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we brought my dad here from Arizona to Oregon. I have posted about this before. Dad had a fall the very first day he was here at my house. My sister decided she cannot have him live with her so I figure it is all up to me and I go ahead with getting Medicaid started and finding an assisted living near me. I haven't decided yet if I will just get a bigger handicap friendly house or put dad in assisted living. Then my sister decides she will have dad at her house because she thinks he is dying and that he knows it and that we should just share him. This is after I have gone ahead with plans to care for Dad. I guess my question is should I keep going ahead or should I share that with her. he really just wants to be with family but I think he is getting much worse and will need more care than either one of us can give. I already got cut back to part time at my new job because they are scared that I won't be able to be there with all the problems I'm having with dad. I also can't get a caregiver here where I live for a few months but my sister can get one as she lives in a bigger city in about 2 weeks. I know I actually have to make this decision on my own I just kind of needed to vent because there's no one to talk to you about this and my kids are sick of listening to me about it as we have been dealing with this for a few years now. For my sanity the best thing would be for him to be in assisted living but I feel guilty and like I don't want him in my home even though all he does is expect me to wait on him and make meals and he just stares at the TV and ignores me most of the time. Also we can't really have conversations as he can't hear and I have to repeat everything which wears on your nerves after awhile. on my work days I get all of his breakfast ready get myself ready go to work then come home immediately start making dinner then clean up from whatever messes he has made all day then finally get a break about 8 or 9 o'clock to put my feet up and rest. I know all of you are going through the same thing. It's just so damn hard and I don't think our parents realize how selfish they are. Thanks for listening to me ramble you all are the best!

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I'll go out on a limb and say that every caregiver experiences guilt. It goes with the territory. I know I felt guilty all the time but looking back now I see that I had no reason to feel guilty. But I didn't realize that at the time.

What is best for your dad? Living with you? Living with you sister? Or living in an assisted living? That's what you have to figure out. If you feel that your dad is going downhill getting him into assisted living now might be the best option instead of waiting until you have a total train wreck on your hands and trying to work with that.

If your dad seems stable enough leaving him where he is for now might be the best decision. You can get him situated with Medicaid and take the wait-and-see approach.

Or, if you feel as if you just can't care for him (and it's alright to feel that way) then maybe he'd be better off at your sister's.

Good luck with your decision. And it's always good to have options. At some point you won't have options.
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thank you for that. My sister doesn't really want him at her house so I'm not really considering that option although it would be nice at the end of his life to care for him in our homes with family even if he mostly ignores us all day long to stare at the TV. Also he drives us crazy. It's like he lives for food or his life is centered around food. Are you cooking my breakfast? What's for dinner? I would like insert name of dish here for dinner sometime this week. He is fond of saying "not interested" for whatever activity you might think of to take him to or go do. so basically he could get all of his needs met at an assisted living, he just wouldn't be with family. I guess that is what I feel most guilty about. But if you sit and try to talk to him and have a conversation he either can't hear you or turn the tv back on and stares at it so there really is not much of a relationship other than what I can do for him as far as his comfort and his need. In fact that is my favorite saying right now his dad is fine as long as it has to do with his comfort or his needs then he doesn't really care what else is going on. Maybe all old people are like this? I know that there are so many people caring for their parents right now and I wonder what will happen to us, I mean the 30% that will die before the person they are caring for and then the 70% will have no job and no retirement and no friends left and have to try to rebuild their life at age 60 or 70. It's just not fair. Maybe we are fall letting this happen to us? that is why I am leaning towards the assisted living because even if he is not with family at least I will have my sanity and he will have all his needs met.
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I think assisted living sounds best for your dad. There's no reason to continue with the stress of caring for him in your home if he's neither appreciative or able to understand how hard it is on you and your family. Don't count on sister - she sounds like she's unable to make a decision and stick to it, for whatever reason.

So act in your best interest as a loving daughter. You can still advocate for your father in assisted living while having your own separate life with your children - who are your first priority - NOT dad. Hugs to you, this is hard stuff!!
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This is such a difficult situation I also am going through. I believe the best advise is having OPTIONS- try to get everything set up (trust, will, Power of attorney for health, financial, medicaid, VA benefits [if he qualifies]. Because if you wait as I did it gets worse. My brother is the caretaker who says he can't handle it, but when I tried to set up benefits and safeguards (trust etc) and was willing to pay for them, then he decides he doesn't want me to do anything yet (as both parents are deteriorating). Unfortunately the elder when failing cannot make proper decisions so you don't have their buy in or support in doing what is best. This creates more conflict with your siblings. I regret not getting affairs in order sooner. I appreciated finding this blog to see I am not alone we need others we can vent to and obtain advise from for this is a very difficult
.
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Your hands are tied as long as sis cannot make up her mind. I would step back and tell you are there to help move him, but only if she lets go.
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It sounds to me as an outsider as though you and your sister are going through the same mill, with similar feelings about it. Can you and she swap 'pros and cons' sheets and see what you both think about the options? - which might be, e.g.

