My uncle has reached out to me, telling me things that sound like elder abuse, financial exploitation, withholding treatment and comfort care.
Please bear with me, as I can come back later as I am able to explain.
APS was contacted but not by me or my sister. The results were disastrous and we were banned by the family for trying to help. After several months, he now has home delivered meals initiated by my sister months prior. The family were in denial that he could not at times prepare his own meals. He has been moved to his other step-son's home, in a cleaner environment, but alone for 10-12 hrs.
Keeping an eye on his situation:
1) Why can't he have new glasses if he has $5,000/month income?
2) Why can't he have his brace he needs to walk with post-polio syndrome?
3) How can his very ill wife take his income to support her and her 50 y.o. son in the home that he was taken from, and deny him care?
4) How can these 5 people decide to move him away again, always under their control, against his will?
5) He says he has Ca of the lung, and could not even get care in a facility because his wife needs his money for her care.
6) "They" say: "Oh, there is money, in a trust". They appear more interested in protecting their trust money than caring for either my uncle, or his wife, who remains in their home of the last 20+ years after moving in her son.
7) There is more, but I am powerless. It doesn't look good for them when his stepson (his wife's other son) says "Oh, I have his eye Rx in my pocket now". Uncle still doesn't have his glasses, and I believe, since he has 6 months to live, his wife will not allow the glasses.
I have watched real abuse go on since November, and did not report .
Can he have glasses, his brace? Caregivers come in?
My sister and I may take this public to the media because the next step would be a public guardian, a big fight. There are other family but they too have been banned, and do not know the truth.
Should the family be contacted?
Through default, claiming ignorance, these five people have perpetrated a scam on this elderly man, who still loves his wife and wants to live near her.
When he is again sent away, too far to visit.....too far to help......against his will.......he is 86, in case any "family" are reading this and cannot see their own father in this scenario.
He has lost capacity and has said "Yes" under pressure, but he does not want to move again, further from his wife.
What is your status with the family now, are you still persona non grata? If so, how are you getting news about his situation?
Does he have any children, or is it just his step family? And has he been a parent to those children, or is he merely their mother's spouse to them?
His stepson where he lives now said he is like a father to him, he loves him, he can live there forever. That may have changed, I don't know, will not ask for more lies. There are five, in total, moving him around against his will.
It appears, looking in from the outside, and from what I can determine is credible coming from an 86 y.o. with (dementia/alzheimers?), that there is elder financial abuse. He is also a fall risk.
My guess is that uncle's wife won't free up enough money for caregivers to come in to help my uncle to not be alone 10-12 hours.
His son and daughter plan to move him to son's home, farther away. Son's wife (they have a child) will caregive for free, putting a burden on her bad back.
Except for being alone, lacking his glasses and a brace, his own daughter upsetting him, his family planning/forcing another move, he is in no immediate danger.
No one will admit to his diagnosis, it was stated, then retracted, not acknowleged. Then, it's "I don't know". Of course it is that they "don't know", because he could not be competently signing his pension check over to his wife, they -all five of them under control of the very ill wife-if he was incompetent. He has not been declared incompetent, does not know if anyone has POA, his step-son said my uncle has control over his own money. Their motivation is to keep it the same, using his money, with family having full access to his income and bank accounts for their own use. Then, denying him care.
Uncle has stated, going unwillingly to his stepson's home in January, it is not ideal, but his wife was supposed to live there too. She is not coming. If she knew that, he could have stayed in their home, brought in caregivers, instead of her bully son who verbally abused my uncle (and other things observed by me and a visiting nurse), they fired her and told me he did not need food prepared.
Only the stepson living off his Mom is a bully. Not feeding her as she goes to the hospital the next day, blaming my uncle for not changing her diaper, when her son is supposed to be the caregiver and was not even home that night.
That is a whole another story, my uncle was removed from slovenly conditions by the other stepson who loves him. omg, this is hard, very personal. Was it okay to try and expose the truth? Is this okay? I am sure it is not okay with them. I saw this stepson swipe an 18 y.o. cat off the counter and a week later complain on facebook he has to get money to have the cat put down-will ask his mother in the hospital.....That is in the past.
Could you compile a list of questions you would ask if you were Queen Social Worker, and take it to the police, and just get their advice? Things like:
Is he or is he not attending medical appointments relevant to his cancer?
What palliative care is he receiving, and by whom is it being delivered?
