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My 98 yr old grandmother came to live with me last month, she has no short term or long term memory. Has to ask “where am I supposed to sleep” every time, has to ask where bathroom is every time. Does not know who I am, other than that she’s in really good health her only medication is a breathing treatment twice a day.😞

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It won't do you or her any good to tell her, as she won't remember it anyway. Your best course of action would be to educate yourself on dementia and all it entails. Teepa Snow has some great videos on You Tube, and the book The 36 Hour Day is a great resource as well.
When someone has dementia/Alzheimer's it's important that those caring for them enter their world, and just go along with whatever they say or do. It can be challenging for sure, but in the long run it will keep the peace. Bless you for taking care of your grandmother. You must be a very special grandchild.
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A few simple questions:   will it help her to know that she has dementia?  And how will it change anything?
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AnnReid May 2021
Absolutely true, and just adding that when you tell her she has dementia at
1 pm, she won’t know what you told her by 1:03.

My LO isn’t in a “bit of a fog”. Far more advanced than that. She spoke to another relative on Monday about graduating from HS in 1946. When SHE gives us a starting point, we pick up right there, hoping that what SHE said in relation to herself will STILL, at least briefly, have some meaning for her.
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It's difficult at first for you to get used to your grandmother being different and not able to remember anything. Your interactions with her have to be different now too. Try step by step instructions on how to do things when you notice she is confused. When long term memory is gone too, it's especially hard to connect, but there might be a few things you can help her remember. Photos of family and friends, even if they are gone and you never knew them, might spark memories for her. It's good she can still get around the house by herself and use the bathroom. Read all you can about dementia and you will learn to get into her new world with her. Something I'd like to suggest is to touch her with affection often, rub her feet and hands, etc. During the covid lock downs with no hugs, foot, hand, body massages, and few physical connections, have left many of our elderly loved ones in a bit of a fog. I've noticed that I can bring my mom back into the world from her stares into space by getting out the lotion and massaging her feet and hands and arms, then gently stroking her face. She'll smile and say "that feels so nice".
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No, telling her isn't going to be helpful.

Be thankful that she remembers to use the bathroom and is willing to go to bed. Imagine having to toilet her or change her diapers. Imagine her screaming that she needs to go home so she can go to bed.

I know this is hard but, you have to look for the blessings in everything that you do with and for her.

My grannie was able to enjoy a coca-cola, playing toss with a stuffed animal and going for walks. She couldn't ask for the bathroom and she couldn't get out of her wheelchair to use it if she could, 2 person assist as she was dead weight. However, making her laugh was the best thing ever. She could only live in the moment and that is where your grandma is. Try to make the moments memorable for you.

If you feel like you have taken on more than you imagined, that's okay, you must speak up and get her into the care that will be best for everyone. If not, you both will suffer needlessly.
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It is very nice of you to take in your grandmother. It sounds like perhaps this was thrust upon you with little/no warning. Who was caring for her before? Why did no one explain her situation?

Short term memory is going to impact remembering where she sleeps and where the bathroom is. About all you can do is guide her there. As others noted, being in good health and still able to use the bathroom is a good thing! She sounds like she's not hard to deal with, just has memory issues.

Also note that moving disorients people who have cognitive issues. If she left a home that she'd been in for many many years, she might have been okay navigating, but now she's moved and with short term memory loss, she can't retain the information.

So, it this considered a permanent move? Will she stay with you until the end? That could end up being a few years. Are you able to do that? When she needs more physical help, can you provide it? If you have a job, are you working from home, so you can be there? If so, will you have to return to work when lock downs are removed? If so, who will be there with her? She clearly can't be left home alone.
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This wasn’t your question, but it’s perhaps concerning that your 98 year old grandma came to live with you just last month, when you don’t seem to have a lot of experience with aged care and dementia. Do you want to say how that happened, how you are going generally with the situation, whether you have help, and whether you want any more information? It’s your business of course, but it does ring a few alarm bells.

You are new on the site, so you may not yet know your way around it. If you click on Care Topics on the top right of the screen, you come up with an alphabetic list for topics. Then click on D for Dementia if you want to read about that. The topics cover articles by professional, and then archived questions and discussions from other people in the past. It’s a quick and easy way to learn about everything from Medicaid to constipation! Good luck for now, Margaret
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You are a wonderful granddaughter to let your grandmom move in with you. This may be a difficult journey even if you are familiar with memory loss; if you are not, please watch the youtube video recommended by funkygrandma59 and read the book the "36 hour day". It will enlighten you. The brain of a person with dementia doesn't work like it used to and that is sometimes hard for caregivers to understand. She has to ask where the bathroom is and where she should sleep because she absolutely can't remember. Her bridge to memory even 5 minutes ago no longer exist. As one poster said be thankful that she remembers to use the bathroom and doesn't sundown. But we all have our limits so when she needs more care than you can give, drop the guilt and find her a good place to live with professionals who can provide care.

