How do I protect myself from my siblings?

You have great advice here. It seems it would be in your best interest to follow the advice to take your mom to her attorney and get this all cleaned up. Have her make changes to suit you, provide you income, and be able to live in the house as long as you/your family need it. Having been a caregiver for an older lady, one daughter took her mother to the lawyer and had the daughter changed over to the daughter who seems to really do and care the most. Yes, it was a big upheaval, but it set up the boundaries of respect that was needed by all. Yes, it seems you have over served your mother and your family. I truly think that you should plan to move out and let the siblings take over under the guise that you need immediate possession of the house in your name and that you will begin to have respite care and assign all the money necessary for her needs. You can not do less. I would even look at talking with another elder attorney on your behalf. If your mother thought that you could not continue to care for her, then she might sign off on what you need. A daughter can sometimes be a real doormat and I think you have been one. It seems that your mom does too if she gives control over you your brother while you are doing all the work. It is not just your siblings. It is your mother and your siblings who do not seem to have a moral compass. You need to stand up and speak up with her doctor as well. When I did so much for my mother before she died, her doctor would always stand up for me and he seemed to have the power and knowledge to make things right. Doctors have a lot of advice to help you and they also give recommendations to get help and advice. If you seek the doctor's help first, you might realize that things can be different. You have a choice to take this abuse from your siblings or to stop it. You also need to have a talk with your own doctor. He may decide to limit what you can do for your mother and order her to have other home care workers come in for other services. I am sorry to hear that you had to move in with her and possibly not afford to live on your own. That puts you into a real low position. You should also have a copy of the will which if done right is on file in your county courthouse. There is much that you do not know. It sounds as if your issues with your siblings have gone on for a lifetime. Ill parents can bring out the worst in their adult children. If you go with some advice with your doctor, and a visit with your mom's lawyer and yourself, you might get the most help and support.
Like me, you were the caregiver in the family, but mine was not near what you have been suffering with. I would just do my homework, get a copy of the will and turn all of my dealings over to my attorney and if need be, get out of it all. Let them have it all. They have no respect for you and I bet you have been a little caring doormat all of your life..... God knows we have limitations, so He would encourage you to take care of your mental, emotional, and physical health. Mentally, I do not know how you have taken this. Good luck.

my sympathies to you DGrias. my father passed in January. please feel free to pm me if needed.hugs to you!

I'm so sorry for your loss, DGrias. Be prepared to "flounder a bit" as you adjust to this change in your life. It's ok to take it slow.

DGRIAS, our sympathies.

Mom died Wednesday May 6,2015. She's at peace now.

Ok, I'm confused about a couple of things. Who did mom leave the house to? If it was to the three of you, then they would have to take you to court and force the sale of the house to make you move out. Also, her "estate" can require brother to pay back the debt he owes, which would be taken from his share of the inheritance. Regarding the credit card, I don't believe you are responsible for it as just an "authorized user". You would have to be the owner of the card.

I think that people like your siblings feel that since you are not paying rent you are therefore hanging out in front of the tv, eating Hostess cupcakes. They are sadly mistaken. Your siblings do not realize that your presence alone is prevents a lot of problems. you do much more than they think. I like the idea of a mediator. Maybe starting documenting what "your day" is like. That might come in handy.

Since the evil sibs have found out I retained my own counsel, I have been very publicly defamed on facebook, threatened, etc. It jus NEVER ends.

I've cut my hours at work to the bear minimum so I can get the house ready for sale then we are leaving. They can deal with it as far as I am concerned.

Just cannot wait to get out of here, put all this behind me and start fresh. Heal from losing my mom, take better care of myself, etc. It's been a long time coming, that is for sure.

As far as I am concerned, they can rot and I have no desire to ever see or hear from either of them again. We weren't close to begin with, only when they wanted something so it is no loss for me, honestly.

I have all I need in MY family. Knowing I can trust them 100% and putting over 1,000 miles between us and the BS is exciting and makes me happy. :)

No not that sort of thing that would go to Goodwill, just anything signifcant like a house or valuables, what's left in a bank account. I guess I either thought you were being figurative, and I was just saying in general....but if she really has nothing then what on earth are the brothers even going after?

Vstefans. Her clothes go to probate..?

Equinox, if there is no will and no executor, anything she has goes through probate court and state laws apply. Life insurance beneficiaries get whatever the policy directives say they get also. All DPOAs end at death.