What one person is taking responsibility for his ADL/everyday welfare?
What one person is taking responsibility for his finances, and where are these being accounted for?
Unless these questions can be answered satisfactorily, I don't see how the safeguarding authorities can just walk away from it. But I realise that you can hardly contact APS yourself. It's a bummer.
Who did your sister arrange the meals-on-wheels through? What about the agency whose nurse was dismissed? There must be a lot of people thinking questions but not asking them.
It *could* be that a very difficult situation is being handled, but messily. But that's not good enough just to turn a blind eye to. Of course you're right to speak up!
1) Should hospice come in?
2) It appears he has no more rights, even to choose his own residence.
3) It was reported by his wife that there was a time he gave up about two years ago and refused to eat.
Since this has all been too much family dysfunction for me (toxic); and I cannot sleep or get this out of my mind and heart, that prior to these past 4-6 months I was an occasional visitor to their home.....
I advised my uncle to call APS himself first.
Uncle told me he refused a lung biopsy and they will treat it palliatively.
A man who is the silent type, never cries, taken care of everyone, he cried.
Please be patient as I read back a ways, so I can answer properly.
The on again off again cancer diagnosis... well it's confusing, but one would think that untreated lung cancer would be progressing, perhaps it was a false diagnosis? (Not unheard of, I know of someone it happened to)
Since you were seemingly unjustly blamed and banished for calling APS the first time around what harm can come from asking them for a follow up, listing all your concerns?
My uncle is not a complainer, is not histrionic. As an example to not tell or out his wife for spending a whole lot of money on the adult children, he explains to my sister: "She has always been very generous to her children".
When she moved in her adult son, Uncle was so very against this, and the 3 adults using one toilet etc. (other major problems), uncle said: "It is what she wants"; "We will just ignore him".....That stepson banned me from the family-uncle called me and said come over anyway, now, just come over.
Let yourself in. Then, stepson started locking the door, asking, what are you doing here? We have food. Don't come over, etc.
Then Uncle was removed from his home, the abusive bully staying.
Should a 50 y.o. man be changing his mother's diapers when he will not even change the cat litter boxes for 5 cats? (Sorry, that sounded judgmental).
Her response? "He has never been very good at that".
Looks like it was a takeover by the son who had everything to gain, even if his mother had died, he would have her house. They already sold my uncle's home 3 years ago, where this son was living, and the money is gone.
I would like to see both her and my uncle live comfortably in assisted living...
living out their last days comfortable.
And to please give up this "save the money" , we cannot afford it...etc.
while supporting two households, and a derelict son.
Uncle receives home delivered meals free, I am told. His separate income is at least $5000/ mo.
I apologize if this must be making everyone uncomfortable.
Now you know part of why I have been so, well, so very.....Very.
Cwillie, The Ca diagnosis has just been given, Uncle agrees to no treatment, and did not want even the lung biopsy. Six months to live, he was told. Six months is the time given by doctors when they do not understand that there will be a family member praying for his comfort, and many non-denominational and catholic church members praying for him and his wife.
As well as other believers.....loving people even on this forum, please.
I was making reference to the confusion over the past 4 years of whether he is competent, has or does not have alzheimers/dementia. He forgets, falls, has agitation that family describes as "he is an a**hole".
He is the nicest man I have ever known, was there for my mother after she divorced, and was there for all three of us siblings as we were growing.
My aunt was great too! Under pressure from his daughter: "don't spend my inheritance" trust plans were made.
So, there, I have said too much.
APS investigated, causing the move away from his wife and a**hole stepson.
Good stepson is overwhelmed with care and responsibilities and they won't cough up the funds for outside caregivers.
Bio family proposes another move to bio son and DIL's home.
Auntie is ill and maybe is being manipulated by her son, or maybe is just enmeshed with his scheming, dysfunctional ways.
You are angry, sad, and basically powerless.
((HUGS)) I think your role has to be to play cheerful and stupid... You need glasses, well I'm sure stepson will take care of it soon! Moving in with son and DIL will be SO nice! Reassure him, cheer him, do whatever it takes to bolster his spirit, even if it is a bold faced lie. Sorry, but I can't see anything else that won't just stir the pot and get you nowhere.
But to not have basic needs met...to by default allow her bully stepson to in fact be in control of their money, would never be Uncle's choice.
My uncle just is not up for a fight, a legal battle, and neither am I, wanting him to have as peaceful a life as possible with his remaining years.