1. ALF near you. Pros, x y z; cons, a b c.
2. ALF near her " " "
3. Switching houses every 2-3 months (shouldn't take you both long to realise that this would be a nightmare and terribly disruptive for everyone)
4. Stays with you
5. Stays with your sister
+ any others you can think of.

But you are both, in your own ways but also I hope together, going to have to accept that every option has its share of guilt but also physical, financial and nervous wear-and-tear. The key will be to accept that what is happening to your father and the fact that there is no ideal answer is not the fault of either of you, and it would be better for both of you if you could give each other shoulder rubs over the phone and encourage each other to be practical and proportionate about how much you can manage to help your father.

And oh dear God I miss my mother terribly but I do not not not miss having to repeat every dam' sentence and then being told there's no need to shout. Feel for you.
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Thanks everyone! Countrymouse great advice. I did make a pro con list yesterday. Its pretty long and even on both sides. it would be best for him to go in assisted living I just keep picturing a sad oldman just sitting in a room with no one visiting him even though I would be able to visit quite frequently. On the other hand he just sits in my house and stares at the TV and doesn't talk to me and when I sit and try to talk to him he just turns the TV back on so there's really not much difference other than for him the fact of me being in the house for him to ask what time is the next meal and what are we having
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My mother sat in her tiny apartment, and later at my sister's, and watched tv endlessly, read magazines, did crosswords, and looked forward to meals. Now she sits in a wheelchair in a nursing home and watches tv (but only certain show, not constantly), reads the paper and magazines, can no longer do crosswords, and looks forward to meals. PLUS she plays bingo a couple times a week, does crafts a few times a months, enjoys live entertainment several times a month, attends a monthly birthday party, rides the center's wheelchair van to WalMart once in a while (where my sister meets her and helps her shop). She has her hair done weekly, without the stress of getting into a car. She has visits from 5 of her 7 kids once a week each.

I'm surprised to say this, but even though she is in an NH instead of an ALF, she life is much more varied and active than when she was living at home. She is content. The sister with whom she was living felt enormous guilt for not being able to keep her longer. But actually the move to professional care was an improvement for Mom.

I feel sorriest for those who have no family to visit them. My sisters and I try to include them a little in our visits.

Never abandon your dear frustrating Dad, please. But you can looks after his needs and especially visit him often, even when he is in a care center.
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Sorry if I missed this, but does your Dad realize you are his daughter? Sometimes my Mom almost seems to think there are shifts, and I was one person doing one shift of work, and now I'm the next person who has come on duty, and she even tells me the conversation she just had with the other girl (me). This has only happened once, but it makes me wonder how many other times she might have thought this way. Also, once she told me the breakfast would come soon (right, because I'm going to go get it ready for you after we finish with your injection) - so some of the things like this that didn't make sense are now more clear- to realize she thinks this (her home) has a staff.
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Very tough. One of my MIL's daughters always told her "you'll live with me mom". It was understood, laughed about and my MIL counted on it for three decades. When the time came four months ago, the sister changed her mind and left her mother with the two older brothers, me, and the two grandchildren, she has twenty plus, willing to help. I do feel so bad for my MIL, and understand why she has a hard time seeing me as a person, she wants her real daughters.
I am surprised to hear, as ccflorida says, that her own father treats her this way.
So sorry to hear this, how painful. Depression, maybe? So sorry to hear, sending you a big bubble of hope and light.
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I'm thinking that he just hasn't become acclimated yet. Maybe there's some depression. Maybe it's just stubbornness. Maybe he's bored. Whatever the reason, he needs to get out from in front of the TV and see what else there is to living in Oregon. Take him out and about, museums, shows, festivals, farmer's markets, whatever you can find. Doesn't have to be a big deal or every day, just do something that is different.

