My situation may be different. I don't know as I haven't gone through all the posts. My dad passed last July from dementia and my mom has been living with me for almost 2 years. It wasn't my choice. She's a 94 year old stubborn, opinionated, determined Italian woman (like me). She still drives around town and is totally with it. She absolutely refuses to live alone and there's no family close by. She and my dad were married for 71 years before he passed and I've become his replacement. I'm married and my husband is a saint to allow the current living situation. Everyone loves my mom because she can be so charming. I don't know what to do. She has a house two streets away from me that she's renting so she can live with me. She absolutely refuses to live alone. And everything I do she has to know about. I can't go shopping without her wanting to come. One time I "snuck" out of my own home to just be alone and I got chastised when I returned. My husband just goes to his office and closes his door to watch TV. We're constantly at odds with each other. I try to be patient. I have a brother out of state who has health problems. So he refuses to hear about any of this. Her biggest issue is she gets out of breath easily so she can't walk anywhere for any length of time; also she refuses to purchase a good hearing aid. I'm tired of repeating everything I say so I shut down. Then when she tries to make conversation all I hear is "huh?" So I don't converse. Then she tells me she has no one to talk to. She plays bingo every Monday; goes to church to see her friends twice a week, goes shopping. She's fairly active. I work all day and when I come home I'm exhausted and want to decompress. I don't want to be "attacked" with constant chatter. For the most part she backs off during the week, but on weekends she feels I'm hers to take her to church, go to supper, shop. My husband and I are going away for a week to see our son who lives out of state and she can't understand why she can't come with us. I get the guilt trip thrown at me that she'll be alone and she wants me to call her every day because something may happen. I could go on, but it would be boring for everyone. I don't know that I expect anything from anyone. Just, thank you for letting me vent. I'm tired.
Amen, to what you say about not hearing. My mother does the same thing.
and somewhat mentally, I am backed in a corner like a beaten dog.
Please vent anytime you want . Just reading your situation has helped me believe it or not. Also, there are some fine bloggers here. God Bless and prayers for rescue and help are being sent your way.
I am jealous that your Mom still is able to drive.... how I wish that was the case with my parents [who live independent] as for the past 5 years I've needed to take time off work to take them to their individual doctor appointments, get their weekly groceries, yada, yada, yada. Now I panic thinking about driving them anywhere because I am so tired.
I had cancer 5 years ago, so I know how frightening that can be, and I, too, think my parents will out live me. I am so upset that I never had a chance to enjoy retirement like my parents did.
I think that is a great idea of finding a friend in a similar situation to move in with your Mom when her home is available.
Find the perfect ALF. Do the spade work - check it out, find out about financing, do all the preparation. Tell her she's either going there, or she's going back to her place On Her Own and you and your husband are leaving town/the state/the country/Planet Earth (whatever it takes). Your target date is mid- to end-July this year. Grit your teeth, stand your ground and good luck. Your mother will be happier, you will save your sanity and your marriage, it will be worth it.
Your mother will do whatever you let her get by with. You don't have to be unkind, but you just need to get some good boundaries and limits in place. This can include not talking when you come home and having some time for yourself and your husband on weekends. Things can work out. She just has to learn to respect you as a person and not as her personal assistant. This is easy for me to write -- and I know it's true -- but it's hard to do. You just have to let her know what you need and then stick to it. You may find a side of her that is not bad to live with.
And if she gets mad, she can always go to AL.
You are not going to get her to budge going at the topic directly. Here is how you can use her personality to your advantage in the situation:
1. Gather the information on the three closest assisted-living places you would consider for her. Leave the information in plain sight all over the house especially the pictures of the residents enjoying themselves. Don't ever mention it as something for her, directly or indirectly, until she is clearly ready.to talk about it. For now, It is just for research for your own information. Which is completely true until she agrees to live in one. Invite her to offer an opinion about one facility versus another, if she likes, but don't push. Keep restocking the house and the cars with the pictures and brochures so the idea of seeing assisted living facility information becomes routine and expected.
2. On every not too hot, not too wet, or not too cold day when you go somewhere together. You park in the parking lot of one of the top three Assisted Living places and tell her you need to stretch your legs. Don't insist she come, just quickly ask her each time.
You win either way. If she comes she will start to feel more familiar and more comfortable with being at such a place even if it for "just a walk." If she doesn't come, you are freer to ask the tougher question of residents and the family members you meet on your walk. Again, focus on this as research for your own information and has nothing to do with her. Either way, over time, going to assisted-living facility becomes part of a normal routine. If she doesn't come make sure to park so that you can see the car doing your walk.
