Family members who forget how their aging family member was always there for them and now that the aging family member is "old", simply don't have the time for even a visit. My mother was such a devoted mom. She was always there for her two children and never once was unavailable. She stayed in her abusive marriage to see her kids graduate from high school and always put her kids needs before her own. She never asked for anything. All she ever did was unconditionally love her kids; want the best for them in life; and be there should she ever be needed. It hurts me to have asked her family to make a day trip (four hour drive) to come see her. (She is now close to me logistically as I am the only family member to ensure she is receiving the necessary medical care. I have grown resentful of this so called family. I know that I will never get over my resentfulness but I try not to have this become a major issue in my life. I just don't understand how family can do this. I see so many elderly folks forgotten about. I am ashamed that our society is not more like some other places in the world where elderly family members are revered and their needs prioritized. Our country for whatever reason does not seem to feel this way when more than not families just don't take the time to simply stop by a nursing home and spend ten minutes to say I love you. Granted, there are families who love their aging parents and are there for them and I so respect this. I remain blessed to still have my aging parent and will do whatever I can to have her have the best quality of life I can. She deserves no less. She was always there for her family. So to those caregivers who are there for your aging family, hold your heads high. You are to be respected for all that you do. No one could have ever prepared me for the role of care giver but that's ok, it is one of the most important roles in my life and I embrace it and all of the challenges it presents because I love my mom and she would certainly do it for me.
When I became a doctor, after a year suddenly mom was very sick. It was diagnosed that she was suffering from Parkinson's disease. Day by day the disease was deteriorating, but I tried my best to give best care. It was started from 2002. My father promised me many times that he would arrange my marriage with an US immigrant and help me to settle in the US. My father was in the US for 13 years. Suddenly he came home in 2002 and broke all his promises and left all jobs he was working. Our family fall in a great problem. Me and my brother were recently graduated. My brother went to US in 2002, came home 2003 for marriage and did not come home till 2011. I went to Australia to study masters and after a semester I came home as I could not manage the tution fees. In 2005 I married a doctor. It was an arranged marriage. I found that the lady whom I married was not the correct person for our family. She did not show any respect for my mom though they were relatives. She was failed also to grow a good realtion with me. I had to take very strong decision. I found that my mother is the most important persobn for me. I decided to be separated from my spouse.
It was difficult decision as the bride's family pressurized me to accept their daughter.
I went to abroad but I was worried about my mom. I know very well that my father was an irresponsible person and he has no sympathy for others except his close friends. After a year, I rushed to my country. I found that my mother was so sick. I prayed a lot. My mother was happy when she saw me. Within 2 months she was improved, but I found that she became psychologically ill. I felt helpless when I used to see her in that way. My mother told me many times to marry again but I decided to not to marry till my mother was alive. In 2007, I completed MPH and in 2009, I completed MIPH- the Australian degree. I was awarded MIPH in 2010 and my mother was so happy to see this. My father used to say others before,'See, he spoiled a lot of money, but did not completed...' When I completed my degree I showed him my certificate and told him,' You are wrong. Have you seen it?' He felt ashamed.
My mother became so sick in June 2010. I managed her and served her as my best. My dearest mother left this world in August 2010. She was my best friend and she will be always in my mind.
I thank to the Almighty that He gave me the opportunity to serve my mother. My brother did not come and see my mother for 7 long years.
I am not blaming my brother as I think all this he learned from his father. I hate these type of family members who cannot love each others.
I am also grateful to my Almighty that He has given so wonderful mothers who always loves me most and took a great care of mine. I believe, we will meet again in the heaven. I always love you Mom.
Gah, on the personal level, do what you need to for the care needs of the elder relative and let the greedy, thoughtless, self interested siblings deal with themselves. Get it all in writing and in legal terms, get help where you can, cherish YOUR relationship with your loved one, you are not responsible for the choices others make.
It is very difficult as adults to plan for your retirement after working year after year only to now be dealing with parents who are declining in health and because of medications a long slow path of ups and downs. Instead of spending our 50s and 60s doing a little traveling before getting "too old" , we are now here running after emergencies with our parents.