It's difficult to find your way in someone else's house. You don't know what to expect, what to do. You're a permanent guest. Try to find some chore that he is capable of doing that he can be responsible for. Good luck!
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We went to hospital again yesterday. Dad cut himself, wouldnt stop bleeding. He is ok now but I was so mad at him. He had said earlier that i didnt have shit only a high school diploma, which is not true, i have 2 years college as well. So hurtful. I said you are going to my sisters, i am done but of course my sister refused to have him so i am stuck until A L ready. I could not put him on the street. My kids say i am the family doormat. I sure feel like one!
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Put your Dad in Assisted Living, not just for your own sanity and that of your family! but also for your father. His age, or dementia or hearing loss, whatever, makes it so that he will be better off there. You can visit often, you said. And then he will be tickled to see you..........rather than you being the caretaker who is always around (In his mind). Feel as little guilt as possible. These people are trained in the work they do. Not only that, the staff will get to know him from this point on. They don't know how funny or well dressed or soft spoken or whatever that your father has been or was!! That is why it easier for them and easier on your father. Do all the paper work that was suggested above and soon. Those who advised you to get this in order are so correct!!
ps. you are only the doormat if you let yourself be one.............
God Bless you in your journey. Let us know how it goes!
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thank you. That is what my daughter said. Now she says the family sees me as the weak one. I just really didn't have the heart to just kick him out. But I should have. Because this morning I have already made his breakfast again even though he said he could do it and he is not showering today because he said he doesn't feel like it. So he is still wearing his blood stained clothes from yesterday but he wants me to take him to the store so he can get a hat and whatever items that he likes to eat everyday and then it will be what's for dinner and this is all on my day off. Day to a catering to dad. You guys are so right and I am going to put him at the assisted living I can't do this anymore I am going to lose it
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Terrygma next time he goes to the hospital, tell them you can't take him back into your home. They'll have to find a place for him.
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My mom is in assisted living, we put her there in March. She has a bright and cheerful room. We checked out several places. My mom is doing much better. There are daily activities for her to do if she wants. Of course she doesn't want to do them. Sometimes I think we make it hard on ourselves for no reason.
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Putting my mom in assisted living was the best thing I ever did for her, don't feel guilty. It was wonderful and I could never have survived without all their valuable assistance! I mean it, one of my brothers took care of mom before me and he did not survive.
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Xmorgan, In the beginning I went to the activities with mom to get her to enjoy them more. After doing that a while, I spoke with the people in charge and told them I want them to escort my mom to certain activities. I had the activity schedule and would call ahead to remind the facility. It worked, mom made friends, and then they would drag her down for the entertainment, and she eventually enjoyed it!
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Ilovemom2 very good advice. I appreciate it. And blannie I tried that when he went in the hospital in Arizona because none of us were there but they just sent him home in a taxi. If it happens again though I will try. You would think they might have talked to us this last time because we were fighting in the emergency room and I was yelling because he can't hear me and I was crying so hard cuz I am exhausted and I know they saw me crying but they didn't even send a social worker in this time. and I know they heard me because we were also arguing about getting a primary care doctor and they said they wouldn't know and the doctor came in with a list of primary doctors and pulmonologist in the area. My sister is having a graduation party this Sunday for one of her six kids and she doesn't even want me to bring Dad and she is scared he will smoke at the party or say rude things like he does for example if someone is overweight he will say she needs to not eat that or something to that effect. I said I am dropping dad off at the party and going to do something by myself and she said that I was being mean to her son if I do that. I said actually honestly do not really care. She has no idea how hard it is to spend 24 7 with him. When he is at her house she is gone almost all day long between her job and her kids activities he doesn't get his medicine managed for his meals made properly or really any of his care when he is at her house she does pretty much ignores him and she thinks its so hard to take care of him but she has no idea.
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Terrygma, I read party and thought "ooh, poor little kid" but then I read it properly and saw "graduation party" and had an abrupt change of heart. The stress should be on graduation. This is a rite of passage into maturity, and part of maturity is coping with your elderly relatives' foibles. What next, is your Dad to be banned from family weddings too?

One question, though - why aren't you invited?

