Labs4me Asked January 2013
Why does society think we owe our elderly parents?
Follow
Share
Read More Close
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
107 Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Popular Questions
Ask a Question
The most basic reason is that, after a point, the children are generally the only ones left for the parent to rely on. The spouse is deceased or too impaired to provide care, friends have died or are also elderly, kids are younger and generally healthier, and it's possible to make a case that they are obligated because in most cases they received some care and support from their parents in the past. So basically somebody has to take care of the elderly, and most of the time there are no decent candidates except their kids.
Now some of the more complicated reasons. Society doesn't want to bear the expense of taking care of the elderly, so "family care" is touted as the ideal because it's seen as free. The actual costs are being borne silently by individuals who are giving up their plans, goals, income, leisure, health and sanity to do the caregiving that saves the larger society from having to think about it (or pay for it or provide for it). The lack of resources other than the family pretty much forces adult children to shoulder the burden whether they want to or not.
Then there's the perspective of the elders themselves. Why do they believe their children are obligated to take care of them? I think it's because they won't accept that they either need to be responsible and provide for their own old age or they need to accept the consequences of failing to do so. My mother wants and wanted to have it both ways: retire early on a meager income, spend every cent that came through her hands from her parents' inheritance and my father's life insurance, but still live on her own in a nice house in the suburbs, with cleaning and maintenance and transportation provided by...well, it has to be her kids since she can't afford to pay anyone.
I personally don't agree that grown children are obligated to rescue their parents from their own failure to take responsibility for themselves, but the system is set up in such a way that it's almost impossible to avoid it (and yes, most people will denounce you if you walk away no matter how justified you are).
run out..
I went thru a divorce never saw a dime of child support, then lost my full time job, used up my 401k thought 2 years ago after filing bankruptcy Id be able to start a new life...HA!!!!!!!!!!!
. Now I have no income ( I know I should be thankful that I have a roof over my head even if its all in need of serious fixing. ( its moms house) but im resentful.. I have no income.. a kid in college. I will have no SS when I get old.. I have sworn I will never put my daughter in the situation !!!!
by the time mom passes.. I wont be able to keep the house. or get an apartment. ( no $$$ no credit no job ) lack of work skills now and Im going to be 53 in week,, Whats to be come of me????????
I yell at mother that im just fading away,, I have no life of my own and im scared as h*ll......
Nowhere have I seen it written that you must work yourself to death taking care of them, yet 30% of caregivers do. Society does not expect you to kill yourself for ANY reason. Don't confuse "society" with what you see on TV. They are not the same thing.
sanity - could you look for a part time job to bring in some income for yourself and get you out of the house or can your mum not be left alone?
I had a co-worker who was in her mid-70's that I use to pick up and drive her to work. She had wished she could go back in time and saved money instead of spending like there was no tomorrow. She was terrified that she would lose her job and not be able to afford secondary health insurance.
Now a days I read how the younger generation isn't saving money, they are so busy buying stuff, which is good for the economy but what is going to happen to them once they become elderly?
I am at the point of a complete breakdown. I have been at every emergency room and hospital in the city. My mom is now in hospice - and I am glad that I have some help in dealing with her health issues - but I am the one responsible for all of the decisions. My father is 91 - completely deaf and a completely self- centered. After I sat with with my mom for hours after her latest stroke last night, he wanted to make sure that I had his tax information together and to make sure I would get his ice cream and a then a long list of things he needed. I think that I would feel better about giving up close to 6 years of my life - if I felt it was appreciated. It is usually a long list of things that I have not done. There is something wrong with 60 and 70 year old people taking care of 80 and 90 year old people. It is no wonder a third of the caregivers die before the people they are taking care of. Their parents just wear them out and it is the only way to get a break. I don't feel guilty - I've done all I can possibly do and then some.
When I opted to move them here and into my home it wasn't because I owed them. I loved my mom and was worried about her. I felt it was the right thing to do. I just didn't realize what I was getting into. Now, I know. Unfortunately it is 6 years too late to make a plan that would have helped my parents and left me with some semblance of a life.
I raised 2 children alone after my husband and I divorced and had to work damned hard just to put food on the table. one went to university so again more costs. I was jsut getting onmy feet and bought my own house when 6 months later I was made redundnant and ended up in a negative equity situation. I worked 3 jobs and saved enough for a deposit and was made redundant again. Finally I got a management position again redundancy and again a loss. I had to move to the capital with all the associated higher costs and struggled to make ends meet. E£ventually I got a really good job and could afford to buy a flat. 3 years later the house market slumped and then my daughter had a nervous breakdown from staying in the same house as my incredibly demanding mother - we didnt know then it was dementia but I suspected as much. Mum had a serious fall, my work wouldn't let me have the time off to care for her. Ended up selling the flat at a serious loss (about $50 000 loss to be exact) to come and care for her. She wouldnt support me in fact charged me what is in your money $350 a month plus food to live there. Our government didnt pay me that much and I stilll needed a car to get Mum around (which again she wouldnt pay for). Eventually having spent my savings I went back to work but couldnt manage 32.5 hours part time work plus a furthe 60 ish hours with her. At 62 I have hardly any pension and am stuck in the rut BUT would I do it again? Yep she is my Mum at the end of the day . If I put her into a care facility they will sell the house from under me so I do understand how you could feel angry. I don't feel angry - mad as a March hare maybe but not angry - it serves no purpose and just increases your stress levels. I suppose I need to look for a rich husband .pppffff not a chance I would rather be allowed to die when I choose - not being given that right...now that makes me angry
I have six siblings and yet have always been the one. Now my Mom is in a nursing home and although I don't have control over her care anymore I still feel a responsibility to her. Its never even crossed my mind that this is not the way it was supposed to be. Although I sometimes resent my siblings lack of involvement I guess it never crossed their minds that they should help since its been my job for so long.
