I just found out my sister went to my father behind my back and basically told him she can take over as power of attorney. This matter was never discussed between us. My father agreed, the state he is in, he will agree to anything- he doesn't care anymore what happens and told me so. I suggested that we share POA and she flipped on me and refuses to even consider the option. My father used to talk to me about concerns he had when my sister was acting as POA over my mom and I defended her left and right. Now, though, that she is so insistent that I not be involved it is making me wonder if I have a reason to be concerned about him too. She is not even open to sitting down with someone to discuss our options together. She is more concerned with help cleaning our father's house. It IS a disaster and I have told her I would help however and whenever it is possible. My children are both 9 and 7 and my husband works night shift and weekends, so being there as often as she can be is not an option. Therefore my contributions to some of the physical labor she wants me to do is not sufficient to her. Mind you, she hasn't even given me a key to get up there when I can, so for now, I am restricted to going when she is there. All she wants of me is the help with the house. The rest is the "easy part" according to her and she does not want or need my involvement. She is getting so angry with me about this and shutting me out, it is going to damage our relationship and she doesn't seem to care. Am I wrong to be concerned?
The amount of distrust in this situation is sad. Your father apparently did not trust his daughter to take care of his ex-wife's funds. He communicated that distrust to you. In spite of that, he let her have his POA. (Perhaps, as you say, under undue influence.) You now don't trust your sister to manage his finances propertly without you looking over her shoulder. Your sister doesn't trust you with a key to his house. Sad, sad, sad. If you both want to salvage the relationship you have/could have, perhaps family therapy could help. It doesn't look like you're going to get very far without some outside help on that issue. Your sister is going to be around long after your dad is. Would it be worth it to try to work on this relationship?
Who is seeing to Dad's day-to-day needs? Is he living in this disaster of a house or is he in long-term care? He sounds depressed. Is that being addressed? I don't know what his current state is, but dementia is progressive and it is likely he won't always be able to live on his own, if he is now. Does he have lots of resources and assets to pay for his care?
Too much unknown here to be very specific with advice. My heart goes out to you and to your sister. Caregiving an elder is hard enough, without other family conflict.s
I hope you can resolve this and restore harmony.
I suppose it would be possible to get the POA declared invalid on the grounds that he was not legally competent to make that kind of decision at the time it was made. Then what? Do you want the courts to appoint someone to look after his finances and other business issues? If he wasn't competent to appoint Sister, he wouldn't be competent to appoint you.
This is the part of life that I cannot stand. Hateful and jealous feelings abound over a family member's estate. This should be a time for a family to come together to care for each other, not fight over who does what, gets what. These are things that I REFUSE to argue over and there should be no argument with your sister, and if there is, then she is surely up to something no good,and it must be stopped. Take action to make it right NOW.
Be Well - Sue
If your sister is not forthcoming with ALL actions concerning transactions made on behalf of your father, then she is not acting in your father's best interest, PERIOD. You must take legal action NOW to protect what is left of your father's estate.
It may be, in this case better for an outside disinterested party to be appointed as your father's advocate.
Other things are within Sister's control. She could, if she chooses, show you how she is handling his finances. She could trust you enough to give you a key to the house. She could try to be a caring sister instead of a suspicious adversary. But she has no legal obligation to do any of these things, and I don't think you have any legal means to force her to.
But it would be good for both of you if you could heal this rift. If she won't consider family counselling for the two of you, I suggest you get counselling for yourself.
I must beg to differ with your answer about the sister's legal obligations. POAs are a legal document allowing another person to act responsibly for the person who appointed them. My Mom and Dad have given me a Financial POA to act for them, and I have given my Dad and brother a POA to act for me should I be unable to act for myself. I am also ill with a condition called Fibromyalgia and have been disabled and unable to work since 2000. My condition has been in remission (better but not gone) for the past couple of years but if I'm overly stressed or physically work too hard I sleep for 24 hrs and then am able to move again. I can, if necessary really push myself if necessary to get up and help if needed, but my parents (even my Mother) know it is better for my health to let me rest.
Anyway, all that aside, MAMs96 is legally able to demand an accounting of how her sister is conducting her father's affairs. Start with a certified letter. If she does not respond to that, then go to an attorney and have him draft a demand. I'd hate to think that those actions would not make her understand, but you can take her to court. Like I said in an earlier post, if the family cannot agree on the POAl, and Dad is not competent enough to understand what is going on (and from the sound of it, he is not) then it may be better to have an outside party (usually a bank official) act on he father's behalf. Not the best way to have things happen, but it may be necessary.
MAMs, if you cannot afford an attorney, contact your County's Elder Services, they may be able to help you.
Be Well - Sue
Maybe it varies by state. I don't know! But to whom is the POA accountable, other than the person who assigns him that duty? Can any relative demand an accounting, as you understand it? Only certain relatives? What about, say a life partner? A best friend? Who is legally able to demand an accounting of how the POA is conducting the affairs?
Maybe sending a certified letter would prod someone into showing some records, so it might not be a bad tactic.
But, assuming that the POA is a general power of attorney covering all financial matters, there is nothing you can do to hold him accountable. If there are limitations stated in the POA and he oversteps the authority of the POA, you could file a civil action against him dealing with the specific violations.
I am in a similar situation. What I have learned is this. My mom likes playing these power games with her two children. My brother is on an ego trip and always has been. And I am the scapegoat of the family and always treated this way.
My advice to you is, at this point, if you are not included in at the very least calm discussions with your sister, do not clean the house or anything else. If you are not good enough to know what is going on with all parts of your father's care, then back out.
I suspect she is hiding something, or maybe she has always liked being "in control". Explain to your father how you feel and what is going on. If nothing changes, do nothing. I have tried for four years to get mom to put me on her POA as alternate in case I have to take over at some point in the future. She has only my brother on her POA and no one to fill his shoes if he dies. She refuses, even going to the point of making up lies about me as to why she won't do this.
Like the saying, "oh, what webs we weave, when we pratice to deceive." I think your sister is hiding something. Unless there is clear and open communication, back off, don't clean the house or anything else. She will use and abuse you. But like many have already said, she is in complete control and doesn't have to share anything with you. But she can be made accountable for what she spends and how she spends it. It sounds as if your relationship is somewaht like I have with my brother. As long as I defer to him and give him due respect, he is lovely. But if he is not in charge, well.......everyone look out.
In the end you have control of only you. You may not agree with me, but in my case I will do nothing until I am included and made to feel like a sister/daugher in my family. Otherwise I would feel used and that is not going to happen. Good luck.
The more assets the more conflict. I take care of my mother and I don't have poa. I think it is better for a good attorney to have the poa and be the executor of the will. It cuts down on alot of conflict and doesn't put one child on a pedestal. I have two siblings who rarely come see my mother. They tried to say both of my parents were legally incompetent. Turns out that my dad, who had dementia, wasn't considered incompetent because you could ask him a question and he knew what he wanted. I don't think it's that easy to find someone incompetent. Is there another family member that you could have handle all of this? Your health issues are soooo much more important than dealing with this junk. I'd call the authorities if you are concerned that your sister is taking advantage, but I can tell you that my two siblings believe that about me and it couldn't be further from the truth. Hang in there and remember in the end it's still just money.
This might not be the correct time to ask, but what do you mean she and her sister will never know peace again.
Thank you and hugs to you.