Family members who forget how their aging family member was always there for them and now that the aging family member is "old", simply don't have the time for even a visit. My mother was such a devoted mom. She was always there for her two children and never once was unavailable. She stayed in her abusive marriage to see her kids graduate from high school and always put her kids needs before her own. She never asked for anything. All she ever did was unconditionally love her kids; want the best for them in life; and be there should she ever be needed. It hurts me to have asked her family to make a day trip (four hour drive) to come see her. (She is now close to me logistically as I am the only family member to ensure she is receiving the necessary medical care. I have grown resentful of this so called family. I know that I will never get over my resentfulness but I try not to have this become a major issue in my life. I just don't understand how family can do this. I see so many elderly folks forgotten about. I am ashamed that our society is not more like some other places in the world where elderly family members are revered and their needs prioritized. Our country for whatever reason does not seem to feel this way when more than not families just don't take the time to simply stop by a nursing home and spend ten minutes to say I love you. Granted, there are families who love their aging parents and are there for them and I so respect this. I remain blessed to still have my aging parent and will do whatever I can to have her have the best quality of life I can. She deserves no less. She was always there for her family. So to those caregivers who are there for your aging family, hold your heads high. You are to be respected for all that you do. No one could have ever prepared me for the role of care giver but that's ok, it is one of the most important roles in my life and I embrace it and all of the challenges it presents because I love my mom and she would certainly do it for me.
In my case, I am angry and disappointed that my cousins who never so much as pick up a phone to find how things are going or to speak with mom. This simple act of concern would mean so much to both of us.
I try not to dwell on my disappointments. I can't let them interfer with what I need to do. Neither should you. Just keep moving forward. The day of reckoning will be here soon enough.
Look for help from 'the family of man' instead of your biological family. We can all sit here and say (honestly) that we wish it didn't happen, that we wished that other family was 'there for us and them' but it may not happen. But all that will do is waste YOUR time and energy when it could be spend doing something better!
I will tel you that when she passes you mind will NOT be filled with what you should have done, but what you DID together! Oh, and to answer your question about whether you should call or not, my answer would be YES. Your mind will be at ease, but expect some unique reactions from 'them'.
I spent more time with my Mother and I know that when she passed, mine was a feeling of great loss, but also relief to know that she was no longer 'lost and suffering'. God rest your soul Mom... I will always love you!
guess i got the compassion in this family
My parents both prided themselves on making plans for their future in a nursing home (insurance of $100 day...wow) so we kids wouldn't be bothered. That was the talk of our generation. Social Security would handle it all, Medicare.
The Greatest Generation, freed from the ravages of the depression and WWII prided themselves on advancement and providing every new device and experience for their children. We believed it, and sorta assumed we'd do the same thing. But we didn't have the deprivation, nor the work ethic, nor the experience of saving the world from Hitler's evil.
In the Asian countries, even the sociopaths are less obvious, because they mimic behavior based on filial piety and responsibility. There is a cultural system of how elder care is provided, carried through the eldest son and his wife. In this country, inheritance laws generally do not base distribution of inherited wealth as who loved the most, nor who put in the most hours caregiving. However, you can do this in your own will...and suggest if kids abandoned you, that you leave your estate to friendly neighbors, the few genuine relatives. or some nonprofit.
My mom has Alzheimers and each day is gets harder. Im thankful for all shes done for me and will be apart of her life till end. I have tried to get my brother to call or visit but no help there. His lost and I dont feel he needs to know anything about her anymore. Awful, yes but his choice. When she is gone I will have pictures and memories of the times shes been here and visits we have had. Shes happy in her safe zone so cannot live her. I pray when the time comes to have a nurse with her I am able to leave my Three children to help her. I love my mom and feel sorry for those who dont put the effort to help their parents when they need you. All those that do God bless you! In the end you will be glad!
If I had not stepped in about 8 years ago, when I got a call from the police finding my dad in the middle of the street (which I later realized) was acting out a hallucination he was experiencing, he would not be here today. Until this episode, I had not realized how far along my dad was with Parkinson's. At that time, one of my brothers was living with him. Which later I found out was only mooching off of my dad and living rent free and care free. When I asked him about what was really going on in the home, his only response was "I don't know, I just go to work and come home".
When I took my dad to live with me until I could look into and set up whatever resources were available, I was preparing for the long haul. I mad lite mention of sharing dad throughout the year, having him come live with each of us 3 months out of the year. When I saw their reactions and got their responses to this suggestion, I knew at that moment, I was the only one taking this journey.