But I love my Mother dearly and she has never been demanding or selfish which is another reason why I never resent the small sacrifices I have had to make.
I was at a meeting last night and a woman spoke about her years caring for her Mom who had AD. She said her focus on her mother was all consuming and caused her to neglect her own daughter and husband which took a heavy toll on her daughter. She said she now realizes her devotion to her mothers care went far beyond what was needed and she wished she could have seen that at the time. Hearing her story was such a blessing to me. I always admired her and was touched by her honesty. I have been struggling with "doing the right thing" by my parents and looking to others to tell me what that is. Between reading all the stories on this forum and finally hearing this woman speak I think I finally understand that HOW we care for our elderly parents is a personal decision and we should not hold ourselves to outside standards when we make those choices. If I let others judge me then I will feel free to judge others. That's just a vicious cycle that makes everything harder.
Amen -Trying
My Dad is also clueless about my Mom's health... out of curiously I asked him what pills does Mom take... he had no clue.... asked him how are Mom's eyes doing with her macular degeneration... he didn't know she had that.... [sigh]. But my Mom knows exactly what pills Dad takes, the dosage and what time he should take them... she can even tell you the exact date of when Dad had his flu shot... all his doctor's names and the last time Dad saw those doctors.
the late stage dementia utterances. She started taking all her clothes off in
the living room and he had no idea that she was almost completely undressed.
He always says he thinks she is looking better and as long as she is eating and does not have a temperature, she is probably healthy. Two nights ago I sat with her after her latest stroke and all he could talk about was his tax forms. I tried to explain to him how ill his wife of 70 years is and that she might have to be moved and he said she had some Ensure today and she no longer has a temperature so all is good. After that all about the taxes. Last night when I sat with her - he came in 5 times to tell me to come in there and look for a statement for his taxes. Perhaps he is in denial - but as well as I know my dad, his money is the most important thing in his life. He will tell everyone - just get her anything she needs and then tells me - I am not paying for that. I need to have him evaluated and take over their finances - but I don't have the energy for the fight. I am always amazed that he wants me to handle all of the medical decisions for him and for my mom and to track all of the medical expenses and
hospital bills but refuses to allow me to make any decisions about their finances. So again, he trusts me with life and death situations but not with anything that might cost him some money. I know that he won't ever change - I mean heck he has been this way his whole adult life. I always thought that in crisis situations, people might have an epiphany and become better people - now I realize that some people just become more of who they are. I guess my life lesson continues to be that nothing that you do can change someone. At my age, I should have learned that a long time ago. But hope does spring eternal.
I know some people will say why don't I help out with the calling and get my Mom signed up.... sorry, I just can't do that.... it was my parents decision to continue to live in their 3 level home, thus with that decision comes THEIR responsibility to live with that decision. Now, if they had moved to a retirement community, I would have been more than happy to help out with situations such as this.
I know of a few situations(I'm sure we all do) where you have an adult child who gets divoreced, laid off, made poor financial decisions and is now reliant on elderly parents.
Or how about grandparents who are raising their grandchildren because their child is incapable of doing so. How about that?
Should the parents say "well once you turned 18 you're on your own".
Everyone's situation is different, IMO if you have good parents who took care of you, you step up to the plate.
It is a different world now, with the children of a marriage scattered about. Women work, so aren't available all day long. Couples have retirement dreams that include traveling, instead of gardening and picket fences. And elders are living 10-40 years longer than they used to, many times with health problems.
A main problem I see in the US is that end-of-life care costs so much. Even with a good LTC policy, who can afford 10 years of care? From what I've seen, most LTC policies are very expensive and only help cover 2-3 years. If the children don't help, then who will? Maybe if all the children helped, it would be easier. But it is usually just one that does the lion's share.
So I don't really know if society thinks children owe the parents, I think that they know the elders need someone and family is the only logical answer.
And couples who never were blessed with children, my gosh I know quite a few couples with no children, including myself. Now what? Those of us with no children have to save like crazy and be very fugal to have money to pay for that help. No shopping until we drop.
i think i could survive in my bunker with a total of 0 brain cells . im doing it now with only three ..
And let's not forget that for many of us, the person that others try to guilt us into personally caring for is the very person who is most toxic to our physical and emotional health.
I think people who say that are missing a lot of stuff. Like the fact that when we were young, we were given no choice about the amount and kind of care we were given, or where or when or how it was given. Many of our parents seem to have set up situations where they want a certain lifestyle and amenities and they need us to step in and maintain it for them. They insist on living someplace where you need a car to get anywhere, then set up a schedule of when they want to go out to stores, hairdresser, library, etc. and expect us to be available to drive them. We NEVER would have gotten away with such antics when we were kids. As kids, we also hadn't had a lifetime to earn money and plan for our own dependent years. We were brand new and without resources. Whereas many of our parents failed to save and wasted resources and are now looking to us to be some sort of captive unpaid workforce to maintain their lifestyle. Stepping up in an emergency is one thing. Being made responsible for a parent's poor habits, poor choices, or unrealistic expectations of life, is another thing altogether.