My mom doesn't have an estate set up. She has really only the clothes she is wearing. The Dpoa that I have is durable power of attorney. Includes health care surrogate, financial, medical. I was informed that the dpoa is void when she passes. What can my brothers contest after she passes if this is all she has?

Equinox, if she is in the NH and her social security is paying for it, then what is it they think she has?

Usually the NH and SS have low limits when it comes to how much in assets you can have.

If you're the executor of her estate, if she has one, then you will be able to consults and be guided through it by the estate atty. I'm not the exec but was her caretaker and HC POA.

Bc of the actions and attitude my siblings have taken with me, I had to get my own atty to protect and advocate for me and my family.

Gotta say I feel much, much better after our meeting with the atty.

He used the words bullied and screwed to describe the situation. A lot of what my sister has been telling me are lies regarding the laws, etc.

I felt so good, I went ahead and retained him. Someone I trust very much recommended I call him a month or so ago. Glad I finally did.

Sounds like you are more the winner than your bro and sister. They will have to answer to there sin.
I am a dpoa to my mom. My brothers were living in thesamestatewith my mom. Then when she moved to the state that I live in they were still asking for money. The past 5 Years my youngest bro decided he didn't want to be in contact with his mother. My mom wiped outheraccountto provide him money. And this was how he decides to show his consideration.
How do I protect my self atthetimeofher passing? My mom resides atthe NH and is currentlywithhospicecare. Her soc goes to the room and board. If the bros show up they are only looking for money. I don't trust them nor do I feel like I need to pay there way if they choose to come see her. And of course they have no fiumda to travel but have the full to ask for assistance. I understand this isn't answering a question but it is on topic. Thank you for your suggestions!

ILM, Lovelynn updated yesterday. Going okay now? Er, not really…

Lovelynn, I'm so sorry this turned into such a sh*t storm. You are gritting your teeth bravely, and I hope that at the very least you'll get good advice from your attorney about setting right the more egregious abuses. And I'm sorry for your loss. You're slightly making my heart sink because my siblings and I are about to embark on the, um, aftercare phase, if I can put it like that; and on past form we don't deal so well with minefields of conflict. But at least no one that I know of is actually out to profiteer! It turns the stomach. Hugs to you, best of luck, and please keep updating. Even if some people, hem-hem, don't seem to notice???

This POST IS FROM JULY 2014.... I hope things are going okay for you and you and your siblings have found a solution by now....

Thanks. I appreciate it. I really was blinded by the holidays, caring for my mom, her last hospitalization and her passing. But I'm not now. That is our plan, to just pack up, take what we want, and leave town.

I won't get stuck with anything...I'm not the executor. The fraudster brother is. He cannot pay that CC bill off but he has made significant improvements to his house. It's just terrible and I'm embarrassed by their actions.

He won't even sign the title of her old van over to my husband, who she left it to bc he's always taken care of it. It's 16 years old and not worth much but God forbid they do one thing she asked.

I really don't need much. I'm taking all the furniture I want. She told me to...some of it is mid century that I really love and I'm grateful for that.

But, what I'm most grateful for is being there with her and for her those last few days. It was both one of the most beautiful and one of the saddest times in my life. But, we had the BEST talk, just me and her, the night before she passed. It was a long one and filled with nothing but love and appreciation and what she wanted for me and my husband and daughter.

That's priceless to me and something they didn't get, will never have and it serves them both right. The one left to go out of town, the other left and went home and to "work" so he said. They missed the worst of it, my brother wasn't even there when she passed. He was "tired"...so was everyone else, especially his mom.

She loved me and taught me to be a good person, to have compassion for others and that a strong will is one of the best qualities you can have, among other things. I'm so grateful to have had such a great mom. She also wanted nothing more than for us to get along and take care of each other but I guess we're now left out of the equation, and that's ok. It not, actually, but it'll have to be for now.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and for everything you have been through. However, personally, I would take the money you plan to spend on a lawyer and rent a house or apartment and pack quickly and get the heck out of Dodge. Pack anything you want from the house, that you feel entitled to because that will be the end of it. Leave the house as it, and leave it to your brother to deal with. Cut those ties. You have lived rent free, even though you were also providing care. You apparently work and have an adult daughter who can probably live on her own if need be. Anyway, you are not going to win this argument. You've had time to prepare for this eventuality so, use your anger to help you have the energy to pack and move. You can unplug the garage door opener. You can change the code. You can change the locks until you move out. Then just let them have it and stew in their own juices.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. That is just what I would do, and what I advise you to do. You can not reason with deranged people. As far as the credit card goes, send in the death certificate, have your name removed from the account and ask them to send a letter to the Credit Bureaus stating that you have done that. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. But you don't get what you don't ask for.

