Reality Check Needed

Thank you to the entire community that responded to my spouse's & my situation. Your replies have been very helpful. I've taken away one pearl or several pearls of wisdom from each one. It's a learning process. It's a good feeling to know this community is here. Again, thanks.

You are in a new situation now and getting on this forum was very smart of you. You are at the beginning of the learning curve - you will make mistakes and you will learn from them. Please do not remind him he asked the same question before - it humiliates him, and he doesn't remember or know he is doing it - he cannot control it. But you can help him with it. Learn how to "redirect" him to break the loop. His mind needs to be more engaged to minimize going to the repeat questions. I have learned a great deal from:

Rachael Wonderlin
https://rachaelwonderlin.com/
https://rachaelwonderlin.com/dementiabyday/

and

Bob DeMarco
https://www.facebook.com/BobDeMarco

on how to understand what is happening and how to work with it. Most of all approach your husband with love, not annoyance. People with dementia know when someone is agitated and then they get more agitated themselves and more problems will arise. If you read Rachael and Bob, You will learn how to create an environment of emotional security for your husband. It will be hard, but you will do it.

I'm not going to get on you about getting a little cross with your husband after having to answer the same question four different times.
You're not wrong or "not being nice". What you are being is human and none of us are perfect. Expect in the future that you're going to get a bit cross or short-tempered when being asked the same question over and over and are repeating the same answer over and over.
There isn't a caregiver on earth who can honestly say that the dementia repeating loop never got to them. Or they never lost a moment of patience. We all do. Every last one of us. Don't guilt yourself or beat yourself up about it. You're not the only one this has happened to.
Sometimes you have to ignore with kindness and just stop answering or discussing something that's been answered or discussed hundreds of times already. This is for your own mental well being. Also, remove yourself from the caregiving situation when it's possible to. Take some time on your own away from your husband to take a break. Go to lunch with friends. Take a class. It doesn't matter just something you like doing.

He can't help it. Reminding him of his memory loss will hurt him but it won't improve him. Be kind and answer him breezily, like it was the first time he asked. Or get ear plugs. I'm sorry you're going through this. Those of us who have witnessed loved ones lose their memory have gone through the same thing.

First, your husband. It must be so sad to see his decline. He did not realize that he had asked the same question. That's just part of who he is right now. He is 'in the moment.' Arguing with him is like arguing with a 3 year old. There is no point in ARGUING. It does NOT do any good. And reminding him of THE PAST is a place where he no longer can go.

Second, you. You are see-sawing between the 'old' husband whom you trusted, settled problems with, even bantered with. It must be so horrible to be in that seat. You have lost the THEN, but both of you are in the NOW. Don't let remarks hurt you. Your husband is losing his sense of decorum.

Third, yes, you were wrong and not being nice. That's understandable and permissable. But it won't get you very far. You are struggling too. So, don't be hard on yourself --or your husband.

Fourth, this is a good time to start planning for future needs/housing for your husband

I was in a grocery store about 20 yrs. ago, and a woman whom I judged to be in her 40's, was with her mom, whom I judged to be in her 70's. The older woman asked if they were going to get eggs, and the daughter said, in an exasperated tone, "Mom, we just bought eggs; now we're buying milk." I could see the discomfort on the mom's face. I thought if my mom was ever in that boat, I wouldn't be so annoyed with her. Well, fast forward about 10 yrs, and my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. We were in a store, and when we walked down the aisle where tuna was sold, she asked me if we needed any. I said we did, but they were out of my brand, so I'd wait until they got it. She understood. We went to the next aisle, and then I realized that we needed something back in the tuna aisle, and she said, "Do we need tuna?" And I heard an all too-familiar annoyed response coming out of my mouth: "Didn't we just have this discussion, that they didn't have the brand that I like." "Let she who is without sin cast the first tuna," into the sea. Just do the best you can. I even wrote a book about Hubby and I taking are of my mom during this time called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." Just do the best you can. Like others have said, humor can go a long way.

Imho, admittedly, I'm a very poor listener. I know it's something that I need to improve on. Recently when my daughter was telling me how my son in law broke his finger, I failed to listen at all. Then later I have to eat crow, which I dislike erring (and it doesn't taste like chicken). Remind yourself that you're only human.

I quite often ask a question and then, to my shame, realise a little later that I wasn't listening to the answer. And these are questions I really need to know the answer to.

I suppose it might have been a little on the brusque side for you to remind him that the particular question had been settled the day before; but it depends so much on the nature of the question and its answer.

