I have been trying to care for my mom for 8 years. 5 1/2 years ago my dad died. She lives an hour away from me and will not move unless I take her into my home. She has the funds to pay for a wonderful life in assisted living. There are several options near me. She refuses by saying that she wants to give her money to her children when she dies and she does want to "go to a home". We have toured the facilities. My mother in law lives in one of them. But my mother will NOT consider it. So I suggested hiring help in her home. "NO!, I thought my family would do these things for me. No one loves me. No one wants me."
I used to say that is just false. But now I'm feeling like "Yeah, you're right. no one would want to be around someone as negative and impossible to please as you. I am at the end of my rope. I am a grown adult 60 years old! This is too much for me. But I am the only caregiver she has left. Everyone else has given up. And I don't blame them one bit! In fact, I admire them.
I learned about boundaries and consequences from my therapist. If your therapist has not mentioned consequences when the boundaries are broken, then ask them about consequences or find another one who will.
Cmagnum - Wow. I never thought of that. Everyone says to set boundaries but never suggested consequences. I guess I could distance myself more when she repeatedly tests me. I call everyday and sometimes two or three times a day. I think I will start to back off to every other day if she is negative or testy.
Linda22 - So as you have said before, all life is fragile. And that went to my heart. You are so, so right. The elderly do not have more rights to kindness merely because they are old. And they should not get a free pass to mistreat others either.
Momsgoto, my advice is to accept that your mom will never accept that you're not able to do all she wants you to. Some moms will expect and expect, take and take, without any concern about the adverse effects upon their children. So keep looking out for yourself.
When you your mom does the guilt trip 'you don't care' say to her 'I don't care about your money, I care about you & your safety, I care about needing to take care of my own health issues at over 60 so that I can be there for you. Do you think I'd enjoy any of that money if I knew you deprived yourself of help & comfort to leave it to me ... SPEND IT NOW IT IS YOUR MONEY' - use those same words every time she says it & it might slowly sink in - good luck
momsgoto - keep your boundaries and detach. Your mum is making her bed and has to lie in it. Do not take her into your home ad don't let her make you feel guilty. She will never understand. You have to look after yourself. How you doing?
Thanks, but you obviously have no idea what I am dealing with.
I feel your pain.
My mother, too pulls that "if you can't/won't help me, then just put me on a mountain and let me die". This is flat out manipulation and a terrible thing to say to ANYONE, much less a child (age 60!!) who has her own family, and health issues.
Setting boundaries, sometimes means walking away- and staying away for a long period of time (making sure that your mother is safe) is sometimes a great answer/solution.
After MANY days of trying to help her and MANY times of being abused by her verbally--I finally got the strength to say "no". And I walked away for 6 months. She didn't even notice.
Mother also has funds so she can go to any lovely ALF she wants. She doesn't "want" She wants us kids to dance attendance. That got old really, really fast. The promise of a huge inheritance was dangled in our faces (um, it's about $10,000 per kid---wow)...and kept that a dark secret for a while, then when my brother told us how much we'd be inheriting, we all laughed and said "THIS is why she refuses any "paid" care?" NONE of us needs the $10,000--but to her, this is a fortune.
Time to be tough and stand up for yourself. I'm lucky in that my mother doesn't know my phone number (same one, 39 years--she never bothered to learn it) so I don't get called.
Take some time for yourself. Don't feel guilty (easier said than done, I know). Self preserve as best you can. Good luck--this is tough.
My mom pulled this. I used my cell phone to video her and her home which had become a hoarders paradise and dangerous to try to walk thru. Her Dr. saw how she talked, acted and lived away from her office. You might consider doing that.
Your mother may well be taken aback if you show her a new, firmer, cooler-headed you. She will probably react against it, and progressively up the ante. So, you have to check your boundaries always against your own judgement, and not according to how she responds. This is about you being the adult and the only person able to judge correctly what balance is right for you.
You can't expect her to like it, but you're not doing it for her approval (as if!), and that's okay because her approval is never going to happen anyway, no matter what you do, so what have you lost? You're doing this because it's fair, and reasonable, and sustainable. You are the well-adjusted adult in this relationship. It isn't your fault that your mother's perspective is always going to be different.
My sister is engaged in a similar struggle with our mom (in NH). Simply, our mom's physical needs exceed my sister's decreasing ability to personally take care of those needs. Factor in our mom's excessive and unreasonable demands (physical and emotional) and living together once again is not possible. I really suggest that you draw boundaries now, stick with them (yes, over and over and over). We opted to find a great AL for our mom and use her funds (our future inheritance) so that we could heal and focus on our own families. Good thing too - a year later, my husband became ill and I was enormously grateful to be able to focus on him, knowing my mom was also cared for. And don't let anyone give you the "you only have your parents for a little longer ...you should do X". Many of us have nearly lost spouses and children .... life is fragile for all. Hugs. You can do this.
Your mother is treating you as her personal slave. Perhaps she has some cognitive decline and doesn't realize how old you are, or perhaps she's always been narcissistic and expected others to do her bidding. Whatever it is, only you can stop the cycle of enabling by saying "no". Be prepared for your mother to guilt you from here to kingdom come and to bad mouth you to all who will listen. Just smile, nod and grit your teeth.
Then I had to remind my Dad that his parents had about 12 relatives [sons, their wives, and a gaggle of grandchildren who had driver licenses] who lived in the same County who were able to share with the driving, chores, etc. My Mom's parents also had about 10 relatives who were available. Hello, there is just "me" to do what those 10-12 were doing.
I was tired, and also very resentful. My parents could afford to hire people to help them... people 30 to 40 years younger then me.
