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My Parents are 90 and 87 both are disabled living with cronic pain, financial, and mental issues and I am tring to get all those things addressed as much as can be. I try to be positive and as loving as I can with them. Dementia has taken my Dad to extreem narsacistic behavior and my mothers is so depressed all she can do is tell me what is wrong and vent. How do I create some positive? We are all on antidepressants. I want to be there for them as much as I can, but I am so depressed after calls and visits I don't what to do.I guess I am looking for tips to try to bring some positive in an very dark situation.

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You can only bring positives to yourself...nothing will change where your dad is with his health, and your mom is going to be your mom... this is why caregiving is such a hard job, we try to make everyone happy... and the bottom line... we can only change ourself, our attitude, our outlook, our own disposition.... hopefully you will come back to this sight, make some new friends.... tell us your story, and realize you are not alone....
This is a hard job under the best of circumstances... and without knowing a little more about YOU, it's hard to give you some suggestions on how to make yourself happier... I do crafts, read, come here, vent, laugh, vent some more.... have wonderful friends here on AC, so as I said, hope you come back and join us... it's a safe place to have your feelings, you will be validated, and will be given some suggestions on how to take better care of yourself.... proud of you for reaching out.... if nothing else, now you know you are not alone.... sending hugs to you...
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You are facing a situation that many of us face. There are no easy answers. Sometimes people mention that taking care of elders must be like taking care of children. It is nothing like it at all, except in the circumstance where a child is very ill. There are many nights I went to bed exhausted, worried, and angry, and many mornings when I woke up feeling nothing but dread. Now the nights are better. I'm still working on the mornings.

I am not a religious person. Still I found one thing helped me more than anything else. I turned it over to God and take things one day at a time. There are things I can do and other things that I or no other human can do. I just put those things in God's hands and do the things I can do.

To help myself, I go shopping and eat out when I can. I go to the gym at the senior center. And I'll talk to anyone who stands still long enough to listen. :) I go for long walks and play on the computer. All these things help keep me a little bit saner. The hardest thing can be the isolation. It can be very sad.
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You just have to accept your parents behavior and know that there is really nothing you can do to change it. You CAN get the joy back into YOUR heart!

If you havre siblings close by, perhaps you can share a visiting schedule so that each day is covered but not always by you. Gardening, walking, Bible Study and time with my grandchildren seem to put all the pieces together for me.

I believe you have to take care of yourself first in order to effectively care for someone else. If all is right with you, then the issues with your parents become things you deal with and handle but don't personally absorped.. There is a bit of detachment required in caregiving a loved one. Just know that you are doing all that you can do for your parents.
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The three answers above all contain very good advice. It's important for you to realize and accept (acceptance is harder) that what's happening to your parents is one more stage in their lives, and not an unusual one. My 92-year-old father-in-law, who lost his spouse of 65 years recently is in a very similar situation in terms of depression and physical immobility (though no dementia, thank goodness).

My wife and I visit him every day (his assisted care facility is very close by). We have come to accept that there's nothing substantial we can do for him other than to be there as much as possible to help alleviate his loneliness and listen to him.

You must make an effort to relieve your suffering, which is so sad. You still have many years of life ahead and must work hard to ensure that you, too, don't remain depressed and full of stress. Again, I think the only way you can do that is to convince yourself sincerely that you are doing the most you possibly can and there's nothing more to be done. You have to accept that this situation is part of the natural course of their lives.