Minor irritation or disturbing warning sign? - you know better than we can. If you still feel stung, perhaps resolve to avoid the Dear Henry type of answer whenever you possibly can. Still! - you're only human too!

I don't get the impression that you feel he is doing this purposely to annoy you. Do you? So you may be looking at some memory deficits that will have to be "lived with" as so often happens in a marriage at one time or another. My partner and I are 79 and 80, suffering more deficits of being unable to multitask, poor memory and hearing deficits. I know we get annoyed with one another also. Alas, such is life.

If the questions are regarding when or where something is happening, i.e. a doctor's appointment or family gathering, perhaps it would help to write it on a calendar and tell him and show him it is on the calendar and he will go there to look for the reminder. Or when you tell him something, make sure he is really paying attention to you and have him write it down if necessary. Sometimes my husband and I, who are together all day long, don't listen well to what seem to be offhand remarks, when they are really something that needs remembered. Or we are concentrating on something else, like reading or a TV show, and let things go in one ear and out the other. Not to be argumentative, but people on here sometimes jump right onto the "dementia" train.

Sorry to say that it's going to happen more and more. I have to remind myself that they are impaired and need patience but sometimes it's still irritating.

Bitter Sarcastic Reply Warning: For 15+ years we tried to get my mother to an audiologist. I was tired of repeating myself and constantly invoking her ire because I was unable to find that sweet between "Speak up!" and "Stop yelling!" If she missed something it was my fault because I hadn't spoken clearly. I knew it would worsen her quality of life if left unchecked but she refused every attempt to go. Then we went through a phase where she claimed she knew she needed hearing aids back then but we refused to take her. (Grabbed my keys every time she said that, ready to go, but she refused.) Now, miraculously, her inabilty to hear has been cured by her dementia. Says her hearing is just fine. Now the problem is that I never tell her anything.

I know how you feel (as do so many others) about having to hear the same question or comment over and over ("Boy, it sure does get dark fast, doesn't it?" and "Are you done with work yet?" are the 2 most repeated). Those questions are easy to answer, so it doesn't bug me like it used to.

I also know how it is to ask the same question over and over because I don't remember the answer. I'm not sure if I have the early stages of dementia, or if it's lack of attention or the effects of stress, but sometimes I can remember I asked, I just can't remember the answer. When that happens, I usually preface the the question with "I know I asked, but I don't remember the answer...." and if I find myself repeating the same thing (or think I might be repeating), I try to say "I think I told you, but I'm not sure...." Those two phrases hopefully make it a little less irritating for my dear husband.

As far as being hard of hearing? Oh my, what a can of worms. Mom used to get mad at Dad and not speak to him for hours on end because he yelled at her, and she hung up on my brother once because he kept raising his voice each time she asked the same question because he thought he wasn't talking loud enough. Daddy used to joke that when people came by it was thought they were arguing but they were simply having a conversation.

My husband and I are in the process of learning to first get the other person's UNDIVIDED attention before asking a question, and if possible, make sure we are looking at each other's faces. Of course, if I'm in the kitchen and he's in the living room, that part is impossible. And if I'm in the kitchen and he's in the living room and I say something and he doesn't make some sort of comment, I usually ask "Did you hear me? You know I'm going to ask that because I don't know if you heard me unless you tell me." It hasn't helped that much with him answering me, but at least he knows I'm going to ask him again. A little levity helps a lot sometimes.

Can you imagine how it feels to be as he is? One day you may be lot worse. Is it so very hard for you to answer him again and stop telling him he's already ask you or what ever you say to him. My husband didn't have that problem but I have a little due to over whelping real life loss of my grandson and daughter and now my beloved husband. Seriously why is it get to you to answer a question. Be happy and rejoice that God has him still with you. If you love him. Your question really upsets me as I know a loved one can go within a blinkbof an eye. With out any warnings. My husband did. Be appreciative of him.

Whether this is memory deficits or not aside, it's just as easy to provide simple answers to the questions. There is a good chance that he might be in the very early stages of memory loss, especially if he has hearing loss (studies indicate that hearing loss can contribute, but there are plenty of people with good hearing that develop cognitive issues too!)

