Anyone question why we have to suffer?

Hi Maryann, better to vent than to keep it inside : ) But please know that God is not doing this to you. He suffers with you. What happens in our lives is because an enemy is present and at work. There's an answer, but is too long for here. Suffice it to say that God can and will use every situation for our good in the long run, even though it doesn't seem like it right now. And while He has never promised a stress-free life, He does always promise to be close to us and never leave us. He walks beside us every step. And . . . you can be honest with Him and tell Him how you're feeling -- He doesn't mind!

To allow you to be the best person you can be. It's an opportunity not a burden.

Maryann, my heart goes out to you and think many of us have struggled with the same questions. I don't know how it can be said that it is not a burden as stated above; of course it is. When we watch our loved ones suffer and deteriorate before our eyes and we carry the "burden" of caretaking; it does take its toll. Being Catholic I was taught "our cross to bear" and I do believe this. However, that does not make it any easier. I believe Our Lord wants to ease the burden. And that can be in the form of long term care in a facility.

I understand with all my heart how difficult these decisions can be; and God wants us to take care of ourselves as well and our husbands, children, etc. We cannot be the best person we can be when we are exhausted and at the end of our rope. But, finding care in a facility can actually allow you to provide quality care for your Mom and you can oversee her care.

You are a wonderful, caring and amazing daughter and wife. Your husband is chronically ill and taking care of him is important to you. If you decide your mother requires long term care that you are no longer able to provide; then that is the right choice. Unfortunately, there are no "happy" or "content" scenarios when it comes to caretaking. But, there are options.

Hugs and hugs to you; and just pray for guidance and you will receive it; let go of any guilt, it is a useless word. We consulted a priest with respect to our caregiving and his response was "it is your cross to bear", but also said he would help us get our loved one into the facility he was affiliated with and said sometimes you just have to take that route. Blessings to you and take care.

I wonder this same thing all of the time. Where's the justice in it? Why do some truly evil people run around healthy and seemingly happy with great lives and lots of money while good people suffer? My brother broke his neck in a car accident 32 years ago when he was 27. He can only partially move one arm, not the hand. He's suffered so much for so many years. His life could have been so full instead of the paralyzed hell that its been. Amazing man. Positive, funny, handsome, smart. An inspiration to anyone who meets him. Never has had a mean bone in his body. Smiles through the pain, and he's deteriorating and in horrible pain. His wife left him after he broke his neck. Never had children. How has this life been an opportunity to him? Its been pure hell. Someone told me to read When Bad Things Happen to Good People. Haven't yet.

Maryann, I am right there with you. I am really struggling with God and why He is doing this to my father who has been one of the best men and Christian men I have ever known. What he has suffered the last four or five years is devastating and demeaning. He cannot walk, he cannot dress himself, he cannot clean himself after going to the toilet. This is a man who has gone to church, tithed, been a member of Gideons, brought Bibles to prisons, schools, etc., taught Sunday School, and I am so angry with God for turning this strong, good man into this sad, pathetic creature. I don't know why he has to suffer like he has. It seems very unfair to him.

And my mother is not in good shape either. She is really hard to deal with. I have never been particularly close to them -- I just live close to them. So I am the one who takes care of everyone since I am the one without a job. I have cared for my own kids, my nieces, my parents. I have been totally selfless for the last 25 years of my life to a great detriment to myself. I don't understand what I have done to deserve to be put into the position of having to be the one who is not allowed to have any life except to give it to service of others. When will it end? I feel like as a person, I mean nothing except for what I do for others. Like I am not at all important -- everyone else is and I am just supposed to facilitate others getting what they want while I have nothing.

I don't know why God is allowing this to happen to my father or to me. I have long since given up on Him. He brings me no peace, He brings me no comfort, He provides no support, He gives me no answers. I feel like I don't mean anything to Him just like everyone else. I have prayed and pleaded and begged to no avail. I have prayed for guidance like 3pinkroses said and have gotten none.

I don't know why He is allowing this, but I too am angry -- most of the time. I know it is not good to feel like that, but I don't know how to feel otherwise when nothing ever changes and every step I think I am taking to lighten my burden does no good and the burden only gets heavier.

