Myself, my husband, and my 20 year old daughter live with my mom who is 80 years old. She is on dialysis three days a week, has severe arthritis, and a whole host of other medical problems. We moved in to get her house ready to sell 10 years ago, but she had health problems and we ended up staying in order to care for her. We live rent free, however, we provide all her transportation to dialysis, doctor appointments, do all her shopping, her laundry, pay for food, medicine, tv, cellphones, gas, etc. She essentially has in home private duty care 24/7.
I have two siblings that live close. They barely help but LOVE to throw it in my face that we live here rent free any time I remind them that I need help. They basically say it's all on us since we live here. I don't have to live here, but it must make them feel better to think that I do.
The issue I have is my brother, who I do not get along very well with, is the executor of her estate. I am the POA for health care and my sister is, well my sister. She seems to be cozying up to him lately, too. I am worried because my brother could essentially put me and my family on the street the same day my mom passes, and I wouldn't put that past him.
I am looking for advice on how I can protect myself and my family in case this does happen. My mom is not well, but I will continue to care for her as long as she is here. I work full time and have FMLA. I have missed a lot of work over the years caring for her, I have given up family vacations, quit working on my masters, etc. because of caregiver demands. And, that's o.k. it's my job. But, I do very much worry about the level of greed my siblings will unleash once she is gone. It isn't fair, that we have given up our lives the past ten years while they go on an just live their lives, then throwing all that in my face when ever they feel those pangs of guilt.
Should I look into hiring my own attorney? I hate to do that, but the way my brother and sister act, I think I need to do something. They're both so ridiculous and in their eyes, it's "my job" because I live here "rent free." I've paid that, ten fold, and as my mom ages and needs more care, I need more help. Thanks.
Around here, it's room and board free (granted it's only for the caregiver), a day off and approx. $1200-$1500 a week salary. That's just for basic non-medical, impersonal companion. I've just been checking around, because like you, all siblings are waiting for whatever $ is left after mom passes to be divided equally (she doesn't have much, but they don't know). They don't want to help at all, and never did, so they don't even understand what goes into care giving.
It looks to me as though your siblings should just GIVE you the house for the time and care that you are giving your mom. My DH paid for his brothers new car when he couldn't pitch in due to distance, and his brother was stuck just "managing" the accounting part of my MIL.
Tell them that you will pay rent, but will charge for services like if your mom had a HHA come for the week. Basically, take approx. $6400 (HHA salary for a month) and deduct that from rent. See who comes out ahead. I think they will owe YOU.
When I say we've given up our lives to care for her, I mean we really have. She cannot be home alone, so we get no time away for just us. My daughter helps, but she is young and I don't want to burden her with more than I already do.
My niece does help, every other week with one doctor appointment. My sister used to take her to church sometimes and she does her bills (although they are all piling up right now). She never takes her to appointments, to dialysis, to the ER, rarely visits, etc. When confronted, she blames me! We don't talk at all, which is a shame. I envy those who have a close relationship with their siblings and are able to count on them when needed. Mine? They just get all honked off when I call them out on their BS. Honestly, I am not worried about loosing a relationship with either of them. They're opportunistic, self absorbed, and my brother drinks a lot. I don't even know how we all came from the same parents. I am a health care professional and a very caring and sensitive individual. But, people always mistake my kindness for weakness and tend to really dislike it when I push back!
I'm not going to lie and act like they've always been there, because they haven't and everyone knows it. However, I won't be the one riddled with guilt when she's gone, nor will I be the greedy type that has their hand out waiting to get paid. But, I am going to do what I have to in order to protect myself. My sister is upset because she has no power, at all. So, I guess that is why she is now buddy buddy with my brother, who has financial POA. They both threatened me today but honestly, she hasn't a leg to stand on since she has no power and she is the LEAST helpful in the bunch!
&*@)!!@#!! What is it about family, especially siblings, that brings the ugly out in people? I just want to get along but they make that difficult. I also found out today that my mom should qualify for a home health aide that can do light house work, go to the grocery, etc. REGARDLESS of who lives here! My sister works for the home care company that comes (nursing, PT & OT). I have asked my sister about this in the past and she said that mom doesn't qualify because I live there(?). So I guess she has been lying this entire time which in her eyes is ok because God forbid we get a little help.
Can I, as her HCPOA, call the home care company and ask that she not be involved in any of mom's business with them? I mean, a little house work or going to the store would be a huge help to us and the fact that she is keeping that from us is just like her, she's that nasty. Plus, it's not like she's going to do it!
By the way, I don't want the house. My hubby, daughter and I all want to move out west someday and that has been our plan for many, many years.