The repetition of statements and questions are what clued me in to my mother's dementia. In hindsight, there were a few instances that should have raised a flag, but I knew nothing about dementia at that time. She lived alone, so those instances were rare only because we didn't see each other all the time and the thought would have to pop into her head when I was there or if I called. Those were basically accusations about someone taking something. One was a person painting the room for her and she insisted he must have taken some broken jewelry she set aside to cash in. More than likely she either misplaced or tossed them, or had already cashed them in and forgot. The second time was accusing my OB of taking her tweezers! I just said why would he do that? They are inexpensive and available everywhere! I bought another for her. Later when cleaning out her condo, I found THREE in the bathroom drawer and maybe 5-6 in a plastic container in the dresser drawer!

But, it wasn't until the repetition, multiple times during a chat either in person or on the phone that I realized something was up. Doing some research, I realized it was early dementia. Note: she had TWO conditions that can lead to dementia. High BP (on meds for MANY years) and hearing loss (hearing aids also for many years, but by this time she only wore one.)

As annoying as it can be to have someone repeating themselves, the best method is just to answer the question. If it is early cognitive issues, then for him it's the first time, for you it could be the 100th time! Very often with some types of dementia, that short term memory loss is the first clue. They can't store the information or learn new ways to do things.

It might be a good idea to have a checkup and have the doctor do the simple test (the one most docs use is primarily for a baseline, so they can watch for changes when it's repeated later.) The first time they tried with mom, she was already living in MC for 2 years, so it was a bust. She couldn't even complete it. A month or so later, they gave the same test to me, so it is becoming more common as part of one's yearly checkup. However, these are very basic tests and often do not catch various issues. Being able to repeat words, draw a clock, etc, does not always equate to some of the early deficits, like trying to follow a recipe or manage finances (even if the recipe is one used for years or finances being easy for them before.) When we had to take mom's car away, the cooking issue became apparent, as I would need to take her shopping and could see she wasn't using items, mainly eating boxed stuff and frozen dinners. I had already taken on the finances, as she was making mistakes - not simple ones, so it was clear I needed to step in. To others she would seem fairly normal, esp for her age (over 90 at that point.) Spend enough time with her, it would be clear, but docs only see us for a few minutes, so they can miss the signs. WE have to be diligent and also report the deficits we observe.

As a pretty deaf woman, married to a newly pretty deaf husband, this is a problem compounded by short-term memory problems. We often find ourselves not hearing an answer and then yelling "Why are you yelling at me?" Think of yourself as living in a sitcom. It is irritating, and you will get angry, but last time I checked we are all human. Try and laugh at times. Also, with my deafness, I found myself not asking people to repeat. It is embarrassing, but not having the information is also a problem. You may have noticed life can be complicated, try and chill some of the time.

Since your hubby has hearing loss and memory issues, please have him evaluated by his doctor(s).

Hearing aides can help him hear better and may help this problem since he may actually hear your answers better. Also, every hearing person needs the areas of the brain that deal with hearing to be stimulated in order to continue functioning. Some studies have shown an INCREASE in dementia when hearing loss is profound.

Early dementia - depending on type - can be managed with medications. These medications actually reverse the problems with neurochemicals in the brain. The medications only tend to work in earlier stages of dementia, and unfortunately, tend to stop working as dementia progresses.

I know that your husband's responses hurt your feelings since you see them as untrue. Realize that his thought processes do not work correctly in discerning what is truly going on around him. his response in based on the incorrect view he has of the situation. You have 2 choices: to "correct" his understanding and probably have him (and you) get more upset; or to choose to let "this" go. Maybe an objective response of "thank you for sharing your views" might help. My mom is starting to show signs of very early cognitive decline. She frequently says things that "hurt" or are "not quite true". I choose to change the subject or keep silent.

My hubby with dementia has substantial hearing loss. I've found by touching his arm, having him look at me and standing close to his good ear (the one that has 40% hearing) and answering his questions, speaking slowly, cuts down on the frequent questions. His brain is broken and he doesn't process speech as fast as he used to.

It is unclear whether he has been tested by a neurologist yet. An ENT can also test his hearing. When my husband asked “What’s in that box 4x in 15 minutes, I knew it was more than hearing loss. It can get on one’s nerves and the idea of writing down the answers to frequent questions is a good one but make sure he doesn’t lose the book where the questions have been written. Also questions like “Where are we going today?” will have different answers and you can fill up a book or page. I have found Amazon echo very helpful in ”What day is it, What date is it, What time is it.”
”What is the weather like? “Alexa never tires or loses her temper.😀

I can have the same problem with my 97-year-old MIL. What I do quite often is write her notes, so she can refresh her memory by reading them. And I don’t get exasperated. (Also, I don’t have to raise my voice because she can’t hear/understand well.). And yes, it’s ok to feel hurt.

