MIL, 87, has always been a critical person to the point our daughters have not seen her in years. She always body shamed them, make rude hurtful comments about their looks (which they are stunning), choice of colleges and career path, call them inappropriate names when talking about their boyfriends etc. this all started when they were young (body shaming, looks) to the point it added to our daughters mental health issues during their teens years. We were able to shield them when MIL moved out of state but now that we moved MIL to a facility near us, my husband wants them to visit their grandmother. Our girls are 22 and 24. The 24 yr old has an awesome career but battles MH issues which I am convinced MILs comments assisted with these MH issues(not all just contributed) to where she battled an ED. The 22 yr old is in law school and she too battles MH. My concern is that I do not want them to be subject to these harmful comments, not even as adults. They have no desire to go visit as well, as they remember how hurtful MIL was and still can be. I do not feel it is necessary to have them visit. MIL looks at pictures of them and never says negative comments but you never know what will come out of MILs mouth. Am I wrong in protecting my adult children who suffer from MH concerns, I don’t see the point of it especially since MIL won’t remember they were there. I asked my girls who would like to come and decorate grandmas room for Christmas…their response was….will she be there? That tells me they are not ready to see her for fear of past experiences. Help me help my husband understand.
You may want to point out to your husband that he is exhibiting the same sort of behaviours as his mother in expecting them to put themselves in harms way.
I think you're using the wrong terminology. You can't "protect" them from these situations. As others here have said, they are 22 and 24 and have the right to decide if/when/under which circumstances they visit grandma. I will offer you advice to change your terminology from "protect" to "support", especially when you are discussing this issue with your husband. "Protect" has connotations that MIL is the enemy, and likely puts your husband in the frame of mind that makes him feel as if he is being forced to choose his daughters or his mom. "Support" their decision to visit/not visit puts all you (yourself, husband, daughters) on the same "team", so to speak, without forcing your husband into a corner about his mom. It also puts your daughters on alert that, while their decision to NOT visit grandma might be the absolutely right one as far as their mental health is concerned, there might be an uncomfortable conversation they will need to have with dad, if he's not on board, because his feelings are valid and should be acknowledged by your daughters, too. We don't all have to agree with someone's decisions in order to offer them support, as long as those decisions aren't destructive.
Good luck.
My mother also has dementia and has treated my 28 y/o daughter with disdain for her whole life. She's been 'too fat' and too this and too that and blah blah, so she's hurt my daughter's feelings for YEARS now. So my DD decides if and when she visits my mother and whether she wants to call her, not me or anyone else. My DD has a large heart and is an RN so she does visit and call her sometimes, purely out of the goodness of her heart, which I give her credit for. But again, it's up to HER how she handles her own life, nobody else. I was able to protect her as a small child and yanked her OUT of my mother's presence, but not as a grown woman nowadays.
Nobody has to make your husband understand anything; your daughters are entitled to do as they wish and if your husband doesn't agree with their choices, he should take it up with THEM!
FYI - I cut off relationships with my own grandparents who were toxic and critical when I was a young mother. I could not allow them to hurt another generation. I did go visit them before each of them passed away. My children did not miss them and were better off without their influence.
Does their father "get" that?
If your girls are seeing mental health providers, it's a good issue to bring up in therapy.
Do you know if you try to control this situation to keep MIL isolated from people she loves could wind up with charges against you for elder abuse?
Just knock it off and STOP trying to control others.t
And do not discourage daughters from visiting either. Reminding you that this is their decision!
Daughter's mental health problems could at least partially be cause by someone, you, trying to control them. Think about that and just let them grow up.
But, OP, the choice is on your daughters who are adults.
As they are now adults, though, I'd make it clear that from now on you and DH will be doing different things when it comes to his mother, and as you are doing such, whatever they wish to do is also fine.