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My 98 yr old grandmother came to live with me last month, she has no short term or long term memory. Has to ask “where am I supposed to sleep” every time, has to ask where bathroom is every time. Does not know who I am, other than that she’s in really good health her only medication is a breathing treatment twice a day.😞

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She won’t remember you told her. I moved in with my grandmother with dementia and it has been hell! There are times I just get in my car and leave because it gets to be too much. She acts just like a stubborn child if she doesn’t get her way
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No, you shouldn't tell her she has dementia. What good can come of that?
If she doesn't remember who you are or where she is it would be ok to tell her who you are and that she's in your house.
You'll have to repeat yourself over and over, but it might make her happy and be a comfort to her.
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i agree, do not say the word dementia! To me its offensive and implies "crzy" I hate that word and saw it too many times. Rephrase it to "memory loss imo My Mom is 92 home hospice pending Nursing Home and cannot stand. I'm disabled and unable to keep the house going . Cherish each second with her- things change fast! tc, prayers!
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why did she move in with you, why not her own daughter or son? do you know any of her own personal history? sounds like someone just passed her onto you. not making any bad accusations, but are you still working? do you have a family of your own? has she been diagnosed with anything? Sorry I can't think of anything else to offer, i wish you luck.
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I posted but can't find it so I will post quickly. My 96 year old mother died. I took care of her. She was back and forth from hospitals but doctors said there was nothing wrong with her but getting old. She was not on any meds. Her body was getting old and there is no cure for that. Taking her home from a hospital stay of 1 day she was in great pain. I asked the doctors and they said if they gave her any pain meds she would probably stop breathing. So I was told to make a choice. I did. No one deserves to have pain meds held back because they are old but healthy. We all agreed she needed the minimum amount she could handle. As we were getting on ambulance home, she found strength to scream 'kill me, please kill me'. The doctor and I agreed to give her the minimum amount needed and she was able to tolerate the ride home. At home her breathing slowed and she entered the last stage of breathing signaling us she was close to death. Braxton hicks.
My brothers barely made it from the next room in time for us to all hold her hand and tell her to let go, we loved her. She died in peace. I am telling you this because of your grandmothers age and health. Don't be taken back by surprise if this happens to you but be ready. She us old, not sick, and her issues are different then people who are sick. Just thought.
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Sendhelp May 2021
JanisLW
Thinking you might have meant Cheyne-Stokes breathing.
Braxton Hicks are false labor pains.
At least now you know someone is reading and appreciating your writing.

Sorry for your loss.
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If she can't remember where to sleep, your grandmother is not going to remember you telling her she has dementia.  I know the repeating is draining sometimes, but it is part of the disease.  I just keep telling my mom that she is in a beautiful apartment (shared memory care room) she is safe and she is close by so that I can get to her quickly if need be.  That seems to settle her on those days where she is super confused and on repeat.

Just reassure her everything is ok and keep telling her where to sleep and where to go to the bathroom.
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Bit of humor - my Mom remarked on how comfortable her bed is. I told her it was the memory foam. She said "Maybe it will help me with my memories." We laughed.
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Same thing here. I tell my Mom that as she's 90, of course her memory gets tired. When the sun goes down, her memory for the day goes with it. I assure her that it will be ok in the morning (it isn't) and that she's not to worry - she's right where she's supposed to be and I'm taking care of her. She says hearing this "Is a weight off her."
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She wouldn’t know what you meant and if she did, why tell her and upset her. At least she is asking for the bathroom instead of just going in her undies.
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Nice that she gets to live with her family.

Just keep her happy and be thankful she can still ask where the bathroom is.