Good luck to you.
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Acceptance has been hard for me! For several weeks my mom is stable and walking! 2 months ago she had a fall and so far it's one thing or the other. Everyday is a new day.....some Great some Horrrendous!!!!!! She is now is an Acute Speciality Hospital trying to heal several health issues! She has only been ther 4 days and she is still being evaluated as to getting a game plan! She lost her husband ,my father of 64 years ago and for her life has never been the same. Anti- depressants help her ALOT! As long as she takes them!. Laughter is the key in our life........even though I cry at times when I'm alone. She is not dying, yet if she does not help me help her she will decline. Caregiving is HARD......rewarding but hard. The natural life cycle no matter what age our loved ones are are hard to accept! This website is a life saver for me......I read it every morning and night to realize I am not in this alone!
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Hi All, It is so helpful to me to read these posts. Both the question, which I share and the answers. As has been said, coming here is so helpful to me, that I look forward to it twice at day... One thing that has worked for me just a bit is to make lists. When I'm highly stressed and feeling low, if I make a list I realize that the words that come out help to articulate what the problems and challenges are and I try to turn them into small actions I can take. It also helps me articulate the issues to my friends and family. I put on my list that I should check out my insurance and look to see if I could find a face to face counselor, so that I would not always just be burdening my spouse with the heartbreak that I have with my mother. I've booked that appointment and will go on Thursday. Then, when I do the things on the list I feel like I'm more productive and just a little bit proud of my accomplishments. Looking back on older lists I see all that I've done and that helps me feel better... also while I feel sometimes that days go by in complete chaos, the lists help me to stay on track and get some things done that help me to feel that my whole life isn't wasted. I hope this simple idea is helpful to you. It is most helpful to me when I wake up in the middle of the night and can't sleep. Some how if I add to my to do list I feel more calm... some times I get right on the internet and do some work that occurred to me. For me, being productive helps a lot and in utter chaos, that's hard to do and time slips away if I'm not diligent about doing something good every day. Seeing it in writing helps me think and do more... good.
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I agree with the advice written up here. I think it is important to do the things that make you happy. For me it is, going to a bible study and praying and lifting up the name of Jesus. He says Fix your eyes upon him and the things of this world will grow strangely dim in the light of his glorious grace. He uses things like this in our lives to enable us to know that he can do more than we could do ourselves. He can be trusted. I am facing a situation right now where my mother was just diagnosed with early dementia. She thinks that the world has come to an end. DMV has also sent her a letter suspending her license temporarily and she was required to see a Driver Rehabilitation Specialist. Good news is she can still drive mostly in her local area. However, the bad news is she can't take the interstate. She has to take another Road Test in a week with a DMV instructor. She is worried that she will not pass and lose her license completely. What can I do to help her?
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My mom snuck out of the house with a cleaning person driving her to the test, so we would not know she was going. Finally they told me that they went for the test. She passed the intelligence test, scoring in the top of 92 yr olds... Huh? What does that mean? How many 92 yr olds are out there driving? Then I went with her for the driving test. They took her out for one hour and passed her. Only as I was leaving did I find out that she lied to them. She led them to believe that she had a long career as a nurse, pilot and stewardess. She hasn't done any of those things for over 65 years... While she was approved to drive on local roads, within 5 miles of her home and only in day light, I now trust her to drive only when she is feeling good and strong. Today for example she is not feeling so well and she decided on her own not to go out to her exercise class. I'm not sure if that helps you at all, but it's just a long winded way of saying that I've tried to control the situation, but there is just so much that I can do and ultimately I do pray that she continues to make the good decisions that the assessment center thinks she will make.
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The part about being overwhelmed yourself is something I do identify with. Mom was always there to lift me up, urge me to just keep on keeping on. She and dad were my cheer leaders. Dad died in 2005 and now mom just isn't mom. She has been with my husband and 3 years. I have seen her lose her memory, even to who I am. I have loved her and taken care of her and it is all so sad. I have a great husband who loves us both and makes sure I do get out and we have some time to ourselves when she goes to bed at night. I pray to Jesus for strength and to make this transition safe for she and I. I weep when she is so confused sometimes as there is nothing to do but to sit by her and pat her hand . Those are my moments with the Lord that do get me through. Blessings on you, you are doing a good thing.
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me and my husband that should read, sorry.
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I would do a Google search on the side effects of the antidepressents that you and your parents are taking? I am not at all saying to stop taking them, but sometimes antidepressents can make people more depressed. If the antidepressents are not working well enough, you may also want to discuss it with the doctors who prescribed them. In addition, have your parents B-12 levels ever been checked? Sometimes B-12 can make memory problems, etc. worse.
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One of the hardest parts of this journey with my Mothers was realizing that I did not have 'Mommy" to vent to anymore. She just is not there mentally, just thinks about herself ect ect ect.... All of the stuff that this website addresses. Having to realize that I was now the surrogate "parent" of my Mother was really depressing. However once I accepted the situation and stopped responding to my Mother like a teenager it became a lot easier. It is just sad to me that I lost my Mom while she is still alive!! At times I have to reach way deep into my heart and be grateful for having these last few years with her. It is not easy..... Do not forget to do something just for YOU also. Much love
