My uncle has reached out to me, telling me things that sound like elder abuse, financial exploitation, withholding treatment and comfort care.
Please bear with me, as I can come back later as I am able to explain.
APS was contacted but not by me or my sister. The results were disastrous and we were banned by the family for trying to help. After several months, he now has home delivered meals initiated by my sister months prior. The family were in denial that he could not at times prepare his own meals. He has been moved to his other step-son's home, in a cleaner environment, but alone for 10-12 hrs.
Keeping an eye on his situation:
1) Why can't he have new glasses if he has $5,000/month income?
2) Why can't he have his brace he needs to walk with post-polio syndrome?
3) How can his very ill wife take his income to support her and her 50 y.o. son in the home that he was taken from, and deny him care?
4) How can these 5 people decide to move him away again, always under their control, against his will?
5) He says he has Ca of the lung, and could not even get care in a facility because his wife needs his money for her care.
6) "They" say: "Oh, there is money, in a trust". They appear more interested in protecting their trust money than caring for either my uncle, or his wife, who remains in their home of the last 20+ years after moving in her son.
7) There is more, but I am powerless. It doesn't look good for them when his stepson (his wife's other son) says "Oh, I have his eye Rx in my pocket now". Uncle still doesn't have his glasses, and I believe, since he has 6 months to live, his wife will not allow the glasses.
I have watched real abuse go on since November, and did not report .
Can he have glasses, his brace? Caregivers come in?
His wife's condition is unknown, but her son (living in her and my uncles home) has moved in his friend also. It is as she planned it. She may regret the abuse she will suffer from her own son someday, I fear for her. But no longer concern myself...(erasing all labels now, heart and mind not going there).
My blood relative is alive (without his brace), but alive.
Cwillie was right on again.
He resides with son and daughter-in-law now.
He says soon they will get him a new PCP.
God Bless you Uncle.
Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go.”
Thank you so much, Cwillie! How did you slip that in there, was I sleeping?
One of my favorite verses. Because I understand it, no matter how the theologians interpret it. Fitting for old age, isn' it?
So kind of you!
Uncle has been moved, received his glasses the day before they took him to his own son's home.
He was well enough (was not always ok to dial the phone) to call my sister, so they are in touch. He called her twice this week!
He states that he has an appointment next week for his brace, but states he has no idea how long they will keep him there.
This information is in direct conflict with stepson's statement: " He told me he wanted to go." "He knows what is happening."(That he won't be coming back next week, they have moved him there).
After researching and reading more, lung cancer can be mistaken for an MRSA lung infection. My sister sent Uncle some Manuka honey.
He called her to give her the address.
I am more accepting now that he is with his own son. However, with polio he drags one leg without his brace. Even using a walker, this will limit his mobility.
After making careful plans, considering legal and financial, how does it happen this way, I will always wonder. Guess I have to hang up my idealist
hat, and watch out for predators. Wear something pretty for spring, and wait by the phone for the call: "Can you go get him?"
Wouldn't that be considered elder napping if I did?
His daughter said a few months ago he is dying, has Parkinson's.
Now it is Ca if the lung. She is not reliable, watched her shouting into his ear, lying to him, convincing him to move from his home. She then is not speaking to her brother, the one planning to move him again.
It has all been too much. If this were all that was happening, it would still have been too much.
I no longer believe that we can rely on anything that is said, by any of the family, or by uncle at this point.
When the words don't match the behaviors, watch the behaviors.
Lung cancer is incredibly painful. If there could be a choice in the way to die from it, it would be to die in one's sleep before the most painful moments. I am glad that hospice exists as if that cancer happens to me, I want to sleep through the pain and into eternity.
You said:
"When cancer starts bleeding, Cancer patients get low hemaglobin numbers, which affects their thinking in a similar way to how dementia works. Our oncologist explained that some people die from getting very very sleepy from the blood loss and that they just go to sleep and don't wake up. Low hemoglobin is a peaceful way to go."
Just want you to know I fully understand what you said, and appreciate you offering that clinical fact.
To clarify, you said:
"the stepsons are planning to take care of him going forward, someone takes him to his doctor's appts. "
Stepson - 2 had offered to give him a place to stay. Not become his caregiver.
Stepson-1 has done everything to isolate, divide, and lie about my uncle. At first, prior to fact-checking and seeing with my own eyes, I was believing him too. He is the one who 'Bans' people from the family if they don't do what he says, if they don't ask him. Including my uncle's own daughter, but he has her answering to him now.
Yes, daughter takes him to the doctor, but they won't see him for his UTI because of delays transferring the insurance to his new residence. My sister fixed the insurance part, thus was banned, to put it simply.....they were offended.
Recalling now that APS required the stepson-2 to have a caregiver come in. He had told me just prior to me returning the key to his house, which I did on my own after my sister visited.
