Family members who forget how their aging family member was always there for them and now that the aging family member is "old", simply don't have the time for even a visit. My mother was such a devoted mom. She was always there for her two children and never once was unavailable. She stayed in her abusive marriage to see her kids graduate from high school and always put her kids needs before her own. She never asked for anything. All she ever did was unconditionally love her kids; want the best for them in life; and be there should she ever be needed. It hurts me to have asked her family to make a day trip (four hour drive) to come see her. (She is now close to me logistically as I am the only family member to ensure she is receiving the necessary medical care. I have grown resentful of this so called family. I know that I will never get over my resentfulness but I try not to have this become a major issue in my life. I just don't understand how family can do this. I see so many elderly folks forgotten about. I am ashamed that our society is not more like some other places in the world where elderly family members are revered and their needs prioritized. Our country for whatever reason does not seem to feel this way when more than not families just don't take the time to simply stop by a nursing home and spend ten minutes to say I love you. Granted, there are families who love their aging parents and are there for them and I so respect this. I remain blessed to still have my aging parent and will do whatever I can to have her have the best quality of life I can. She deserves no less. She was always there for her family. So to those caregivers who are there for your aging family, hold your heads high. You are to be respected for all that you do. No one could have ever prepared me for the role of care giver but that's ok, it is one of the most important roles in my life and I embrace it and all of the challenges it presents because I love my mom and she would certainly do it for me.
Your Mom, one day a self-sacrificing servant; now useless to everyone but you. When you keep giving and catering to everyone's whims people don't learn to earn and take responsibility for anything. ... The gravy train is gone, and they probably resent that. But you know what? Forget them. Focus on Mom, and treat her like the Queen she was and still is. Bless you both.
I recently retired 1 year early 54, becuase I couldn't handle her health issues, mini strokes, seizers, slight dementia and walking disabilities and work full time always afraid of her falling. She doesn't or can't (I not sure which) the telephone which gives me no sense of peace because 99% of the time nothing is wrong but I don't know that. It has been over ten years living with this stress and I have lupus which is another added stress managing my own condition and caring for her. She does go to day care and she does have a homemaker for support but weekends I the sole caregiver and I work one day a week now but would like to return to work . Fiancially I can not afford not to work at least part-time but I am trying to give her the best quality of life I can while she can still appreciate it. My dilemma is getting him to talke her home with him sometimes or staying longer than a day and half?..............
In the situation you mention in your original post, you say the person stayed in an abusive marriage "for the kids to graduate". It is very likely the kids did not see it as for their benefit and they probably suffered for it. No one knows what really goes on in another's family. Sometimes a parent who thinks they were a wonderful parent - is completely unaware of how they actually treated their children.
My sister and her husband and grown son had no friends there, the service was filled with my and my mom's friends. I never in a million years thought that my sister would be so hypocrital or that she would not even email me in the 41/2 months since my mom died.
It is very difficult as adults to plan for your retirement after working year after year only to now be dealing with parents who are declining in health and because of medications a long slow path of ups and downs. Instead of spending our 50s and 60s doing a little traveling before getting "too old" , we are now here running after emergencies with our parents.
It is a weird situation. To love your parents and also resent it so much. To be responsible and yet have brothers and sisters who do not help and are let off the hook more and more just because "you will do it".
I do not know what the answer is. We are going to need more and more assisted living facilities and more and more nursing homes.
I have no idea what my husband and I will do when we cannot take care of ourselves. We are trying to make our home accessible as possible in anticipation of the future but for now... we have no future... the next 20 years of good health we have will be spent taking care of parents in declining health... and unfortunately parents who were not very loving. But we can't walk away.
Gah, on the personal level, do what you need to for the care needs of the elder relative and let the greedy, thoughtless, self interested siblings deal with themselves. Get it all in writing and in legal terms, get help where you can, cherish YOUR relationship with your loved one, you are not responsible for the choices others make.
When I became a doctor, after a year suddenly mom was very sick. It was diagnosed that she was suffering from Parkinson's disease. Day by day the disease was deteriorating, but I tried my best to give best care. It was started from 2002. My father promised me many times that he would arrange my marriage with an US immigrant and help me to settle in the US. My father was in the US for 13 years. Suddenly he came home in 2002 and broke all his promises and left all jobs he was working. Our family fall in a great problem. Me and my brother were recently graduated. My brother went to US in 2002, came home 2003 for marriage and did not come home till 2011. I went to Australia to study masters and after a semester I came home as I could not manage the tution fees. In 2005 I married a doctor. It was an arranged marriage. I found that the lady whom I married was not the correct person for our family. She did not show any respect for my mom though they were relatives. She was failed also to grow a good realtion with me. I had to take very strong decision. I found that my mother is the most important persobn for me. I decided to be separated from my spouse.
It was difficult decision as the bride's family pressurized me to accept their daughter.
I went to abroad but I was worried about my mom. I know very well that my father was an irresponsible person and he has no sympathy for others except his close friends. After a year, I rushed to my country. I found that my mother was so sick. I prayed a lot. My mother was happy when she saw me. Within 2 months she was improved, but I found that she became psychologically ill. I felt helpless when I used to see her in that way. My mother told me many times to marry again but I decided to not to marry till my mother was alive. In 2007, I completed MPH and in 2009, I completed MIPH- the Australian degree. I was awarded MIPH in 2010 and my mother was so happy to see this. My father used to say others before,'See, he spoiled a lot of money, but did not completed...' When I completed my degree I showed him my certificate and told him,' You are wrong. Have you seen it?' He felt ashamed.
My mother became so sick in June 2010. I managed her and served her as my best. My dearest mother left this world in August 2010. She was my best friend and she will be always in my mind.
I thank to the Almighty that He gave me the opportunity to serve my mother. My brother did not come and see my mother for 7 long years.
I am not blaming my brother as I think all this he learned from his father. I hate these type of family members who cannot love each others.
I am also grateful to my Almighty that He has given so wonderful mothers who always loves me most and took a great care of mine. I believe, we will meet again in the heaven. I always love you Mom.