I have been trying to care for my mom for 8 years. 5 1/2 years ago my dad died. She lives an hour away from me and will not move unless I take her into my home. She has the funds to pay for a wonderful life in assisted living. There are several options near me. She refuses by saying that she wants to give her money to her children when she dies and she does want to "go to a home". We have toured the facilities. My mother in law lives in one of them. But my mother will NOT consider it. So I suggested hiring help in her home. "NO!, I thought my family would do these things for me. No one loves me. No one wants me."
I used to say that is just false. But now I'm feeling like "Yeah, you're right. no one would want to be around someone as negative and impossible to please as you. I am at the end of my rope. I am a grown adult 60 years old! This is too much for me. But I am the only caregiver she has left. Everyone else has given up. And I don't blame them one bit! In fact, I admire them.
I would have rather they use that money and move into something that was elder friendly, as their own house had too many stairs, and both were fall risks. Plus at 90+, Dad shouldn't be out on the ladder cleaning leaves from the gutters. Mom, also 90+, refused caregivers and cleaning people.
My parents, as are a lot of elders, usually are in denial of their age and their ability to manage a house. And these elders still view us as the "kid" thus in their mind we are still 35 years old, and what do we know :P
I did what Barb above had suggested, see a therapist. The therapist did teach me that whatever decisions that my parents make, my parents have to take full responsibility that come with those decisions. Thus, if my parents wanted to live in their own home, let them as long as they are clear minded, and what happens, happens.... it's not my fault. Boy, it wasn't easy, I was still a nervous wreck.
If you only knew what it is like to keep her on the meds she is taking now. It is a constant argument. She doesn't want to spend the money for them. Refuses to get the medicare prescription plan, refuses to buy all she needs. I get them filled and then she won't pay for them. Then what she does have on hand she keeps asking me if she needs to take them. Thinks she really doesn't need them. So adding another drug would be insanity by definition. She makes simple tasks complicated on purpose and then says, "well, I'm old and you need to understand that."
I have been in therapy for two years. I set boundaries. I even hold them. But she always finds a way around things. She once had me come to her house because her basement flooded and she wouldn't provide a mop. I had to use towels to soak up the mess on my hands and knees!!!!! And when I asked her to buy one for the next time, she said why?? I don't want that sitting around. So you see what I'm dealing with. I told her I wouldn't be back if she had that happen again. And I haven't. But the next time will be something different and the story repeats itself. She had me hanging ceilings, landscaping, fixing molding, sealing cracks, painting, etc. No more! I have set that boundary. But she is always testing the fences. It's is utterly exhausting.
I see that at this point it is a battle of wills. She wants her way and she will do whatever it takes to get in my house. I cannot let this happen. She will literally destroy me. She's halfway there already.
You cannot please someone like that. It doesn't matter what you do, they don't want to be pleased, they want attention. You are her "narcissistic supply". I found I have to detach and distance. Personally there is no way you could get me to mop up a basement flood on my hands and knees with paper towel. Sounds like you set a limit on that kind of thing. Good for you.
Yes, there will be a crisis one day. Then the professionals can make some decisions for her. e.g she cannot live alone any more. Under no circumstances let her stay with you. I refused to let my mother stay with me. She would have ruined my life.
Your mother is pushing your guilt buttons from what I can see. Narcissists use FOG - fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate people.
"She just shrugs and says, oh well if no one wants me then. " That is pushing your guilt button. Don't fall for it. Just say "Yeah, that's right, mom," or whatever shows her that you are not playing her game.
False guilt comes from not meeting the unrealistic expectations of others, real guilt comes from doing something wrong, which you are not.
Read around and you will see many stories of similar situations. We all learn from one another and reinforce our resolve to have a sane and healthy life. Absolutely your husband, yourself and your kids come first!
"Detaching with love doesn't mean that you stop loving the other person. It means that you make a decision to back up and stop putting all of your time and energy focusing on someone else. It means not allowing the drama of someone else's addiction to destroy your life."
"Givers have to set limits...because takers rarely do."
momsgoto - there are lots of references to detaching on this site if you click on the 4 lines, upper left and type "detach"or "detaching" in the search box.
Here are some pointers regarding detaching:
Accept that others are responsible for their own choices.
Anger – deal with it in a healthy way.
Blame – don’t blame and don’t accept blame.
Consequences – face them and see that others experience consequences of their choices too.
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do and communicate it firmly..
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviors, though the feelings should follow the behaviors. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviors towards to others –kindness, compassion.
Don’t enable the unhealthy behaviors of others.
Focus on yourself.
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself.
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received.
Refuse to be manipulated e.g., emotional blackmail, guilt
Respond, don’t react - be proactive.
Separate yourself - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviors/feelings.
Set boundaries.
Say “No”.
Space –create it between you and them.
Try not to take their behaviors personally.
Treat others and yourself with love and dignity.
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviors –do not take responsibility for the others feelings/behaviors/choices.
Realize it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.
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#1 Look after yourself. You need time and energy and space to deal with them
#2 Detach emotionally - counselling and books e.g, a book and workbook about Walking on Eggshells" is good and other resources for those with narcissistic parents like various websites -.google narcissistic mothers
#3 Set up the boundaries according to what you think is right, and what you want to or can do and let her know clearly - maybe putting it in writing would be helpful - you do NOT have to do it all for her. Look after her needs, if you choose to, but not necessarily.
My sister is engaged in a similar struggle with our mom (in NH). Simply, our mom's physical needs exceed my sister's decreasing ability to personally take care of those needs. Factor in our mom's excessive and unreasonable demands (physical and emotional) and living together once again is not possible. I really suggest that you draw boundaries now, stick with them (yes, over and over and over). We opted to find a great AL for our mom and use her funds (our future inheritance) so that we could heal and focus on our own families. Good thing too - a year later, my husband became ill and I was enormously grateful to be able to focus on him, knowing my mom was also cared for. And don't let anyone give you the "you only have your parents for a little longer ...you should do X". Many of us have nearly lost spouses and children .... life is fragile for all. Hugs. You can do this.
The physical therapist said it was time for me to put away the sling... I explained the situation with my parents and their constant need for me to help. My parents understood the visual of the sling. The therapist understood, and said go ahead and wear the sling whenever I was around my parents :)))
My gosh it worked, that sling stopped my parents from wanting me to drive them all over hill and dale, and for taking them to all those doctor appointments. Thank goodness for Peapod on-line groceries and delivery.
I thought for sure that would have been a wake-up call for my parents that they need to hire help, to blow the dust off their wallet. As soon as I was able to drive six months later, it was back to the some old, some old.
Then I had to remind my Dad that his parents had about 12 relatives [sons, their wives, and a gaggle of grandchildren who had driver licenses] who lived in the same County who were able to share with the driving, chores, etc. My Mom's parents also had about 10 relatives who were available. Hello, there is just "me" to do what those 10-12 were doing.
I was tired, and also very resentful. My parents could afford to hire people to help them... people 30 to 40 years younger then me.
Your mother is treating you as her personal slave. Perhaps she has some cognitive decline and doesn't realize how old you are, or perhaps she's always been narcissistic and expected others to do her bidding. Whatever it is, only you can stop the cycle of enabling by saying "no". Be prepared for your mother to guilt you from here to kingdom come and to bad mouth you to all who will listen. Just smile, nod and grit your teeth.
My mom pulled this. I used my cell phone to video her and her home which had become a hoarders paradise and dangerous to try to walk thru. Her Dr. saw how she talked, acted and lived away from her office. You might consider doing that.
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