My wife's sister, who holds the POA for their Mother, has elected to place her in an assisted care facility a thousand plus miles away from her and all of the siblings. Recovery from hip surgery from a fall and the onset of dementia is present. Basically the kids all have moved away and there is no one close to effectively manage care on any kind of regular basis.
Getting any kind of information of what the POA holder plans to do has been impossible.
Sibling relationships can sometimes go south when it comes time to take care of elderly parents. A little late now, but a family meeting to discuss future plans and how "everyone" intends to still be a part of Mom's life and care might help clear the air. Good luck!
Second, I think it depends on the relationship within the family. Even without any documentation to require a caregiver to do so, some keep family members informed; others do not, and sometimes withhold information as a ploy and manipulative tactic.
Personally, I've kept my sibling up to date notwithstanding much of a response (only infrequent calls, etc.). I don't feel any obligation to provide details on anything else.
So think about the family dynamics. Are the siblings supportive? Notwithstanding the distance, do they visit and provide respite care, call the caregiver or your MIL or SIL, offer to help?
Have they contributed any financial support?
How long has your SIL been caring for your MIL?
Given that the adult children have moved away, what alternatives would you think would be appropriate? Are you and your wife willing to take care of your MIL, either in your home or at a facility close to you?
There are many unanswered questions here so it's hard to offer suggestions without knowing more about whether or not the extended family has participated in your MIL's care.
As to the second question, I would offer the same suggestion on family dynamics. Obviously there's some communication with the caregiver which has caused you to disagree with the level of care. What have you offered to supplment and/or replace the care? If you and your wife are only offering distance caregiving advice, you're not on scene and would be hard pressed to know what the caregiver is doing on a daily basis.
That's not a criticism; it's a fact. It's kind of a "walk a mile in my shoes" situation.
I think you should again examine what you and your wife have done or not done in the past to support care of your MIL, what you're offering now, and do a serious evaluation of the issues in contention before even considering a lawsuit.
If you have specific legitimate complaints, develop potential solutions and offer them to the caregiver. Make your next vacation plans include a visit to the caregiver and your MIL, whether she's with the caregiver or in an AL facility.
Basically, become very involved before judgment is levelled against a caregiver in a distant geographic locale. You don't know what she's facing on a daily basis.
I have 5 siblings, only 2 of whom (my sisters) help me out at all with mum and dad.
My 3 brothers just leave us to it (2 of whom live 5/10 mins from mum)
Unless you have evidence of ill treatment, then if your SIL has cared for your mum and now decides this is the appropriate care, then you may just need to respect that, unless, as the above poster asks, you are prepared to have her live with you or fund a more local option?
We are at the point of having to put mum in a nursing facility, and my pompous brother now deciding (too late) to throw his opinion into the ring is frankly making this harder.
Sometimes you should trust the person closest.
If you have no complaints over you SIL's historical care of her mum, then maybe you should trust her judgment now?
Seems a little odd that she'd put her in a place 1000 miles from anyone (her included?) though?
Have you calmly asked her what the reasoning was for that? Can't imagine it is without good reason?
(We are really struggling with waiting lists... can't get mum into the places we like, so being forced to cast the net wider. Won't make it easy for dad to see her regularly. Very sad, but unavoidable!)
Summary of the HIPAA Privacy Rule
You need a HIPAA release signed by mother
Believe me, the stress of having to make difficult decisions for ageing parents is only worse when siblings get involved only to criticize.
It sounds as if the SIL knows that Mom cannot be alone and needs an advocate that is close by. If SIL with the Health POA can't move to be close to Mom, SIL is moving Mom close to her. That is perfectly logical and one of the only responsible things for your SIL to do. If all the siblings expect the SIL, by virtue of the Health POA, to travel a thousand miles to meet with every doctor and handle every crisis, rather than move Mom closer to one of you or her, then shame on the siblings.
From my experience with my Mom, a hip break requires rehab. The surgery required for a hip break often accelerates dementia/Alzheimer's to a frightening pace. In the very least, it can take weeks for a person with dementia to just bounce back from the general anesthesia and relocations from home, to the hospital, to the rehab facility, and then, if the patient is lucky and was in good health before the hip break, back home again. I also suspect that your SIL has been told that your MIL requires at the very least, 24/7 assistance.
