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I'm a SAHM with two kids (2.5 and 10 months) and two dogs. My husband recently lost his grandmother to Alzheimer's as well -- she lived in a nursing home and deteriorated very quickly. This is my grandmother who I am very close with and I am determined not to let the same happen. I know first hand how engaging them and keeping them stimulated and with goals is very important. Just wondering what do I need to keep in mind as I approach my family with this? They are very pro-nursing home, and while I understand it may work well for some, I am very much against it for my grandmother. Thoughts?

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Hi BlackHole, read your profile and saw that you are an only child as am I. Knee-jerk reactions from people do not help. (I know) Will write more later but we are the same in many ways.
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Wow! The developmental stage those children are in is the most important of their entire lives in terms of interactions, stimulation, attention, and love. Its a time which will determine how everything goes for them from here on out. Don't take away what you can give them. You are operating on a romantic notion of saving someone you love (grandma) assuming there is a way to make her life longer. Stay on target (mothering, not elder caregiving). Visit grandma but don't take her in your home. Be brave, and deal with the sad emotions of loss, but don't be a hero who sacrifices your young family life to an unrealistic ideal.
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Excellent point, Cher. My mom puts on a decent filter for those who are not in constant contact. But she lets it all hang out for the inner circle. Brings me to another point -- which is applicable on 12 different threads: Another insidious side of being a family caregiver is.....we become the keeper of their secrets. Whether we mean to or not. Sometimes to protect what's left of their dignity. Sometimes to keep a steamroller-type from barging in and making a bad thing worse. Sometimes because they say "don't tell so-and-so." Sometimes because I'm too freaked out or worn down to re-live the ugly truth. Sometimes because I'm not in the mood to hear someone's knee-jerk response about what I "need" to do to fix the situation. (And if you grew up in a family where.....it was easier to navigate the world if you hid or minimized what was going on at home.....voila. A new chapter of an old story.)
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I wrote to you before so listen to the above comments. All good advice. My daughter is 28 year old now and does not live nearby. Would not want her to take in my Mother of 90 soon to be 91 at any cost. Mom acts sweet when our daughter comes for a short visit so our daughter does not see the real her. I have also sheltered my daughter from the truth so she does not know what is going on. By the way I am getting sorry that I am deceiving her because I see that it is working against my whole family except of cause my Mother Mistake on my part. OH well one of many on my part. Please don't do it!!
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I agree with Maggie. This is going to be all-time-consuming. You will definitely burn out!
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I agree with everyone. You have small children who need your attn. Someone with Dementia is like having a child. Difference is your children become independent, a person with Dementia get more dependent and clingy. Your life won't be ur own. Husband and children will suffer. That isn't fair to them. Let her children make the decision. Maybe she can start out in an AL. By the time she gets to nursing home, she won't know what is going on.
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My grandmother lived across the street from us and when she became demented it was horrible. My mother was not a SAHM (I had to look that one up too) and had to find round the clock care for her. My grandma was violent, verbally abusive, and spit on people. Home health aides would quit after a few days of being spit on or kicked. My mother was constantly getting phone calls about grandma from home health aides who demanded someone relieve them of their duties. My mother spent countless hours replacing them. This went on for years.
My mother was miserable, exhausted, frustrated, etc. and I remember it. Your children will remember it too, don't kid yourself. You have no way of knowing how long she will live and how bad things will get. Your marriage will suffer. Just search "marriage" in this website and read, read, and read some more. Your children will suffer just like I did. Your dogs will suffer when you no longer have the energy or time to walk them. And you will both suffer and regret the suffering you brought into all of your lives. If you think your grandma will thank you, you are fooling yourself. There will come a point when you will no longer recognize who she has become and she will long have forgotten you. You will never get back this precious time with your young family. I think you are living in a Little Suzy Homemaker fantasy and I hope you snap out of it. More than luck I wish you wisdom.
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I vote NO!!!! I am a caregiver for my 91yo mother with ALZ DZ. She lives with me and has for many years now. I am also a grandmother to six grandkids who live close by. There were so many things I wanted to do and share with my grandkids that I haven't been able to do because of caring for my mom. Things like taking them camping, hiking, trips to Yellowstone and Glacier National Parks etc etc. I've missed their school programs and I've missed part of a high school graduation and all of an 8th grade graduation. I'm telling you this because I would imagine that if you're like most parents you have plans for your kids and sharing in their lives.
Dementia is a horrible disease. It's duration is incredibly long and it only gets worse as the years go by. If you want to have any life with your children then I strongly encourage you to reconsider your point of view. Listen to the people who have gone through this. The years you lose with your children will be lost years. Years you will never get back.
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Amk - I think bringing your G'ma into your home is a BAD idea - for all the reasons mentioned here, and despite the current family support system, which is not very intensive at this point. How can your children - at their ages - POSSIBLY learn anything about caring for others??? They are NOT at that level of cognitive or emotional development! They are just going to see that their G'ma is getting attention that they should (rightfully) be getting from you. And they're not even going to be able to verbalize that - let alone think it in their developing little minds!!!!!

