What do I do when my sister is hysterical on the phone because my dad messed up again as he so often does. He blocked up the toilet and she had water running almost into her bedroom and had to clean up the mess after him yet again on her empty stomach early morning. Shame, she just said earlier that he is more passive and she can cope better now with him. And 10min later, she is hysterical. She has mopped up after him too often. Worse, we grew up with him visiting part-time and caused a lot of unhappiness in the home with my mom, so we feel that we don't mind looking out or after him, so to speak, as there is no one else to do it, but when you sit with a faeces problem first thing in the morning, or anytime for that matter, its really tough. Anyone else in a similar situation?
I cared for my dad for 5 years in my home and he was incontinent of bowel (for the most part). He hated wearing Depends and I would have to beg him to wear them.
My dad would awaken earlier than I but I was in that sleep state where I was kind of asleep but was keeping one ear on what he was doing (his room was down the hall from mine, a straight shot). He also had diabetes. If he spent too much time in his room in the morning I knew I would get up to a disaster. There were mornings when I would be scrubbing blood out of the carpet (from wounds on the legs) or wiping down the bathroom that was full of stool. To this day I have no idea how my dad managed to get feces on the shower door!
Or if I hadn't heard any trouble coming from my dad's room in the morning I would wake up, stumble into the kitchen, and before I had a chance to get my coffee my dad would say, sheepishly, "I made a little mess in my room." So I had that waiting for me as soon as I could wake up a little.
It was always something.
I remember being in the position of cleaning and scrubbing all day when my father had C. Diff and it must have plugged him for a year. After each hospitalization that required an antibiotic, it would start all over again. Uncontrollable accidents everywhere. I made sure that he need not feel at fault.
I certainly understand your sister's frustration and a need for a break!
Best Wishes!
sounds to me like your poor sister
needs a break before she has a melt down. I remember going through this
situation with my dad and it's
exhausting and that's just one of the
many chores she.has to complete. If other siblings can help, if even for a
weekend it would really help. Also your sister cannot continue at this pace alone. Your family may want to consider outsourcing daily assistance such as a nurse or consider respite care if just for a short time period. You can also help by researching what assistance is available for your sister. Praying for your family.
She works full-time and have a house-hold helper, but the uncanny part is that he for some reason always but always have these mishaps over a weekend or public holiday when my sister is trying to rest. She is very giving and caters to most of his whims, but there are times when I guess enough is enough, even if he cannot help it. What she doesn't understand is why he never asks for help and wait until it is so bad that its almost out of control. She often gets little sleep because he chooses to fidget in the kitchen at night and uses mayonnaise or cake essence to rub all over himself for some strange reason. She needs a break and I have offered to help in her absence.
I take him out once a week and always offer to help when I can.
I think he needs full-time care and we're exploring our options. He wont like it, but he may be better off that way. It isn't our first choice, but it gets harder all the time. When he messes, it is never in small doses, he'll mess up a whole bedroom or bathroom.
It's not on purpose but it sure is hard.
I'm 'sliding down the slippery slope' in caring for my father (who still lives in his own home). You keep adding to the list of things you're doing for them and their needs are taking a bigger and bigger chunk out of your day. Sometimes, I imagine the person I was five years ago looking at the person I am now and imagine how stunned she would be if told her how far she would go in taking care of dad!
It happens gradually and it's hard to identify which day should be the one where you decide "it can't go on like this."
I sympathise with all of you. And wish you all the very best and strength.
Its good to know we're not alone in all this, even when I wish it weren't under these circumstances..
Also, for a very elderly person with multiple health problems, there's really no argument for the use of drugs that attempt to 'cure' conditions that are not painful.
Diarrhea is a side effect of lots of drugs.
If I had a choice between going off of Aricept, Lovastatin, etc... or soiling myself in public and my child having to clean up after me, I'd flush the drugs down the toilet pronto.
Six of the one, half a doz of the other. A no win situation.
Extremely hard when you're not a 'natural' nurse.
Mother was bowel incontinent until she went to the NH. They don't put up with much diarrhea and they get the doctors to treat it - which we tried to do as a family. But, it is different when a nurse just comes in and gives you your meds.
I wander, since he was an absentee family, whether he has the resources for NH or if you would have to file for medicaid for him.
My dad raised us, but had a temper. No way would I feel obligated to care for him in my home.
We've also gone passive with him, but its difficult with her when she has to deal with all this just when she is off work. Have we tried....everything :) Whew!
He takes a lot for the little he put in.
He too eats a lot in bed and messes, but the 'help' manages to clean up.
Its taken its toll on us. With no other help or interest from his family, its been tough.
Hats off to you for your diligence and caring. Does your mom have dementia and able to live alone? He would not have coped.
Difficult for us to go anti-diarrhea, because of his prostrate problem. Constipation or a hint thereof will put us in bigger trouble. His bladder swells and then he cant urinate and due to the swelling he cant have no2 either, then we end up at hospitals in the dead of night as we've so often done. At this time he is in and out of the bathroom and uses toilet paper like it air. So full-time care is the answer at this stage. It will get worse and we are not prepared or willing any longer. Its a decision we've come to after this last episode.
I don't understand some parents. The nastiness or demands on the children. I have sons and wouldn't put them through it, after all Im going to end up with DIL :). But I think the nasty behaviour comes from a place of unhappiness. The haven't arrived at that peaceful place as they aged.
Your brother is lucky, so is your nephew.