Time to close out this chapter of your life and turn the page to a new, fresh chapter.

What I really want to say is...Kick yourself once in the butt, hard, then lawyer up for God's sakes, before you get nailed with the entire mortgage, bills, and everything and anything else, and a credit score of 402 to help you deal with it.

Lovelyn. OMG. No. You let them walk all over you, and you are still letting them. SEND the death certificate to the credit card company, because if you are an authorized user then it could also be considered your responsibility, and you could get nailed for not doing it as well as your brother. You brother is not going to remove himself as executor- who are you kidding?!!! The estate attorney is not going to call you back, your brother is executor and he or she answers primarily if not exclusively to your brother, who can probably forbid him or her to even talk to you. I am sorry for the loss of your mom, and I beg you to think whether if she knew half of what was going on, she would still want you to refrain from legal action, even the bare minimum you need to do to protect yourself. And whether these siblings of yours with the overblown sense of entitlement are ultimately going anywhere good if simply permitted to continue. ALL THAT IS NEEDED FOR EVIL TO TRIUMPH IS FOR GOOD PEOPLE TO DO NOTHING! Complaining to us about how bad your siblings are on here is way too close to doing nothing, though you do have our sympathy and our agreement that they are exhibiting absolutely awful behavior, FWIW...but that and a couple bucks will get you a good cup of coffee.

I logged in to update this thread, there were so many great responses I just wish I had done more before it was too late. This is going to be long, but a lot has occurred. I'm not one to air my dirty laundry and if anyone in the immediate family read this, they would know it was me but, honestly, IDC. It's the truth and if I can help someone else in this situation or encourage someone else to protect themselves BEFORE some thing major happens, then that's all that matters to me.

My dear mom passed away earlier this year. And, like many predicted, the claws (quickly) came out and the level of greed is disgusting. I'm a bit shocked, actually, that they're both so obvious about it and it hurts me to my core because I feel like my mom wasn't really that important to them. My parents didn't raise us this way and I have no doubt that my dear mom thought all would be ok after she passed because things had gotten a bit better after my posts. I guess I just didn't want to rock the boat and have my mom upset by seeing an atty or making changes. What a mistake that was.

So, I never got anything in writing or notarized (didn't stop my sister showing up with a typed out list of things that our mom signed, stating what she allegedly wanted them to have. Anything of value or significant sentiment (jewelry, etc) went to them, but the only thing to me was a piece of jewelry (that I bought).

My sister slid that diamond on her finger and stood in the kitchen admiring it with her cronies saying "I've always loved this ring". That was the night after she passed and I stood there and saw the next few months coming a mile away.

I also received, the day after she passed, a text from my brother to a website regarding tips to "sell your home fast". However, Mom made them swear to her, on her death bed (the limited time either were there) not to bug us at all about the house for 90 days. We didn't even get one day.

After her death, I learned that she bailed my brother out in 2009 so he wouldn't lose his home. Like, really bailed him out by refinancing her house and then making him an authorized user on one of her credit card accts and getting him a card in his name! Bail out.

Their "deal" was he would pay back the money owed from his portion of her life insurance policy...He continues to this day to use the acct and threatened me when I told him I was going to send in the death certificate. He just got plenty of $ from the insurance, but he is still using the card and refuses to close it out. That's fraud and in many states, identity theft. He apparently had a major tantrum when I said I would contact the CC company...like the man child he is.

The kicker? That credit card is showing up as my debt on my credit report bc I'm also listed as an authorized user...The balance is about $17k with a limit of 20k...her credit, not his. I also found it very strange that last month a statement from a newly opened acct (different acct #) from the same CC came in the mail with her name and a limit of $3k, no balance though and no card.

My sister and I were getting along but she's a vile and manipulative person. She has been playing both sides but I guess she's chosen his because she's blown through her insurance money. She's unstable, even lost her longtime job after a tantrum in her office shortly after my mom passed.