It is a weird situation. To love your parents and also resent it so much. To be responsible and yet have brothers and sisters who do not help and are let off the hook more and more just because "you will do it".
I do not know what the answer is. We are going to need more and more assisted living facilities and more and more nursing homes.
I have no idea what my husband and I will do when we cannot take care of ourselves. We are trying to make our home accessible as possible in anticipation of the future but for now... we have no future... the next 20 years of good health we have will be spent taking care of parents in declining health... and unfortunately parents who were not very loving. But we can't walk away.
My sister and her husband and grown son had no friends there, the service was filled with my and my mom's friends. I never in a million years thought that my sister would be so hypocrital or that she would not even email me in the 41/2 months since my mom died.
In the situation you mention in your original post, you say the person stayed in an abusive marriage "for the kids to graduate". It is very likely the kids did not see it as for their benefit and they probably suffered for it. No one knows what really goes on in another's family. Sometimes a parent who thinks they were a wonderful parent - is completely unaware of how they actually treated their children.
I recently retired 1 year early 54, becuase I couldn't handle her health issues, mini strokes, seizers, slight dementia and walking disabilities and work full time always afraid of her falling. She doesn't or can't (I not sure which) the telephone which gives me no sense of peace because 99% of the time nothing is wrong but I don't know that. It has been over ten years living with this stress and I have lupus which is another added stress managing my own condition and caring for her. She does go to day care and she does have a homemaker for support but weekends I the sole caregiver and I work one day a week now but would like to return to work . Fiancially I can not afford not to work at least part-time but I am trying to give her the best quality of life I can while she can still appreciate it. My dilemma is getting him to talke her home with him sometimes or staying longer than a day and half?..............
Your Mom, one day a self-sacrificing servant; now useless to everyone but you. When you keep giving and catering to everyone's whims people don't learn to earn and take responsibility for anything. ... The gravy train is gone, and they probably resent that. But you know what? Forget them. Focus on Mom, and treat her like the Queen she was and still is. Bless you both.
stay strong, spend your energy wisely. ( im learning that one myself right now)
Bonnieadams59, I was wrought wiht bitterness, I'm still hurt for mom and dad, I know everyone has their problems, issues, etc and so do I. How do I manage? I manage thru prayer and thanksgiving, to each their own but this is how I get through my days. If I dwelled on what "they are not doing" I may have been under lock and key a few mos ago!
Focus on your mother's care, day by day you will be able to look only at yourself and know...you did alright. Sometimes alone is better,
Rest and well wishes,
It's so hurtful, and so disgusting to know that people can actually turn their love off from a good to the bone parent. Yes my Mom can be a handfull with her constant worrying and complaining but it didn't seem to bother anyone when
I and my adult daughter remained close to Mom because someone had to - and we took her into our care because it was the right thing to do.
Having lost in their bid to have her 'put away', their attention turned to her money and her property. "They must be doing it for the money" - for why else would we?
I miss my brothers in my life, but I also feel sorry for them, and I wouldn't want to be them.
I am the POA of my mom -Durable, Medical and Financial. I live in the same town with her and even though I work full time and my husband works full time I inherited the job of taking care of mom. I am actually listed as her beneficiary because my mom said that since I am the one doing all the work I should be the one that benefits if there is anything left to benefit. My mom did this on her own when I first started taking care of her and she visited with the attorney alone so that they knew she was not under pressure from me. My sister lives about 2 hours away and calls my mom maybe every other month and she might see them for a few hours a couple of times a year. She has begged them to let her come spend a week with them but they say no or just ignore her pleading. Their don't want to leave her alone while they are at work. She lives alone right now....so what would be the difference? The sad thing is that she is plenty alert enough to know that they just don't want to bother with her. I have offered to bring her to them and get no response.