There comes a time when they need to be placed-the caregiver usually knows this first-with me My counsulor said I had to resue myself and not expect others to do it-I decided I could no longer take care of him and said that at a family meeting and all the staff and everyone except him said of course you can't-a lot had to do with his attitude and behaivor towards me and when he said he would be placed -he was in rehab for the 16th time within 6 or 7 years-I told him it was no longer his choice-he chose to treat me badly and I was not taking it anymore- for those who working so hard and not going anywhere think about how you can rescue yourself and consider placement-you will still have a role in their care but will not be down troddend.

Dwtp - I am sooo sorry - you are such a wonderful, caring and selfless person; my heart goes out to you and Judy. I do undertand how you feel. I guess I always have to hang in for at least God to be there for me; even though at so many times I feel helpless and alone. The reasons and answers to all this is such an enigma. Why our parents suffer, why we suffer, and yes I agree with Judy, it is difficult to watch others go on with their lives without this burden and it is a burden. Guess it is easy to say pray for guidance - as I did. Guess it is the only thing I could ever hang onto. I suffer with chronic debilitating pain just about every day and to be honest I am still waiting for those prayers of healing to be answered. It made caretaking almost unbearable when my honory MIL lived with us and I was her caretaker. And even now, when my mother is in a nursing home with virtually no "pain" being waited on hand and foot - does have mental problems and dementia, but "who doesn't". She will see me and tell me how tired I look and when I tell her I have chronic pain and the two hours drive to visit her is becoming excruciating at times, she says "can we go shopping".
Really????? So, yes it is a huge burden even in the nursing home, for me anyway; as I deal with chronic pain which has worsened (don't know if that is proper English, lol). by dealing with narcissistic mother living 2 hours away.

Who knows why it goes on for some of us; but I have to keep my faith or I feel I have nothing. Guess I had to respond to the post that said all this makes you the best person you can be and it is not a burden, but an opportunity. Well, at times all this has brought out the worst in me and a huge burden at times, when like everyone else, we have enough to deal with and I had always been a very caring and loving person, but dealing with the elderly care is huge; and the only comfort I get is knowing God knows my plight and I am trying my very best. I still pray for guidance - sometimes it is a long time coming. Take care and my prayer is for all of us to find some peace and happiness in the long run.

For me, the answer is to look back over my life and then I am able to see the times that God has actually been there for me and has pulled me through my crisis. At the time it was not easy for me to see but looking back on it, it becomes very clear.

My father suffered terribly and died from lung cancer at age 71. There were times during his illness that all I could do was fall on my knees and ask God to take him. He lingered and suffered for three years. When he passed I could not cry as I was glad to see he was a peace and no longer in pain. I believe God had a better plan for him.

Currently, my husband's sister is in a home at 54 years old. She has multiple sclerosis and cannot scratch her nose, completely invalid. I have no answers other that sometimes I think this is actually hell - then God takes us to heaven! I have to believe that there is something better after this life. If I didn't believe that there would be no reason to hang on. I am not a religious person but I'm trying to be a spiritual person. Not so sure I'm very good at it. However, I do believe in a power greater than myself. I do believe there is a reason and a season. Life is no an easy road and growing older is not for sissies. I think one's attitude can influence the degree of suffering. Suffering is part of life. Too, we cannot look to others and compare ourselves to them and how easy their life my seem to us. We will always fail when we take that road. Everyone else always seems happier than we are!!!! Whenever I've compared myself to others and always I've been the loser!

Perhaps God allows us to suffer so that we can turn our stubborn self will over and allow him to guide our paths. I just don't know the answer. I do know that there is much suffering in this life, not only with illness, aging parents, spouses, etc. but their are other problems that many have suffered with finances, children, divorce, addictions, etc. Suffering seems to be the common denominator of the human race. Therefore, it must serve some purpose.

Finally, all I can add is simply try counting your blessings. Make a gratitude list of things you are thankful for. It may be just one thing but focusing on that one thing will allow it to grow into more. Everyone always has something to be grateful for. For me, it is my little dog. She is the hightlight of my day. I can't imagine life without her. She is truly a gift!

Also, admitting our powerlessness is very comforting. In any 12-step program the first step is to admit that we are powerless in a particular situation, whether it be illness, addiction, etc. Our lives have become unmanageable. Then we come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us. Sometimes we hang in there by the skin of our teeth but we ask for his will not ours be done! Then we turn our lives over and let him be in charge! It may not be what we want - but it will be better than we have now! We just have to let him run the ship his way.