One other word of caution. I have seen my Mom have perfectly lucid conversations with a distant sibling and then spend the next 24 hours asleep or out of her mind with dementia. Please don't be fooled by the lucidity of the occasional telephone call. Your MIL sounds like she is in a very tenuous situation that requires assistance 24/7. Your MIL is also probably not a good judge of her condition.
Should the siblings know what is going on? I think your SIL does have a moral, if not legal, obligation to let you know, but I can understand her frustration if she is only subject to armchair quarterbacking from a thousand miles away. SIL has to make some really, really, hard decisions and I would hope that the siblings would spend some time with Mom (not a daily phone call or a one hour visit, how about nothing less than a week full time) before they jump to any conclusions about the perceived lack of communication.
I am so thankful and grateful for my long distance siblings and the ones close by. We have all collaborated and they have been nothing but supportive with what was ultimately my decision (because of the Health POA) with Mom. I am sure that some of my decisions came across as edicts, but they understood that I needed their support as much as Mom needed their support. My local siblings spent a lot of time with Mom and Dad (without me present) and when we felt that Mom or Dad were having a crisis they would not fully recover from, the distant siblings came and spent time with both of them. I would say, "if it was me, I would come", and they listened. I know that I am very lucky. Just know what is really happening before passing judgment.
I speak at length about how to establish a care plan based on shared responsibility. There's even a vignette (Dean's Story) about brother's who accomplished cooperation despite a poor relationship. You just might it helpful to read the book before this simmering battle erupts into a full-blown war.
Barbara M.
It's not resentment towards my mom, those days are over. I'm way beyond bitter, resentful or frustrated at mom, I'm destroy by the situation that I am still frustrated with. I'm crushed for myself and for her. My life and health are destroyed. It's time for God's comeback for me. I have to heal myself now that mom is in assisted living where she does not want to be nor needs to be. The evil siblings had the evil judge and courts stuff her in an old folks home on the grounds that I breached my fiduciary duties which were never identified or allegated in court, they just falsely accused it to steal my mother's estate, liquidate and carve up her money for themselves. When there was no evidence against me to prove, they turned on mother and declared her incapacitated. Beware the "justice" system. This is how they make their money, looking for little old ladies to rob. Judges and lawyers are by and large crooks by their very own vocations and by the very system they operate in and how it's set up to rob people. Justice is blind but it is not deaf to the clinking sound of silver and gold in people's pockets. It was not a house of justice for all nor for my mother; instead it was a house of commerce for lawless thieves. The lawless, crooked judge in Yuma Arizona and his appointed thieving lawyers and investigators made exorbitant unwarranted salaries they charged to my mother's estate. They stole my inheritance and the home I stood to inherit but as long as my mother is safe, I know I sacrificed everything, including my own job, own pension, healthcare, my own home which I lost to foreclosure and my entire worldly possessions to help another; I didn't lose it on drugs and alcohol and gambling, nor in attempting to steal from my mother as the liars tried to falsely accuse. But I did lose everything trying to protect, care for and keep my mother alive while the other kids abused her, cleaned her out of all of her money hoping she would die and turned their backs on her when they couldn't get any more money and property that belonged to her. She's alive and safe and sadly, aware of all of the injustice that has happened to her, but her life and care in assisted living where I put her while I recovered her finances has kept her alive and that is my reward. Now, I have to save myself and heal myself. I'm starting completely over again with nothing at the age of 62. Mom and I couldn't love each other more and she has disowned her other children who never call her, now that their lawyers have stolen all the money, having sucked mother dry, they have turned their back on her and are now robbing their own husbands and children. Be very cautious and deadly aware of the greed and avarice in this world. I walked innocently right into it, relying on the letter of the law to protect me and my mother. My sisters and their children (judges, lawyers, investigators, APS, public fiduciary, guardian, county assigned hospice and assisted living managers - it's a racket!!) were all sociopaths and psychotic greedy, selfish liars and thieves, perjuring themselves under oath and putting mom's money in their pockets. I told my mother for 45 years to cast not her pearls before swine. I didn't speak to either of my sisters for 45 years (now their own children are estranged, hate their mothers and have NOTHING to do with them, never speak to their own mothers who aren't even allowed to know their phone numbers; they came and testified in the hearing on their grandmother's and my, their uncle's, behalf. They stay in communication with me and mom, but not with their own mothers whom they despise. I told mom, "don't go into a room with a cobra in it." Stay away from your lying, thieving dishonest children. Those children have