Why can't you visit her in her home? Why is that not a (more) realistic option?

My 92 yo MIL moved in with us 13 months ago. We thought she'd last a few months. But she rebounded physically - due to a better diet and better care (by us!) - and now we have had to make plans to move her into a Memory Care facility next month. We do NOT have small children at home - but have not been able to go out together for over a year! She had previously lived ALONE for 10 years after my FIL died, but once she moved in w/us she said she was afraid to be left alone! The one time we went out for an hour she was crying when we got back. UGH.

To be very blunt, I think you are being delusional - or acting on ignorance and wishes, not making a decision based on reality. Much as we wished my MIL could die at home with us, I had to put my foot down (hard) a month ago and tell my dear husband that either she would have to go, or I would. We need our own lives; she has lived hers.

I believe that you will live to regret this decision. One last question: Is your marriage and the healthy development of your children worth this risk?
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Amk - the additional information helps. Perhaps Grannie can stay awhile and it will be all you are hoping for. But it would be wise when you have the family planning meeting to make an exit strategy - and make that subject a priority because there is no telling how long Grannie will remain at her current level. My mom had a fall in August that was a major game changer. While there were signs of dementia - most seen with hindsight - the fall sent her spiraling into full blown dementia. No one has fully been able to explain why...Anyhooo, you paint a pretty pic of what live with Grannie will be. I too envisioned Hallmark moments - even up until a week ago. Sadly, none of these precious moments ever happened and I now realize they never will - ever! I think sometimes we want for our elderly loved ones what we think they should want - if that makes sense. But as John Lennon sang "life is what happens when your busy making other plans."
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amk, thank you for sharing the additional background. Sounds like your immediate family and your extended family work well together and have good communication. That's awesome. If you take in grandma, please do this: Schedule a 1-on-1 meeting with your husband every 2 weeks. Put it on the calendar like a dentist appointment. Go behind closed doors and -- with respect -- BE HONEST with each other. The good, the bad and the ugly. Your against-all-odds passion for integrating grandma into your home life could make you prone to glossing over "red flags." Or prone to overextending yourself to present a tidy view to your husband and outsiders. Or prone to crabbiness! And even though you and hubby may start out with equal passion for Project Grandma, his enthusiasm might wane as time goes by. That's natural and understandable....but hubby will be in the unfortunate position of being the bad guy for saying so. Or holding it in and becoming secretly (or not so secretly) resentful. You need to acknowledge the stressors and "but I thought..." eye-openers together, and always with the awareness of what is best for your marriage and your parenting. Taking in grandma will profoundly change your household dynamic. All change is stressful -- good change and bad change. That's why you need these regular 1-on-1 sessions, so you can open up (without interruptions) and get real. If this is difficult or uncomfortable or you end up defaulting to unproductive convo patterns......#1) Don't beat yourself up over it. This is HARD......#2) Keep your bi-weekly appointments with each other, but have these chats in the presence if a marriage counselor. If this sounds extreme or too difficult or too expensive, it's really not. Your first committment is to each other. Which means you need to make an investment in each other. The therapist co-pay, a babysitter and convenience food for dinner twice a month is a small price to pay for a lifetime benefit. Your family is young. Grandma-gate is the first of many game-changers your household will experience. Just because you and your husband live together does not guarantee that you two are "in it" together. That part takes regular work and regular maintenance; often with guidance. If your regular check-ins cost time (and possibly money) that you're not thrilled about spending, keep reminding yourselves that the investment is worth it. As a couple, you'll be better equipped to weather all of life's curveballs; not just this one. Good luck to you both. (Oh, and once you get in your groove, hold monthly or quarterly family meetings with your extended family. Skype, email chains, conference calls. Whatever it takes. Present a unified front, and tell them honestly how it's going and what you need. These convos -- and everyone's comfort levels -- might change over time. Stay strong as a couple and be ready for that.)