Finally, whatever we are going through will not last forever. "This too shall pass." Every crises in one's life passes. The end result will perhaps not be what we want, but will be what we must accept!

I'm a member of this group as my mom (90) fell and broke her leg and hip. I visit her daily trying to bring some form of enjoyment to her but my company and my efforts go unnoticed. She is all I have as far as family. I hate to give her up as for many years we were very close. Not so much as she aged! I find myself looking back to the years when we had so much enjoyment and it's so sad. I thank God that I had her for all those years when I needed her. She's done the best that she could do and I'll always love her regardless.

I hope this post has helped someone.

Golf I am glad you have good past memories to look back on -many of us did not ever have good memories of one or both parents. God answers prayers in his own time which is different then waat we would like-he never promised us a wonderlife but he would see us through whatever we are going through and for a lot of us are rewards will be in heaven and we will be judged as those who are mean to us will be also.

I do gave good memories of my parents, I am lucky to have had them healthy until this past year, more sad for my husband, he is only 53, wish he could catch a break!!

Maryann! Perhaps your husband will catch a break! However bleak the moment, nothing is impossible! Belive in a miracle for what we belive we receive! Hope the best for him and try to remain positive! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as I'm sure everyone posting will as well!

Thank you golfgirl!!!

i am christian. I don't know if i am Catholic or something else anymore. I don't think God has anything to do with illnesses frankly and prayers...I don't know

Hmm, I wrote a post here, but my post didn't get posted. Basically what I said was that it's always good to be honest with God -- He knows our heart anyway. But He does not make the bad things happen. They happen because we have an enemy who hates us. God cries with us, and promises to walk with us through all the hard stuff in life. Not only that, but He promises that it will turn out for good, even though we may have to wait until heaven to find out what good it did us. I've asked these hard questions, and still do sometimes. But mostly now, I'm coming into the realization that God can be trusted even though circumstances seem to say differently. Without God, we have nothing. With Him, we can make it through, both in this life, and into the next.

Well, I'm going to put the two cents in, for what it is worth. I think we live on a planet that is not controlled by God. It's controlled by nature. To all things there is a season. Maybe that is biblical, but it was probably something else before it got into the book. I do think that God is in our lives and whatever form of God you use is fine with me.

I worked for 22 plus years with children who were terminally ill. I remember one family who's little girl was dying. It was Father's day and extended family came to their home for a BBQ. When the grandparents arrived, their little 4 year old boy ran into the street to greet them and was it by a car and died at the scene. Did I ask myself what God was doing at that moment? You bet I did. I was heart sick for that family. And over the years, I saw similar things happen. Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, it did.

I think you see God, when you see the kindness of others. When there is a natural disaster and people go to help. When you see soup kitchens. There are so many people in this world who try to make it better for others. To me, that is God in action.

I don't think God does things to punish us. He didn't make Katrina happen because he wanted to get even with anyone. He didn't invent AIDS to wreak havoc and misery on a certain population. That's complete BS and those who profess to know God and promote him in this manner are, in my humble opinion, just plain sick.

I think we live in a world that is controlled by nature. We are born, we grow old and die. We suffer from any number of things; poverty, ignorance, cruelty, war, plagues. We may want ourselves and those we love to be spared from suffering, but truly, how is that possible in the randomness of events?

I am grateful that,as a woman, I was born in the US. I could have been born to a destitute family in a foreign land and sold, been one of millions murdered, died of starvation, etc. etc. etc. Why I ended up being born here into a middle class family, even though it wasn't always a kind and loving family, I don't know, but when I look at the world I know I am blessed. So blessed.

I have always felt that most of us in the United States live, even with our difficulties, better than 90 percent of the global population. We didn't earn it, we were just lucky to be born here and not in a poor 3rd world country.

My heart goes out to everyone on this tread. I haven't had to care for people for 25 years, I don't have chronic pain, today my husband is not ill (and by the way I do worry that something will happen to one of us while we are still in the care giving roll), I have a roof over my head and I am able to love.

I want to also mention that we do have the ability to advocate for ourselves. We can say no, take the help that is offered by facilities to help with the care of our parents We can rescue ourselves, even if such action falls outside of our comfort zone. Sometimes it's not God that keeps us stuck in a bad situation, it's us.

