I talked to Mom this morning and she was upset because she felt like one of my siblings had taken some thread, needles, and some misc things that she wanted certain siblings to have. Mom tends to throw away, give away, or just plain misplace(I've went over there and found these things before so it does happen) and she told me she was going to the Sheriff's department and report this sibling. I'm so over my other siblings(other than this one-who gets blamed for everything as well as I do) believing these things that this is it for me. No more will I go over Mom's nor listen to this stuff. She is beyond being sick--Mom was like this before Parkinson/dementia and she will never change.
She also had accused me of taking pictures before and I go over and find them or tell her on the phone where she puts them but she gets all the other siblings involved and then "forgets" to tell them that she or I have found them which after their calls to me I tell them where they were.
Does anyone else have these problems? Like I said Mom has always been like this, she loves to stir up problems amongst us siblings and I'm so over it.
I think this will break my siblings heart and that she will never, like me, will go over and see Mom again..which is a shame since we are the only ones that does things for Mom. Thanks for listening.
Dear Brothers and Sisters:
As you are all aware, Mom is very ill with Parkinsons/dementia. On many occasions, due to her illness Mom now makes up stories about items being stolen from her, when in fact she has simply misplaced these items and I normally go to her house and help her find where she has laid them.
These incorrect accusations have in the past caused discord within our family and arguments have broken out between us because we did not know whom to believe. Let me assure you that Mom's medical condition has made this worse and as her illness progresses it will undoubtedly continue to worsen.
I am requesting that each of you take this into account when you receive phone calls from Mom making such accusations. Taking care of Mom and checking on her is very difficult at times and it is taking a toll on me. This being the case I would like to ask that when these calls come to your home, please disregard them. I am exhausted and quite honestly cannot handle going over each offense she believes has been perpetuated against her.
We need to work together as a family unit knowing that Mom's illness will only progress and her "stories" will probably increase along with the illness. Please let us all stand together as a united front and not make false accusations ourselves against each other.
I love and appreciate you all as my brothers and sisters and hope you will stand with me on this issue.
Sincerely............
I am sure you could word it better but you get my idea, be nice but basically tell them you cannot continue to be their sounding board or person to run to. It is to mentally and emotionally draining.
suggesting in your case is getting A NANNY CAM, set it up...
SIT a bit off to the side so you're not blocking the CAMERA'S VIEW of her...
If you stay calm, SHE WILL most likely...
you need to think in a SELF protective way...
(I apologize for my voice activation Android, just isn't perfect)
Get a Nanny Cam. I just saw one, a mini digital clock with a hidden nanny cam, can be set in full record mode or motion activated, functions like a webcam, hooks up and downloads to your computer...all for $65. Said you had to buy something called an SD card, I didn't follow that up or check the price but this is probably a viable option. Why record mom (or dad)?
I found that all elders.even up to moderate dementia patients, either have lucid moments or can be brought to a place of calmness and lucidity if you talk long enough with them and give them enough attention. What I'm suggesting you do in your case is getting any can, set it up to point at moms favorite chair, set a bit off to the side so you're not blocking the camera review of her and begin a conversation about the things that bother you. Like her accusations of theft. You your self need to talk in a very calm almost hypnotic manner and bring these things up. Let her flare air up if she needs to, all the better to capture that on video for your family to watch later. They don't see her behavior like you do and this will help them SEE, see? If she flares up, keep being calm and talk her down from her position. You will usually be able to bring her to a place of acquiescence. Like first she flares, then you talk a bit and say something like, now Mon you really don't think Janey would take your thread do you? If she still think so, good. Then you say mom, I can't believe that Jamie would take your thread, she doesn't even need thread, do you really think she needs thread? Eventually if you stay calm, sure most likely begin to agree with you. Once you master this the skill and you have these personalities flips in more than one instance, you can show the videos to your family. Having these could also help you with a doctor, law enforcement or Adult Protective Services should the need arise. When professionals actually witness what you have recorded, they will then understand condition they're dealing with and it will take the suspicion out of their minds regarding what your mother says about any of you.
It's a little research and money and time to get started but you need to think in a cell phone protective way when you've got someone who is functioning in this manner. In my opinion of course.
