My father has been widowed for 5 years. He waited 1 year and started dating. One lady after another. I do find it disgusting that he thinks this is appropriate behavior. Seeing 1 person at time is acceptable, but he now has 5 ladies he sees. I think this is horrible and a mockery to the beautiful marriage my Mom and he shared. Am I wrong? My daughter says I am being disrespectful.
(I'm assuming none of the ladies are 20 years old and out to scam him.
Christopher Plummer plays the father. Diane Lane and Christopher Cusack star.
Or, another movie not done as tastefully is: "Boynton Beach Club" 2005, with
Sally Kellerman, Joseph Bologna, Len Cariou, Brenda Vaccaro, Dyan Cannon,
and Michael Nouri.
Dad is never going to find someone as special as your Mom, his wife.
But to impose your sensitivities on your father is wrong. Does he live with you?
And, even though he doesn't have to date by your rules, there could be concerns. I believe each woman should be aware of the others existence in case your father's mind is not working right and if there were to be intimacy, someone should be practicing safe sex. Apologies if this offends.
Watch the movies and think about the daughter's responses to their father's dating. See if you can find a comfort zone for yourself. Watching the movies could be the best and least expensive therapy you could ever need. (Not that you need therapy-your being upset is very normal., imo). These movies are romantic comedies-you may get a laugh.
You can be upset if you want to be.
I think this more about you than your father, and it may be something that you need to work through. You know your fathers time here on this earth is very limited at this point, so perhaps it's just best to let him be and let him enjoy whatever time he has left.
If the ladies don't mind then it should not bother you.
What your dad does now when dating does not reflect on how he treated your mom or their marriage. The fact that is he probably can not find 1 good enough to hold a candle to your mom.
I do agree with you, though, that dating 1 woman at a time is the better and more respectful way to go. If a younger man were stringing 5 women along at the same time, we'd call him all sorts of ugly names, but if he's 90, it's somehow okay? I don't think so. Same rules of decency apply to ALL men of ALL ages at ALL times, imo.
There was no mention of where he lives and if it is in an Assisteted Living or a LTC facility then there might be concern about his getting booted out if the ladies are within and there ae complaints. There is concern if the 5 ladies are a lot younger and potential scammers trying to get his inheritances but those facts we don't know and in absence of them, it seems very reasonable for him to enjoy his remaining years if this is one of the routes he wishes to take.
As others have said, this does not reflect on the legacy of his marriage and he kept his projmise 'til death do us part' and memories remain. Having memories is wonderful but it is not the present and not an activity.
"stringing along" seems a funny term. In honesty, a single man in a NH is like catnip to a cat. There's probably a 10-1 ratio of single women to men.
Keep an eye on hid finances, not everyone os just out to enjoy the weather, so to speak.
They say as we age our roles reverse and it’s never been more clear than with you and your dad. However, he’s an adult, and I assume has no cognitive decline. Let him enjoy being alive and feeling young and don’t tie him to a wheelchair yet just to please yourself.
There are lots of lonely people out there, and lots of older men and women who would love a hug or two. Most people don’t really like to think or talk about their children or their parents being sexual, but if it wasn’t that way we would have a population problem now!
Glad he's healthy enough to find happiness in some way, many that reach 90 don't get that. If he was living with one in a committed relationship and cheating on her that would be one thing; but there is nothing wrong with playing the field and dating different people.
We live with "hook up", an app that people use just to have sex. People of every age and you don't even have to buy her a drink.
College girls have a club called the "finish line" to get senior gentleman and become their whores, room, board, allowance and sex.
STDs are rampant in all parts of society and a 90 year old, single (widowed) man has enough life history to understand the risks. But at 90 does he care?
Sorry but, I don't think it's any of your business and I agree with your daughter. He lost the love of his life, waited a respectful amount of time and is seeking some happiness, not a thing wrong with that.
As his daughter you can disapprove, but you cant stop him from doing this. I sympathize with you about how it seems like a mockery to his marriage - I dont think anyone would seriously want their life-long partner to go ape-wild a year after they died and if they say they dont mind, I'd highly doubt it. You dont spend an entire lifetime with someone and then the minute you croak say Ok honey have fun! At least not in that way. I dont even think I sound old fashioned, I think people have just become callous and the attachment styles today are less about the true connection and more about what people can get out of it for themselves.
