Follow
Share

we brought my dad here from Arizona to Oregon. I have posted about this before. Dad had a fall the very first day he was here at my house. My sister decided she cannot have him live with her so I figure it is all up to me and I go ahead with getting Medicaid started and finding an assisted living near me. I haven't decided yet if I will just get a bigger handicap friendly house or put dad in assisted living. Then my sister decides she will have dad at her house because she thinks he is dying and that he knows it and that we should just share him. This is after I have gone ahead with plans to care for Dad. I guess my question is should I keep going ahead or should I share that with her. he really just wants to be with family but I think he is getting much worse and will need more care than either one of us can give. I already got cut back to part time at my new job because they are scared that I won't be able to be there with all the problems I'm having with dad. I also can't get a caregiver here where I live for a few months but my sister can get one as she lives in a bigger city in about 2 weeks. I know I actually have to make this decision on my own I just kind of needed to vent because there's no one to talk to you about this and my kids are sick of listening to me about it as we have been dealing with this for a few years now. For my sanity the best thing would be for him to be in assisted living but I feel guilty and like I don't want him in my home even though all he does is expect me to wait on him and make meals and he just stares at the TV and ignores me most of the time. Also we can't really have conversations as he can't hear and I have to repeat everything which wears on your nerves after awhile. on my work days I get all of his breakfast ready get myself ready go to work then come home immediately start making dinner then clean up from whatever messes he has made all day then finally get a break about 8 or 9 o'clock to put my feet up and rest. I know all of you are going through the same thing. It's just so damn hard and I don't think our parents realize how selfish they are. Thanks for listening to me ramble you all are the best!

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
My mother sat in her tiny apartment, and later at my sister's, and watched tv endlessly, read magazines, did crosswords, and looked forward to meals. Now she sits in a wheelchair in a nursing home and watches tv (but only certain show, not constantly), reads the paper and magazines, can no longer do crosswords, and looks forward to meals. PLUS she plays bingo a couple times a week, does crafts a few times a months, enjoys live entertainment several times a month, attends a monthly birthday party, rides the center's wheelchair van to WalMart once in a while (where my sister meets her and helps her shop). She has her hair done weekly, without the stress of getting into a car. She has visits from 5 of her 7 kids once a week each.

I'm surprised to say this, but even though she is in an NH instead of an ALF, she life is much more varied and active than when she was living at home. She is content. The sister with whom she was living felt enormous guilt for not being able to keep her longer. But actually the move to professional care was an improvement for Mom.

I feel sorriest for those who have no family to visit them. My sisters and I try to include them a little in our visits.

Never abandon your dear frustrating Dad, please. But you can looks after his needs and especially visit him often, even when he is in a care center.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I'll go out on a limb and say that every caregiver experiences guilt. It goes with the territory. I know I felt guilty all the time but looking back now I see that I had no reason to feel guilty. But I didn't realize that at the time.

What is best for your dad? Living with you? Living with you sister? Or living in an assisted living? That's what you have to figure out. If you feel that your dad is going downhill getting him into assisted living now might be the best option instead of waiting until you have a total train wreck on your hands and trying to work with that.

If your dad seems stable enough leaving him where he is for now might be the best decision. You can get him situated with Medicaid and take the wait-and-see approach.

Or, if you feel as if you just can't care for him (and it's alright to feel that way) then maybe he'd be better off at your sister's.

Good luck with your decision. And it's always good to have options. At some point you won't have options.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

It sounds to me as an outsider as though you and your sister are going through the same mill, with similar feelings about it. Can you and she swap 'pros and cons' sheets and see what you both think about the options? - which might be, e.g.

1. ALF near you. Pros, x y z; cons, a b c.
2. ALF near her " " "
3. Switching houses every 2-3 months (shouldn't take you both long to realise that this would be a nightmare and terribly disruptive for everyone)
4. Stays with you
5. Stays with your sister
+ any others you can think of.