Maybe this is not the correct venue to be basically accusing the 'caregivers'
of neglect and financial fraud. We are all caregivers and would be upset to have to explain if the accusations were against us. And in this case, I am a more distant family member, not the caregiver. So I understand the conflict and discomforts.
Stepson-1 is the ATM card carrying bully now living in my Aunt & Uncle's home, using it himself. (belonging to Uncle with Uncle's name on it). Shouldn't stepson-2 or my uncle be carrying that card to have access to my uncle's money? Or does anyone believe this couple's budget (86 and 80) should include support of a third person and vet bills for his and their pets? 5-7 elderly pets.
I don't want to be this person scrutinizing their budget or lifestyle, or having to prove elder neglect, abuse, and fraud. I think it was a better idea to NOT air the family's dirty laundry. I think that my conclusions are not wrong, that there are some serious red flags, ongoing. I was wrong to wait and not report to APS at a time they would have removed both my uncle and aunt from deplorable conditions in their home which happened after Stepson-1 moved in, isolated them both, and when his mother went to the hospital took over their finances (not having POA) , too late now.
Concerns that his wife is still living under those same conditions had to be left as her choice, whether or not her decisions make sense due to her illness. I object. I object to the entire hot mess.
.
What would you report to APS? Do you have a list to relay to them with episodes and facts to back your concerns? If they go to his home, will they find your uncle emaciated, bad personal hygiene, and generally uncared for and neglected? You had stated above that you don't have all the facts due to a schizsm amongst his family. APS will be better equipped to assess your uncle for abuse if you can present your concerns succinctly.
I truly hope this all works out for your uncle. It would wear on me too if I knew my uncle was being abused and was feeling trapped & powerless, and I sense you feel the same.
Also giving consideration to what surprise offered in their post- often patients with dementia/altzheimer's disease are not the most reliable through no fault of their own.
Good luck to you, & bless you for caring so much about him.
As cwillie stated, present things in a positive way to your uncle so as not to stress him even more. Many posters above offered great solutions as well.
Thankful that with age, knowing your limitations is a good thing.
Then there is the tortoise and the hare, slow and steady wins the race.
My sister promised him, "Stick to the plan". She would help.
Not sure what he is asking, except for help because he doesn't want to leave Southern California. He went with stepson to his home last time, after saying he would not go. Signed a paper with his wishes written.
I feel like we failed.
I am not the tortoise and the hare scene. I am pro the nuclear option personality.
Downloaded the APS form for reporting.
I should let this go?
For King & Country
They are inside your head
You got a voice that says
You won't get past this one
You won't win your freedom
It's like a constant war
And you want to settle that score
But you're bruised and beaten
And you feel defeated
This goes out to the heaviest heart
[Chorus:]
Oh, to everyone who's hit their limit
It's not over yet
It's not over ye-et
And even when you think you're finished
It's not over yet
It's not over ye-et
Keep on fighting
Out of the dark
Into the light
It's not over
Hope is rising
Never give in
Never give up
It's not over
Yea-et-et, woah
Yea-et-et, woah
Oh, game set match
It's time to put it in your past, oh
Feel the winter leavin'
It's redemption season
Long live the young at heart (Here we are)
Cheers to a brand new start (Here we are)
We're revived and breathing
To live a life of freedom
[Chorus:]
Oh, to everyone who's hit their limit
It's not over yet
It's not over ye-et
And even when you think you're finished
It's not over yet
It's not over ye-et
Life is a race we run
So run till the race is won
Don't you ever give up (Here we are)
Oh no never give up (Here we are)
Life is a race we run
So run till the race is won
Don't you ever give up (Here we are)
We will never give up (Here we are)
[Chorus:]
Oh, to everyone who's hit their limit
And even when you think you're finished
It's not over yet
Oh, to everyone who's hit their limit
It's not over yet
It's not over ye-et
And even when you think you're finished
It's not over yet
It's not over ye-et
Keep on fighting
Out of the dark
Into the light
It's not over
Hope is rising
Never give in
Never give up
It's not over
Yea-et-et, woah
We will lose touch once he is moved.
Goodbye dear Uncle.....it's not over yet.....as I am writing this, the loudest thunder happened out of nowhere, sun was there, now cloudy, grey, rain or hail. For those who may believe that God speaks through His creation,
it is really hailing now. Thundershowers were forecast.
Godspeed dear Uncle....
Why I kept trying. What was the truth. How is it that they chose to live that way.
No longer waiting for them to explain, or do something about anything, I am not going to wait, or pin any hopes that they will do what's right. Deep breath. Tough love.
Thanks for asking, Tacy.
Surprise, And thank you for your contribution also. My father died of lung cancer, one year after diagnosis; , then my mother's next husband died of
lung cancer in 3 months.
When cancer starts bleeding, Cancer patients get low hemaglobin numbers, which affects their thinking in a similar way to how dementia works. Our oncologist explained that some people die from getting very very sleepy from the blood loss and that they just go to sleep and don't wake up. Low hemoglobin is a peaceful way to go.