I figured if I stay out of the picture either everyone else(which I seriously doubt) will step up to plate and "See" what's going on or Mom will end up in the nursing home on her own accord.
I know you love your Mom as I do mine but mine is really pushes that sometimes and this is one of them. I just need some time away from this stress. Hugs
I remember how helpful it was when a social worker told me that my mother's behavior was very typical of dementia. She'd forget where she put something and accuse us of taking it. She's gotten so bad that she forgets where she put things she hasn't even OWNED in 40 years and accuses us of taking them.
When someone comes over from Home Health Care, etc., she tells them awful lies about how we abuse her and how mean we are. I called her on that one day as it was happening, and told her that if she felt she was not getting adequate care from her daughters, then we would find a care facility for her where she would have full-time professional medical care 24/7. She knows that means nursing home, so she stopped her complaining and lying.
But none of my siblings will agree. They don't want to get involved nor come around to see how bad Mom's health/mind is.
Today at Church a lady that goes and checks on Mom through Triade(it's through the Sheriff's dept that I signed Mom up with) said that when she's there with Mom that she only talks about what I do for her.
How do you force siblings to take a step up to the plate and realize that Mom is not right? If you can answer this, I sure will try it because I've tried everything and nothing has worked with them. It seems like they don't care nor do they want to get involved. But when Mom calls them and is speaking out of her head or doing something weird, they call me about it...go figure.
If this continues you are going to be very sorry because it is going to get worse with your Mom and her stories and you cannot keep blaming each other for things your Mom says.
My mother has moderate dementia and she loses things all the time and then accuses my sister and I of taking them or throwing them away. She kept losing the checkbook so I had to take it away and hide it from her, so it would not wind up in the trash. This behavior is PART OF THIS DISEASE.....IT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BE FIGHTING OVER WITH YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS!
You all have got to grow up and cut out the BS between all of you. Someone in your family has got to be the sane person who is going to help take care of Mom not beat the crap out of each other over things that Mom has said.
At Christmas we were taking pictures and I told Mom to smile and she refused, saying that I had told her that she had a terrible goofy smile! I said, "Mom when did I ever say that?" I was crying and my other family members were looking at me like I was a horrible person. My sister finally said, "Don't worry we know it's the disease talking!" I was horrified, but everyone realized that this is all part of the disease and knew that I would never say or do anything to hurt my Mom.
We all have had the same exact problems that you are having. The problem is you believe that the statements she is making are rational even if they are mean or blaming someone else for her problems. What you have not realized is that she is VERY ILL and none of you can believe these outrageous statements any longer. You have got to realize her accusations are without merit. Rather than calling the next sibling and screaming at them you need to feel sorry for Mom and her false accusations and you need to stand together as a united front....the bickering and fighting between you all has to stop now.
There are support groups all across the United States, you all need to attend the meetings and learn about her disease so you can better understand what is happening and how best to handle her and each other.
Good Luck and God Bless you All!
I normally would not say anything but this time my sister needs to know so she can be prepared if she gets a visit from the sheriff's dept..which another sister said they would just laugh and leave it at that but I'm not so sure about that.
Bottom line is, right now I need to stay away from her until I feel more calmer. I have 2 more Chemos to go and then surgery and this will help me to feel better without all of this stress with Mom. Thanks for listening..
My mom accused an neighbor and my brother of breaking into her bank and stealing money, etc....it was not possible. She is stuck on this and it hurt my sibs feelings, but we ignore. She reported to police but couldn't get her story straight, then police called me and I explained her condition and they didn't pursue.
She brings the same incident up, accused me of stealing other things which I go over and locate for her. Unfortunately, this is a vicious cycle. I admittedly have to be in the mood, calm and well rested to deal with her and that's how I cope. I'm not full time caregiver so I don't chose to deal with it unless I have to.
I'm sorry you are going thru this. Please talk with sibs and family and have everyone understand its the disease and even though she was like this previously the age and disease exascerbates this condition. Ignore what you can. Explain to your other sibs you don't want this to tear you apart and when each hears the "crap from mom" to not jump to conclusions.
When you can't stand it, tell her to go ahead and call the police but they will then know she has dementia and these accusations will be unfounded....