So I pushed on and did what I needed to do to take care of my dad. He & I went and got POA for me, he already had my name on financial accounts, got his doctors down to 1 primary and 2 “support” specialists and got him down to only the meds that are necessary. I ultimately ended up moving me & my daughter & my husband (2nd marriage) into his house. He was so much more comfortable in his own home & I could no longer manage 2 households. Over the past almost 2 years he requires constant supervision. Luckily I have a sister-in-law who takes care of him during the day while my husband & I are at work. She gets paid for this (mostly) through a program my dad was fortunate enough to get & we supplement the rest of her pay. But after 5pm & on weekends, it’s us.
I only alert my siblings if dad ends up in ER or staying in the hospital and give them the phone # of the hospital. It is on them to call for info if that is what they desire. I am not the 411 info center nor do I have the time or energy to call everyone and keep repeating the same info.
Bottom line, do what you need to do for you and your mom. If you know in your heart that what you are doing is right, then sleep well at night. Let the chips fall where they may with your siblings and other family members. I know I am setting a great example for my daughter and I do sleep well every night (well, at least if my dad doesn’t wake up at 2:30am, LOL). :)
You can within your own facebook account create a group, secret one, and messages will go only to those in the group, like family members, respite caregivers, etc. The messages are generally forwarded to email boxes.
Within the secret group, you can create documents for resource information, photo albums, etc. The posts do show up on your own wall, but they are not seen by other friends not in the group. This gives a history of what transpired. Be careful of venting here, but you could document what happened during the hours during work and when you were on duty.
And remember, where you have your own family to help, and your own incomes, there are those sole caregivers are on often 24/7, with little respite. Time off spent running errands. Whatever you think your hardships, you'll find many who will make your gig sound like a walk in the park.
I have lost my brothers because I and my adult daughter resisted their efforts to put her in a nursing home and are for her at home instead. All they cared about was the money, and when they realized Mom had given me POA, they blew up.
I used to send them pictures and long email updates on Mom and her care - but their return letters were always about the money I was spending. How dare I put a new heating and air system in her house? What was I thinking buying her a new refrigerator or washing machine? What was the poihnt or pulling up 40 yr old carpet and replacing it with new?
After 4 yrs of rejection and heartbreak, I finally just gave up.
My daughter, and now I, have given up a great deal of our own lives to care for a woman who doesn't even know who we are. It's the hardest thing I've ever done - and yet when I do lay my head down at night I know I've done right by my mother.
I am the POA of my mom -Durable, Medical and Financial. I live in the same town with her and even though I work full time and my husband works full time I inherited the job of taking care of mom. I am actually listed as her beneficiary because my mom said that since I am the one doing all the work I should be the one that benefits if there is anything left to benefit. My mom did this on her own when I first started taking care of her and she visited with the attorney alone so that they knew she was not under pressure from me. My sister lives about 2 hours away and calls my mom maybe every other month and she might see them for a few hours a couple of times a year. She has begged them to let her come spend a week with them but they say no or just ignore her pleading. Their don't want to leave her alone while they are at work. She lives alone right now....so what would be the difference? The sad thing is that she is plenty alert enough to know that they just don't want to bother with her. I have offered to bring her to them and get no response.
Anyway, I am sure that if she were to pass away tomorrow I would definitely hear from the family. We just sold her house so we don't have that problem anymore but I am sure if there is money in the bank when she goes they will expect some of it. Mom certainly doesn't owe them or the grandchildren anything so the fact that some people just expect an inheritance is rediculous.
Money does bring out the worst in people so I hope mom lives long enough to enjoy the money she has and not so long that she is totally unhappy.
I and my adult daughter remained close to Mom because someone had to - and we took her into our care because it was the right thing to do.
Having lost in their bid to have her 'put away', their attention turned to her money and her property. "They must be doing it for the money" - for why else would we?
I miss my brothers in my life, but I also feel sorry for them, and I wouldn't want to be them.
It's so hurtful, and so disgusting to know that people can actually turn their love off from a good to the bone parent. Yes my Mom can be a handfull with her constant worrying and complaining but it didn't seem to bother anyone when
Bonnieadams59, I was wrought wiht bitterness, I'm still hurt for mom and dad, I know everyone has their problems, issues, etc and so do I. How do I manage? I manage thru prayer and thanksgiving, to each their own but this is how I get through my days. If I dwelled on what "they are not doing" I may have been under lock and key a few mos ago!
Focus on your mother's care, day by day you will be able to look only at yourself and know...you did alright. Sometimes alone is better,
Rest and well wishes,
stay strong, spend your energy wisely. ( im learning that one myself right now)