My situation may be different. I don't know as I haven't gone through all the posts. My dad passed last July from dementia and my mom has been living with me for almost 2 years. It wasn't my choice. She's a 94 year old stubborn, opinionated, determined Italian woman (like me). She still drives around town and is totally with it. She absolutely refuses to live alone and there's no family close by. She and my dad were married for 71 years before he passed and I've become his replacement. I'm married and my husband is a saint to allow the current living situation. Everyone loves my mom because she can be so charming. I don't know what to do. She has a house two streets away from me that she's renting so she can live with me. She absolutely refuses to live alone. And everything I do she has to know about. I can't go shopping without her wanting to come. One time I "snuck" out of my own home to just be alone and I got chastised when I returned. My husband just goes to his office and closes his door to watch TV. We're constantly at odds with each other. I try to be patient. I have a brother out of state who has health problems. So he refuses to hear about any of this. Her biggest issue is she gets out of breath easily so she can't walk anywhere for any length of time; also she refuses to purchase a good hearing aid. I'm tired of repeating everything I say so I shut down. Then when she tries to make conversation all I hear is "huh?" So I don't converse. Then she tells me she has no one to talk to. She plays bingo every Monday; goes to church to see her friends twice a week, goes shopping. She's fairly active. I work all day and when I come home I'm exhausted and want to decompress. I don't want to be "attacked" with constant chatter. For the most part she backs off during the week, but on weekends she feels I'm hers to take her to church, go to supper, shop. My husband and I are going away for a week to see our son who lives out of state and she can't understand why she can't come with us. I get the guilt trip thrown at me that she'll be alone and she wants me to call her every day because something may happen. I could go on, but it would be boring for everyone. I don't know that I expect anything from anyone. Just, thank you for letting me vent. I'm tired.
In either case, so what?
She has to be moved and it can be a strong person to do it at home or a strong person to do it at a facility. One or the other.
You have to also let yourself have permission to make the hard decisions about what is in your best interest as well as hers. We would not let a stubborn little child walk all over us, but we will let out parents simply because they seem to be adults. At some point, their reasoning is not that of an adult anymore and you are going to have to take the reigns to keep her and yourself safe. Nobody's mom has ever been happy to let this happen, but it has to, and has happened to billions of people with aged mothers. It's the way it is when we are all living so long.
Having a husband run off to his office would stop in my house. If I have to be out there with her, so does he. This kind of this a really bad habit to get into that can lead to bad places for a marriage. It builds resentment and other hard feelings. I can't be physically close to someone I resent and have anger toward. Bailing on you to deal with it all by yourself is pretty crappy if I may say so.
I encourage you to put some strong boundaries in place, stand up for what YOU need, and think ahead to the day you can no longer be her care provider. Tour some nursing homes and see what there is in the community. Mentally get yourself ready for changes. There will never be a better day or a good time for this kind of change, but you don't want to wait until you have a crisis on your hands to be forced to act.
Sometimes the promise to keep mom at home is no longer possible and you should not feel obligated or boxed in. Do what makes sense now and for the future when her need level increases to preserve your sanity, health, well being, and her safety and security.
What is causing her to be bed or chairbound?
What do you mean she won't allow you bring in someone strong enough to help? How can she stop you? Do what needs to be done, explain to the helper to expect wailing and crying and get on with it. Perhaps after this happens a few times it will help your mother see that you are not carting her off the the nursing home each time you need to move her.
No one wants to see their mother/wife wail and cry. Of course not. But don't let her behavior blackmail you into not doing what needs to be done for her sake.
Your profile says Mom has diabetes. Are there also some cognitive issues going on here?
Are you working with any agencies?
I am no fancy doctor, have no degrees, but years of notes, frustration and journaling allowed me to write a book that is real.
Even though what I am dealing with in regard to my parents is very simple compared to what other caregivers are going through, it has caused undo amount of stress on me these past 5 years, and that has caused numerous serious health problems.
Stress causes our immune system to drag its feet, thus the immune system can't fight off the bad cells.... I honestly believed the stress caused my cancer, because there were no other triggers.
However....I doubt you will outlive her at the rate you are going - your stress will manifest in physical ailments - ie: high blood pressure, depression, agitation, etc. Your mom has not a care in the world.
Below is my FB link
Go to FB and "friend" and I can provide f/load thru a message ! My book will help you a lot - I had guilt too. Never knew why, I just did.
All your feelings are NORMAL....
I suggest you set a deadline for when she must be out of the house. (Perhaps by the end of August?) Then offer to help her explore her options.