Moving on, when I found out about the CC and that there was nothing I could do to remove me or it from my credit report (remember, we're going to need to buy a house) I sent her a text, venting and very upset due to the fact that my bro was still using that acct and threatens me when I asked for it to be closed. She changed her side (again) after egging me on and sent him a screen shot of a text I sent her. Her explanation was that he "asked her to tell him whenever I said something mean or nasty about him!" These are 40 & 50 something adults I'm talking about.

What adult man does that? What adult woman complies? I just have to lol...

So, after about a month of peace & quiet and (thank Jesus for call block) no tantrums or threats, they started up again this week. I got a ridiculous email from my sister stating what she THINKS is going to happen, and how things are going to be, and the date they will all be here to go throughout the house to pick out what they want (I work that day, for 12 hours) with NO compromise.

Now he is scheduling people for painting estimates, etc. with little to no warning to us. There is no respect, no nothing for me or my husband. They can't just let us grieve and pack no leave... They seem to have to dig that knife deeper and deeper, to really make me hurt. Is it guilt? Who does this after their mo dies?

So yeah, it did get a LOT worse. My mom would be so ashamed. I'm not claiming I am innocent 100% but these people are off the chain with their greed and manipulation. The things my brother has said about me are horrible. I'm guessing it is the anger they probably (subconsciously) feel for themselves but bc they're both narcissists, it is directed at us.

I'm not the type of gal who can tolerate psychopaths or BS, so I'm not. I'm not dealing or giving into with the demands and them not doing what my mom wanted. For example, she wanted to leave my husband $10k from the sale of the house because he honestly gave up the most, money and job wise, to care for her. My sibs now have it as a measly $1,000...the rationale being that I would "share" my insurance payout with him, but it's just more money in their pockets. There's been no thank you, way to stay right there by mom those horrible last three days while we went out of town (her) and claimed going to work (him). She did make it there five mins before she passed, so that's good I guess.

Long story short: We have an appointment in the morning with an atty. I just want a cease and desist of all the BS and demands. Oh, and for them to all to stop from walking right in here with no knock. They have keys and the garage code. There is and has been ZERO respect.

I do have the money to spend on an atty but I don't WANT to. However the CC fraud and the fact my brother just had another breach of contract lawsuit filed against him in March 2015 makes me think he should remove himself as executor.

I also have a call out to the estate attorney handling things to inform him of their behavior and that I am not being informed of the meetings and to find out if that CC has been closed paid off yet. He hasn't called back. We were 1200 miles away when the last meeting took place...they both knew when we'd be out of town and I now feel that they're both complicit in scheduling these meetings and their household grab for when we are not available.

I'm not paying any of the bills anymore. I refuse. I will pay the power bill, but I'm not paying a cent on the mortgage, or anything else. It is petty, I know, but that's ALL the power I have.

Whew.

Take it from a person who received eviction papers from my "family members".
Take action now!! Find out what Mom wants and if it is not giving you the house get an elder care lawyer for her (esp. if the house is in her name) and get another place for you and your family. Where I am a decent nursing home is $3,000.00/week So, if your brother and sister don't get it.... Do not waste time!! Secure you and your family then help Mom

I am so sorry to hear your siblings are being so ratty to you. I have similar experience with my sib's. Everyone here tells me I should get the the POA since I am also my parents' caregiver (I live 5 mins away so my parents truly rely on me for.....everything).
Unfortunately things, for whatever reason, get complicated. And you may end up on the short end of the stick.
Please know that in the Hereafter, there is One who KNOWS all the sacrifices you have made, and you will find Eternal Reward. This same One, will also query your siblings on their actions & attitudes. Not just towards their Parents, but towards YOU.

You might want to talk to a lawyer about a "Caregiver Contract" . This was a recommendation I got in regards to my Mom whom I take care of. I'm in a very similar situation as you. I called a couple of lawyers and they both said their price was $2,500 for the Contract so it's not cheap but that's probably what I'm going to do. That seems to be the going rate near Atlanta, GA. Wishing you the best along with some rest and a good night's sleep!

The home care agency where your sister works isn't the only agency in the world. Go through another agency. I'm not sure your sister even knows what your mother is/was eligible for as a home health care worker & not one of the office staff that does insurance verifications/authorizations.

If your brother is POA, why is your sister paying your mother's bills? Your brother should be paying the bills, not her.

