MIL packs al her clothes, pictures, toiletries at least 3x’s a week. She says she’s ready to go home now. I put a sign in her room telling her “you live here, don’t pack your clothes”. I explain to her she has lived here over a year, and this is her room. I have taken every bag, tote bag, Plastic bags, boxes out of her room so that she will have nothing to pack her stuff into. Instead she now just takes everything out of her closet and out of her bureau and puts them on the mini couch that is in her room. It would not be too bad if it was only her clothes she packed because, she can just use the mini couch as her bureau. But unfortunately she packed everything that is in her room, including all the toiletries from the bathroom, paperwork, hundreds of pictures, newspaper articles that were saved, you name it. I am just so tired of unpacking and re-organizing her room. Any suggestions?
I remember my MIL doing this too, and when all the bags were removed, she started tying up her clothes in her dressing gown, securing it with the belt. Again and again. Then somehow she acquired some scissors and cut the pillow slips into strips to tie up her clothes... of course, to her perception, she wasn't where she was meant to be, and was doing her best to problem-solve that feeling.
I think Stiffkr's suggestion below to remove unnecessary items in her room, and give her a suitcase to pack, and unpack, and pack as any times as she wants - is a really good idea. I wish I had tried something like that.
This is a passing phase, even though it feels like eternity and purgatory. It probably feels a bit like that to your MIL too.
Wishing you all the best, be kind to yourself, breathe, and just do the best you can. And stay in touch with this wonderful forum for more support and advice, whenever you need it!
I was over to see Sis every week, sometimes multiple visits to trouble shoot-TV issue, doctor appointments and fun stuff-out to lunch etc. Each time I would put things back in order-sis would do the packing up over and over. About this time-sis became more confused, angry, started wanting to "escape" the community-she was getting frustrated with staff and herself-becoming combative-resulting in several trips to the ER-not a long term solution for sis.
Sis ended up in psych hospital for med evaluation. Had to place her some where new due to "combative" behavior. We edited her stuff big time-New place said less is better-not as distracting, confusing for dementia patients. We did cut down about 50%-in all categories as she was not using most of it, a lot of clutter, when downsizing on the fly.....sis did not seem to notice at all, was not asking for XYZ-at the new place-only said the room had been painted-when actually at a new facility and smaller room. I kept her stuff just in case she remembered or really needed something-pictures etc. I have been taking stuff slowly to Goodwill-she moved again where all furniture is provided, no storage really for overflow etc-down to items she will really need and use. It was a process for me-emotionally-each move to make more decisions to purge-i still have way more to go thru Christmas decorations etc. Sis could not do this-it was up to me. I am hanging on to the piano for now-Sis loved to sing and play-this will be a big item to let go for me too.
Now I feel the "shuffle" of stuff was her way of trying to control her life?? as her abilities and mind were now in a different place.
Make sure the boxes are clearly marked so mom-in-law can find what she needs as she needs it.
What's your husband's take on all this?
Skimming through more posts, I wonder if you could make a game of it, by packing for different outings and different seasons only, and leaving the rest. Pretend you're going on day trips. It might it might be more of a game, and less stressful.
I don't know if this could work, as she probably is packing for reasons she doesn't understand, but if you can combine it with outings (again, especially as Fall and the color changes advance), it might relieve some frustration. Is there also a way you could categorize all the things she's packing so she only takes nomimal "luggage" if you go on outings?
I think SueNWPa has raised a very insightful observation:
"She stopped the rearranging once there was less clutter in her room. I think intially there was just too much stuff in her room for her brain to organize so she just kept sifting and sifting through all of it. "
Thinking it through, Mom is responding to and acting on a desire to organize. Are there other things she could organize, to at least provide some diversification? Something like magazines? Books?
Change to the sign to "I love you" or "I love the view from the window" (if she has one so it may refocus her to go to the window . . . or something soothing.
* Take away things that are unnecessary in the room.
* Let her do it. If anything is in the way and causing a potential fall risk, remove it.
* Do not pack and unpack and re-organize. Just stop. You are allowing yourself to be led around / dictated by a brain that no longer functions normally.
It seems to help lessen her anxiety.
My heart goes out to you & hubby!
Blessings to you both for doing all you can.
And no, you are NOT a fool for trying to handle this in a way that makes sense to you - everyone tries to do this when dealing with someone with dementia, that's simply human. Thinking on the same level as someone with severely impaired thinking is not something that comes naturally or easily to us. It's taken me YEARS of 24/7 caregiving for my mother to just get to a place where I can let go of MY reality when dealing with my mom, but it has helped me because MY reality is no longer HERS.
Personally, I do not understand responding to someone going through this with condescension or rudeness. That makes me hesitant to ask questions or talk about my situation, which we caregivers very much need to do. The last thing needed on top of the stress and exhaustion and isolation of caregiving is judgment.
thank you for your insights though...Linda
I am praying that this trip will shift her actions and stop the packing up everyday when you get home.
As long as long as she's happy and not in distress let her go through her own process naturally
💌💌💌💌💌💌💌💌💌💌💌