I've had my share of heartbreak. It may be different than yours and it may be less than yours. I am very tired of being a care giver and I hope the end comes soon, but I know that I am responsible for taking this task on. No one forced it on me.

When I take a walk, I look at the trees, the pond on our property that has two families with goslings. I hear the birds chirping. I breath in the smell of new mowed grass and welcome the sun on my face. And I thank God for that moment that reminds me I am a part of all that has been created. I am a part of this wonderful beautiful moment, all of which comes from the same source. And I am so grateful that my little view is one of beauty at that moment and not one of suffering that so many see elsewhere. I am grateful for that moment because it takes me to God and away from my sadness and stress.

I don't have the answers, but I can at least share what I am grateful for. Please take steps to make changes that are necessary for your life so it can be as happy as possible. Tragedy is part of nature and chance. It's not personal. Try to hang on to that and make any changes you can to enjoy the live you have been given. It's never too late to be grateful for what you have and it's never to late to look at the choices you make to undermine your own happiness.

As for tragedies, I'm sorry for all who suffer them. A brother who is paralyzed due to an accident, a child who is born with birth defects, a parent who suffers, a spouse who is stricken at a young age. It's never fair. Never.

Love to all of you, Cattails.

By the way, I don't buy into that saying that God never gives you more than you can handle. Some people can't handle it and take their own lives. Again, it isn't fair, but I don't hold that against God. It's the world we live in. Hugs.

Suzmarie, you're entitled to your personal beliefs. If you believe in a power greater than yourself, you're in the game!. Speaking for myself, I've never seen God and I don't know if he has anything to do with illnesses. That's where faith comes in. Let's take this website, many people post on this website to get help or to vent one problem or another. I think most people are here hoping someone will answer with something they can relate to or can make them feel better in some way. They hope there is a caring soul somewhere in cyberspace that hear's and feels their pain. I choose to believe that is the way God works. I believe God will help me and show me the way to get through my current crises - but the clincher is I must pray, recognize and be willing to accept his will. I must ask for what I want but be willing to surrender the end result to him. I believe prayer is comforting. It releases our burdens and lowers our blood pressure. It allows us to rest, relax and grow stronger. It brings me peace and serenity into my life!

Ahhh... .Cattails, I couldn't agree with you more. Thanks for that. Sometimes when people start talking religion, I get a little squeamish about saying what I believe, or don't believe. You said it for me, and quite nicely, I might add.

I am so thankful for this site and to talk to all of you who are dealing with the same problems I am and to know that I am not alone. Cattails, I so agree with you, there is a season for everything and I am so blessed to have met all of you!!

Maryann57: You just hang on to all of us. We share your pain and understand it. You are not alone. Cattails.

Suzmarie: I get you. I have been exposed to so many religions. My dad was Baptist, and his upbringing was so very harsh. My mom was Methodist. Then she decided we all needed to become Catholic. My dad said no way, but the rest of us had no choice. I think I've been a member of everything but the "Church of the What's Happening Now."

Suzmarie: I think prayers are a form on energy. I believe they do have power if you address them with your weaknesses and you just let it all go. There is a release in that and I think it is redeeming. You may not get what you want, but you have shared you loss with the universe, a universe billions of people share. There is an energy there. It's heard. I hope you can trust that you are heard and your prayers comfort others. Much love, Cattails.

The "Church of What's Happening Now" too funny Cattails but I hear what you're saying. It's my believe that organized religion is simply a form of control. I'm sure many will disagree with me and that is their right! I am not saying that anyone should do as I do or feel as I feel. We are all individuals and able to make our own decisions. However, I do agree with you about prayer. I no longer believe in a punishing God - One's who is out to get me! I believe in a loving God. Many of us have a hard time with that as we've really never had a good handle on what unconditional love is all about as we did not get that growing up. So, I describe it as the love of a pet! A pet accepts you unconditionally - a pet is non-judgemental, loving and comforting! That is unless your standing in front of a bowl of food!

Seriously I believe that God will help me and will others if we ask. Look at the love on this website! Is it just by chance that we stumbled upon this site. I think there is a great deal of compassion and caring here and we discovered each other for a reason! I don't find a lot of judgement on this website - just ordinary people reaching out to others in their moment of need. That's my description of prayer! We ask God in our moment of need! When we have exhausted ourselves trying to do it on our own, our knees hit the floor and we become willing to ask for his guidance in our individual situation.