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Sorry her dementia is getting worse and she goes into a behavior daily. My husband also has pancreatic cancer and it is not helping him with her in our house. To make along story short the social worker told me that she would attack me than my husband and than the dog. Well she never got to the dog because my 14 year old yellow lab died. But she hates us so be careful. I don't know how to get rid of her now. This is a hard question to answer. So sorry but if there is another way do so.
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Oh abusedbymom, You are giving great advice. The social worker told me not to take Mom in but I did not listen. Matter a fact I did not listen now 2 times. Once in 2013f for 7 months and now Sept. 21st, 2015 when Dad went into the hospital again and just died this time on November 2, 2015. H
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Amk, know that however determined you may be, dementia will get worse - whether you do home care or facility care and stay involved as you can, your best and most loving efforts will have to do, and they can't prevent the inevitable. Do what will give you and her and the kids the best memories and best quality of life for whatever time or circumstances you have to deal with. Sometimes, with enough help, that can be moving her in to your own home; other times that's having her somewhere with 24/7 care and visiting. Have a backup plan B if plan A does not work out.
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I will also add -- that my grandma has lived on her own for the last 10 years or so. And having her live with someone can gauge how she is actually doing -- beyond what she tells us or how we see her when we do see her.

The only thing I want to mention is that -- the greatest thing I want my children to see and learn is that when you see someone in need, help them. Yes, sacrifice yourself, time, money, whatever. My husband worked as a pca for special needs adults, changing their diapers, etc. We both have worked teaching special needs together -- we love serving others. It's our passion. We have taken on helping newly immigrated families, finding them clothes, furniture, whatever -- on our time and with our own money because it weighs heavy on both of us to NOT do something.

But the greatest take away from all your helpful advice is to have a plan, ready to go for when she is in need of 24/7 care, when she becomes hurtful to herself or others, or even when she just needs more help than what I can offer. Whether it's because of her dementia or some other illness, that time will come and we need to be ready for it. I hope that before that time comes, we can enjoy life with her.

My family is having a meeting to discuss next steps in early January. So this will be great to discuss with them. Thanks again.
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Hi all, thanks for the feedback. This is really helpful. I should have clarified a few things.

My aunt is currently taking care of my grandma's needs - paying her bills, getting her meds, etc etc. So she will still do that. I am just providing the company and yes, 3 great meals (dairy free and healthy since she is a diabetic). She lives alone right now, and does fine. Her memory is just starting to fail her so her dr isn't even pushing assisted living. I just am thinking that having her engaged with my kids, folding laundry, helping me tend to my garden and chickens will be better than having her sit in front of her tv, alone in her apartment, for days with just my aunt visiting her. Unfortunately my sister is young (22) and just moved out of state so unfortunately she can't take her in -- but I know she would if she could! She really could just use a family that stays close to home (we do), that can encourage her to exercise, remind her to check her blood sugar, offer healthy treat (she loves muffins, so I can whip up some dairy free, zero sugar muffins -- my son has food allergies anyway so this will be easy). She can also cook still, she does at home on her own. And she, I'm sure, will find something to clean! lol

That said, I think it's good to think ahead and prepare for mood changes, etc. That's great advice. I appreciate your thoughts. Certainly if she gets violent, we can reconsider things. My aunts/uncles are not home enough to keep her company since their kids are older, in school, they work full time, etc. but they will contribute resources to make sure that if she needs a nurse at my home, she can have access to those resources.