"Detaching with love doesn't mean that you stop loving the other person. It means that you make a decision to back up and stop putting all of your time and energy focusing on someone else. It means not allowing the drama of someone else's addiction to destroy your life."
"Givers have to set limits...because takers rarely do."
momsgoto - there are lots of references to detaching on this site if you click on the 4 lines, upper left and type "detach"or "detaching" in the search box.
Here are some pointers regarding detaching:
Accept that others are responsible for their own choices.
Anger – deal with it in a healthy way.
Blame – don’t blame and don’t accept blame.
Consequences – face them and see that others experience consequences of their choices too.
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do and communicate it firmly..
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviors, though the feelings should follow the behaviors. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviors towards to others –kindness, compassion.
Don’t enable the unhealthy behaviors of others.
Focus on yourself.
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself.
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received.
Refuse to be manipulated e.g., emotional blackmail, guilt
Respond, don’t react - be proactive.
Separate yourself - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviors/feelings.
Set boundaries.
Say “No”.
Space –create it between you and them.
Try not to take their behaviors personally.
Treat others and yourself with love and dignity.
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviors –do not take responsibility for the others feelings/behaviors/choices.
Realize it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.
...
#1 Look after yourself. You need time and energy and space to deal with them
#2 Detach emotionally - counselling and books e.g, a book and workbook about Walking on Eggshells" is good and other resources for those with narcissistic parents like various websites -.google narcissistic mothers
#3 Set up the boundaries according to what you think is right, and what you want to or can do and let her know clearly - maybe putting it in writing would be helpful - you do NOT have to do it all for her. Look after her needs, if you choose to, but not necessarily.
sunny, placating her mom means her mom living with her. Doesn't sound like anything short of that will make her mom happy (0r less unhappy, as it were). I don't imagine needing or not needing the money comes into play when she's looking at her health, her marriage (this will create havoc in her home).
If my health allowed, I'd likely try to placate her and get the hundred thousands. It would be nice to feel comfortable about my retirement and be able to help educate the grandkids. I have a special needs niece, I'd like to help with as well.) If you don't need it, then, I'd set my boundaries and just learn to tune her out. I don't think that expecting things to get better or change with her would work.
The bottom line with all of these issues is my mother's refusal to spend any money. She even returns groceries to the store when she can sneak them in her purse. She tries to get her money back on things she has opened!!!! Money is her stonewall. She will not spend it. Period. And if I spend it and tell her she owes me, Good luck with that! She says I shouldn't have done it. I should have cleaned, picked up, shopped or whatever myself and I wouldn't have had to pay. And if I pay for someone to come to the house (which I would never do even if I could afford it, which I cannot) she won't let them in. When my father was sick and needed PT, she wouldn't let them in. She said it was ridiculous and he was fine.
Sunnygirl - I have already worked hard and paid for my kids college. 100% and as far as inheritance at this point I will donate it to charity before I take it for myself. Maybe something my mother would hate.
Churchmouse - You are right on! She sees me as a young person. And when I say, hey mom, I'm 60 years old! She says, "oh you're still young!" So there is no reasoning with her.
New event - Today I was diagnosed with a herniated disc and will need 8 weeks of PT and steroids and muscle relaxants. Two months ago had the same thing. Now they are saying I must get better or next time is surgery. Working full time and driving down to moms every week is really aggravating it because I have a desk job and a two hour car ride. Maybe I should ask for a back sling, LOL
You can explain to your mother that time catches up with all of us, and that you no longer have the energy or muscle tone that you did. You can explain the demands on your time. You can assert your right to divide your attention as you please. Will she listen, much less agree, much less concede the point that she needs to buy in help? Not a chance!
But you are, as you say, an adult woman and you have autonomy. I agree with BB that saying no is hard, but not only can it be done, it is your only way out.
You could try itemising the tasks she regularly needs help with, and seeing to whom you might practically delegate them. Then start small, using unobtrusive services such as laundries or gardening companies - people who don't need to hang about in the house but will still take things off the To Do list for you. DO NOT PAY FOR THESE. You say "mother, I can't change the bed this week, so put the linen by the washer and Acme will pick them up for you Tuesday and deliver Thursday. The driver's name is Ben and the charge is $15."
And if she says - what was Captain's mother's wonderful phrase? - "I ain't a-payin' it. They can keep it." - or perhaps when she says words to that effect, then you MUST calmly stand your ground. The impasse may last some time, with you not doing the laundry and her letting the sheets pile up until she can't see out of the windows, but if eventually she's run out of bedlinen and you're worried about an avalanche, you call the laundry, get it done and GIVE HER THE BILL.
This is of course only a worked example; but do you have similar things it might compare to?
You cannot please someone like that. It doesn't matter what you do, they don't want to be pleased, they want attention. You are her "narcissistic supply". I found I have to detach and distance. Personally there is no way you could get me to mop up a basement flood on my hands and knees with paper towel. Sounds like you set a limit on that kind of thing. Good for you.
Yes, there will be a crisis one day. Then the professionals can make some decisions for her. e.g she cannot live alone any more. Under no circumstances let her stay with you. I refused to let my mother stay with me. She would have ruined my life.
Your mother is pushing your guilt buttons from what I can see. Narcissists use FOG - fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate people.
"She just shrugs and says, oh well if no one wants me then. " That is pushing your guilt button. Don't fall for it. Just say "Yeah, that's right, mom," or whatever shows her that you are not playing her game.
False guilt comes from not meeting the unrealistic expectations of others, real guilt comes from doing something wrong, which you are not.
Read around and you will see many stories of similar situations. We all learn from one another and reinforce our resolve to have a sane and healthy life. Absolutely your husband, yourself and your kids come first!