You are very smart to protect yourself. Siblings will take advantage of you if you let them and don't ask for compensation. There are givers and takers in the family. Takers have no conscience.
You need to put your pride aside and protect yourself from being taken advantage of. By all means take care of mom, but not for free. While you are slaving and giving up your life the others are benefiting health-wise and money-wise. They will be laughing all the way to the bank after your mom passes and you'll be left exhausted, and used, if you let them. In their selfish minds they think the free rent is a bid deal. Let them do ALL the work.
You can tell the agency that YOU have the POA and that they are to deal with you, only.
I found out that private duty care in our part of the country costs $18,000 a month! That's WAY more than rent! I don't blame my mom, she'd just caught in the middle of this and I hate that, too. She is of sound mind and wants to have something notarized so we can stay in the house. The house is full of everyone's stuff, 30+ years worth. I've asked them for help multiple times to clean it out, but of course that falls on deaf ears too. I asked my hubby how long it would take and he said at least a year, to go through it all. I looked up the state minimum time to vacate and its like 10 days...I couldn't bury my mother and move in 10 days, there is no way. For my brother to act like this is SO ugly. It is disgusting. My sister is just going along because she is an ugly and jealous person. She has no power, except what she has been flexing at her work. I will be calling the home care company today to tell them that she is no longer allowed to have information, they need to call me to set things up. I am tired of her controlling that end, making sure that we don't have that little bit of extra help is just appalling. I had no idea they would act like this...but I am honestly not surprised. It's just sad. It's causing me anxiety and stress that I don't need right now.
The deliberate denial of respite for you is just plain vindictive. Your siblings need legal limits set and set firmly, and they need some kind of education on the value of the services you are performing. If they are less compassionate than the state Medicaid would be, that's beyond sad. This is probably not much more than pure human greed for $$$ they think they are supposed to inherit taking over where their moral compass and conscience are supposed to be.
There seems to be a tremendous amount of hurt, defensiveness and anger in this situation. And in the middle of it is your mother, who has very clear and onerous care needs, and what is she doing to address them? If she is still competent, and you seem confident that she is, then neither your nor your brother's POA is set in stone - let alone the executorship which, as has been pointed out, will in any case be constrained by the terms of your mother's will. Which, by the way, you have no business to see unless your mother wishes to show it to you.
You don't pay rent, but you are paying for utilities, groceries and other bills? I hope someone's keeping track of all that. If your brother has financial POA he needs to see receipts. Has anyone ever actually sat down and added up?
What I'm getting at is that there is a distinct lack of cards on the table, here. Your mother, being competent, holds all of them. She can solve all of this discord by making her wishes and intentions clear. Well..?
So, no you don't hire your own attorney. If you and your siblings aren't able to do this, you get your mother's attorney in to address with her the key issues of a) where she wishes to continue to live, how she wishes to be cared for, and how those arrangements are to be paid for; and b) whether she continues to be content with her will as it currently stands.
I'm sorry for the stress you're feeling, I am there too; but I think the solution is to get this messy situation tidied up rather than to see your siblings as spiteful, greedy, evil and drunk.
I think it would help matters if adult children realized that, unless their parents have an estate worth multiple millions, mom and dad's care is going to eat up all savings.
Mom wants to stay in her home, with us (me, my hubby, and my daughter). She has made it VERY clear to us that she does not want anyone else to move in, but if it got to be too much for us and we wanted to move then that would be alright.
My mom is a very strong, caring, and self -less woman. She's always been there for ALL of us. I am definitely the closest to her and I see all the good and the bad. I'm the one who gets the attitude when she feels like crap, I'm the one sitting with her for hours in the ER, in the hospital, running to the rehab for dinner, etc. I am SO LUCKY to have such a wonderful husband. Most men would have turned tail and ran, but he's sticks around, helps her anytime she needs it, and stays out of the drama. He knows what's up though. He's been through this before and said that it will get worse, once she is gone.
When we move, we are moving clear across the country. My mom is in no shape to move and all her family and doctors are here, so no plans to move yet.
I've thought about just leaving the house and letting my brother deal with it once the time comes. Just getting all our stuff that we want to keep and selling the rest. We are going to start working on it soon. I don't want the house. I do love it, I love our yard and it's a great house with lots of memories but it is too big even for the four of us. Definitely too big for us three.
Idk what has gotten into them lately. It's sad when you actually forget that you have siblings. I forget, ALL the time, that I have a sister and brother. It's unfortunate. I can't tell you the last time I went and did anything with either one of them...it's been years.
