My situation may be different. I don't know as I haven't gone through all the posts. My dad passed last July from dementia and my mom has been living with me for almost 2 years. It wasn't my choice. She's a 94 year old stubborn, opinionated, determined Italian woman (like me). She still drives around town and is totally with it. She absolutely refuses to live alone and there's no family close by. She and my dad were married for 71 years before he passed and I've become his replacement. I'm married and my husband is a saint to allow the current living situation. Everyone loves my mom because she can be so charming. I don't know what to do. She has a house two streets away from me that she's renting so she can live with me. She absolutely refuses to live alone. And everything I do she has to know about. I can't go shopping without her wanting to come. One time I "snuck" out of my own home to just be alone and I got chastised when I returned. My husband just goes to his office and closes his door to watch TV. We're constantly at odds with each other. I try to be patient. I have a brother out of state who has health problems. So he refuses to hear about any of this. Her biggest issue is she gets out of breath easily so she can't walk anywhere for any length of time; also she refuses to purchase a good hearing aid. I'm tired of repeating everything I say so I shut down. Then when she tries to make conversation all I hear is "huh?" So I don't converse. Then she tells me she has no one to talk to. She plays bingo every Monday; goes to church to see her friends twice a week, goes shopping. She's fairly active. I work all day and when I come home I'm exhausted and want to decompress. I don't want to be "attacked" with constant chatter. For the most part she backs off during the week, but on weekends she feels I'm hers to take her to church, go to supper, shop. My husband and I are going away for a week to see our son who lives out of state and she can't understand why she can't come with us. I get the guilt trip thrown at me that she'll be alone and she wants me to call her every day because something may happen. I could go on, but it would be boring for everyone. I don't know that I expect anything from anyone. Just, thank you for letting me vent. I'm tired.
Find the perfect ALF. Do the spade work - check it out, find out about financing, do all the preparation. Tell her she's either going there, or she's going back to her place On Her Own and you and your husband are leaving town/the state/the country/Planet Earth (whatever it takes). Your target date is mid- to end-July this year. Grit your teeth, stand your ground and good luck. Your mother will be happier, you will save your sanity and your marriage, it will be worth it.
Your mother will do whatever you let her get by with. You don't have to be unkind, but you just need to get some good boundaries and limits in place. This can include not talking when you come home and having some time for yourself and your husband on weekends. Things can work out. She just has to learn to respect you as a person and not as her personal assistant. This is easy for me to write -- and I know it's true -- but it's hard to do. You just have to let her know what you need and then stick to it. You may find a side of her that is not bad to live with.
And if she gets mad, she can always go to AL.
The only way to get this person out of your house is for your husband to become the bad guy and throw her out. She has demonstrated that she is fully capable of living independantly, she has her church friends and socializes and drives around. Never mind AL she has a home to go to and most people will happily move out if you find suitable alternative accomodation and maybe pay the first months rent as an incentive. Have a friendly chat with the tenants and without revealing your intention see if their future plans may include moving on. They could be very happy to be able to break their lease without penalty.
Your mother has recently been widowed and I am sure she is grieving but she is getting out and about so is clearly coping.
Why did you allow her to move in the first place? Did your husband agree or just tolerate it? Your mother has been controlling all her life. She won't be changing. You may have your big girl panties on but before the great confrontation get out the bullet proof pair. You ain;t seen nothing yet!!!!!!!! Hugs and blessings we are all here for you.
Bottom line is that it is impossible to give answers because each senior has different personalities. Most of the senior women (not all) at the AL facility are unhappy being there, but can not give or find any alternative. Truly, I think since your mother has a home close by you should find a home health service or in-home service that can check on her each day and help her clean and cook whereby she could stay by herself. There are so many ways to help her live independently without you having to deal with her daily. It is difficult for our mothers to realize that women today have a full load without having the additional fatigue of raising their mothers while raising children or grandchildren and working, cleaning , cooking etc.
Yes you must strengthen your spine and loss the little girl attitude towards MOM...
for her.
One thing I would do, is have her drive and you be the passenger. We thought my mother in law was fine to drive until I had her drive. Litlle had i ealized I put my life in her hands. She almost ran over someone in a crosswalk in a parking lot. When I said Mom, didn't you see her? When asked her about it she became belliegerant.
If she is renting out home, should have money for hearing aide. That can be part of your discussion of "whats not working". As far as her chattering when you are exhausted, set boundaries for that. Maybe try some music to occupy some of her loneliness.
Not sure if shortness of breath on exertion has been addressed but she may have some congestive heart failure or deconditioning going on.
All I can add is that we are all sending support and hope you can find a solution.
One more thought. Do you have a relationship with the church which I assume will be Catholic. Can you get the Priest on your side. That is probably the only person she would pay any attention to given your culture
Blessings
My parents never had to take care of their own parents so they are clueless about what stress they are putting upon me. My Dad never paid attention to anyone else's health so trying to explain to him that I have to limit what I can do during the day lands on deaf ears.
I can't explain much to Mom who is still very sharp but has very limited hearing, like your Mom, and it becomes very trying trying to talk to my Mom, which I know isn't her fault.... even the best hearing aid doesn't help as her hearing is too far gone.
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