And one observation: if your sister imagines that college students are never exposed to smoking she leads a sheltered life.
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Country Mouse very funny! I am invited to the party I just and being rebellious and don't want to go. my kids don't talk to my sister anymore for various things she has done to them and she makes a big fuss about it, but her kids don't really pay attention to me and I honestly think he doesn't care if I am at the party. He would rather be in his room playing video games anyway. Her little kids pay attention to me but I am their favorite auntie so that is fun even if I am no longer allowed to have them come to my house because her husband thinks I'm not good enough to have them here. geez my family is pretty f'd up aren't they? she kind of is right about the smoking, my dad is very rude about it and will light up in the middle of everyone and not even care. Part of his entitlement attitude he thinks he can do whatever he wants. He did flat out tell me the other day he doesn't care if anyone is happy he only cares if he is happy when we were having a discussion about al or living at my house or my sisters house. if he is watching TV he doesn't want to have a conversation and then when you think it's a good time to have a conversation about something you get this hand wave and I don't want to talk about it until I am in a blood red rage of frustration and anger and I end up yelling at him because he just won't talk about things but just goes along doing his exact same things that he does every day. There is so much still that I have to do for him. I have to get a primary care doctor - pulmonologist I have to call Medicare and figure out what is going on with his prescriptions and why he is having to pay for them even though he has a supplement and he has been paying since January and should not have been in the donut hole till maybe this month but he's in it again and the pharmacist told me he should have gotten a letter of explanation of benefits and I said he probably did but he throws everything away. so on top of doing every single thing for his care every day I also have to clean up his life. I also have to deal with whether we are going to fix up his house or get him to walk away from it which would be the best option and sell his car to get rid of the car payment and he is not driving any longer so it is stupid to have two cars. and I'm so irritated because my house is so dirty from him and I am kind of a clean freak but there's constantly filth everywhere now and it's a lot to keep up with even just working part time. and with no help from my sister.
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So…. not really time to have your hair done and get to the party. Especially not for the benefit of a late adolescent who can't shift himself to be nice to his dear old aunty, hm. I see. Still, I really think your dad needs to be there to help him celebrate, don't you? - especially if it's your weekend to lie down and breathe deeply for a couple of hours :)

Aside - I'm very lucky with my nephews who are sweetie-pies and made more effort to understand their granny than their parents ever really did.

If your father - in this day and age?! - insists on lighting up I think it's up to his host to deal with it, if your sister won't. It's one thing for her to delegate security duties to her husband, but you can't be responsible for what your father gets up to under their roof. She'll just have to cope.
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Country Mouse turns out dad decided it is too much of a trip for us to do. it is a five hour round trip and I work 7 a.m. to 12 then drive 2 hours to sisters attend party then drive home then be at work at 7am again all the while attending dad, waiting on him hand and foot. Good news is the assisted living tour went well and he is going there in about 30 days. we had our first poop accident yesterday well my first anyway and I had to clean him up and I really was not prepared for that and was quite hysterical. He seemed to think it was kind of funny and my duty to deal with that. I bought him his first depends yesterday and baby wipes. I know you guys will say he was thinking it was funny too make jokes about it or tell me what would I do if he was in firm but I'd have to go into too much detail to tell you why I think he got some kind of not exactly pleasure out of it but the fact that I was upset so badly sort of makes him happy you know? He has done this before in other situations to other family members as well as me where he kind of upset so everyone greatly and then sits back and sort of smiled about it. anyway we are not going to the party, my sister always gets her way one way or the other and I may drop dead from this caregiver thing
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Ohmygod I don't know whether to be happy that there's light at the end of the tunnel or to chew my nails about how you'll get through the next month - I used to HATE it beyond everything when I desperately needed just a short break and it got cancelled.

I hope you won't have time to get used to the toileting assistance. I went from similar feelings - hysterics is about right - to not turning a hair what felt like overnight, which I suppose could be reassuring; but I'd rather there was no need for you to accustom yourself to it.

Some people just like to set the cat among the pigeons - do you think perhaps your father is sitting back and watching the havoc he's wrought?

Not long to go. Just keep telling yourself that, and shoot on sight anyone or anything that might crop up and risk putting him off the ALF. No tittle-tattling friends or neighbours, no patronising friends - one word out of turn and out they go.
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Countrymouse if I could give you a hug I would. You are right exactly about setting the cat amongst the pigeons. We have watched him do that over and over. Every once in awhile I get a pang of guilt that shame on me I can't care for my own father and then I remember the mean things that he has said and the way he has always treated me like the bad one or the dumb one and I say I can't wait. I told my sister when the kids are out of school in two weeks you need to take him I don't care if your house is not ready I don't care if it puts one of your kids out of the room I do not care. You need to take him for two weeks. I'm glad that the toilet in problem will get easier if I have to do it again. I think he hasn't been taking his probiotics. We get the refrigerated kind and it seem to be helping there were no accidents for a long time so now I have to add that to my list to make sure he takes it every day but it's worth it for me not to have to go through that again. God bless you guys on here or I would have no one to talk to about this. My family well my girls are just sick of listening to me about it and I tell them I'm going to make sure I have somewhere to go before I get to that stage so they don't have to go through this. A moms last sacrifice for her children lol!
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Have you read Caring for my Older Difficult Parent or the 36 Hour Day?

My own mother's NH is very nice and it has saved her life. She has outlived most of her family.
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I will look for that book. I know about the out living thing I swear I don't know how he is still alive but I tell him he will outlive me with the stress is causing me!
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