You will find lots of good advice and guidance on this forum and whenever you have a question or need to vent.... just log on and type. This forum is open 25/8!
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Be thankful that your grandma has good health. No do not tell her she has dementia, just help her. I would get a camera app so you can watch her on your phone if you go to store etc.
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She is not there, she can't help it. People with dementia often accuse others of stealing. She is confused and paranoid. I know it must be hurtful to hear her say those things, but try to ignore it.
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Think about it this way; if she has very little short term memory telling her isn’t likely to accomplish anything because she won’t remember and in my experience, it will either upset her because she has some memory or gut reaction to what that means or she just won’t understand what you are telling her anyway. That said you know her best so if she is in a place where she is accepting of anything and it’s important to you go ahead and try but I wouldn’t choose to. I choose to simply join Mom where she is and have the same conversations, behave as though it isn’t odd, upsetting her and me simply isn’t productive and I want to keep as joyful and pleasant a world for her and for me as possible, if that makes any sense to you. I don’t know anything about the situation but there is a good chance her questions are only going to increase. On the other hand maybe she will get used to the new routine eventually. Moves are hard on people with dementia, orienting to a new place and new routine but that doesn’t mean they won’t get lost in their own house or think they are somewhere else anyway. I have to echo that my concern is for you, this move may be harder on you both emotionally and physically than you think, especially if she doesn’t know who you you are, that can be so hard. If it’s been this way for a while and you are used to it however as long as she knows you are someone she can trust that will be easier on both of you but still emotionally hard. You are special for taking this on and I have to imagine you have had a special bond with your grandmother, sending you both strength and joy.
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As for questions - I’ve realized that my Mom doesn’t always care that you don’t respond to a question. It seems to be a fleeting thought and then gone. Take a pause and see - that will help the repetitive circles and your mental health. Also as for caretaking at home: it is a distressing call to service. I took a step back and asked myself - what does her disease need? She needs routine-routine-routine, nutrition, eyes on her 24/7, immediate help even if something goes south quickly, and how compliant was she likely to be with me? I quickly realized that as distressing as it was, if we had the $$ means, she was better off close by me in assisted care, than living with me. Some guilt remains but a mental professional can help you work thru that if needed. You are at your best for her and with her, when you have sleep and the peace of mind that comes with knowing she is safe. Then you visit as often as is reasonable - not because she knows who you are, but because it is the right and moral thing to do. Go to the support groups available and use this forum. Both are true blessings indeed.
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So sorry. My dad put on aricept slows progression. Really helped with all the accusations. Drove me crazy.
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Tell her what has meaning for her. Starting with "everything is okay. I'm here, and I will help you."

From there, answer her questions truthfully and in a way that, again, will mean something to her. I doubt if that will include using the term "dementia" specifically, but it is fine to explain to her that her memory is not working as it should, so she and you will find other ways to manage.

How are you getting on with the tedious questions? One trick to stop yourself grinding your teeth over them is to pretend that, just as she doesn't remember the answer, you don't remember her having asked before.
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As long as "dementia" is stigmatized, I question why anyone would want to use that word with a loved one.
In this case, what would be the point? Your grandmother lives in the moment, so I suggest you answer her questions and immediately change the subject to something positive for her or play her favorite music. - You might also want to hang a sign with an arrow pointing to her room.
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My mother had dementia and I'd tell her often that she has dementia. I'd explain that it wasn't anything she did or didn't do. That her brain will get tired and forget things or would create stories that wasn't true. But that I will always tell her the true so all she'd have to do is ask. She lived in memory care and the caretakers weren't keen on my honesty. But it gave my mom such peace at knowing that she wasn't going crazy. That we understood that something was happening to her and we were looking out for her. You can try the same to see how your grandma reacts. Maybe it won't mean anything to her. Or maybe it'll mean everything. Good luck!
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rlljvl20 May 2021
My mom had late onset dementia and her short-term memory was very short indeed. She definitely recognized her memory issues and we would talk about it as just...‘that’s the way it is’ and not dwell on it. Mom always had a positive, loving attitude which made her journey down this path easier for her and her family. Assisted Living was mom’s home for her last 16 months and the care she received, especially during Covid-19, was a gift to her and to me.
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My mom lived with us for 5 years when she had Alzheimer's. She once saw a box of her medicine patches, and she read the word Alzheimer's. She asked who had it, and I said she did, but that medicine would help her. (Sometimes medicine helps in the short run, and sometimes it doesn't, but I wasn't going to tell her that.) Some days she knew her brain wasn't at top form, and other days she didn't. I guess it's an individual choice. i even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." Best of luck.
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It's very good of you to take care of your grandmother. Lower the bar of your expectations. People with dementia are confused, and cannot make good decisions about themselves. You will have to do this for her. This can be draining for you, especially over time. And she may get worse. My mother with advanced demenia cannot feed herself or do anything for herself. Are you able to get an aide to take care of her for part of the day so that you can get a break? You could have the aide in the morning to help her get dressed and bathe, or in the evening to help her get ready for bed (and bathe in the evening). Do what you need to do for her with adult incontinence pads, pads on her bed and if you get her new clothes, get clothes that are easy to get on and off, like pants with elastic waists, crew neck tops that are easy to pull over her head, etc. Don't tell her she has dementia. She won't understand or remember anyway, so why give her anxiety or stress? With dementia, you have to take things day by day and accept people and their capabilities as they are. They are not this way by choice.
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Would the label have any meaning for her? Concentrate on keeping her safe and comfortable and helping her with the things she cannot manage on her own. Be ready to hire some additional help if your grandmosther's care becomes too much for you alone.
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Telling her will have no meaning for her.
Tell her that she is safe.
Tell her that you love her.
Tell her you will be there for her when she needs help.
Hold her hand.
Give her a hug, if you get one back all the better.

