Totally exhausted, who wants sex?!

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Totally exhausted, who wants sex?!

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I am taking care of my elderly mom with dementia, I’m not an only child but you would think I am, cause I basically have ALL the responsibility. I just am so tired after taking care of her that I just don’t have any desire for sex with my husband. It just seems like another issue I have to deal with. I’m 61 and have gone through menopause, just started hormones, to see if that helps. I’m just so overwhelmed I don’t want to do anything. I know I am burnt out I have been taking care of her for over 5 years, but there just seems like no end in sight. I just want my life back, I have no time for me anymore. With covid it just makes it hard to feel comfortable putting her in a facility, and she doesn’t have the money for in home care. I just don’t know what to do anymore, just feel so empty.

Burnout Family Caregiver Stress

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Put her in Assisted Living or Memory Care, promise or no promise. Any parent who makes a child promise that is either incredibly naive or just intentionally cruel.

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I don't think that they can envisage the future, and asking for 'the promise' is just their own desperation to hope that everything will be OK when they are gone. Not naive or cruel, just the flip side of all of us who provide reassurance if we are at the deathbed, that we will all be fine.

(6)

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You will still be taking care of your mother if you check that she is getting good care in a facility. And the facility will become ‘her own home’, very soon if dementia progresses. You can set her room up with things she will recognise, to help it feel like home.

Your Dad did not know the future. He cared about you as well as your mother. He would not want you to be like this. He would trust and want you to make your best decision on what is happening now, to you as well as to her. Have trust in him that he would understand what commonsense needs you to do. And trust yourself to value your mother, yourself, your husband and your marriage. Have courage, Margaret

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My mom's been in an AL since February here in coastal Virginia. They've had 2 aides at the facility test positive for covid in late summer--they had mild cold symptoms. One more just tested positive last week-again, mild cold-like symptoms. None of the residents have had covid since they were vaxed.
It's time to get your life back. Start looking at places. I bet if you start to look that it will help you feel hopeful. Good luck.

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I don't have a girlfriend so my 90 year old Mom has made me celebrant. I'm 54 and I actually bought a real sex doll last year and she didn't cost too much money but over 700. So life like and 150 cm tall. My Mom I don't think knows it is that. Well I have friend's on the internet on a few social networks. I would like to go out on a date but my Mom has dementia and she just turned 90 years old on Christmas Eve. She's pretty bad and drinks Martinis everyday as early as 2pm. She's gone through a fifth in a week. I buy the vodka and dry vermouth for her since she's too old to drive. Bad knees from Arthritis and she had shunt surgery over 20 years ago.

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What exactly about your doll makes it "real"?

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I am also 61, had hyst. 12 years ago. Have been on hormones ever since. It makes a huge difference. Improves my brain fog and mood too. Combination of estrogen, progesterone and testosterone. My sex life has never been better. Most Drs don't know enough to prescribe this well. But when you find one it will be worth it.
As for your mom, you know what I will say....time for AL. When I finally got my brother convinced, our mom tested with higher needs than we anticipated. Right now she has gone to a dementia facility for rehab after broken hip surgery and fingers crossed, will return to AL but to a smaller, lockdown wing although not in full memory care yet. It has been a lot to do and take in ever since her initial move but every day my brother and I comment on how her staying at home even with one of us would have made life impossible. You are walking the path that we didn't take. It is understandably difficult. The home is good about precautions for covid. We had a 2 week lockdown due to a case on campus but almost every patient is vaxxed and all staff is vaxxed.

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Hi, get a checkup at the doctor, after menopause my body changed, you need to eat better, exercise and lots of other things to have the energy you used to have. Stress is also a big issue, a therapist and your doctor can help you get on the right direction. I am an only child and have my mother who has many health issues, and my two children who have also had some health issues this year and my spouse who does not tell me I ignore him, but I do, I really do not have enough time for everyone to be a mother, daughter and wife, and my job. I often feel down but I bounce back. No matter what is happening, there is time for you, just take a few minutes for you every day and I think you will start to feel better. You have to always be your first priority. Also take a few minutes to talk to your spouse, are you sure less sex is important to him, perhaps you are overthinking. My spouse seems to care more about attention, what I do is make sure we have a moment when we are together, a kiss, a simple good morning when he comes or goes during the day. If however the sex is important to you, then take the time to create a plan for care for your parent and make this a part of your routine. I am sure it is possible.

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First, check with an assisted living center that is accepts residents based on income. There are some and its a better alternative to a NH. But you know you have to do something if you want your life back. You really know you have to make some hard decisions. Its not answers you are asking for, it's affirmation of what you know you should do. Placing her in a facility doesn't mean you are ending your relationship and she will adjust. You'll visit and have your life back. You can concentrate on your own health and the health of your marriage.

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Lack of libido is hormone AND stress-related; of course you are exhausted. Many men feel sex is a way to feel 'close' so try to have a heart to heart with your husband; if you enjoyed sex with him in the past you can again; maybe make it a 'playtime' for yourself...no expectations, just a personal 'vacation' instead of chore. Besides the changes of menopause, stress itself disrupts hormones, and when we are exhausted other self-care (good diet, decent sleep, regular exercise, relaxation methods like warm baths/listening to music/journaling) fall away but that only adds to the depletion of your body, we lose resilience. Let your husband know you need a break from caretaking, you need some Fun, and that finding ways to have fun might make you feel 'sexy' again, which could lift your spirit. All the best.