It might be worthwhile to have a group meeting with your mother & your brother & sister to get all of this stuff out on the table. Your mother's desires about what she wants done with the estate can be addressed, & her wishes about not having your brother evict you from the house should be discussed as well. Take notes, & even record the entire meeting so nobody's words get twisted or misinterpreted. Then, go to the lawyer that did your mom's will & ask to have all the stuff your mother wants memorialized in writing. She may have to have another will drawn up. Although you say you don't want to read the will, you should---you really should know what's in there as far as you & your siblings after her death. The attorney can also draw up a life tenancy for you---even though you are planning on moving lock, stock & barrel out west, you don't want to have to deal with your brother trying to evict you after she passes, as you suspect he will do. If the house is left equally to all 3 children, then all 3 have to consent to sell the house. If you do not want to sell the house, then your brother can buy your 1/3 of the house.

As far as living in her house "rent free", I would suggest keeping a spreadsheet of all expenses you pay, as well as all of the time spent caring for her & transporting her to dialysis, doctor's appointments, etc., at the accepted local rate for non-medical home care personnel. Submit the spreadsheet along with copies of receipts (don't give him the originals---ALWAYS keep the originals) on a monthly basis. This may open his eyes to your "rent free" deal with your mother. Trust me---and I know this first hand---when you live with an elderly parent, there is NOTHING "rent free" about it. There is no price on the loss of privacy, 24/7 stress & aggravation, personal time lost to taking care of your mother, transporting them to doctor's offices & sitting with them for hours, & all of the daily frustrations. Sure, receipts show tangible items & costs. Unless your brother & sister would agree to moving in with your mother & dealing with the daily issues that you deal with, they have no idea what you're going through. I live with my 85 year old mother, & I posted my experiences in a very long post, so I am well aware of the "rent free" accusations. My brother is always very concerned about whether or not I pay rent to my mother, how much I contribute towards utilities & expenses, & he bullies my mother to tell him. He scares her, & so she tells him the truth instead of telling him that it is none of his G.D. business. My mother can't confront anyone or anything---her way of dealing with things is to let other people fight it out after she's gone.

I know exactly what you're going through.

At any rate, all 3 children & your mother must be on the same page with this. You should all know what's in the will.

We spoke with family members about our arrangements prior to purchasing a home with MIL. Everyone was in agreement. Then 'everyone says that two women cannot live in the same house' became MIL's themesong. Things went downhill. My suggestions based on our experience is: Get your own attorney & make sure they are familiar with your type of needs. Get a method of surveillance. We talked about it , but did nothing. We should have. We needed protection from MIL. Sounds overly dramatic, but unfortunately it is not. You have received some wonderful suggestions from others here. I hope your situation is improved by what others have shared with you.

This is interesting because I am in a similar situation. 5+ years ago, I quit my very well paying job in NYC to help my 80 year old mother recover from 2 major back-to-back surgeries that she needed help at home for afterward. I live with her & don't pay any rent, but I do everything around the house, do the grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, yard work, etc. She has severe spinal stenosis, a non-functional left arm that got that way by joint replacement surgery after shattering her shoulder joint by falling on the ice in the driveway (which is what one of the surgeries was for---a total shoulder replacement), partial incontinence after a large colon resection for colon cancer (which was the 2nd surgery after the shoulder replacement), and severe hearing loss which she refuses to get hearing aids to help improve. Suffice to say, she is not an easy person to live with or get along with----she is like a defiant 10 year old child, very controlling, constantly depressed, has no interests or hobbies, is very nosy & a busybody. I have no privacy.

Anyway.......the house & the majority of her money are being left to me. I am POA & her health care proxy. My brother used to be those things, but she changed that when I moved in with her because it seemed to make more sense since I am here & know everything about her health & finances. I have another brother as well & he lives 2,000 miles away.

There have been a few times in the past several years that I have asked for help from my brother who used to be POA, & while he didn't come right out & say that I was on my own since I was inheriting the house, he offered no help. My other brother lives about 2,000 miles away & he makes a ton of money so he could care less about who is getting the house & her money when she dies. He has never offered to help, or to pitch in to pay for help, but at least he doesn't say anything about who is getting what when she dies.

My brother who used to be POA found out that he wasn't POA anymore when she went from the hospital to a rehab center after she had the shoulder replacement---she didn't tell him, which was wrong on her part. He found out when she was admitted, which pissed him off big time. He is 11 years older than me, by the way. (The way she deals with things is to let other people bear the repercussions of her avoidance of the situation because she doesn't want to deal with things directly.)