Thanks for listening.....and I apologize to family reading this....identified only by their hurtful selfish behaviors....similar to so many others....you could be mistaken for just any predator.
With the exception that all 5 were believing that Uncle was the a**hole, lol.
Will not have a problem playing dumb, if it is in Uncle's best interests.
It is my sister who's role has always been to accept the role of being the bad guy. She also cannot continue this role after his son threatened her with bodily harm. We are now just the miserable nieces.
It is not what I would wish on anyone, what has happened to my uncle.
I can, however, put this in a perspective that will no longer hurt me, and I thank you for your advice!
And you too, CM, and Tacy.
When cancer starts bleeding, Cancer patients get low hemaglobin numbers, which affects their thinking in a similar way to how dementia works. Our oncologist explained that some people die from getting very very sleepy from the blood loss and that they just go to sleep and don't wake up. Low hemoglobin is a peaceful way to go.
I was surprised when mthr's friends did not want to do anything but send cards, but since I found that unmailed letter, I understand better. No one enjoys the drama of a scared elder. No one knows what's really going on. I was an abused child, so I knew the best place for mthr was in an institutional setting where no one could accuse me of abusing her. I'm glad I did - her attorney's brother stopped in for an unexpected visit some time before I found the letter, and was surprised she was still in the memory care unit. He went out and found her clean, dry, and 50 lbs heavier than the last time he'd seen her, in a lovely suite with new furniture I'd bought her. He had no complaints to take home!
I'm sorry your uncle stressing you. I think the best advice is from cwillie above - put on a happy face and have a positive outlook on life. Don't get drawn in. And if you need to, set more firm boundaries and step back from the situation. Send cards. And pray.
Why I kept trying. What was the truth. How is it that they chose to live that way.
No longer waiting for them to explain, or do something about anything, I am not going to wait, or pin any hopes that they will do what's right. Deep breath. Tough love.
Thanks for asking, Tacy.
Surprise, And thank you for your contribution also. My father died of lung cancer, one year after diagnosis; , then my mother's next husband died of
lung cancer in 3 months.
We will lose touch once he is moved.
Goodbye dear Uncle.....it's not over yet.....as I am writing this, the loudest thunder happened out of nowhere, sun was there, now cloudy, grey, rain or hail. For those who may believe that God speaks through His creation,
it is really hailing now. Thundershowers were forecast.
Godspeed dear Uncle....
For King & Country
They are inside your head
You got a voice that says
You won't get past this one
You won't win your freedom
It's like a constant war
And you want to settle that score
But you're bruised and beaten
And you feel defeated
This goes out to the heaviest heart
[Chorus:]
Oh, to everyone who's hit their limit
It's not over yet
It's not over ye-et
And even when you think you're finished
It's not over yet
It's not over ye-et
Keep on fighting
Out of the dark
Into the light
It's not over
Hope is rising
Never give in
Never give up
It's not over
Yea-et-et, woah
Yea-et-et, woah
Oh, game set match
It's time to put it in your past, oh
Feel the winter leavin'
It's redemption season
Long live the young at heart (Here we are)
Cheers to a brand new start (Here we are)
We're revived and breathing
To live a life of freedom
[Chorus:]
Oh, to everyone who's hit their limit
It's not over yet
It's not over ye-et
And even when you think you're finished
It's not over yet
It's not over ye-et
Life is a race we run
So run till the race is won
Don't you ever give up (Here we are)
Oh no never give up (Here we are)
Life is a race we run
So run till the race is won
Don't you ever give up (Here we are)
We will never give up (Here we are)
[Chorus:]
Oh, to everyone who's hit their limit
And even when you think you're finished
It's not over yet
Oh, to everyone who's hit their limit
It's not over yet
It's not over ye-et
And even when you think you're finished
It's not over yet
It's not over ye-et
Keep on fighting
Out of the dark
Into the light
It's not over
Hope is rising
Never give in
Never give up
It's not over
Yea-et-et, woah
Then there is the tortoise and the hare, slow and steady wins the race.
My sister promised him, "Stick to the plan". She would help.
Not sure what he is asking, except for help because he doesn't want to leave Southern California. He went with stepson to his home last time, after saying he would not go. Signed a paper with his wishes written.
I feel like we failed.
I am not the tortoise and the hare scene. I am pro the nuclear option personality.
Downloaded the APS form for reporting.
I should let this go?