 and me still wrestling with my health issues, I think my involvement has lessened as she is well placed in a facility. She is physically healthy, though declining generally, and can go on for a while yet. I suppose once her health deteriorates more, I may have to become more involved again. I still deal with her business and do other things for her and struggle to find the time and energy to deal with my own stuff. Thank goodness for on line ordering.

I hear you, freqflyer. My mother had 20 years of carefree retirement and only started paying attention to her grown children when she started needing help. Before that she was flitting around the country with her many retired friends, all of whom are MIA now that she's so disabled. My mother's parents took care of themselves (and each other) until their deaths. Since I retired (and before), I've been stuck in one place taking care of Mom. I too hope your health holds out so that you have a quality life after the caregiving ends. I've never even been sick, and I'm already desperate to live my life while I have it, not to have to wait until my mother dies. The idea that I may be spending my last good years chained at the hip to Mom is pretty much intolerable.

One issue I have is that my parents never took care of their own parents because said parents lived many States away and there were a ton of siblings, nieces and nephews to help.

My parents have no clue how much stress there is, as I am an only child with no children, and I am into the sixth year of helping out.

My parents have enjoyed 25 years of fun filled retirement... I just hope I can keep my cancer in remission so that in the future after my parents have passed maybe I could carve myself a tiny bit of retirement pleasure, a year or two. All that fugal savings for what?

burnedout13, do you have any help? I don't remember reading if you said you did. But God bless you for doing what you do. It is sooo hard. I am really thinking if I live that long I want to be put in a home and not give my children that burden for all that I have been through. Get as much help as you can, and take care of yourself, get away, do things for yourself it's so important that is what I am learning.

If we, the children don't take care of our folks then who will. The cost of LTC is so expensive and as nice as it would be to have LTC insurance the cost for it is prohibitive for most. I think the problem is that families don't work together to take care of their parents. It usually gets totally dumped on one member of the family while the rest of the family goes about their merry lives with no useful involvement. It's the individual families that need to change their behavior and realize that it is a " family affair" to care for the folks not just one siblings responsibility. Society in general may expect children to care for their parents in their old age, but I don't think it dictates how we do it. I don't think society cares if we take care of Mom and Dad at home or in a Nursing Home just so long as it's done. All children in the family need to contribute to the care of their elderly parents. How they do it should be up to the individual families in the best interest of the elderly parents. Total caregiving for elderly parents by one sibling (unless they choose this) needs to stop. Caregiving of elderly parents is the responsibility of all the children in the family and it's time that people step up and fulfill their responsibility!!!

I remember pricing LTC for my parents back in the 1990s when they were in their 70s. Between the two of them, it would have been around $700 a month, and this was through a group plan. The coverage they would get was not that outstanding, either. And all I could think was who could afford this. I knew that I couldn't. Salaries in the South don't tend to be enough to afford that type of premium.

Something people can do is to invest money each month into an account they don't touch -- perhaps a high-growth mutual fund that they know performs well. High growth funds are risky, but can be switched to a bond fund if markets become to volatile, then back to high growth when stock prices bottom out.

I don't know about most families, but I know that neither my siblings nor myself had a single shred of influence with my mother until she got old and started relying on our help. Honestly, we don't have all that much clout with her even now. There's simply no way she would have entertained a discussion about her finances or her plans for the future. My mother retired on a small pension at 58 - she could barely afford health care, much less long term care insurance or putting money away for her old age. She didn't consult any of us about it, and I'm sure she'd have been outraged if any of us had dared to question it. And of course, we had even less experience with aging than she had - we had no idea about the likelihood of needing long term care or what resources were needed to pay for it.

I think the idea of having "the talk" with your parents is flawed for the very reason that, by the time people realize that they need to focus on it, it's too late to alter the financial course of the older person's life.

A well-developed financial plan needs to be started back when one's parents were young. The best time to buy long term care insurance is back when one is in their early 40's when said insurance is more affordable, when one is 60 years old it is over $8k a year for the insurance premium. Plus you need to be in excellent health to get the insurance. Some turn you down if you had cancer.

When any of us were in our 40's, how many even knew there was such an insurance as Long Term Care? I know I didn't.

