MIL packs al her clothes, pictures, toiletries at least 3x’s a week. She says she’s ready to go home now. I put a sign in her room telling her “you live here, don’t pack your clothes”. I explain to her she has lived here over a year, and this is her room. I have taken every bag, tote bag, Plastic bags, boxes out of her room so that she will have nothing to pack her stuff into. Instead she now just takes everything out of her closet and out of her bureau and puts them on the mini couch that is in her room. It would not be too bad if it was only her clothes she packed because, she can just use the mini couch as her bureau. But unfortunately she packed everything that is in her room, including all the toiletries from the bathroom, paperwork, hundreds of pictures, newspaper articles that were saved, you name it. I am just so tired of unpacking and re-organizing her room. Any suggestions?
Although she may be "well enough" to unpack, her mind is set on returning to some previous home, so she most likely won't be agreeable to unpacking. Again, it can't hurt to try, but doing this daily or multiple times a day will be no better than OP doing it herself.
Is there a possibility that she could Move In to a room at your house, where she would feel Safer and Loved?
Regarding her packing all her stuff, Next time this happens, Don't unpack anything and leave everything on the couch, where she put it and see whst happens.
If nothing else it gives her something to do and she's getting exercise doing it snd not hurting anyone.
"She's come to live with me and my husband (her son) since Jan 2019."
Methinks you are assuming OP is another one of us inhuman types who resort to a facility.
This isn't about feeling safe or loved, it is where, or rather WHEN they are living, in their mind. 9 months after moving to MC, from a condo where she lived alone, she forgot about the condo and started asking about HER mother AND the house we lived in over 25 years ago. The first 9 months she pestered my YB about going back to the condo. Nothing about feeling unloved or unsafe, just wanted back to what was familiar in her mind at that time. Since she's already drifted back in time (~40 years, based on certain things she says, I can peg it), she will drift further back as more and more memories are lost. What "home" comes next, who knows. We lived in an apt for a year before that house, then about 7-8 years in upstate NY, then MA before that, including her parents' home. THIS is normal for someone with dementia.
(BTW, my mother, shortly after moving to MC, packed up some items too - these were placed in a cubby in her room and haven't moved since. Also, living with either of my brothers, esp the older one, would be a disaster waiting to happen, or potentially abuse/neglect and I can't physically support her weight, my bathrooms are too small to set up handicap and the only way in/out is full stairs, which she can't do, so I did the best I could in finding her a VERY nice place, near enough to me that I would visit often until the lock down, which continues.)
Be as positive as you can. Play along with the plan. “Oh, you’re moving, well that will be exciting!” I like what you’ve done with the place. Or you must be tired after all that packing, would you like to —(insert some activity that makes her calm or happy)— (bake cookies, relax for a while, take a walk, enjoy television or music, a hot bath, help me cook dinner, have some tea —before you go?)
Since she may feel trapped, give her choices- let her plan what you will have for dinner, or manage the TV remote, or even pick an activity for the whole group if she is able.
If she likes the activities related to moving, maybe folding laundry will be enjoyable. Maybe you could say, could you help me pack these things into the laundry basket? Or if you are donating some items, have her fold them for you first. Remind her that her contribution was needed and appreciated.
Take her shopping at a discount store like TJ Maxx and let her pick out a new comforter. decorative pillows or wall art, curtains, or some kind of small furniture to accessorize her new place (her same room). It may feel less strange and more like home if she participates in the transformation.
Change and loss is hard. She may sense her thoughts are becoming increasingly unclear. She has lost control, independence and freedom - principles that people go to war for.
However, I would suggest doing something else with the photos, newspaper articles, papers. Is it possible to put the photos into a photo album? Or digitize the photos and buy one of those photo frames that display digital photos? I would also put the newspaper clippings into a photo album or scrapbook. Or maybe just take home whatever doesn’t really have to be at her place.
Also, in my humble opinion, please take down the sign as it doesn’t seem to be doing any good anyway and may only be upsetting.
I see it in fact is still being offered, at least in some area:
https://www.tehachapinews.com/lifestyle/confident-caregiver-series-to-include-living-with-alzheimers-for-middle-stage-caregivers/article_c3bdd6cc-3d61-11ea-a9a1-034c4ebad073.html
This is the one I attended several years ago:
https://www.michigan.gov/osa/1,4635,7-234-64083_87430---,00.html
In addition to studying (no tests though!), interacting with other caregivers, there are problem solving activities which really challenge your mind for solutions. But finding those solutions allows caregivers to apply them to everyday situations.
I would take it again if I were still in a caregiving situation.
But this is so much different. I’ve actually given up much more to do this caregiving ...and I moved into the home I grew up in...and they are my parents. So I’m sure the counselor and I will have much to discuss!
I will surely look up your suggestion. I appreciate you taking the time to respond with some good actionable steps!!
So learn to work with her, find reason to support and validate her concerns instead of challenging them (although that I think is a typical response).
Is she mobile enough to go for a car ride? How cognizant is she? My thoughts are to mollify her by taking a few bags, going for a car ride (different place every time), which if you're in a state that's already segueing into autumn could be a respite from staying inside. Perhaps stop at a reasonably priced restaurant (for us it was the Dairy Queen!) to get something to take home.
When you return, you could either leave the bags in the car or bring them inside to the "new" residence. Create a welcoming environment, play her favorite music, sit and relax, and she may not realize she's back home. (That really depends on her level of cognizance.)
If there's anyone else at home who could move a few things around to make the environment appear differently, that might help her interpret that she's in a new home.
Alternately, instead of unpacking, set up a system for her to save her treasures and pack them in an organized storage. Limit the toiletries, etc. Let her keep her pictures; they probably mean a lot to her.
Maybe it's time to STOP.
Don't unpack anything. Leave everything packed, slowly each item will be placed back into accessible places.
She is stuck on remembering her previous home, is there a way to help create positive experiences in her current location?
She will not understand what you are telling her about where she lives but she will stop this activity eventually and start another.
Help her pack if you have time and then you will know where everything is when needed. If you have the funds, find her cute bags. Meet her where she is.
Here is a thread from an Alzheimer site that discusses this issue.
https://www.helpforalzheimersfamilies.com/community-voices/your-questions-answered/why-mother-constantly-packs/