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Mjschoonover, I want to first welcome you to this site for it is a great place to come to learn, vent, cry n have a little chuckle or two. Are you the sole caregiver of your two parents? Do you get any 'respite care' if u R the sole caregiver for that will make a difference on your positive side for you. You mention that you call them so r they living at home by themselves or somewhere else? Taking care of two parents is a lot of responsibiltiy on one person, shoot As we know more about you then more we can, caregiving for anyone is a lot of responsibiltiy n can take a toll on your health n happiness. I am sorry that your dad's dementia has changed his behavior n your mom seems to not be happy. You will have to find out what makes you happy-enjoy n try to find that happy spot to keep you going in a positive mindset. I enjoy taking pictures, listen to Mother Nature outside, playing games online to keep my positive side n sanity. Keep us posted n welcome again.
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Well first of all focusing on the positive it seems you are blessed to have both parents still alive at all. Your parents are extremely blessed to have each other even at this stage in life. My mother is dead and my father has dementia and is ill and I have no spouse or siblings to help. Being alone is also very difficult. That being said I understand that certainly your parents are not the same as they once were and I know how hard this is. Your situaion isn't easy at all but we are all here to help. What is your parents views on spiritual matters? Would they be willing to speak with a pastor or other religious or spiritual person about. Things? If not then prayer, meditation, journaling and taking one day at a time are things that help me. Thanks for sharing and good luck!
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Hadenough, it really is NOT good news that your mother can drive in your state. You must discuss the problem with the doctor. He is the one to tell her she can no longer drive. How awful if she were to injure or kill someone else when she drives. ! Take away her keys and hide them . Good luck. This is a dreadful time of life for all of us. Sending you hugs. Corinne PS. How do you add "Give a Hug" to messages,
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You have received some great advice. You have to get out of your mind that this isn't personal they are sick and not themselves anymore. Somedays you will want to scream and you go to bed, mad as hell. Other days, you will have that moment with them and you will know why you are there and how important it is for you to be there for them. You did notice I said MOMENT,you just have to take your defeats somedays and hope for tomorrow will be better. You are there or them everyday that is more then anyone in this world is doing, and you shoud be very proud of yourself for being that wonderful, caring, beautiful individual. You can't define yourself as a loser and hopeless because you can't fix them. Everyday you have to find a funny and keep referring back to it all day it's the only thing that will save your sanity. There is nothing you can do for them anymore they are who they are now. You can only love them and keep them healthy and safe. It takes everything you have to watch the demise, but it is what it is. I hate it and wish I could take my moms pain away, I wish it was me somedays. Just focus on the positive this group is a good start. Personally I am 0 for 2 the last couple of days have just been a nightmare. I am sitting in my moms room with her because for the last hour she has not been able to stay seated and is obsessing about everything. So today is stay with her keep focusing and asking her questions or telling about the show we are watching. It calms her. Everyday is a new adventure. I can only say I feel your pain and hope you have a better day tomm.
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Thank you for the comment about driving. I appreciate the caution and have said those same words to my mom and everyone in the family. I wish others would help me in this process to get her to give up her keys. I did stop my mom from driving once. I will ask the cardiologist to help me do it again today at her appointment. So far he has been completely unwilling to take a stand on this issue even when she was quite sick and just being released from the hospital. My brother and sister hardly want to weigh in on it and my mom now refuses to let someone to drive her. It's a huge struggle, but the only somewhat oddly fortunate thing right now is that she doesn't feel well enough to do much of anything and she is not to driving. As with all of the very dear and personal stories here, it is waring me out and turning me into a PUDDLE! I just have to get up and go do it all over again... because "caring for my mom in her last years is my blessing and challenge" and I have to remain thankful and strong. Wish me luck in having the Stop Driving conversation again...
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Sooozi, You may be able to get her primary dr to agree that she should NOT be driving instead of her cardio dr? Someone somewhere mention about calling the police to check on their driving but I cannot remember whom. You can go on other areas under the 'caregiver forum' n look under a topic to see if others can offer some more advice that has already delt with this situation too. personally, I swap mnl in for just a plain I.D. card instead of driver license n done it online. Her wallet had got stolen so we just told her she had no license which we didn't lie so she couldn't drive until she re-took the test. Now, that we stretch a bit. ; ) She was upset for that is part of her indepence she is letting go of n no-ones won't to give up their independence. However, now she said, "She has no reason to drive being we do it for her." I tell her that I am her personal chaperone n she kicks a kick out of that for she feels like she is the boss. I still try to let her to things for they still need to feel they have their indepence for they are human just not driving. It's not going to be easy yet, if she should not be driving for her own safety n others around then it is what is best for her n others n you know u r making the best decision. Of course, you may be the evil person for a bit but don't let it bother you personally too much n crank up the headphones n listen to some music. ; )

Cdo, mention about "Moments," and that is sooooooooo true about caregiving n you will have to find what will help get u into that 'Positive mindset." I use music or my headphones sometimes n just going outside a few moments n listen to Mother Nature or spend some time with my pets to help keep my sanity. Good Luck n don't take it personal from her. Keep us posted on how u r doing.
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My mother used to visit loved ones in the hospital or nursing homes and bring those talking or singing greeting cards or those wacky monkeys or Kung Fu fighter stuffed animals that play when you push the button.one time she brought a musical greeting card and one of the nurses accidentally knocyou couldked it down behind the dresser. Come to find out, the dresser was bolted to the wall. And and you couldn't move it to retrieve the card. Long storty short, the cards musical song played for three days straight until its battery wore out! Everybody laughed so hard over that they cried, even the other residents. Humour works for me not always easy to find though.
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Sorry I typed that on my phone ha ha
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