all along presumed that everything Mom owned belong to them and by continuing to communicate with her evil children she entitled them to ruin her life. She cries every day for me now and rues the day that she ever included her wicked liars in her life. They left her flat broke and wishing she could go home with her son, the home that their lawyers are now liquidating to pay for their lavish self-paid salaries and at the expense of the son who is now destitute at the age of 62. I was that son who sacrificed everything I had to save my mother when her grandson left her for dead on the lawn of the emergency room, he was too stoned on drugs and didn't want to take her all the way into the emergency room so he dropped her off outside where a male nurse found her, picked her up and took her into emergency ICU - true story. I'm glad I did the right thing but it wasn't fair of the judge and my sisters to put their mother in a home to rot alone and steal her 3 homes when 5 medical experts all declared her competent, but the judge over-ruled their expert evaluations and tests which she passed with flying colors and no doubt to her competency, the judge declaring in court instead: "I'm the expert." (so arrogant he spoke and it's in the transcript), just so he could carry out his agenda to steal her estate! Beware! Take care of your mother but tell no one your intentions. The managers at her assisted living illegally alerted my sister, breaching confidentiality clause in the lease to keep all information private which is only allowed to be divulged to the Power of Attorney, my sister was not her POA, I was, they broke the law and it would cost us too much money to sue them (the whole town of Yuma AZ is a healthcare racket!), when mom and I were giving assisted living her 30 days notice so I could take her back to her beloved home which the grandson was squatting in rent free for 7 years, so his mother, my sister scheduled an illegal 4 day hearing on March 12 (it has to be 2 weeks minimum) in order to block her mother's eviction of the grandson in a legally scheduled hearing on the 13th, and the lawless Yuma judge rescheduled an illegally scheduled hearing, justice delayed, denied, corrupted! Just so the daughter wouldn't have to be responsible for her 37 year old deadbeat son, illiterate, never has had a job in his entire life, she claims he's retarded when he is not, 3 illegitimate kids by 3 different women, and he has never paid a penny in child support in 11 years and has lived off of "grandmommy" his entire life! My Mom financially needed her home back, HER asset and resource in order to recover from the bankruptcy her same daughter and grandson put her in by charging over 100,000 dollars collectively in unauthorized charges to her good credit and her cards behind her back, and by swindling her in fraud investments with them where they promised to "pay her back", then they tried to steal their matriarch's own home in court away from her while their own lawyers stole the estate away from them! So the crooked judge and lawyers and investigators could put the money in their own pockets. The judge and his appointed lawyers and investigators took every penny of Mom's assets for themselves - $300,000 dollars!
The exact price of the sale of mom's ocean view home, 4 bedroom 2 bath home on a cliff over-looking the Pacific ocean on 3 acres. They stole every asset she had to pay themselves salaries and she's heart broken, completely devastated. A good mother and caring grandmother should not have been treated this way, she cared for everyone who abused, neglected her and left her to die after stealing everything she worked a lifetime to earn.
What is your objection? That she's in a nursing home? That's probably where she belongs. Or that you don't know what the long-term plans are? Maybe your SIL doesn't know that either. What she does going forward is probably fully dependent on whether or not mom responds to rehab and gets back on her feet. The nursing home may be temporary or it may be permanent.
If your wife doesn't have a "good enough" relationship with her sister to have conversations with her about mom's care, you don't have much. When the rubber meets the road is a poor time to establish two-way communication.
Kathy from Hartford, CT
Before my mother passed away seven months ago I found out that she had horrible bed soars, so I contacted an attorney to help me with this. At this time I did now know my mother would be alive only three more months.
Ever since this suit has been active, two of the other three siblings now think that I've been stealing money from my parents and think that I'm pursuing this suite for my own financial gain mainly because one month after my mother originally went into the hospital I bought a new car. Now I worked all my adult life and have a pension and 401K which I used to buy my car. She appointed me to take care of her's and my father's finances and anything else I had to take care of. So I did. I would also freely tell my sister some of the financial information. Since my integrity was in questions, I offered to she her and my other brother my bank statement which showed the amount I paid off my car and I had a copy of the check send to me from my pension plan which also showed my balance. I thought this would clear the air. I guess it did for a moment until the law suit came into play. My other brother made a comment that my mother should not have been put into a nursing home, but he did not lift one pinky to help -- not one, but he remains to be an accuser.
The only person now that I give any information to whether it be financial or medical is my POA brother. The other three don't really talk to me anymore.
