I have been trying to care for my mom for 8 years. 5 1/2 years ago my dad died. She lives an hour away from me and will not move unless I take her into my home. She has the funds to pay for a wonderful life in assisted living. There are several options near me. She refuses by saying that she wants to give her money to her children when she dies and she does want to "go to a home". We have toured the facilities. My mother in law lives in one of them. But my mother will NOT consider it. So I suggested hiring help in her home. "NO!, I thought my family would do these things for me. No one loves me. No one wants me."
I used to say that is just false. But now I'm feeling like "Yeah, you're right. no one would want to be around someone as negative and impossible to please as you. I am at the end of my rope. I am a grown adult 60 years old! This is too much for me. But I am the only caregiver she has left. Everyone else has given up. And I don't blame them one bit! In fact, I admire them.
The physical therapist said it was time for me to put away the sling... I explained the situation with my parents and their constant need for me to help. My parents understood the visual of the sling. The therapist understood, and said go ahead and wear the sling whenever I was around my parents :)))
My gosh it worked, that sling stopped my parents from wanting me to drive them all over hill and dale, and for taking them to all those doctor appointments. Thank goodness for Peapod on-line groceries and delivery.
I thought for sure that would have been a wake-up call for my parents that they need to hire help, to blow the dust off their wallet. As soon as I was able to drive six months later, it was back to the some old, some old.
Why do you think that she is so intent on moving in with you? Does she enjoy making you miserable or does she not notice that's what she does? I would question her stability. She may be competent to make her own decisions, but, something sounds way off.
Do you really think that she is leaving you the hundreds of thousands of dollars? Are there other adult children to split it with? If the money was really needed, then, I'd probably try to placate her so I would get the inheritance. You would likely earn every penny being her caretaker. But, you know how things go. If she ends up needing nursing home care, that money may used to cover that care. It's a lot to consider. That money could provide you a nice retirement or college for the kids. A tall price to pay, but, it's all a matter of perspective.
If you only knew what it is like to keep her on the meds she is taking now. It is a constant argument. She doesn't want to spend the money for them. Refuses to get the medicare prescription plan, refuses to buy all she needs. I get them filled and then she won't pay for them. Then what she does have on hand she keeps asking me if she needs to take them. Thinks she really doesn't need them. So adding another drug would be insanity by definition. She makes simple tasks complicated on purpose and then says, "well, I'm old and you need to understand that."
I have been in therapy for two years. I set boundaries. I even hold them. But she always finds a way around things. She once had me come to her house because her basement flooded and she wouldn't provide a mop. I had to use towels to soak up the mess on my hands and knees!!!!! And when I asked her to buy one for the next time, she said why?? I don't want that sitting around. So you see what I'm dealing with. I told her I wouldn't be back if she had that happen again. And I haven't. But the next time will be something different and the story repeats itself. She had me hanging ceilings, landscaping, fixing molding, sealing cracks, painting, etc. No more! I have set that boundary. But she is always testing the fences. It's is utterly exhausting.
I see that at this point it is a battle of wills. She wants her way and she will do whatever it takes to get in my house. I cannot let this happen. She will literally destroy me. She's halfway there already.
I would have rather they use that money and move into something that was elder friendly, as their own house had too many stairs, and both were fall risks. Plus at 90+, Dad shouldn't be out on the ladder cleaning leaves from the gutters. Mom, also 90+, refused caregivers and cleaning people.
My parents, as are a lot of elders, usually are in denial of their age and their ability to manage a house. And these elders still view us as the "kid" thus in their mind we are still 35 years old, and what do we know :P
I did what Barb above had suggested, see a therapist. The therapist did teach me that whatever decisions that my parents make, my parents have to take full responsibility that come with those decisions. Thus, if my parents wanted to live in their own home, let them as long as they are clear minded, and what happens, happens.... it's not my fault. Boy, it wasn't easy, I was still a nervous wreck.
You don't have to be your mom's caregiver if you don't want to. Saying "no" is hard, but it can be done. Have you considered working with a therapist to learn how to better set boundaries?
Have you considered retaining a Geriatric Care manager? They check in on the senior on a regular basis and monitor their welfare, report back, etc. . (Once a week, more or less.) Would she allow that?