Prayers
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Grandmais98: No, there is no need to state to her that she has dementia. There would be no real benefit to that.
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Also read Bob De Marco and Rachael Wonderlin online. they helped me tremendously. Routine will make it easier for your grandmother. My mother always surprised me when she was able to learn something new. Never underestimate a person with dementia.
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* Depends what you think will change once you tell her this and
* What is your objective?
* In your view, if she doesn't remember / has no memory, what is the point? In a split second, she'll not know what you said and/or understand what you say means. It would help you understand if you:
* Read/google TEEPA SNOW. She is one of the country's leading experts on dementia and offers webinars to assist family / care providers on how to interact with people inflicted with dementia.
* Are you saying you 'don't know anything' or she looks at you like this - with a blank stare? Her brain does not 'take in this new information' so the blank look would make sense. "She isn't in there as she used to be" and we really do not know what she may be feeling or how/what she processes incoming dialogue / words, or even colors, objects.
* HOLD HER HAND / GENTLY TOUCH HER in loving ways. Hopefully this will feel good to her; you'll know soon enough by her expression(s) / reactions if it feels good or frightening to her.
- You do not need to speak.
- Play quiet / soothing music and smile at her.
* Don't over think this - be present with her. That is 110% enough.
* Talk to a social worker; call your local senior services through the county and/or
* Call the Alzheimer's Association for local referrals. Gena
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No. She already knows. Telling her won't help and may cause harm.
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Moving to a new place can create a little more confusion that before. Her old routine of 'her' bed and where her bathroom is has been changed. She may never really get it about her new bed and location of the bathroom and there's nothing you can really do to fix that. If she is questioning these things daily, I see no point in telling her she has dementia. Probably wouldn't understand it, there's nothing she can do about it, and will she even remember what you said an hour from now.

If she happens to have any moments of clarity - probably from long ago - be prepared to record what she says. After she is gone you will wish to hear her voice or remember one of the stories.
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Tell Grandma how much you love her.
Tell her what you appreciate about her.
Tell her a memory of her that makes you happy or proud.
(Write these memories down, to help you remember.)
Tell her that she is precious and beloved.

One day, you'll look back, and be so glad you did.
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My mother is at the moderately advanced stage of dementia now where she can't even remember what she's talking about. Yet, if I were to tell her she has dementia, she'd vehemently deny it. She will tell me she's 'going crazy' every single day, b/c she knows SOMETHING is wrong with her mind, but it's definitely 'not dementia'. She has 'no business' living in Memory Care, either, because she's 'not crazy, the others are though and THEY belong there' not her.

Dementia has no logic to it. That being the case, there is no 'right or wrong' way to handle it. We have to enter THEIR reality and go with the flow. Trying to apply OUR rules of 'normalcy' to a disease that HAS no normalcy to it, makes NO sense.

My favorite line is when I read a person saying they're 'a good church going gal so fibbing goes against their religion.' Whhhaaaaaaat? Again, WE have to enter THEIR reality and make up new rules as we go along. If fibbing helps our loved one get thru their day, fib away.

Tell grandma whatever she needs to hear to HELP her, in other words. If telling her she has 'dementia' will help her in some way, then do it. If you think she'll forget what you tell her the instant the words leave your lips, act accordingly.
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Telling her will have no meaning for her.
Tell her that she is safe.
Tell her that you love her.
Tell her you will be there for her when she needs help.
Hold her hand.
Give her a hug, if you get one back all the better.

For yourself...
Ask for help when you need it.
Accept help when it is offered.
Hire caregivers to help. (grandma pays for them with her assets.)
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Would the label have any meaning for her? Concentrate on keeping her safe and comfortable and helping her with the things she cannot manage on her own. Be ready to hire some additional help if your grandmosther's care becomes too much for you alone.
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It's very good of you to take care of your grandmother. Lower the bar of your expectations. People with dementia are confused, and cannot make good decisions about themselves. You will have to do this for her. This can be draining for you, especially over time. And she may get worse. My mother with advanced demenia cannot feed herself or do anything for herself. Are you able to get an aide to take care of her for part of the day so that you can get a break? You could have the aide in the morning to help her get dressed and bathe, or in the evening to help her get ready for bed (and bathe in the evening). Do what you need to do for her with adult incontinence pads, pads on her bed and if you get her new clothes, get clothes that are easy to get on and off, like pants with elastic waists, crew neck tops that are easy to pull over her head, etc. Don't tell her she has dementia. She won't understand or remember anyway, so why give her anxiety or stress? With dementia, you have to take things day by day and accept people and their capabilities as they are. They are not this way by choice.
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My mom lived with us for 5 years when she had Alzheimer's. She once saw a box of her medicine patches, and she read the word Alzheimer's. She asked who had it, and I said she did, but that medicine would help her. (Sometimes medicine helps in the short run, and sometimes it doesn't, but I wasn't going to tell her that.) Some days she knew her brain wasn't at top form, and other days she didn't. I guess it's an individual choice. i even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." Best of luck.
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My mother had dementia and I'd tell her often that she has dementia. I'd explain that it wasn't anything she did or didn't do. That her brain will get tired and forget things or would create stories that wasn't true. But that I will always tell her the true so all she'd have to do is ask. She lived in memory care and the caretakers weren't keen on my honesty. But it gave my mom such peace at knowing that she wasn't going crazy. That we understood that something was happening to her and we were looking out for her. You can try the same to see how your grandma reacts. Maybe it won't mean anything to her. Or maybe it'll mean everything. Good luck!
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rlljvl20 May 2021
My mom had late onset dementia and her short-term memory was very short indeed. She definitely recognized her memory issues and we would talk about it as just...‘that’s the way it is’ and not dwell on it. Mom always had a positive, loving attitude which made her journey down this path easier for her and her family. Assisted Living was mom’s home for her last 16 months and the care she received, especially during Covid-19, was a gift to her and to me.
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As long as "dementia" is stigmatized, I question why anyone would want to use that word with a loved one.
In this case, what would be the point? Your grandmother lives in the moment, so I suggest you answer her questions and immediately change the subject to something positive for her or play her favorite music. - You might also want to hang a sign with an arrow pointing to her room.
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Tell her what has meaning for her. Starting with "everything is okay. I'm here, and I will help you."

