Senior parent, always demanding. Any advice?

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Senior parent, always demanding. Any advice?

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What I mean by the title is. I will be in the middle of something. When my mother suddenly (no emergency) wants my attention. After she has told me something else.

Today, There was a Christmas card from a family member for me to read. If I had waited, she would have assumed I wasn't going to read it. So, I chose to read it right away. While I was reading it. She started telling me about another family member, and asked me if I was listening to her. When I said 'No', she walked off in a huff.

This happens quite a lot. Yet, I try to respect her when she is in the middle of something.

Am I the only one experiencing this from a senior parent?

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GA is spot on Chris. If you don't make time for at least 5 minutes eery hour she will think that you are ignoring her and become eve more demanding. When you have spent that time with her and before you walk out of the room, ask her if there is anything else she wants or needs. I also give Mum a notepad and a pencil so she can write things down so she doesn't forget. She doesn't use it often but it is there for her and that seems to be the important factor although I can't tell you why.

Your Mum is not seeing you as a grown man she is still perceiving you as a child and the more you tell her you're 'all grown up' the more miffed she will get. If I don't eat WITH Mum she doesn't eat all her meals. If I sit and eat with her she will eat far better.

She clearly feels dependent on you yet can't quite get to grips that you are no longer dependent on her. As for the Christmas card issue, instead of just saying no - which is the honest response and I understand that - boy oh boy do I understand where you are coming from try saying no I have my mind on lunch/the weather/menidng the car/cutting the grass. I will be back in a bit - you write down anything you need to talk to me about so you don't forget and then we can talk when I have done my chores.

She might be more affable if she thinks you are doing things that benefit her

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Yes, often because MIL wanted it always to be about her. Could you have read it aloud to keep her amused?

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Then consider yourself lucky Chris. My mother would think nothing of following me anywhere if she could. There is no point in me putting my foot down because she simply doesn't remember from one moment to the next (unless its something she is obsessing about then she remembers EVERY MOMENT). Deep breaths Chris. xx

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Is your mom in the beginning stages of dementia? My mom and my MIL both did things like that before dementia set in. They would call me whenever an idea entered their mind, sometimes 6-8 times a day with different ideas or thoughts or needs. I don't live with either. And both got huffy if I didn't take each call. Their attention span is short and their ideas don't stick long enough in their mind. My MIL is still in the early onset stages, and she gets bizzare ideas in her mind, and calls everyone. And then she will change the subject like a channel was switched.

As for wanting in the bathroom or talking to you through the door, she can forget that you are grown. LoL as nuts as that sounds, if she used to do that when you were a little child, she will think it is ok. They start returning to long ago realities, not today realities. Has she been tested for long term memory loss, dementia, etc?

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Different attention spans, shortened from what they used to be. An issue arises; they want to address it then. Otherwise they might forget it.

Perhaps you can set aside 5 minutes an hour, or something like that less often, to go over what she wants to discuss.

Make it special by having tea, mulled cider or something she enjoys so she looks forward to it, rather than becomes resentful because you aren't available at the specific spontaneous time she wants attention.

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Pamstegma-Do you mean, reading aloud, what she just said?

GardenArtist-I have a short-term memory problems, due to needed brain operations from 9mos.-old, to 9yrs.-old. They were because of congenital(since birth) health problems. So, While it is hard for me to remember, if I have to wait. I am not running to my mother to tell her something before I forget. I wait until she is finished(on the phone, watching a tv program, etc.). Unless it were a medical emergency, that required an immediate response.

Tea every 5mins.? The prep time would take too long for every 5mins..

I will think about something she enjoys.

But in an emotional sense. It is almost like she is a drill sargeant telling me to 'jump', and I am saying 'how high'.

When I put my foot down about being in the middle of something, she gets miffed.

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Chris I didn't mean tea every 5 minutes. My apologies. I was thinking of spending maybe 5 minutes an hour, or every 2 hours, or every 3 hours....something like that.

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Pamstegma-Ok

GardenArtist-Thank you for the clarification

tacy022-I think that nurse was a great idea

ohJude-I agree. I get frustrated because. While she owns this house. I was talking with her yesterday, about a problem we are having with the town government. That directly affects me. She suddenly said a name I had never heard of. When I asked her if she meant someone else in the town government. She said she never remembered saying some words.

She even would talk to me through the bathroom door.

She wanted to get something out of the bathroom once, while I was taking a shower. I finally put my foot down about both those behaviors, and refused to allow her to repeat them. She finally got the picture. She doesn't do those things anymore.

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ohJude-Hmmmmm.....Ok

Twizard-She won't get her memory(or for that matter, anything else) tested, unless another family member mentions it to her. Even when I told her about getting her eyes' tested(because of her depth perception while she was driving) even though she has already had one operation for Fuchs Dystrophy. Which didn't really correct anything from what I have seen my mother do(multiple potential car accidents).

As for her forgetting I am a grown man. I think, under the surface, it has to do with respect to my physical health(brain aneurysm, hydrocephalus, epilepsy; brother only knee operations from playing soccer) and 'educational success' (I am a college dropout; brother a Ph.D.). Because, If she had the beginnings of dementia. Then why wouldn't she be treating my brother, and sister-in-law(also a Ph.D.), the same way. It is almost selective amnesia, selective respect.

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Well if she has been doing this all her life, she is just high maintenance and possibly a narcissist. My mother thinks nothing of interrupting me in the middle of a rented movie, while I am trying to do their taxes, and when I am on the phone with someone she will complain about me talking for a long time. In other words, she treats me like I am still about five years old.
A support group leader told me to tell her that 'I am busy right now and will get back to you later' and to not be intimidated by any show of emotion on her part.
(Just one of the reasons, I am trying to find a way to move out.)

Senior parent, always demanding. Any advice?

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