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What do I do when my sister is hysterical on the phone because my dad messed up again as he so often does. He blocked up the toilet and she had water running almost into her bedroom and had to clean up the mess after him yet again on her empty stomach early morning. Shame, she just said earlier that he is more passive and she can cope better now with him. And 10min later, she is hysterical. She has mopped up after him too often. Worse, we grew up with him visiting part-time and caused a lot of unhappiness in the home with my mom, so we feel that we don't mind looking out or after him, so to speak, as there is no one else to do it, but when you sit with a faeces problem first thing in the morning, or anytime for that matter, its really tough. Anyone else in a similar situation?

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Thanks. Her meds seem to be constipating her so when she does go, wow! Her doctor has added Probiatic and a stool softening to the gzillion other meds she's taking.
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nana1ck, you modify his diet with stool softening foods, like applesauce or prunes/prune juice. Or you give him dulcolax every day.
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What do you do when your parent's stool is so long and thick that it clogs the toilet up.
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Hysterical sisters (or anyone, really) always get a good slap on the face in movies, but since we're all in this surreal reality, perhaps counselling or respite is the more humane answer.
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LoveDaddy, Great advice using the example of the oxygen mask!
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It is interesting that you say these mishaps occur when she is on her own caring for him (holiday or weekend). I find that with my Dad he is very sensitive to his routine. It may seem like he is purposefully doing these things, but his ability to communicate his frustration is likely impaired or he may just be "off" because his routine is different. My Dad tends to take more risks and be more needy when his routine is changed, even slightly. Your sister's hysteria is understandable. As for what you can do, just listen. If you are able to offer to help on those days when outside help is unavailable to her, do so. The problem is this constant stress is not good for your sister and assuming she is the primary caregiver, she needs to care for herself tool. It may take convincing; it always does with my Mom. I often tell her that's why on a plane they instruct you to put your own oxygen mask on first before your child; you can't care for others if you're not in good shape. Good luck.
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Turn the water off on the back of the toliet. after he, uses it go in and check it and flush it to make sure it doesn't over flow. Inconvenient, but easier than cleaning up after. ps...keep a plunger by the toliet...been there....
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Well you're amazing cleaning up after all 3. I always liked Dr Phil and he says people take advantage because they can. We are the good ones :). My dad kept pushing our buttons because he could, until we decided its enough in certain behaviours. But my sister cant cope with his mess anymore and really she shouldn't. I've always supported her. Due to him having been absent from our lives and more of a visitor, we siblings stuck together with my late brother.
Difficult for us to go anti-diarrhea, because of his prostrate problem. Constipation or a hint thereof will put us in bigger trouble. His bladder swells and then he cant urinate and due to the swelling he cant have no2 either, then we end up at hospitals in the dead of night as we've so often done. At this time he is in and out of the bathroom and uses toilet paper like it air. So full-time care is the answer at this stage. It will get worse and we are not prepared or willing any longer. Its a decision we've come to after this last episode.

I don't understand some parents. The nastiness or demands on the children. I have sons and wouldn't put them through it, after all Im going to end up with DIL :). But I think the nasty behaviour comes from a place of unhappiness. The haven't arrived at that peaceful place as they aged.
Your brother is lucky, so is your nephew.
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My mom does have Alzheimer's and my brother (50) and nephew (29) live there because it's free. I go over every morning and clean up after all 3 of them. But a body there at night could be a good thing. They are all a challenge let me tell you! As far as my mom, I also give her a calcium every day and a banana, both binding. An anti-diarrhea pill if I spot any problems. She is too lazy to wander so don't have to worry about that. She does crossword puzzles all day, and fills out what she can. In the past I have found underwear in the refrigerator, but that was about 5 years ago. Don't be afraid to mess with his meds. About half of them have diarrhea as a side effect. So my mom got to keep her meds that I felt were medically necessary, but anything else went or was cut in half, including dementia meds. I must say sometimes I think she's better now than she was 5 years ago.
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Wish we had left him in his own home to be honest, but he couldn't stay there at the time. Problem is with dementia, he was flirting with his step-daughter and she was fine with it as she needed a home at 60, but he was being abused by her children, financially and eventually physically. Its taken a lot from us too as we were running back and forth with food and meds and doctors. As I've said earlier on, he came with a lot of trouble.
He too eats a lot in bed and messes, but the 'help' manages to clean up.
Its taken its toll on us. With no other help or interest from his family, its been tough.