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She's 61 not in her twenties. Let's get real here.

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Lack of libido is hormone AND stress-related; of course you are exhausted. Many men feel sex is a way to feel 'close' so try to have a heart to heart conversation with your husband; if you enjoyed sex with him in the past you can again; maybe make it a 'playtime' for yourself...no expectations, just a personal 'vacation' instead of chore. Besides the changes of menopause, stress itself disrupts hormones, and when we are exhausted other self-care (good diet, decent sleep, regular exercise, relaxation methods like warm baths/listening to music/journaling) fall away but that only adds to the depletion of your body, we lose resilience. Let your husband know you need a break from caretaking, you need some Fun, and that finding ways to have general fun together might help you feel 'sexy' again, which could lift your spirit. All the best.

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How you got involved in taking care of her to the detriment of YOUR life is something you must find a solution to at once. YOU come first, this is you time to live - she had her time. Check yourself out physically and then please look to put her into a facility - if you don't have funds, there are ways but you will need to speak with an eldercare attorney how to handle this. The fact is, YOU CANNOT CONTINUE WHAT YOU ARE DOING. You must find a way to place her or get some outside help to give you breaks. Do NOT wait.

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I agree with this.

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For what it's worth, my 95 y/o mother lives in a Memory Care ALF and they have 125 residents between the regular AL & the MC; NOT ONE resident has died or even gone to the hospital for Covid since the onset of this plague! Look into placement for your mother and realize that YOU matter too in the big picture here. What happens if YOU die, then what, God forbid? You've already devoted 5 years of your life to the woman and now feel empty and burned out as a result. Don't use the virus as a reason she 'can't' be placed b/c she CAN.

Stop putting the rest of YOUR life on hold and look into placement for your mom where you can go visit her every day, if you so desire. It's okay to look after yourself and your husband now; nowhere is it written you have to lay down your own life to care for a demented mother at home to your own detriment.

Good luck realizing that your life matters too!

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Maybe your husband is trying to provide you with a break.

Try and have some fun with him. You may feel happier.

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I can think of other ways he could give her a break besides her having to perform for him at 61 years old.

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San42756: Imho, you must seek respite through any means possible.

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Get some space away from your mother and take care of your needs which means putting your husband and yourself first. We can get so involved with this caregiving activity that you put your needs on hold.

There is an old saying if you don't use it, you lose it. At sixty-one, there is no guarantee how long it will be before we lose our health or life for that matter.

As a caregiver myself (paid) it is hard. It is very easy to lose yourself in this field and suffer from burnout. All of us reach the end of our rope realizing that we can't continue on this course without hurting ourselves. Adult Protective Services can step in and assign a social worker to take over the process of placement. Just let them know that you are so burned out and that you cannot do it any longer. It happens to us all. We realize that we can no longer put our entire lives hold and people should not expect to do so.

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I wish I had the right answers for you. Have you contacted the state or local office on aging? I find that they offer support services for caregivers. If your mom is on a fixed income that is at or below the national poverty line she should qualify for a home health aid via Medicare. AARP has a plethora of resources that may help you as well. I hope this information helps you. I pray that you find the much needed time for yourself and husband soon.

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Although hormone therapy does help a little (it does take a while to figure out the right dosages - for me it took nearly 8 months of balancing them all out), but, the stress is the biggest thing that affects anyone's life - not matter whether it it for engaging in activities, exercise, hobbies, and yes, sex. Heck, when I was under horrible stress - working full time, taking care of my elderly mother, being married, coupled with financial and health issues myself - I didn't even want to cook a meal, read a book or yes, days when I didn't want to get up. Depressed a little- probably. Exhausted - absolutely. Sex was absolutely the last last thought on my mind. A week of uninterrupted sleep in a nice hotel with room service and a white sandy beach to walk on - that was what I wanted!

Hindsight, I should have taken more time for me and my marriage. Me, foremostly. With my 95 yo mother passed, my body is now finally 'relaxing' but after so many years of misuse, I am paying the price. Dont wait for that to happen. Take time for you. One day a week or at least every other week- no elder care, no household chores and responsibilities, no compromises with s.o. Just you. Every 3 months you HAVE to take a weekend off from elder care. Just have to. If need be, hire a service to help your elder parent on that weekend.

I made my elder mother one of my priorities - and now, with her gone, I am no longer able to go do the things I wanted to do. She was at the end of her life, but I was still in the middle of mine. I waited too long. And with another 15-20 years left to my life, I am saddened that so much is no longer an option for me. I 'should' have done those when I was younger and more physically able.

T

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I can totally relate.....regardless of why you are tired (and I sure can understand in this case), people tire more easily as they get older - quite normal; and the bodies of the people change and are not physically attractive any longer; and the body'a reactions to normal stimulus as if you were much younger just start waning. As far as I am concerned, sex is for the younger people and for older people let it be more affection like a nice hug or holding hands or talking. I just do not understand why some men, especially men, think they have to have sex when the poor woman is justifiably physically exhausted. I think they are selfish. And when situations like this where people's presence affects the normal activities of the rest of the family and creates problems, what are you supposed to do. The caretakers have a right to live and the need to live life now - don't be martyrs and give this al up. It is not right. The older people have lived their lives, now it is the turn of the remaining ones.

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