For yourself...
Ask for help when you need it.
Accept help when it is offered.
Hire caregivers to help. (grandma pays for them with her assets.)
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My mother is at the moderately advanced stage of dementia now where she can't even remember what she's talking about. Yet, if I were to tell her she has dementia, she'd vehemently deny it. She will tell me she's 'going crazy' every single day, b/c she knows SOMETHING is wrong with her mind, but it's definitely 'not dementia'. She has 'no business' living in Memory Care, either, because she's 'not crazy, the others are though and THEY belong there' not her.

Dementia has no logic to it. That being the case, there is no 'right or wrong' way to handle it. We have to enter THEIR reality and go with the flow. Trying to apply OUR rules of 'normalcy' to a disease that HAS no normalcy to it, makes NO sense.

My favorite line is when I read a person saying they're 'a good church going gal so fibbing goes against their religion.' Whhhaaaaaaat? Again, WE have to enter THEIR reality and make up new rules as we go along. If fibbing helps our loved one get thru their day, fib away.

Tell grandma whatever she needs to hear to HELP her, in other words. If telling her she has 'dementia' will help her in some way, then do it. If you think she'll forget what you tell her the instant the words leave your lips, act accordingly.
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Tell Grandma how much you love her.
Tell her what you appreciate about her.
Tell her a memory of her that makes you happy or proud.
(Write these memories down, to help you remember.)
Tell her that she is precious and beloved.

One day, you'll look back, and be so glad you did.
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Moving to a new place can create a little more confusion that before. Her old routine of 'her' bed and where her bathroom is has been changed. She may never really get it about her new bed and location of the bathroom and there's nothing you can really do to fix that. If she is questioning these things daily, I see no point in telling her she has dementia. Probably wouldn't understand it, there's nothing she can do about it, and will she even remember what you said an hour from now.

If she happens to have any moments of clarity - probably from long ago - be prepared to record what she says. After she is gone you will wish to hear her voice or remember one of the stories.
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No. She already knows. Telling her won't help and may cause harm.
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* Depends what you think will change once you tell her this and
* What is your objective?
* In your view, if she doesn't remember / has no memory, what is the point? In a split second, she'll not know what you said and/or understand what you say means. It would help you understand if you:
* Read/google TEEPA SNOW. She is one of the country's leading experts on dementia and offers webinars to assist family / care providers on how to interact with people inflicted with dementia.
* Are you saying you 'don't know anything' or she looks at you like this - with a blank stare? Her brain does not 'take in this new information' so the blank look would make sense. "She isn't in there as she used to be" and we really do not know what she may be feeling or how/what she processes incoming dialogue / words, or even colors, objects.
* HOLD HER HAND / GENTLY TOUCH HER in loving ways. Hopefully this will feel good to her; you'll know soon enough by her expression(s) / reactions if it feels good or frightening to her.
- You do not need to speak.
- Play quiet / soothing music and smile at her.
* Don't over think this - be present with her. That is 110% enough.
* Talk to a social worker; call your local senior services through the county and/or
* Call the Alzheimer's Association for local referrals. Gena
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Also read Bob De Marco and Rachael Wonderlin online. they helped me tremendously. Routine will make it easier for your grandmother. My mother always surprised me when she was able to learn something new. Never underestimate a person with dementia.
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Grandmais98: No, there is no need to state to her that she has dementia. There would be no real benefit to that.
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Nice that she gets to live with her family.

Just keep her happy and be thankful she can still ask where the bathroom is.

Prayers
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She wouldn’t know what you meant and if she did, why tell her and upset her. At least she is asking for the bathroom instead of just going in her undies.
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Same thing here. I tell my Mom that as she's 90, of course her memory gets tired. When the sun goes down, her memory for the day goes with it. I assure her that it will be ok in the morning (it isn't) and that she's not to worry - she's right where she's supposed to be and I'm taking care of her. She says hearing this "Is a weight off her."
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Bit of humor - my Mom remarked on how comfortable her bed is. I told her it was the memory foam. She said "Maybe it will help me with my memories." We laughed.
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