My hubby and I are planning a trip this winter. My daughter has school so she will have to stay. I took her on a trip of a life time last fall. Too bad my hubby had to stay behind because we couldn't get a straight answer on who would come and stay with mom. It's that ridiculous.
Idk how either one of them will handle things when she is gone, they cannot even get it together enough to help out now, so I doubt things will change then.
I am in my mums house BUT my family would never do this to me as bad as they are also they would need me here to sort the house out as they are abroad but dont think i havnt thought about this as you never know how people can turn?
Get your mum to have a clause in her will that you stay there until you can move out when house is sold!
Im always shocked on here as to how low some family can go and this is the lowest ive heard. Blood is thicker than water BUT boils quicker!
hugs to you as this just isnt right i hope you sort this sooner rather than too later!
CYA....
Yours is a symbiotic relationship with your mom. You're providing her care. She's providing you a free place to live.
"We've decided we have to put this on a more business relationship. What's going on now isn't working. In exchange for rent and utilities/taxes she'd have to pay anyway, we're willing to keep providing her care with limits. We're going to need some respite care."
Don't expect them to provide it. Find out what it costs and explain that MOM'S paying it. Do your homework. Find out what services are available free. There are many. Start utilizing those; make a list of what else you need; research the prices; and come up with a number.
Their alternative, should they choose not to pay what's necessary, is for you to move and make the problem theirs.
So far (knock on wood) there has not been any trouble from my brother. However, I am sure if dad had any money my brother would be there with his hand out.
Anyway.......the house & the majority of her money are being left to me. I am POA & her health care proxy. My brother used to be those things, but she changed that when I moved in with her because it seemed to make more sense since I am here & know everything about her health & finances. I have another brother as well & he lives 2,000 miles away.
There have been a few times in the past several years that I have asked for help from my brother who used to be POA, & while he didn't come right out & say that I was on my own since I was inheriting the house, he offered no help. My other brother lives about 2,000 miles away & he makes a ton of money so he could care less about who is getting the house & her money when she dies. He has never offered to help, or to pitch in to pay for help, but at least he doesn't say anything about who is getting what when she dies.
My brother who used to be POA found out that he wasn't POA anymore when she went from the hospital to a rehab center after she had the shoulder replacement---she didn't tell him, which was wrong on her part. He found out when she was admitted, which pissed him off big time. He is 11 years older than me, by the way. (The way she deals with things is to let other people bear the repercussions of her avoidance of the situation because she doesn't want to deal with things directly.)
My brother has OCCASIONALLY done things for her, but has in no way been here for her like I have been. She decided to leave the house to me---I did not, in any way, suggest to her that she do this or ask her to do this, it was 100% her own decision--and when my brother found out, he was LIVID. He said that I didn't deserve the house because he didn't get his house for free & I shouldn't get her house for free, that the house should be left 3 ways to all the kids & if I want the house I should take out a mortgage & buy them out. (Wait until he finds out that she left 90% of her money to me too.......he'll probably never speak to me again.)
He has no idea what I deal with on a daily basis. If we were to switch roles, & he took my role living with her 24/7, he would last for a day----he would not be able to tolerate it. If he knew what I deal with daily, if he put himself in my shoes for a while, he would see that getting the house doesn't come close to compensating me for what I go through daily!!!
It is very sad that children & siblings become so concerned about their parents' assets before they're even gone. I tend to think that my brother already had figured his inheritance into his retirement plan & funding---1/3 of the house (which could also have been 1/2 because I don't think my other brother really cares), and some of her money. It would have been at least $150,000 for him, at the very least.
I do work full time, but I quit my job to take care of her several years ago & it took me a very long time to find a job again. I was her 24/7 caretaker for about 10 months. If she had to pay out of pocket for 24/7 care back then, even for a non-medical attendant, it would have been over $6,000 per month. So, that comes to over $60,000 for what I did for those 10 months. My mother is fully aware of how much I did & what it was worth.
I'm not sure if my brother is more angry that he lost his job as POA & health care proxy, and therefore all control over her assets or that he won't get 1/3 of her assets. He isn't the kind that would take her assets before she is gone, but he is the kind that would have demanded that I buy his share of the house if I wanted to stay----he wouldn't let me stay there for nothing. I think my mother knew that, too, which is a reason why she changed her will.
The way you spoke, it sounds like your mother has a will. Have you seen the will & do you know what's in there? I think that before you lawyer up, it would be wise to speak directly with your mother first. Express your concerns, bring up the facts about how much it would cost if she had to pay for 24/7 care, & that you are worried that when she dies your brother will throw you out of the house. She may not know that you are worried about that.