Hats off to you for your diligence and caring. Does your mom have dementia and able to live alone? He would not have coped.
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I would tell the Doctor and see if they can change his meds if it's not something your not comfortable doing. I got a CNA license so I would know what to do with my mom as far as taking care of her and it has helped so far. She takes half of a Peroxitine and it makes her a little eating machine. Her heart Doctor said, sometimes the elderly need pediatric doses. He was the only one who understood! And dizziness is a big side effect of a lot of drugs. Then you have them falling down. I use a lot of pads. On my mom's bed. her couch, her sheets, anything to keep the laundry down. My mom likes to eat in bed. so her bedtime snack are not chocolate!!! She still lives in her own home at 90 but I go there every morning and get her showered and going for the day. Stop later on too if I have time.
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Chicago1954, actually you're quite right. he does wander too. He ran away when we took a break away for only 2days and got 2 of his adult grand-sons to care for him. They did a sterling job, but he was angry, so he disappeared and took public transport to get to his house who now have a tenant. He insisted he wanted to go back to his house. My sister and I had to go looking for him after getting a call from the neighbours. He gets a private pension but we've had to fork out a lot for medical bills as his is not adequate. No he has no private medical assistance.
He takes a lot for the little he put in.
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Dianlisa, yes I think he does fear upsetting her, but we don't understand that he has fear instead of not knowing what he is doing. We think he doesn't know, and yet my sister insist that he does sometimes. Confusing.

We've also gone passive with him, but its difficult with her when she has to deal with all this just when she is off work. Have we tried....everything :) Whew!
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wander? I mean wonder.
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Yes, he needs full time care. Besides the mayonnaise episodes, he might actually wander away and meet with disaster.

Mother was bowel incontinent until she went to the NH. They don't put up with much diarrhea and they get the doctors to treat it - which we tried to do as a family. But, it is different when a nurse just comes in and gives you your meds.

I wander, since he was an absentee family, whether he has the resources for NH or if you would have to file for medicaid for him.