It's because of the fact that they took care of us when we were little and provided for us in order to become who we are today. Society expects us to return the favor once the time comes that they become older and too weak to take care of themselves. However, there are some states that oblige adult children to take care of their parents', particularly their long-term care expenses. Under filial law, adult children are responsible for their parents if they can't afford to take care of themselves. This can hurt your retirement planning but only if you don't initiate "the talk" to your aging loved ones. It is important to find out their future plans or if they have purchase insurance products. There are some people who are not comfortable discussing their finances but this is the key in helping your parents avoid financial woes in the future. Purchasing long-term care insurance is one of the efficient ways to pay for long-term care services. According to infolongtermcare, interested individuals can avoid high premiums if they request for long term care insurance quotes. In this way, they can compare policies and rates from different carriers.

If you really care about your parents then help them create a well-developed financial plan.

"When I hear the noble concept of " they took care of you so now it's your turn to take care of them", I think people miss that many are not able to focus all their caregiving energy on one person when they have others to care for as well."

I think people who say that are missing a lot of stuff. Like the fact that when we were young, we were given no choice about the amount and kind of care we were given, or where or when or how it was given. Many of our parents seem to have set up situations where they want a certain lifestyle and amenities and they need us to step in and maintain it for them. They insist on living someplace where you need a car to get anywhere, then set up a schedule of when they want to go out to stores, hairdresser, library, etc. and expect us to be available to drive them. We NEVER would have gotten away with such antics when we were kids. As kids, we also hadn't had a lifetime to earn money and plan for our own dependent years. We were brand new and without resources. Whereas many of our parents failed to save and wasted resources and are now looking to us to be some sort of captive unpaid workforce to maintain their lifestyle. Stepping up in an emergency is one thing. Being made responsible for a parent's poor habits, poor choices, or unrealistic expectations of life, is another thing altogether.

With people living so much longer, imagine someone in their early 60's having to take care of her own mother and father, plus her husband's mother and father, plus two sets of grandparents under the same roof.... YIKES.... mission impossible.

Jessie, one business associate that I know said what she is going to do is during hunting season is dress up as a deer and run through the woods.

I don't know that we " owe" it to our parents, but more that as family, we are the logical folks to see to their care. The big sticking point is the subjective interpretation of " taking care." I can't personally provide my mom with the 24/7 care she needs, and even if I could work out a way with caregivers, it would prevent me from providing needed care to help my husband and to help my FIL. When I hear the noble concept of " they took care of you so now it's your turn to take care of them", I think people miss that many are not able to focus all their caregiving energy on one person when they have others to care for as well.

And let's not forget that for many of us, the person that others try to guilt us into personally caring for is the very person who is most toxic to our physical and emotional health.

i seriously aint gonna take any crap from aps or crack hars turned home health aids / snitches . when im done carrying a brick hammer on my side i plan to replace it with a laser pointer ice pick . if the red dot falls on you its time to leave the old guy the hell alone .
i think i could survive in my bunker with a total of 0 brain cells . im doing it now with only three ..

But I guess one could have dirty britches sitting out in the forest, too. Ah, well. I still like the romanticism.

I don't have any kids, so maybe I'll have to go to Alaska and walk out on the ice. Did you know it was legal up until the 1980s for people to walk out onto the ice? I started thinking about our distaste for offing ourselves these days, then thought of how natives of North America had a custom of leaving their tribes when they had become a burden to them. For myself, maybe it's not such a bad idea. Maybe I'll wander out into the woods when I'm old and enjoy the birds and animals until my spirit is called home. I love the romanticism of that so much more than the thought of dying with dirty britches in a NH bed.

What is going to be difficult is that today you see couples who have just one child compared to back in my parents generation where families were having 4 or more children.

And couples who never were blessed with children, my gosh I know quite a few couples with no children, including myself. Now what? Those of us with no children have to save like crazy and be very fugal to have money to pay for that help. No shopping until we drop.