My aunt will continue to take her to her many dr appointments, but I'll have her do puzzles with my daughter and just make sure she is engaged and happy. She has been asking my aunt to help her find a job because she is bored! Plus she loves my dogs, and we all know that petting an animal is very therapeutic.

Yep, it will be hard. I'm totally anticipating that. My husband is 100% on board. Of course our children are our number one priority. If their safety or welfare is in question, yep, we will absolutely make other arrangements. My husband's grandmother didn't have a choice regarding where she would live. Her husband is still alive, and she was already in assisted living, so memory care was the best option so he could be close to her. If he felt strongly about having her stay with us, I definitely would have considered it. She was in a different place, a different stage, and was a different person.

Again - I so appreciate everyone's thoughts. Great things to think about.

Take care everyone! :o)
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amk, please let us know what you decide. And if you do have your Grandmother come live with you, we will all be here to help guide you through the many different challenges you will face.
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I say yes if these conditions exist. You have 2 live in nannies for the children, if you are independently wealthy, if you have a live in housekeeper. If you have a full time cook who is not the housekeeper. If you have a full time gardener. If you have a couple of live in nurses. If you have a chauffeur. If you have maids who do the laundry and everyday cleaning. If you have a live in companion/cna for your gram. Then maybe. If you are debt free. If your husband thinks this is a good idea.
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Some people with dementia deteriorate very quickly, no matter where they are living. Some plateau and stay at a given stage for a very long time, no matter where they are living. Assuming that it was the NH that caused your husband's grandmother's rapid decline is probably not realistic. Lots of factors go into how dementia progresses.

I assume that you are a stay-at-home mom because you want to give your children your full attention, at least in their early years. And now you are proposing taking on a job you will be responsible for 24 hours a day? What? You are a mother. Your first priority should be to your kids. And you must take care of yourself and your marriage. I really don't see where there is room for the additional commitment you are considering. Dementia moves in one direction: it gets worse.

My heart goes out to you. Of course you want what is best for your dear Grandmother. It is very painful to see her decline. You'd like to be superwoman and be able to be all things to all the people you love. Hugs to you.
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Let me add in my no vote - mainly because of your children. They are so young. Fully grown adults can barely handle Alz patients. How in the world can small children? I too promised my mom we'd never put her in a home but after years of living with her and as her physical health has declined we now have no choice. I simply cannot do it by myself anymore because I have to sleep sometime. She gets great care 24/7 by professionals, I go every day, sometimes every other day, ask a lot of questions of the staff, I arrive and leave at all different hours, and I observe my mom very carefully. My mom knows she's not abandoned (what little she does know now), the staff knows I am watching carefully, and I sleep well at night. And so does she.
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When hubby's grandma could no longer live independently, did he propose that she move into your home? If the answer is "no," please grant him the same courtesy. And your sister who does not have good things to say about MC and NH..... has she offered to take grandma into her home? Probably not, right?? Your heart is in the right place. Now it's time to get your head in the right place. Dementia is a downhill slide. Maybe today, grandma is a sweet old lady who says "red" when she means "blue" and thinks that your local 6:00 newscaster is Cary Grant. That won't last. If the grandma you always knew "would never [insert behavior here]," that no longer applies. New phases will come; each one worse than the last. Intinence, too. Scour this blog (and other sites these posters recommended) for examples of advanced dementia behaviors. Here are just a few: Disrobing. Eating with hands. Scratching skin til it bleeds. Accusing you of theft. Hitting kids...dogs...you...hubby. Kicking kids...dog...you...hubby. (If I came into your home and persisted in doing any or all of these things in the presence of your children, you would ask me to leave, right??) Let's say she likes to hide things. One morning, your husband's car keys are missing. Great. The breadwinner can't get to work, and grandma doesn't remember hiding the keys...in fact, grandma longer knows what keys are. Senseless verbal outbursts are a biggie, too. If she screams "whore!" every time you walk thru the room, guess what you kids' new favorite word will be? And what happens when you & your husband need to go somewhere together? The kids' babysitter isn't qualified for grandma, and grandma's by-the-hour minder didn't sign on for 2 children. And on and on. As you educate yourself about Alzheimer's, tour some facilities with your parents. Ask your sister to tag along. As a NH/MC insider, she knows what to look for and what questions to ask. Good luck to you all. Keep learning and keep communicating.
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Hi AMK, Add to your reading list -- check out the alzheimer's website where it discusses various behaviors that occur in ALZ as well as other dementias. You don't give us your age or your grandma's. I know one woman who has been in memory care for 11 years! Thinking of assuming this responsibility for your grandma is quite a commitment! My Mom was in Memory care for 18 months beginning just after her 96th birthday. She was cared for at that facility for 18 months. I did keep her at home for as long as I could but that period was about 9 months.