I was surprised when mthr's friends did not want to do anything but send cards, but since I found that unmailed letter, I understand better. No one enjoys the drama of a scared elder. No one knows what's really going on. I was an abused child, so I knew the best place for mthr was in an institutional setting where no one could accuse me of abusing her. I'm glad I did - her attorney's brother stopped in for an unexpected visit some time before I found the letter, and was surprised she was still in the memory care unit. He went out and found her clean, dry, and 50 lbs heavier than the last time he'd seen her, in a lovely suite with new furniture I'd bought her. He had no complaints to take home!
I'm sorry your uncle stressing you. I think the best advice is from cwillie above - put on a happy face and have a positive outlook on life. Don't get drawn in. And if you need to, set more firm boundaries and step back from the situation. Send cards. And pray.
With the exception that all 5 were believing that Uncle was the a**hole, lol.
Will not have a problem playing dumb, if it is in Uncle's best interests.
It is my sister who's role has always been to accept the role of being the bad guy. She also cannot continue this role after his son threatened her with bodily harm. We are now just the miserable nieces.
It is not what I would wish on anyone, what has happened to my uncle.
I can, however, put this in a perspective that will no longer hurt me, and I thank you for your advice!
And you too, CM, and Tacy.
But to not have basic needs met...to by default allow her bully stepson to in fact be in control of their money, would never be Uncle's choice.
My uncle just is not up for a fight, a legal battle, and neither am I, wanting him to have as peaceful a life as possible with his remaining years.
Thanks for listening.....and I apologize to family reading this....identified only by their hurtful selfish behaviors....similar to so many others....you could be mistaken for just any predator.
APS investigated, causing the move away from his wife and a**hole stepson.
Good stepson is overwhelmed with care and responsibilities and they won't cough up the funds for outside caregivers.
Bio family proposes another move to bio son and DIL's home.
Auntie is ill and maybe is being manipulated by her son, or maybe is just enmeshed with his scheming, dysfunctional ways.
You are angry, sad, and basically powerless.
((HUGS)) I think your role has to be to play cheerful and stupid... You need glasses, well I'm sure stepson will take care of it soon! Moving in with son and DIL will be SO nice! Reassure him, cheer him, do whatever it takes to bolster his spirit, even if it is a bold faced lie. Sorry, but I can't see anything else that won't just stir the pot and get you nowhere.
Cwillie, The Ca diagnosis has just been given, Uncle agrees to no treatment, and did not want even the lung biopsy. Six months to live, he was told. Six months is the time given by doctors when they do not understand that there will be a family member praying for his comfort, and many non-denominational and catholic church members praying for him and his wife.
As well as other believers.....loving people even on this forum, please.
I was making reference to the confusion over the past 4 years of whether he is competent, has or does not have alzheimers/dementia. He forgets, falls, has agitation that family describes as "he is an a**hole".
He is the nicest man I have ever known, was there for my mother after she divorced, and was there for all three of us siblings as we were growing.
My aunt was great too! Under pressure from his daughter: "don't spend my inheritance" trust plans were made.
So, there, I have said too much.
I would like to see both her and my uncle live comfortably in assisted living...
living out their last days comfortable.
And to please give up this "save the money" , we cannot afford it...etc.
while supporting two households, and a derelict son.
Uncle receives home delivered meals free, I am told. His separate income is at least $5000/ mo.
I apologize if this must be making everyone uncomfortable.
Now you know part of why I have been so, well, so very.....Very.
My uncle is not a complainer, is not histrionic. As an example to not tell or out his wife for spending a whole lot of money on the adult children, he explains to my sister: "She has always been very generous to her children".
When she moved in her adult son, Uncle was so very against this, and the 3 adults using one toilet etc. (other major problems), uncle said: "It is what she wants"; "We will just ignore him".....That stepson banned me from the family-uncle called me and said come over anyway, now, just come over.
Let yourself in. Then, stepson started locking the door, asking, what are you doing here? We have food. Don't come over, etc.
Then Uncle was removed from his home, the abusive bully staying.
Should a 50 y.o. man be changing his mother's diapers when he will not even change the cat litter boxes for 5 cats? (Sorry, that sounded judgmental).
Her response? "He has never been very good at that".
Looks like it was a takeover by the son who had everything to gain, even if his mother had died, he would have her house. They already sold my uncle's home 3 years ago, where this son was living, and the money is gone.
The on again off again cancer diagnosis... well it's confusing, but one would think that untreated lung cancer would be progressing, perhaps it was a false diagnosis? (Not unheard of, I know of someone it happened to)
Since you were seemingly unjustly blamed and banished for calling APS the first time around what harm can come from asking them for a follow up, listing all your concerns?
Uncle told me he refused a lung biopsy and they will treat it palliatively.
A man who is the silent type, never cries, taken care of everyone, he cried.
Please be patient as I read back a ways, so I can answer properly.