Anyway, I am sure that if she were to pass away tomorrow I would definitely hear from the family. We just sold her house so we don't have that problem anymore but I am sure if there is money in the bank when she goes they will expect some of it. Mom certainly doesn't owe them or the grandchildren anything so the fact that some people just expect an inheritance is rediculous.
Money does bring out the worst in people so I hope mom lives long enough to enjoy the money she has and not so long that she is totally unhappy.
I have lost my brothers because I and my adult daughter resisted their efforts to put her in a nursing home and are for her at home instead. All they cared about was the money, and when they realized Mom had given me POA, they blew up.
I used to send them pictures and long email updates on Mom and her care - but their return letters were always about the money I was spending. How dare I put a new heating and air system in her house? What was I thinking buying her a new refrigerator or washing machine? What was the poihnt or pulling up 40 yr old carpet and replacing it with new?
After 4 yrs of rejection and heartbreak, I finally just gave up.
My daughter, and now I, have given up a great deal of our own lives to care for a woman who doesn't even know who we are. It's the hardest thing I've ever done - and yet when I do lay my head down at night I know I've done right by my mother.
You can within your own facebook account create a group, secret one, and messages will go only to those in the group, like family members, respite caregivers, etc. The messages are generally forwarded to email boxes.
Within the secret group, you can create documents for resource information, photo albums, etc. The posts do show up on your own wall, but they are not seen by other friends not in the group. This gives a history of what transpired. Be careful of venting here, but you could document what happened during the hours during work and when you were on duty.
And remember, where you have your own family to help, and your own incomes, there are those sole caregivers are on often 24/7, with little respite. Time off spent running errands. Whatever you think your hardships, you'll find many who will make your gig sound like a walk in the park.
If I had not stepped in about 8 years ago, when I got a call from the police finding my dad in the middle of the street (which I later realized) was acting out a hallucination he was experiencing, he would not be here today. Until this episode, I had not realized how far along my dad was with Parkinson's. At that time, one of my brothers was living with him. Which later I found out was only mooching off of my dad and living rent free and care free. When I asked him about what was really going on in the home, his only response was "I don't know, I just go to work and come home".
When I took my dad to live with me until I could look into and set up whatever resources were available, I was preparing for the long haul. I mad lite mention of sharing dad throughout the year, having him come live with each of us 3 months out of the year. When I saw their reactions and got their responses to this suggestion, I knew at that moment, I was the only one taking this journey.
So I pushed on and did what I needed to do to take care of my dad. He & I went and got POA for me, he already had my name on financial accounts, got his doctors down to 1 primary and 2 “support” specialists and got him down to only the meds that are necessary. I ultimately ended up moving me & my daughter & my husband (2nd marriage) into his house. He was so much more comfortable in his own home & I could no longer manage 2 households. Over the past almost 2 years he requires constant supervision. Luckily I have a sister-in-law who takes care of him during the day while my husband & I are at work. She gets paid for this (mostly) through a program my dad was fortunate enough to get & we supplement the rest of her pay. But after 5pm & on weekends, it’s us.
I only alert my siblings if dad ends up in ER or staying in the hospital and give them the phone # of the hospital. It is on them to call for info if that is what they desire. I am not the 411 info center nor do I have the time or energy to call everyone and keep repeating the same info.
Bottom line, do what you need to do for you and your mom. If you know in your heart that what you are doing is right, then sleep well at night. Let the chips fall where they may with your siblings and other family members. I know I am setting a great example for my daughter and I do sleep well every night (well, at least if my dad doesn’t wake up at 2:30am, LOL). :)
My mom has Alzheimers and each day is gets harder. Im thankful for all shes done for me and will be apart of her life till end. I have tried to get my brother to call or visit but no help there. His lost and I dont feel he needs to know anything about her anymore. Awful, yes but his choice. When she is gone I will have pictures and memories of the times shes been here and visits we have had. Shes happy in her safe zone so cannot live her. I pray when the time comes to have a nurse with her I am able to leave my Three children to help her. I love my mom and feel sorry for those who dont put the effort to help their parents when they need you. All those that do God bless you! In the end you will be glad!