My dad raised us, but had a temper. No way would I feel obligated to care for him in my home.
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Yeah meds are not my best friend either. He is diabetic and to my dismay, I've inherited some of his ailments. The metformin can do that as well, but he only takes one and I've told my sister to alternate days due to him then not eating because it also curbs the appetite. But he has a prostrate problem and when it swells, he becomes constipated and then my sister have to give him something to flush, and then it is worst thing in the world, because there is no control.
Six of the one, half a doz of the other. A no win situation.
Extremely hard when you're not a 'natural' nurse.
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quiltinrealtor makes a good point – take a look at the side effects of all the meds. Many, many elderly are overly medicated (there's even a name for it: polypharmacy). Doctors add meds, but very often don't review them so some can be discontinued. A doctor will prescribe meds if there's even a small chance of efficacy, even if the use of the drug causes side effects that degrade quality of life. Having uncontrollable bowel movements at home and in public would be at the top of anyone's list of 'quality of life issues'!!
Also, for a very elderly person with multiple health problems, there's really no argument for the use of drugs that attempt to 'cure' conditions that are not painful.
Diarrhea is a side effect of lots of drugs.
If I had a choice between going off of Aricept, Lovastatin, etc... or soiling myself in public and my child having to clean up after me, I'd flush the drugs down the toilet pronto.
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I had a problem with my mother about 5 or 6 years ago. I was cleaning the carpet constantly as she wasn't quite making it to the bathroom. I went through all the side effects on her meds and took her off anything that wasn't absolutely necessary if the side effect was diarrhea. She has been fine ever since for the most part. She is 90 now and it was the smartest thing I ever did. That is probably the one thing that is the hardest to handle. It probably puts more people in nursing homes than anything else.
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Thank you all so much again for all the answers and I really admire your spirit and courage. I think I am a coward. I doubt I could cope. We took care of my mom for a short time before she passed. She was only 72 and had heart problems and we never had to clean up after her. When my sister took in my dad almost 5years ago from the awful step-family who were all in his house, after his wife died, she meant well. He was forced out of his own home. So he came with baggage and trouble. He was very demanding then and we tried very hard with him. Its really not been a happy reunion, but we persisted. He was 80yrs old then and could not assert himself with them, but he certainly did so with us and we being his own kids kind of obeyed or tried compromising. Just when we think we have it under control, as murphy's law would have it, its back to square one. She thought she had it under control with tablets and what he should eat, but he will finish a whole bag of apples during the night and eats three bananas and avos all at once, because he sleeps a lot during the day. It has now become too much and we've decided to get him into a good facility. It might do him good to have other people around he can make friends with. Its very difficult with dementia because one never knows when they're 'ok' and when not or rather when they can comprehend and make sense. its really dodgy :)
I sympathise with all of you. And wish you all the very best and strength.
Its good to know we're not alone in all this, even when I wish it weren't under these circumstances..
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After my big long explanation on the meds we use for my dad I realized that the original post didn't say if the clog was from toilet paper or stool. In the case it might be the toilet paper, when I did have a plumber come out once, he recommended that we use single ply very thing tp and that would minimize clogs from too much paper - since that wasn't our problem I stay with the nice thick Cottonelle - it sure helps me clean him up when he does get messy -- I keep small trash bags, plastic gloves, paper towels and an extra pair of lounge pants under both of my bathroom sinks. I throw the plastic gloves (since I bought and use these I don't gag anymore) and all the paper, including toilet paper that has been folded up for clean up, into the plastic trash bag (I don't try to flush anything except poop at this point) and when all the clean up is done I tie the plastic bag up very tightly and take it out to the garbage bin. Once I got prepared it sure made everything easier and I can help him with love and kindness showing instead of despair and anger.
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I take care of my dad who has loose bowel explosions as well as constipation that clogs the toilet. First thing I did for the loose stools was to monitor his eating -- at almost 92 he loves sugar and after a binge, I too, am cleaning stool off the walls, out of carpet as well as in public places. My dad's doctor just doesn't understand that when I say he had an accident the magnitude of the damage it can do -- both to my dads dignity and self esteem and to private and personal property (we have replaced the carpet in the condo's elevator - had community areas professionally steam cleaned in his building as well as replacing floor coverings in my home now that he is with me) -- when he would have an accident he would be very ashamed and apologetic. So I took matters in my own hands and added a couple of OTC medications to his daily regimen (talked to his doc first of course). He gets an anti diarrheal med first thing in am with other meds - I use a store brand generic for immodium -- this keeps the "explosions" from happening and if he feels one coming on it gives in time to get to the bathroom. For the clogging of the toilet from constipation or big hard stool, every night with his meds I give him a stool softener (NOT LAXATIVE) and I use Dulcolax stool softener - he has a nice easy controlled bowel movement every am. As for he sugar issue - I find that if he eats a regular meal before having the sugar it doesn't affect his bowelmovements HOWEVER if I am at work and he decides that he is not hungry for his meal and just binges on sweets I can tell as he tries to hurry down the hallway to the bathroom - even with that the meds are a life saver --