By the way, is she paying you room and board? If not, you are really creating a problem for yourself. Why should she be willing to pay for living elsewhere if she is not paying now?
Be more than happy to send you free d/load - how do I email to you?
Bottom line is that it is impossible to give answers because each senior has different personalities. Most of the senior women (not all) at the AL facility are unhappy being there, but can not give or find any alternative. Truly, I think since your mother has a home close by you should find a home health service or in-home service that can check on her each day and help her clean and cook whereby she could stay by herself. There are so many ways to help her live independently without you having to deal with her daily. It is difficult for our mothers to realize that women today have a full load without having the additional fatigue of raising their mothers while raising children or grandchildren and working, cleaning , cooking etc.
Yes you must strengthen your spine and loss the little girl attitude towards MOM...
I knew that if she lived with us, I would end up with a nervous b/down and my Mom would be oblivious and fine. Her Alzheimer's in a way, thankfully, made her unaware. On the other hand, I could see our house accidentally going up in flames, Mom walking down the street alone to heaven knows where, letting my dogs out accidentally (one of them a 130# GSD), creating a very dangerous environment for us both - demanding and bickering with me all day - and that is after I got home from a full time job. It was too much. I knew I couldn't handle it, the chaos it would create, also not good for my teenaged son, and hard working husband.
YOUR mother is clear minded - thank goodness. How dare her insert herself into your life without a thought or care of anyone else but herself. She is bullying you and being very selfish. But on the other hand, you are allowing it to happen. Sorry to have to say that - but it is true. Your husband is a SAINT and I will say, knowing men he won't put up with it much longer as he sees your decline and stress level increase. I hope he does put his foot down and tell her to leave.
MOVE HER to her own HOME. Which I can imagine is quite cozy and comfortable. Put your foot down, give her so many days - a month - to prepare to move. Be honest with her in all aspects. ALF are also wonderful places for elderly patients, many there are simply unable to live alone - but they don't have dementia/Alzheimer's.....they have games-entertainment-food prepared-lovely courtyards-trips to stores and malls-but above all for me - was the SAFETY issue and care my Mom got. Your mother would be well taken care of, and probably enjoy herself.
My admiration is extended to you. I could and WOULD not put up with her. She would be gone. Intimidation, threatening, guilt trips, screaming, would no longer matter - nor get to me. It should not matter whether SHE approves or not regarding an ALF - or what she thinks. It is YOUR HOME - your life and she is taking full advantage of your kindness.
I would love to offer you a free d/load of my book. It is five years of being a caregiver to my Mother. It is getting good reviews, and I'm so proud of my product. I offer advice, tips, suggestions, (DPOA, elder attorney, DSS/elder abuse department, ALF, convalescent centers, finances, DRVING, etc.)
"Alzheimer's Through My Mother's Eyes"....let me know, I'll supply you with a code thru smashwords for a free read. I really think my book would help you.
Keep us posted - and bye to your Mother....you are an amazing woman - and hats off to you for your patience.
Suzette Brown
If you can find one that you think would work, ask them if you and your Mother could come for lunch or dinner a couple times to check the place out. You will likely have to make a reservation and pay for the meal but it would be worth it to see the facility in a more casual light than a formal tour would be.
I agree that it is time to set some boundaries. If confrontation becomes a no-win stalemate, try writing out your expectations and ask her for a response in writing.
You might be able to get her to go to a counseling or mediation session, ( most people are a little restrained when there is a mediator). There is no easy answer to this situation and your Mother may be afraid to live alone after being married for 72 years. She may have some fears or emotional issues ( abandonment after losing her life partner) that she is unable to put into words.
Some households work better with written expectations and a schedule on the fridge. Let her know that the " house rules" are for everyone's sanity and happiness.
I applaud you for managing this long. Take care of yourself and your husband. You deserve it.
I try to understand that getting older puts a lot of limitations on our parents, but my parents also need to understand that I, too, am getting older and now have limitations. I can't seem to convince my parents that I am also a senior citizen, even flashing my AARP card doesn't make a dent.
Veronica, how I wish my Mom could read but she has a bad case of macular degeneration.... writing to her would solve a lot of issues, as I don't think she knows that Dad wants to start driving again... she would put a stop to that foolishness.
One time I thought I had everything worked out about Dad asking me to do heavy lifting, etc. I said to Dad "would you ask Mom to lift bags of mulch"?.... if the answer is *no*, that means I can't do it, either, please keep that in mind. But that was short lived, just the other day he asked me to get him some mulch.... [sigh]