The other thing is that you could tell your brother that it is clear that he & your sister are very bothered by the fact that you live there rent-free, despite the fact that you are the 24/7 caregiver for your mother, that you're moving out & he can worry about paying for round-the-clock care for her to the tune of $1,500/week, or he can put her in a nursing home which will snatch that house & all of her other assets so fast his head will spin around like Linda Blair & none of the kids will get anything from the estate. Unless you're there to cart her to dialysis 3X a week, she'll have to go to a skilled nursing facility because of the kidney issues. If she goes into a facility, your FMLA will end, too.
You don't have to solve this situation with your brother---in fact, I'd advise not to. Start with your mother----she may be more receptive than you think. You don't have to lawyer up right from the start. You're not asking that she leave you the house & your siblings nothing----you just don't want to be thrown out of the house once she's gone before you have a chance to get your own home. Your mother can institute a life tenancy for you to live in the home until it is sold---which will require all 3 siblings to consent to if it is left 3 ways.
Unfortunately, when you're dealing with greedy siblings, when you ask for help they throw the "free living" thing back in your face because they have no idea the amount of work you actually do. All they can see is that they are paying rent or a mortgage & you're not----they don't think that you provide transportation to dialysis, pay for food, utilities, living expenses, clean the house, etc. Perhaps if you itemized all the work you do, tally the mileage to & from dialysis, keep receipts for all the stuff you buy & bills for utilities that you pay, add all that stuff up on a monthly basis & give it to your brother so he can see that your "rent free" deal isn't really free, it might change his mind. However, if he's anything like mine, it won't matter---all they can see is that they won't be cashing in when mom passes away, & that's all that really matter. They don't care that you are doing everything & paying for a lot of stuff with money & with your time. Unfortunately, that probably won't ever change.
If your brother is POA, why is your sister paying your mother's bills? Your brother should be paying the bills, not her.
It might be worthwhile to have a group meeting with your mother & your brother & sister to get all of this stuff out on the table. Your mother's desires about what she wants done with the estate can be addressed, & her wishes about not having your brother evict you from the house should be discussed as well. Take notes, & even record the entire meeting so nobody's words get twisted or misinterpreted. Then, go to the lawyer that did your mom's will & ask to have all the stuff your mother wants memorialized in writing. She may have to have another will drawn up. Although you say you don't want to read the will, you should---you really should know what's in there as far as you & your siblings after her death. The attorney can also draw up a life tenancy for you---even though you are planning on moving lock, stock & barrel out west, you don't want to have to deal with your brother trying to evict you after she passes, as you suspect he will do. If the house is left equally to all 3 children, then all 3 have to consent to sell the house. If you do not want to sell the house, then your brother can buy your 1/3 of the house.
As far as living in her house "rent free", I would suggest keeping a spreadsheet of all expenses you pay, as well as all of the time spent caring for her & transporting her to dialysis, doctor's appointments, etc., at the accepted local rate for non-medical home care personnel. Submit the spreadsheet along with copies of receipts (don't give him the originals---ALWAYS keep the originals) on a monthly basis. This may open his eyes to your "rent free" deal with your mother. Trust me---and I know this first hand---when you live with an elderly parent, there is NOTHING "rent free" about it. There is no price on the loss of privacy, 24/7 stress & aggravation, personal time lost to taking care of your mother, transporting them to doctor's offices & sitting with them for hours, & all of the daily frustrations. Sure, receipts show tangible items & costs. Unless your brother & sister would agree to moving in with your mother & dealing with the daily issues that you deal with, they have no idea what you're going through. I live with my 85 year old mother, & I posted my experiences in a very long post, so I am well aware of the "rent free" accusations. My brother is always very concerned about whether or not I pay rent to my mother, how much I contribute towards utilities & expenses, & he bullies my mother to tell him. He scares her, & so she tells him the truth instead of telling him that it is none of his G.D. business. My mother can't confront anyone or anything---her way of dealing with things is to let other people fight it out after she's gone.
I know exactly what you're going through.
At any rate, all 3 children & your mother must be on the same page with this. You should all know what's in the will.
Unfortunately things, for whatever reason, get complicated. And you may end up on the short end of the stick.
Please know that in the Hereafter, there is One who KNOWS all the sacrifices you have made, and you will find Eternal Reward. This same One, will also query your siblings on their actions & attitudes. Not just towards their Parents, but towards YOU.
Take action now!! Find out what Mom wants and if it is not giving you the house get an elder care lawyer for her (esp. if the house is in her name) and get another place for you and your family. Where I am a decent nursing home is $3,000.00/week So, if your brother and sister don't get it.... Do not waste time!! Secure you and your family then help Mom