My brother has OCCASIONALLY done things for her, but has in no way been here for her like I have been. She decided to leave the house to me---I did not, in any way, suggest to her that she do this or ask her to do this, it was 100% her own decision--and when my brother found out, he was LIVID. He said that I didn't deserve the house because he didn't get his house for free & I shouldn't get her house for free, that the house should be left 3 ways to all the kids & if I want the house I should take out a mortgage & buy them out. (Wait until he finds out that she left 90% of her money to me too.......he'll probably never speak to me again.)

He has no idea what I deal with on a daily basis. If we were to switch roles, & he took my role living with her 24/7, he would last for a day----he would not be able to tolerate it. If he knew what I deal with daily, if he put himself in my shoes for a while, he would see that getting the house doesn't come close to compensating me for what I go through daily!!!

It is very sad that children & siblings become so concerned about their parents' assets before they're even gone. I tend to think that my brother already had figured his inheritance into his retirement plan & funding---1/3 of the house (which could also have been 1/2 because I don't think my other brother really cares), and some of her money. It would have been at least $150,000 for him, at the very least.

I do work full time, but I quit my job to take care of her several years ago & it took me a very long time to find a job again. I was her 24/7 caretaker for about 10 months. If she had to pay out of pocket for 24/7 care back then, even for a non-medical attendant, it would have been over $6,000 per month. So, that comes to over $60,000 for what I did for those 10 months. My mother is fully aware of how much I did & what it was worth.

I'm not sure if my brother is more angry that he lost his job as POA & health care proxy, and therefore all control over her assets or that he won't get 1/3 of her assets. He isn't the kind that would take her assets before she is gone, but he is the kind that would have demanded that I buy his share of the house if I wanted to stay----he wouldn't let me stay there for nothing. I think my mother knew that, too, which is a reason why she changed her will.

The way you spoke, it sounds like your mother has a will. Have you seen the will & do you know what's in there? I think that before you lawyer up, it would be wise to speak directly with your mother first. Express your concerns, bring up the facts about how much it would cost if she had to pay for 24/7 care, & that you are worried that when she dies your brother will throw you out of the house. She may not know that you are worried about that.

The other thing is that you could tell your brother that it is clear that he & your sister are very bothered by the fact that you live there rent-free, despite the fact that you are the 24/7 caregiver for your mother, that you're moving out & he can worry about paying for round-the-clock care for her to the tune of $1,500/week, or he can put her in a nursing home which will snatch that house & all of her other assets so fast his head will spin around like Linda Blair & none of the kids will get anything from the estate. Unless you're there to cart her to dialysis 3X a week, she'll have to go to a skilled nursing facility because of the kidney issues. If she goes into a facility, your FMLA will end, too.

You don't have to solve this situation with your brother---in fact, I'd advise not to. Start with your mother----she may be more receptive than you think. You don't have to lawyer up right from the start. You're not asking that she leave you the house & your siblings nothing----you just don't want to be thrown out of the house once she's gone before you have a chance to get your own home. Your mother can institute a life tenancy for you to live in the home until it is sold---which will require all 3 siblings to consent to if it is left 3 ways.

Unfortunately, when you're dealing with greedy siblings, when you ask for help they throw the "free living" thing back in your face because they have no idea the amount of work you actually do. All they can see is that they are paying rent or a mortgage & you're not----they don't think that you provide transportation to dialysis, pay for food, utilities, living expenses, clean the house, etc. Perhaps if you itemized all the work you do, tally the mileage to & from dialysis, keep receipts for all the stuff you buy & bills for utilities that you pay, add all that stuff up on a monthly basis & give it to your brother so he can see that your "rent free" deal isn't really free, it might change his mind. However, if he's anything like mine, it won't matter---all they can see is that they won't be cashing in when mom passes away, & that's all that really matter. They don't care that you are doing everything & paying for a lot of stuff with money & with your time. Unfortunately, that probably won't ever change.

You want to inherit the house if possible. If mom gives her the house she will have to pay taxes on the gift and capital gains. It is better for her to inherit the house. The she also gets the stepped up cost basis of the value of the house.

First of all I have not read all the posts. However, I have been handling my father's finances since December, 2013. One thing I do is every month after I pay dad's bills from his social security check I send a balance sheet to both my dad & my brother. The balance sheet shows all the expenses for the month. I also keep a second balance sheet of all the money I pay on dad's behalf (e.g., car repairs).

So far (knock on wood) there has not been any trouble from my brother. However, I am sure if dad had any money my brother would be there with his hand out.