I am taking care of my elderly mom with dementia, I’m not an only child but you would think I am, cause I basically have ALL the responsibility. I just am so tired after taking care of her that I just don’t have any desire for sex with my husband. It just seems like another issue I have to deal with. I’m 61 and have gone through menopause, just started hormones, to see if that helps. I’m just so overwhelmed I don’t want to do anything. I know I am burnt out I have been taking care of her for over 5 years, but there just seems like no end in sight. I just want my life back, I have no time for me anymore. With covid it just makes it hard to feel comfortable putting her in a facility, and she doesn’t have the money for in home care. I just don’t know what to do anymore, just feel so empty.
Hindsight, I should have taken more time for me and my marriage. Me, foremostly. With my 95 yo mother passed, my body is now finally 'relaxing' but after so many years of misuse, I am paying the price. Dont wait for that to happen. Take time for you. One day a week or at least every other week- no elder care, no household chores and responsibilities, no compromises with s.o. Just you. Every 3 months you HAVE to take a weekend off from elder care. Just have to. If need be, hire a service to help your elder parent on that weekend.
I made my elder mother one of my priorities - and now, with her gone, I am no longer able to go do the things I wanted to do. She was at the end of her life, but I was still in the middle of mine. I waited too long. And with another 15-20 years left to my life, I am saddened that so much is no longer an option for me. I 'should' have done those when I was younger and more physically able.
T
There is an old saying if you don't use it, you lose it. At sixty-one, there is no guarantee how long it will be before we lose our health or life for that matter.
As a caregiver myself (paid) it is hard. It is very easy to lose yourself in this field and suffer from burnout. All of us reach the end of our rope realizing that we can't continue on this course without hurting ourselves. Adult Protective Services can step in and assign a social worker to take over the process of placement. Just let them know that you are so burned out and that you cannot do it any longer. It happens to us all. We realize that we can no longer put our entire lives hold and people should not expect to do so.
Try and have some fun with him. You may feel happier.
Stop putting the rest of YOUR life on hold and look into placement for your mom where you can go visit her every day, if you so desire. It's okay to look after yourself and your husband now; nowhere is it written you have to lay down your own life to care for a demented mother at home to your own detriment.
Good luck realizing that your life matters too!
As for your mom, you know what I will say....time for AL. When I finally got my brother convinced, our mom tested with higher needs than we anticipated. Right now she has gone to a dementia facility for rehab after broken hip surgery and fingers crossed, will return to AL but to a smaller, lockdown wing although not in full memory care yet. It has been a lot to do and take in ever since her initial move but every day my brother and I comment on how her staying at home even with one of us would have made life impossible. You are walking the path that we didn't take. It is understandably difficult. The home is good about precautions for covid. We had a 2 week lockdown due to a case on campus but almost every patient is vaxxed and all staff is vaxxed.
It's time to get your life back. Start looking at places. I bet if you start to look that it will help you feel hopeful. Good luck.
Your Dad did not know the future. He cared about you as well as your mother. He would not want you to be like this. He would trust and want you to make your best decision on what is happening now, to you as well as to her. Have trust in him that he would understand what commonsense needs you to do. And trust yourself to value your mother, yourself, your husband and your marriage. Have courage, Margaret