There are quite a few "Alzheimers Training" courses and videos you can watch to see how to navigate this more easily in the future.

It really is not productive to remind people with memory loss of their memory loss, I am told. It just creates another communication layer that goes nowhere or creates strife.

Type "alzheimers training for caregivers " into youtube and you will have more than enough training videos to watch. I just tested it....

Good luck.

It won't help to remind him he has already asked the same question. He has forgotten it and is starting over.. Four times in a day isn't much at all. It could be four times dirong a 15 minute convetsation.

When he repeats a question, try to receive it with "fresh ears" like it's the first time you've heard and answered it. If you let the repetition aggravate you, you'll explode.

Easier said than done, I know, but.just monitor your own mindset in this journey.

At the time I'm sure he thought you were being mean. I know you weren't and so do you. For someone in his fragile state never argue with them and never tell them "you already told me that 3 times." Even though it drives you crazy hearing it over and over - don't tell him that. Just always agree. It's so much easier to get along with them if you stay on their side. Good luck.

There is an additional approach worth considering. My mother used to ask the same question, sometimes several times within an hour, and certainly from one day to the next. I typed out answers as sort of a "FAQ list". She was very hard of hearing, and hearing aids simply got to be more aggravation that they were worth, so pointing to the answer on this sheet prevented a lot of straining of my voice, accompanying frustration, and time (because she could read the answers at least as fast as I could say them). Every so often I updated the sheet as new questions popped up and old ones were forgotten or no longer relevant.

I've learned that the world is not such a nice place anymore, especially since the pandemic. People are intolerant and often rude when dealing with each other. I do not think you were wrong or "nasty" to tell him he asked the same question already. But, it truly won't help your situation...It's a real learning process for us care giving people, at times. Don't be too hard on yourself. There are many people in these forums that have amazing tips, tricks, and advice. :0) Take all the good advice you can use and leave anything that brings you down. Its very tough to be patient, kind and caring, 100% of the time...but we are all in different places in our walks of life, and we all have room to learn and grow. :0)

As a pretty deaf woman, married to a newly pretty deaf husband, this is a problem compounded by short-term memory problems. We often find ourselves not hearing an answer and then yelling "Why are you yelling at me?" Think of yourself as living in a sitcom. It is irritating, and you will get angry, but last time I checked we are all human. Try and laugh at times. Also, with my deafness, I found myself not asking people to repeat. It is embarrassing, but not having the information is also a problem. You may have noticed life can be complicated, try and chill some of the time.

I got some sage advice from my local Alzheimer’s Association: For you, it is the 50th time he asked the question. For him, it is the first time he asked the question. I have lived by that mantra and it has helped me tremendously with my patience. People, especially with memory loss, often don’t remember the words, but they remember the emotions they felt.

Hearing loss can lead to or lend to dementia. Please have your husband see an audiologist. Having hearing aids will not cure his dementia - but can slow it down. Depending on how long he's been hard of hearing also has an impact. When my father got his hearing aids - he'd been very deaf for several years - the Doc said that if hearing loss goes on for a while the pathways between brain and ears die - that he'd still say "What" a lot. But with the hearing aids it did make it easier to communicate with him. - He still hated them.

Yes, it is better not to remind our spouses of their failings, but being human, we get truly tired and respond with what was better left unsaid. With my husband - he not only asks the same questions but talks constantly saying the same thing again, and again, and again, and again until all I hear is how we heard Charlie Brown's teacher in the cartoons: "Waa Wa Wa Wa Waa". It does get old, and sometimes after begging him to stop talking, I snap which makes it all the worse. I pray for patience and try to keep my big mouth shut.

Good luck.

I wonder where technology will lead us in hearing aids. I just heard about a new device coming out by a well known company that makes speakers. Supposedly, you will be able to control the volume with a smart phone. The price is supposed to be cheaper than traditional hearing aids. Some hearing aids are thousands of dollars, not everyone can afford them.

Has he addressed the “hearing loss”.

Before retirement, I was a trained, degreed professional in a related field, and one of the sorriest experiences in almost 45 years of marriage has been his absolute refusal to address his hearing loss.

Now, he has seen a very fine local ear/nose/throat specialist and HAS BROUGHT HOME a folder discussing the relationship between dementia and hearing loss.
Unless he has been formally tested, your husband’s “some hearing loss” may (or may not) be costing him FAR MORE than he is aware of.

Hearing loss can sometimes be remediate. Pig headed stubbornness is life long and gets worse with age. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.