I did every thing I could to help my mother live and continue to help my father live even though he is in the nursing home, and these three have the nerve to say that I am pursing this law suit for my own benefit. I thought my mother would be alive to reap the benefits herself, but that did happen.
My father depends on my a lot even though he is in the nursing home. I call him every day, sometimes twice a day and see him once a week, sometimes twice a week and that still more than they do. They hardly call him and sometimes weeks would go by before they even go see him.
My POA brother told me no matter how transparent you are people are going to think what they're going to think.
After all this I cannot believe to this day how those three think of me, but I will continue to keep doing what I have to do no matter what they say or think. I spoke to my father about this and he supports me 110%.
I feel that if they were active in the caregiving of my mother maybe they would not feel that they didn't deserve anything from the suit. That's how I feel about it.
If anyone is in anything remotely similar to this, I suggest you keep doing what you're doing with confidence and try not to be shaken by nay sayers -- family or not.
"I thought my mother would be alive so both my parents could reap the rewards of the law suit, but that DID NOT happen."
The main goal is to make sure the Mother gets the best care and support possible, based on her wishes.
In families, there is often one adult child who sacrifices their life (every last ounce of it) to care for aging parents, and or grandparents. This is the adult child who cares about what happens to aging relatives who are loosing their ability to be self sufficient. Often because of illness, a fall, or an apparent mental decline, this is the adult child who is observant of the needs of others instead of being self absorbed as to remain oblivious the the decline that happens to every human being including them.
This population is often just as vulnerable as infants, young children, emerging adolescents, and are preyed up and abused at alarming rates if left alone. They need a close, and trusted person to have their best interests at heart. We don't leave our children alone, nor are we uninterested in what happens to them during the day while interacting with people outside the family domain. I've been horrified by the actions and or lack of action of often times minimum wage, and untrained employees in many managed care facilities. This would include hospital settings, with educated, well paid and trained professionals providing "care." When I asked a nurse for a bedpan for my father at HIS REQUEST to urinate, and when the nurse told me to, "tell him to wet himself because he had a diaper" I was shocked and furious by her reply! Really?!! There was absolutely nothing wrong with him other than being forced to stay in bed because he was a fall risk at the time, and I was not about to allow him to be stripped of his dignity any further. I immediately called on the Patient Advocate informing of the situation, and stating that this nurse was to have no further contact with my father! What would have happened if I had not been there? Is that how any of us want to be treated? Caring for elders is a full time, under appreciated, and often thankless occupation, that unless you choose to take on the burden you have no idea about the personal sacrifice involved. I consider it the "right thing to do" because I'm that way. I hope someday what I model for my child will keep me out of harms way. No one wants to become a burden, but we sometimes don't have that choice.
In my family there has been little concern from other family members until the caregiver has reached a point of sheer exhaustion, both physically, mentally and emotionally. The caregiver eventually reaches the heartbreaking decision to put the elder in an alternative living situation. Then the siblings who've been on the remote sidelines, except with their hands out for the obligatory card and check, all show up up "concerned" voicing their advise and opinions about "what's best." What all that often boils down to is concern about the financial loss of any possible inheritance they assume will be forthcoming.
From my experience the POA or caregiver may be so exhausted and defeated by the lack of involvement of other family members there is also resentment, and feelings of being abandoned by other capable siblings. Perhaps this could be the reason that getting information about the intentions of the POA is "impossible." People generally shut down communication if they feel ignored and left with the sole responsibility for providing care.
When I did do a family report its a group one, so no one could say they didn't get it.
When I worked in rest homes, I noted that often it wasn't those close by that visited but those from great distances, I wasn't sure if your POA sister has her mother far away from her also ??? if so that sounds bad management, or just living close to her and away from all the other family. Those drop in visits are necessary and important. IF the dementia is past the point of any return, does the mother even know if anyone has been. ??
I visited my Ma yesterday and walked into the room, she didn't recognise me, as she was busy getting a mirror shifted.. so I went and talked to the staff and 5mins later went back and re-greeted her and got her acknowledgment but realised she knew my name but thinks Im now her sister, not daughter.
guess I haven't answered your question, but cant see why your wife cant ph the rest home her mother is going into, and getting an update that way. HIPPA does not prevent someone of the family being informed how their mother is. And would your wife be prepared to be more physically active in her mothers care, for a better connection. I know how P** off I got with failure for any support from one of my siblings, to even do a check. on the days I couldn't... despite her driving by, just 200 yards from the rest home