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In caring for our aging parents it is very easy to lose sight of the big picture when you are wholly absorbed by the endless tasks and calamities that make up each day. Periodically, it helps to step back and take an objective look at your situation.
I'm 'sliding down the slippery slope' in caring for my father (who still lives in his own home). You keep adding to the list of things you're doing for them and their needs are taking a bigger and bigger chunk out of your day. Sometimes, I imagine the person I was five years ago looking at the person I am now and imagine how stunned she would be if told her how far she would go in taking care of dad!
It happens gradually and it's hard to identify which day should be the one where you decide "it can't go on like this."
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Yes paid visitandhelp your sister out. Yes parent goes in bathroom and fullpaper in toilet.They do go incontinence at time.Yes let him use a depend if you can get him in one. Your sister needs help with him. I have my mother and cleaning all time. She has a loose stool at time and does not tellme. see I cannot call on family . I depend more on my neighbor now.
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is it possible that he fears getting her upset and then that's exactly what happens? i used to get really upset with my dad to the point he would get paralyzed and do exactly the wrong thing. (for the most part) i have calmed down now and it has made a real difference. i support him instead of criticize him and everyone is much happier.
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I am not always well myself, being diabetic. But most of the time I am 'ok'. I am always there for her and have always been since birth. She is much younger than me. We've always been close. Its ok with me when she has the hysterics. She is very fussy with cleanliness and sterilizes everything afterwards. I must confess that I dread the mess. We are now just looking into assisted care asap. Thank you for the answers.
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Do you live close enough to run over and help your sister with the mess? I have had to deal with such messes with my son who has autism and it is much easier for me to cope with them when my husband is home to help. I feel so alone and so overwhelmed when it happens when I am alone with my son and there is no one to help.
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I understand your sister. I had the same problem until I caught on that it only happened if I was on the phone, or putting my feet. And my mother is fully intact of her brain. She is happier when she is in the same room I am in. Now with her decline, she can't get up by herself so the "upsets" are few monthly. It is hard to give constant supervision.
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Your sister needs to have the option to scream and get histerical. My MIL stuffs the jon with toilet paper each time she uses it but won't flush til the end of the day. She goes in cycles doing this and we can never anticipate. I have to go up each day before dark and clean out the bowl to prevent overflow. It aint fun. Especially when MIL gets angry you are in her apartment and I have to literally lock her out of the bathroom to do this. Support your sister any way you can. She needs it.
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I am the one who takes care of Mom. Let your sister get hysterical to you and tell her when you will give her a break to look forward to. I get very upset with NO outside help and it helps just to be able to yell and cry to someone about what's going on. One minute I'm good and the next I feel so upset & stressed the room spins. She is lucky you are concerned about her and and has someone willing to come on a regular schedule. For the kitchen messes...My Mom wanders at night ( she argued with me she doesn't but we have ALL seen her, wide awake rooting through house at 3 am) When our Navy boy was home on leave and she knew he saw her she believed him and "decided" she must be sleep walking. We got 2 little door alarms at Walmart for $9 and they are LOUD! We told her we were putting them up for "her safety" so if she "sleep walks" we'll hear her before anything bad happens. We never even had to put them up. Her sleep walking stopped at just the thought of her knowing we would know how much she actually wanders ( like we didn't know before)
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Thank you to all your answers and support.

She works full-time and have a house-hold helper, but the uncanny part is that he for some reason always but always have these mishaps over a weekend or public holiday when my sister is trying to rest. She is very giving and caters to most of his whims, but there are times when I guess enough is enough, even if he cannot help it. What she doesn't understand is why he never asks for help and wait until it is so bad that its almost out of control. She often gets little sleep because he chooses to fidget in the kitchen at night and uses mayonnaise or cake essence to rub all over himself for some strange reason. She needs a break and I have offered to help in her absence.
I take him out once a week and always offer to help when I can.

I think he needs full-time care and we're exploring our options. He wont like it, but he may be better off that way. It isn't our first choice, but it gets harder all the time. When he messes, it is never in small doses, he'll mess up a whole bedroom or bathroom.
It's not on purpose but it sure is hard.
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