But you are both, in your own ways but also I hope together, going to have to accept that every option has its share of guilt but also physical, financial and nervous wear-and-tear. The key will be to accept that what is happening to your father and the fact that there is no ideal answer is not the fault of either of you, and it would be better for both of you if you could give each other shoulder rubs over the phone and encourage each other to be practical and proportionate about how much you can manage to help your father.

And oh dear God I miss my mother terribly but I do not not not miss having to repeat every dam' sentence and then being told there's no need to shout. Feel for you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

thank you for that. My sister doesn't really want him at her house so I'm not really considering that option although it would be nice at the end of his life to care for him in our homes with family even if he mostly ignores us all day long to stare at the TV. Also he drives us crazy. It's like he lives for food or his life is centered around food. Are you cooking my breakfast? What's for dinner? I would like insert name of dish here for dinner sometime this week. He is fond of saying "not interested" for whatever activity you might think of to take him to or go do. so basically he could get all of his needs met at an assisted living, he just wouldn't be with family. I guess that is what I feel most guilty about. But if you sit and try to talk to him and have a conversation he either can't hear you or turn the tv back on and stares at it so there really is not much of a relationship other than what I can do for him as far as his comfort and his need. In fact that is my favorite saying right now his dad is fine as long as it has to do with his comfort or his needs then he doesn't really care what else is going on. Maybe all old people are like this? I know that there are so many people caring for their parents right now and I wonder what will happen to us, I mean the 30% that will die before the person they are caring for and then the 70% will have no job and no retirement and no friends left and have to try to rebuild their life at age 60 or 70. It's just not fair. Maybe we are fall letting this happen to us? that is why I am leaning towards the assisted living because even if he is not with family at least I will have my sanity and he will have all his needs met.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I think assisted living sounds best for your dad. There's no reason to continue with the stress of caring for him in your home if he's neither appreciative or able to understand how hard it is on you and your family. Don't count on sister - she sounds like she's unable to make a decision and stick to it, for whatever reason.

So act in your best interest as a loving daughter. You can still advocate for your father in assisted living while having your own separate life with your children - who are your first priority - NOT dad. Hugs to you, this is hard stuff!!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Very tough. One of my MIL's daughters always told her "you'll live with me mom". It was understood, laughed about and my MIL counted on it for three decades. When the time came four months ago, the sister changed her mind and left her mother with the two older brothers, me, and the two grandchildren, she has twenty plus, willing to help. I do feel so bad for my MIL, and understand why she has a hard time seeing me as a person, she wants her real daughters.
I am surprised to hear, as ccflorida says, that her own father treats her this way.
So sorry to hear this, how painful. Depression, maybe? So sorry to hear, sending you a big bubble of hope and light.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

My mom is in assisted living, we put her there in March. She has a bright and cheerful room. We checked out several places. My mom is doing much better. There are daily activities for her to do if she wants. Of course she doesn't want to do them. Sometimes I think we make it hard on ourselves for no reason.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Putting my mom in assisted living was the best thing I ever did for her, don't feel guilty. It was wonderful and I could never have survived without all their valuable assistance! I mean it, one of my brothers took care of mom before me and he did not survive.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Xmorgan, In the beginning I went to the activities with mom to get her to enjoy them more. After doing that a while, I spoke with the people in charge and told them I want them to escort my mom to certain activities. I had the activity schedule and would call ahead to remind the facility. It worked, mom made friends, and then they would drag her down for the entertainment, and she eventually enjoyed it!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I'm thinking that he just hasn't become acclimated yet. Maybe there's some depression. Maybe it's just stubbornness. Maybe he's bored. Whatever the reason, he needs to get out from in front of the TV and see what else there is to living in Oregon. Take him out and about, museums, shows, festivals, farmer's markets, whatever you can find. Doesn't have to be a big deal or every day, just do something that is different.

It's difficult to find your way in someone else's house. You don't know what to expect, what to do. You're a permanent guest. Try to find some chore that he is capable of doing that he can be responsible for. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter