My wife with dementia is in the psyh ward of our local hospital. I have been visiting every day for as long as they permit, helping her with meals, removing her restraints and walking with her. Am I helping or interfering with her care? The nurse and caregivers are are so nice they would not ask me to be less involved. But I feel my being there prevents them from doing what is best for my wife, such as restraining her, and undermines their authority in her mind and is not helpful. Should I practice tough love and reduce my interference for my wife's sake.
#1 Does your wife realize it's you?
#2 Does the staff say she cries after you leave?
#3 Have you asked the staff's advice?
#4 Have you asked the Hospitalist what to do? (BUMP THIS UP TO NUMBER ONE QUESTION!)
Btw, I love that you are a go-getter type of person. It is just maybe this is not that type of circumstance, imo. Your interest though, is probably appreciated by Warren and others, so don't go away.
Just thinking...one way to help is revisiting her meds... sometimes certain meds repel eachother causing strange reactions. Especially antipsychotics. I saw that with my alzheimers mom. When l took away antipsychotics my mom calmed down.
There is another consideration, though: if *you're* finding it harrowing, or hard to keep up with, you must not feel bad about taking time out or just easing up a little. Don't forget this is a really rough time for you, too, and you need to give yourself the occasional break.
My sister spent many times in psych units. My visit was able to turn her direction around, one time, when others did not know her and kept applying general rules etc, and she thought she was evil and should be locked up. As her sister, I was able to say, no, I know you and you may sometimes be thoughtless but you have been a caring and helpful person. You're not "evil", sometimes you are "a pain in the ..." And I helped her, we did coloring together when I was there, both enjoyed. And I urged her to say thank you whenever she could, to staff - within a few weeks she was having no more crises, and she gradually recovered her identity as a leader with a good heart.
I would include some times with your wife, that you start to work on telling her you will leave in half an hour, ask her if there's "anything else" you can focus on while you're there - asking that way helps my disabled bro to suddenly find some issue, and we talk about it. When I leave, I always hug and say I'm glad to see you, you're doing great, keep it up. Then any more hugs as needed, but once you're leaving be sure to leave.
Too many people don't set any limits, and then over-commit and get tired, or when they start giving them, don't give much warning, then get upset and show anger during the departure - all unhelpful ways that don't help a fragile or frightened person to trust and take departure as part of the process.
I figure psych hospitals are not just about meds, but about the chance to have some limits placed, in a place where staff will allow them to learn to meet them, for too often in homes, limit setting involves endless conversations, which are in the end, held against the pt., but using loving, yet clear and generally firm strategies, can help all work well together.
However, you do have to consider yourself, as well. This is for the long haul and if your physical or emotional health breaks down you will both suffer. You need to take some time for yourself and do what you enjoy - guilt free.
Try to find a balance that is best for your wife and still gives you breathing room. I can only think that your visits are helpful in that people can easily feel abandoned if they don't see people they love. But every day may not be the best.
Talk with your spiritual leader if you feel that would help.
Again, balance is what it's about. Take care of yourself and you are taking care of your wife.
Carol
As several posters have pointed out, the nice professionals really would be honest about it if your visits were interfering with your wife's progress.
And as Sunnygirl points out, your strength and stamina need to be considered, too. If the visits are getting to be too much for you, it is OK to cut back some.
You are getting good advice here!
8/26/2016 6:06 AM
What kind of PT and speech therapists are they? Many encourage family participation because it can be an aid to the patient.
I found it very annoying to be in a bed or chair with an alarm plugged in because they said I was fall risk and not allowed to move to sit on the bedside commode without summoning an Aide.
No one can tell how much your wife comprehends at this time but if she appears to be comforted by your presence keep up the good work you cannily do good. however i would add do take some time for yourself, you need to be strong if she returns home.
You are being very helpful to the staff because all the time you spend with your wife is time spared for them.
In general, when a dementia patient is making a permanent transition to a facility, if they have been prone to throwing tantrums, for lack of a better word, some places advise families to stay away for a week while the patient gets settled. (I could never do that to my mom; she doesn't have tantrums).
But your wife isn't making a permanent transition to a psych hospital, at least I don't believe so. She's there to get her meds adjusted. Tough love works when the patient has the capacity to learn from it. Sadly, most late stage dementia patients (which I believe is how you characterized your wife in another post) no longer have the capacity to learn from experiences.
But I would be guided by the professional, supervisory staff in this instance.