I know you want to do the best for her, but rather than planning on taking care of her permanently, why not consider the plan for a shorter period of time. That way, it extends the time your Grandmother is with family in a home setting but no one should have expectations that it is permanent. Frankly, I would make that commitment for 3 months or less - while family assess care options. During that time, use her finances to provide extra help - home health aides, for example.

You sound very sincere and I admire your wishes, but the sad reality is that your grandmother will require more and more help. I had a live in aide --- one on one for 2 months and my Mom was very loving and gentle. but even so the aide was exhausted and I was there for relief numerous times each week. If you want to ask about what the care situation becomes as time progresses,many of us would be happy to describe our situations!
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AMK, listen to these women and heed what they are telling you. Also, you can read the hundreds of comments and articles on this forum about the difficulties of in home care. At your age, 2 kids, a long life ahead of you, think this through very very carefully.
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Sorry SAHM. I'm with Timbuktu. My mother is in the early stages of dementia. Caring for my mother has completely taken over my life, nearly destroyed me - and she doesn't even live with me! Of three things I am certain: family who say they'll be there to help won't. Granny will become someone you'll barely recognize. You will come to regret this. You may call me a pessimist - but most here will call me a realist.
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My mother lives with me and has the early stages of dementia. She is prone to violent outbursts, crying, name calling, has become to strongly dislike everyone in my home including the dog. She has become for lack of a better word 'sinister' I don't trust her in my home, around my family or pets. I would really consider it long and hard as it has been very, very difficult. And once they are in, it is difficult to get them out.
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I appreciate that you want the best for your grandmother. But you need to be a full time to your children. They are quite young and need you more than gram needs you. Its a big job taking care of an AD patient. Please think this over very carefully.
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Hi Pam, many times I have look up what a lot of these abbreviations mean... SAHM means "stay at home Mom".
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Have you lost your mind?!!! Your children come first!!!!!!! What are you going to do when she gets bed bound? Because that will happen. Who is going to help turn her every 2 hours? Who is going to clean the feces and urine that she will no longer be able to control because that will also be coming. You are not being realistic. Your heart is in the right place but your not living in reality. Has your family offered any help? Even if they do you still can't always count on it. What if you get sick? Who will clean your house, see about the kids. Don't throw all this on your husband, you could be costing yourself a marriage. Don't let guilt be your guide.
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What is SAHM? I am behind the times here! My dad was in a MC for awhile, and it was wonderful for him and us... he became violent and we needed a break for all our health. Not all NH and MCs are created equal... just a thought. I can not imagine having to deal with my Dad towards the end with children in the house.. my 27 YO daughter was very distraught even when he was in MC
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alzheimersreadingroom started out as a blog by a man who cared for his mother with dementia. Lots of info, plus the stages they both went through as she deteriorated, and he learned how to cope and save his sanity at the same time. Good reading even if you don't bring her into your home.
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