From there, answer her questions truthfully and in a way that, again, will mean something to her. I doubt if that will include using the term "dementia" specifically, but it is fine to explain to her that her memory is not working as it should, so she and you will find other ways to manage.

How are you getting on with the tedious questions? One trick to stop yourself grinding your teeth over them is to pretend that, just as she doesn't remember the answer, you don't remember her having asked before.
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So sorry. My dad put on aricept slows progression. Really helped with all the accusations. Drove me crazy.
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As for questions - I’ve realized that my Mom doesn’t always care that you don’t respond to a question. It seems to be a fleeting thought and then gone. Take a pause and see - that will help the repetitive circles and your mental health. Also as for caretaking at home: it is a distressing call to service. I took a step back and asked myself - what does her disease need? She needs routine-routine-routine, nutrition, eyes on her 24/7, immediate help even if something goes south quickly, and how compliant was she likely to be with me? I quickly realized that as distressing as it was, if we had the $$ means, she was better off close by me in assisted care, than living with me. Some guilt remains but a mental professional can help you work thru that if needed. You are at your best for her and with her, when you have sleep and the peace of mind that comes with knowing she is safe. Then you visit as often as is reasonable - not because she knows who you are, but because it is the right and moral thing to do. Go to the support groups available and use this forum. Both are true blessings indeed.
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Think about it this way; if she has very little short term memory telling her isn’t likely to accomplish anything because she won’t remember and in my experience, it will either upset her because she has some memory or gut reaction to what that means or she just won’t understand what you are telling her anyway. That said you know her best so if she is in a place where she is accepting of anything and it’s important to you go ahead and try but I wouldn’t choose to. I choose to simply join Mom where she is and have the same conversations, behave as though it isn’t odd, upsetting her and me simply isn’t productive and I want to keep as joyful and pleasant a world for her and for me as possible, if that makes any sense to you. I don’t know anything about the situation but there is a good chance her questions are only going to increase. On the other hand maybe she will get used to the new routine eventually. Moves are hard on people with dementia, orienting to a new place and new routine but that doesn’t mean they won’t get lost in their own house or think they are somewhere else anyway. I have to echo that my concern is for you, this move may be harder on you both emotionally and physically than you think, especially if she doesn’t know who you you are, that can be so hard. If it’s been this way for a while and you are used to it however as long as she knows you are someone she can trust that will be easier on both of you but still emotionally hard. You are special for taking this on and I have to imagine you have had a special bond with your grandmother, sending you both strength and joy.
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She is not there, she can't help it. People with dementia often accuse others of stealing. She is confused and paranoid. I know it must be hurtful to hear her say those things, but try to ignore it.
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Be thankful that your grandma has good health. No do not tell her she has dementia, just help her. I would get a camera app so you can watch her on your phone if you go to store etc.
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You are a wonderful granddaughter to let your grandmom move in with you. This may be a difficult journey even if you are familiar with memory loss; if you are not, please watch the youtube video recommended by funkygrandma59 and read the book the "36 hour day". It will enlighten you. The brain of a person with dementia doesn't work like it used to and that is sometimes hard for caregivers to understand. She has to ask where the bathroom is and where she should sleep because she absolutely can't remember. Her bridge to memory even 5 minutes ago no longer exist. As one poster said be thankful that she remembers to use the bathroom and doesn't sundown. But we all have our limits so when she needs more care than you can give, drop the guilt and find her a good place to live with professionals who can provide care.

You will find lots of good advice and guidance on this forum and whenever you have a question or need to vent.... just log on and type. This forum is open 25/8!
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