Sooo many great pieces of knowledge and advice here! And so many things I have also felt-as so many of us have. If you have time to read-When Bad Things Happen to Good People-it is a good book. Right now I am reading The Purpose Driven Life. Won't solve all your problems but may give you some things to think about!

sweety, Gods giving you strength for something coming up, we either get tested, or we are being prepared for something, but dont get mad at God, tell him to send some strength your way soon! its hard, man let me tell you, im going through surgical menapause right now ( im 44 just hysterectomy and overies removed 1/4/12 because of cancer) and my body and mind are adjusting, but my whole family turned on me, all i asked of dad was to keep my breakdown out of the public arena, but nooooo, mr popular feels he has to cry 'poor poor me' and throw me under the bus telling everyone how horrible i am to everyone and they belive him! i moved here because my brother WAS beating him up, and like most abuse victims, he was quiet, kept his head down, i get rid of brotherr ( prison) dads confindent again so now he tells people that IM abusing him and they are beliving him! hows that for a kick in the teeth? but its not Gods fault, he wont give you more than you can handle, you have to learn to rechannel the anger into something, anything else, anger will fester and turn you dark . your like the rest of us, the people that take abuse from elderly because our shoulders can take it, ( doesnt always feel like we can) but this is the most thankless no-money-paying hard JOB ever!! i choose to belive that we are the stronger ones, were being groomed for something better. if that makes sense. our seat is secure in heaven. think of it like this..if the person is mean, they either cant control/dont know it, or they are straight up mean, in witch God and karma will handle them. ( can you tell im struggling with thi guy here? AHHHH! but its was funny. today he starts on the 'what do you do for me around here' kick, and the phone rang, he couldnt hear the gal so he handed the phone to me. i said ' i dont do anything for you, you just said that right?' so he hangs up the phone all mad, he says 'now did you have to say that?' no more than you did, dad. thats what i do. your so used to me handling everything here its a reflex for you to hand me whatever you dont want to deal with. that is what i do, i smooth the path so you can walk without falling. i monitor things in the background to keep things smooth. i dont make it a point to make myself look good, i do this so you look good. . so stop telling me you give me free rent when the demand for good strong housekeepers is really high right now, the lady next door needs a caregiver.
im sorry, i vented....hold your cool, vent here, dont let yourself think dark thoughts. at least thats my advice i tell myself

First, realize that you should not take the way your mother feels and treats you personally. She would be the way she is whether you were there or not.

And second, don't buy into your mother's reality. Because it is not real. It is only real in her mind. And you give it reality in your mind when you let it bother you.

This advice may be hard to understant at first. But when you become present in your life, you will undersand.

People like Eckhart Tolle and Byron Katie can guide you.

Oct I think you are new here -welcome aboard we may not be normal but that is a setting on the washing machine we vent and laugh and cry and sometimes argue -we are family.

Austin, I think you're trying to tell me something that I'm not understanding ;)

Could you elaborate? Thanks.

Well I am a Christian and a believer in Jesus Christ as our savior. I also believe that God puts us in situations that will make us stronger. God does however give us free will and sometimes our discissions lead to our own suffering which in turn cause suffering for others. Life is not perfect but I do believe that this life is just a preparation for better things to come in heaven. One day he will wipe every tear from our eyes and I for one hope that he has a really big tissue cause I have cried a lot of tears. My Mom died 14 years ago of colon cancer and no one knows more than I do what its like to watch a parent suffer and wonder why. All I know is that Mom is with Jesus now and I will join her some day in a glorious celebration. As for the person who is so greatful for their dog, Do you know what dog spells backwards? GOD, its his way of showing what his unconditional love is all about. I wish you all the best and keep praying to God, he is still listening. Happy Mothers Day to the Moms out there and to my Mom as well.

Thanks everyone, feel better reading everyone's posts. Hope all the mother's have a wonderful mother's day, another thing that didn't work out for me, I have no children!!! But I still have alot to be grateful for, just right now going through a really tough time!! Hugs to everyone!!!

kkinsil, haha, never thought of that, God spelled backward, he gaves us dogs to remind us, thats a cool way to look at dogs! i love mine.she reminds me im not horrible like dad calls me sometimes.im not bad, hes just older..