One mid-stage AD and other is Paranoid. My aging parents are mentally not doing well. They continue to act like teenagers and run away without notice-driving to places they have not even figured out whether they have a place to sleep or not. My father, a retired military man of 80, is an overcontrolling, burnedout caregiver of my 76 year old mother who has mid-stage AD. It is upsetting as I quit work once to stabilize them since the County Protection Agency was called and wanted me to put them in a home which they have refused. I am tired of trying to help even though my father will pay me cash to sit and spend time with my mother a few hours a week. He still does not trust me or anyone else and is losing it more and more. He threatens to take sphere of the moment trips with my confused mother who keeps her purse filled like a suitcase. She now thinks she is lives in her mothers home (been dead for over 10 years and lived in Maine). Help!!!
This is one of toughest and most common situations with elders who are stubborn and borderline incompetent. That your Dad is still driving is also something to worry about, and that's also one of the toughest nuts to crack.
My folks are not far behind yours. They're hanging on in there home but won't allow any in home help or discuss assited living, so like many others I'm just waiting for the next crisis that will force the issue. Unfortunately, in many cases like ours that is what it will take to get elders the help they need but are refusing.
I think in your shoes, I'd send a certified letter to APS indicating that you have no POA and thus no ability to spend their money on care. Your father is non compliant with care you have brought in. You tell them that you cannot be responsible for their well being. You let the county step in when things get ugly.
You are not required to ruin your life.
Nothing in our lives prepares us for the day where we have to take the reigns from our parents. It's terrifying. And it has to be done. It is a complete and total surprise to a large number of people, and they feel utterly unprepared to do so. Or even unwilling to face it.
I have walked this path myself and I can tell you that it is life-changing in a way I never expected. If I stuck with what my mom said and demanded all the time, she may be dead right now in her filthy hoarder house.
I had to show some leadership (if that's a nicer word) and do some things that were massively unpopular with her, simply to keep her safe and as well as possible.
There are an awful lot of people here who gave me a swift kick in the can when I needed it to get going and take action. Dementia caregiving requires a very thick skin and a level of creativity I did not expect. I had to grow a thick skin pretty darn quick to survive the rants, raves, fighting, arguing, swearing, foul names, and outright obstruction from other family.
I'm curious what her response is when you say, forcefully "mom, i can't do this any more;we're out of money and i have to go vack to work. Either someone comes in to watch you or you need to live in this nice AL". And if she says "no, i want you to help me", you say " that's not one of the choices mom". I HAVE to go back to work or we'll both be in a homeless shelter.
I realized with my mom that I had to step in - like it or not - because she didn't care if she hit or killed anyone.
These two can no longer be left on their own and need to be in a secure, supervised residence. Ideally, you can find a place where they can be together or at least very near one another inside.
Home care is a reasonable option when the person needing care is not at risk for getting outside on their own. It is extremely difficult to secure a home for anyone who may wander. There is no way to know how long that stage will last. It could be years.
To be blunt again, they don't have a choice anymore about stay at home or be somewhere safe and looked after. Sometimes you have to do what must be done and realize it's for their own good. Yes, there will be fits.
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