I thought a bit more seriously on this subject and realize that even we caregivers have the expectation that family cares for family. Sometimes we see on here about how a neighbor is caring for an elder and we ask where the children are. I do the same thing myself. The big question is that, with people living to an older age, if children don't care for their elders, then who will. We are all new to dealing with longer lives coupled with mobile families and working women. I checked old life expectancy records and saw that early last century life expectancy was only 50. The main concerns seem to be the widows of men that died. Apparently men were generally working up until the time of death and the women didn't have support after they were gone. That was interesting.

It is a different world now, with the children of a marriage scattered about. Women work, so aren't available all day long. Couples have retirement dreams that include traveling, instead of gardening and picket fences. And elders are living 10-40 years longer than they used to, many times with health problems.

A main problem I see in the US is that end-of-life care costs so much. Even with a good LTC policy, who can afford 10 years of care? From what I've seen, most LTC policies are very expensive and only help cover 2-3 years. If the children don't help, then who will? Maybe if all the children helped, it would be easier. But it is usually just one that does the lion's share.

So I don't really know if society thinks children owe the parents, I think that they know the elders need someone and family is the only logical answer.

Well than the same argument could be made for adult children who for some reason job loss, bad choices in life, etc....need help from their parents.

I know of a few situations(I'm sure we all do) where you have an adult child who gets divoreced, laid off, made poor financial decisions and is now reliant on elderly parents.

Or how about grandparents who are raising their grandchildren because their child is incapable of doing so. How about that?

Should the parents say "well once you turned 18 you're on your own".

Everyone's situation is different, IMO if you have good parents who took care of you, you step up to the plate.

burnedout13, your Dad should meet my Dad, they could talk for hours about their income taxes,1099's, and how gasoline use to cost 25 cents, etc. In the mean time, Mom doesn't have Rx insurance because Dad has been too busy with income taxes to sign her up with the new company his retirement group has in place. He should have done that months ago.... [sigh].

I know some people will say why don't I help out with the calling and get my Mom signed up.... sorry, I just can't do that.... it was my parents decision to continue to live in their 3 level home, thus with that decision comes THEIR responsibility to live with that decision. Now, if they had moved to a retirement community, I would have been more than happy to help out with situations such as this.

My dad is also clueless about my mom's health. He is deaf so he can't hear
the late stage dementia utterances. She started taking all her clothes off in
the living room and he had no idea that she was almost completely undressed.
He always says he thinks she is looking better and as long as she is eating and does not have a temperature, she is probably healthy. Two nights ago I sat with her after her latest stroke and all he could talk about was his tax forms. I tried to explain to him how ill his wife of 70 years is and that she might have to be moved and he said she had some Ensure today and she no longer has a temperature so all is good. After that all about the taxes. Last night when I sat with her - he came in 5 times to tell me to come in there and look for a statement for his taxes. Perhaps he is in denial - but as well as I know my dad, his money is the most important thing in his life. He will tell everyone - just get her anything she needs and then tells me - I am not paying for that. I need to have him evaluated and take over their finances - but I don't have the energy for the fight. I am always amazed that he wants me to handle all of the medical decisions for him and for my mom and to track all of the medical expenses and
hospital bills but refuses to allow me to make any decisions about their finances. So again, he trusts me with life and death situations but not with anything that might cost him some money. I know that he won't ever change - I mean heck he has been this way his whole adult life. I always thought that in crisis situations, people might have an epiphany and become better people - now I realize that some people just become more of who they are. I guess my life lesson continues to be that nothing that you do can change someone. At my age, I should have learned that a long time ago. But hope does spring eternal.

burnedout13, I agree with you that seniors shouldn't be taking care of older seniors. Good heavens, who is going to pick ME up when I fall? I know my parents who are in their 90's couldn't. That is why I told my parents when the time comes when they need hands-on physical care, that I am too old to do that.... I have my own age related decline, and I also fall asleep in front of the TV. My parents still reside in their 3 level single family home, which is NOT elder proof... scared me silly... no wonder I have mini-breakdowns :(

My Dad is also clueless about my Mom's health... out of curiously I asked him what pills does Mom take... he had no clue.... asked him how are Mom's eyes doing with her macular degeneration... he didn't know she had that.... [sigh]. But my Mom knows exactly what pills Dad takes, the dosage and what time he should take them... she can even tell you the exact date of when Dad had his flu shot... all his doctor's names and the last time Dad saw those doctors.