Anyway, you're not wrong in feeling this way. But you cant stop him. And yes, STDs are a real thing in nursing homes, but if he catches one then maybe he'll learn to slow down.
As much as adult children and younger generations of extended family are loving and attentive, being able to be with someone who remembers living through the times that you lived through (the music, the styles, the events) is a way to reconnect with your own lifespan. that loneliness when 'everyone I knew is in the cemetery now' is so painful.
I would guess he doesn't not see himself as 'dating', He has lady friends that he spends time with, and they enjoy the time together.
A man who can drive and is able to care for himself and carry on conversation at age 90 is a rare commodity, so he will never lack from attention from the ladies of his age group.
My elderly parent at 90 expects that her adult daughters attend to all of her needs, including socialization and entertainment. If she had a 'gentleman friend' who visited once a week for conversation, it would be huge gift for her...and her daughters.
Just a different perspective. Hope that this issue does not drive a wedge between you and your father.
Soon enough he will decline and need you much more than he does right now.
Take care.
You have not said, but are you worried that your father may have a disinhibition disorder, dementia causing hypersexuality, or behavioral issues?
One of the signs of this behavior is that it is upsetting to family and caregivers.
(1) excessive time consumed by the sexual symptoms; (2) hypersexuality in response to dysphoric mood states; (3) hypersexuality in response to stressful life events; (4) repetitive but unsuccessful efforts to reduce or control the sexual symptoms; and (5) repetitive engagement in sexual behavior despite the risk for harming themselves or others.
Has anyone mentioned your father's behavior to you?
It was really, REALLY hard to watch this happen, because Mom didn't ever not know her children until almost the end, but she seemed to forget Dad in a heartbeat. She HAD to, because her heart was broken, and it took me a while to understand that. From that point on, I accepted Mom's invisible husband as a part of the family. He even warranted a mention at Mom's memorial service, and her caregivers told me that Mom weathered the Covid lockdown much better than most of the residents because Dan never left her side.
Please understand that your dad needs companionship. Losing a spouse of so many years isn't merely heartbreaking, it's like losing a limb. He's not trying to replace your mother, but he is trying to feel whole and loved again and that's not something to get angry about.
My grandmother died 1966, and my grandfather held out for four years before remarrying. He was so certain his daughters would be upset that he didn't even tell them when he did get married. My mother was indeed livid (my aunt was not), and she had a cool relationship with her father's wife for the rest of their lives. Ruth (the new wife) was only five years older than my mother, so Mom was pretty bent about her father being a "dirty old man," but Ruth was nearly 50, had never been married, had worked for my grandfather in the 1940s, and they were very happy for 13 years until he died. It was really unfortunate that my mother never could quite forgive her father for wanting to feel whole again, because Ruth was part of our family until she herself died in 2018 and was the only grandmother I knew. (I was too young to remember my grandmother.)
Don't confuse your heartbreak at the loss of your parents as a unit with your father's loss of half of who he was. He's not required to martyr himself to your mother's memory by being alone for the rest of his life. Please be supportive and make sure his finances are well-secured just in case one of the lady friends isn't quite as ladylike as one would hope.
Is dad going to meals with different people? Is he seeing a man if he has dinner with him or plays a round of golf with him? Or goes to a community function with the woman on the second floor? Is he dating a woman if he helps her in any way?
Is he living at home? In a facility? Are these dates church functions? If dad has a meal with a woman is that a date?
Or is dating having sex? What is seeing?
I say bravo to his first wife for treating him and leaving him with so many positive memories that he wants to start all over again!
BUT this is his life and his body. He can do what he wants. He probably had an agreement with your mom that whoever outlived the spouse should wait for a year and then live life to its fullest. (I had this discussion with my husband and we agreed to the one year embargo. After that, free agent.). He’s 90. How much time left does he have? If he is not abusing the ladies and they are not abusing him, let him enjoy the last few years of his long life.