3. Start volunteering as an activities helper at the facility you seem to be favoring. Be careful. Don't mention it as having anything to do with her. The volunteering is for your benefit only. If she come with you, you got her in the door of a assisted living facility and becoming more relaxed about being there. If she refuses to go in the car to drive there, you get some more time for yourself after the activity is over and you can run some errands by yourself before going home. If she comes but refuses to get out of the car, setup in advance, to have a staff member or resident to "invite" you both in for fun and a snack.
Over time this plan will soften her up to the idea of assisted living or she will learn that insisting on going with you will involve regular visits to an assisted living facility and may not insist upon going with you so much. All without any direct confrontation.
The only way to get this person out of your house is for your husband to become the bad guy and throw her out. She has demonstrated that she is fully capable of living independantly, she has her church friends and socializes and drives around. Never mind AL she has a home to go to and most people will happily move out if you find suitable alternative accomodation and maybe pay the first months rent as an incentive. Have a friendly chat with the tenants and without revealing your intention see if their future plans may include moving on. They could be very happy to be able to break their lease without penalty.
Your mother has recently been widowed and I am sure she is grieving but she is getting out and about so is clearly coping.
Why did you allow her to move in the first place? Did your husband agree or just tolerate it? Your mother has been controlling all her life. She won't be changing. You may have your big girl panties on but before the great confrontation get out the bullet proof pair. You ain;t seen nothing yet!!!!!!!! Hugs and blessings we are all here for you.
And, OK, this makes 3 - but if she won't do the hearing aid, then you have to start writing because your voice is tired from yelling. I'm hearing impaired myself and it can be awful when people refuse to repeat things you don't understand - it makes you feel isolated, paranoid, and devalued. MOST of the time I can wear my hearing aids, but I can't wear them in the rain, and I can't wear them if I'm having or just got over a migraine. And they don't give you normal hearing, exactly, though they are a huge help. I was in your spot with my mom who would rarely wear hers and our conversations had to be at about 60 db I think, but I'm a singer, and for the most part had the breath support and endurance to do it and keep the accusations of mumbling down to oh, 2 or 3 a conversation.
And crazy idea #4 - maybe she should come with you to see her grandkid - maybe she'd spend time with him and you would get a break, and her cup would be more full and she'd be less needy too when you get back. Some airports and airlines are better for travelers with limited mobility than others - a little research ahead of time might make it possible.
for her.
One thing I would do, is have her drive and you be the passenger. We thought my mother in law was fine to drive until I had her drive. Litlle had i ealized I put my life in her hands. She almost ran over someone in a crosswalk in a parking lot. When I said Mom, didn't you see her? When asked her about it she became belliegerant.
If she is renting out home, should have money for hearing aide. That can be part of your discussion of "whats not working". As far as her chattering when you are exhausted, set boundaries for that. Maybe try some music to occupy some of her loneliness.
Not sure if shortness of breath on exertion has been addressed but she may have some congestive heart failure or deconditioning going on.
All I can add is that we are all sending support and hope you can find a solution.
One more thought. Do you have a relationship with the church which I assume will be Catholic. Can you get the Priest on your side. That is probably the only person she would pay any attention to given your culture
Blessings
My parents never had to take care of their own parents so they are clueless about what stress they are putting upon me. My Dad never paid attention to anyone else's health so trying to explain to him that I have to limit what I can do during the day lands on deaf ears.
I can't explain much to Mom who is still very sharp but has very limited hearing, like your Mom, and it becomes very trying trying to talk to my Mom, which I know isn't her fault.... even the best hearing aid doesn't help as her hearing is too far gone.
Consulting with adult protective services may also help.
On the other hand, you're not just going to lose your guilt, either. My family just loves the guilt trip, our favorite mode of transportation, and I'm just saying that you don't just shed it with the change of seasons.
The idea of having mom go back and live at home but with a roommate might work if you can find someone who would be a good fit for a renter/roommate.
However, you do have to get a spine. I don't like to do it, myself, but I've had conversations with my mom that I'm going to do my best for her and that she's not always going to like it. She agrees that she doesn't always like it! ;-) That doesn't mean she'll change, at all, but if you're firm about things you might be able to get her into some new habits.
I try to understand that getting older puts a lot of limitations on our parents, but my parents also need to understand that I, too, am getting older and now have limitations. I can't seem to convince my parents that I am also a senior citizen, even flashing my AARP card doesn't make a dent.
Veronica, how I wish my Mom could read but she has a bad case of macular degeneration.... writing to her would solve a lot of issues, as I don't think she knows that Dad wants to start driving again... she would put a stop to that foolishness.
One time I thought I had everything worked out about Dad asking me to do heavy lifting, etc. I said to Dad "would you ask Mom to lift bags of mulch"?.... if the answer is *no*, that means I can't do it, either, please keep that in mind. But that was short lived, just the other day he asked me to get him some mulch.... [sigh]
If you can find one that you think would work, ask them if you and your Mother could come for lunch or dinner a couple times to check the place out. You will likely have to make a reservation and pay for the meal but it would be worth it to see the facility in a more casual light than a formal tour would be.
I agree that it is time to set some boundaries. If confrontation becomes a no-win stalemate, try writing out your expectations and ask her for a response in writing.
You might be able to get her to go to a counseling or mediation session, ( most people are a little restrained when there is a mediator). There is no easy answer to this situation and your Mother may be afraid to live alone after being married for 72 years. She may have some fears or emotional issues ( abandonment after losing her life partner) that she is unable to put into words.
Some households work better with written expectations and a schedule on the fridge. Let her know that the " house rules" are for everyone's sanity and happiness.
I applaud you for managing this long. Take care of yourself and your husband. You deserve it.
I knew that if she lived with us, I would end up with a nervous b/down and my Mom would be oblivious and fine. Her Alzheimer's in a way, thankfully, made her unaware. On the other hand, I could see our house accidentally going up in flames, Mom walking down the street alone to heaven knows where, letting my dogs out accidentally (one of them a 130# GSD), creating a very dangerous environment for us both - demanding and bickering with me all day - and that is after I got home from a full time job. It was too much. I knew I couldn't handle it, the chaos it would create, also not good for my teenaged son, and hard working husband.
YOUR mother is clear minded - thank goodness. How dare her insert herself into your life without a thought or care of anyone else but herself. She is bullying you and being very selfish. But on the other hand, you are allowing it to happen. Sorry to have to say that - but it is true. Your husband is a SAINT and I will say, knowing men he won't put up with it much longer as he sees your decline and stress level increase. I hope he does put his foot down and tell her to leave.
MOVE HER to her own HOME. Which I can imagine is quite cozy and comfortable. Put your foot down, give her so many days - a month - to prepare to move. Be honest with her in all aspects. ALF are also wonderful places for elderly patients, many there are simply unable to live alone - but they don't have dementia/Alzheimer's.....they have games-entertainment-food prepared-lovely courtyards-trips to stores and malls-but above all for me - was the SAFETY issue and care my Mom got. Your mother would be well taken care of, and probably enjoy herself.
My admiration is extended to you. I could and WOULD not put up with her. She would be gone. Intimidation, threatening, guilt trips, screaming, would no longer matter - nor get to me. It should not matter whether SHE approves or not regarding an ALF - or what she thinks. It is YOUR HOME - your life and she is taking full advantage of your kindness.
I would love to offer you a free d/load of my book. It is five years of being a caregiver to my Mother. It is getting good reviews, and I'm so proud of my product. I offer advice, tips, suggestions, (DPOA, elder attorney, DSS/elder abuse department, ALF, convalescent centers, finances, DRVING, etc.)
"Alzheimer's Through My Mother's Eyes"....let me know, I'll supply you with a code thru smashwords for a free read. I really think my book would help you.
Keep us posted - and bye to your Mother....you are an amazing woman - and hats off to you for your patience.
Suzette Brown
Bottom line is that it is impossible to give answers because each senior has different personalities. Most of the senior women (not all) at the AL facility are unhappy being there, but can not give or find any alternative. Truly, I think since your mother has a home close by you should find a home health service or in-home service that can check on her each day and help her clean and cook whereby she could stay by herself. There are so many ways to help her live independently without you having to deal with her daily. It is difficult for our mothers to realize that women today have a full load without having the additional fatigue of raising their mothers while raising children or grandchildren and working, cleaning , cooking etc.
Yes you must strengthen your spine and loss the little girl attitude towards MOM...
Be more than happy to send you free d/load - how do I email to you?
I suggest you set a deadline for when she must be out of the house. (Perhaps by the end of August?) Then offer to help her explore her options.
By the way, is she paying you room and board? If not, you are really creating a problem for yourself. Why should she be willing to pay for living elsewhere if she is not paying now?
Below is my FB link
Go to FB and "friend" and I can provide f/load thru a message ! My book will help you a lot - I had guilt too. Never knew why, I just did.
All your feelings are NORMAL....