MIL, 87, has always been a critical person to the point our daughters have not seen her in years. She always body shamed them, make rude hurtful comments about their looks (which they are stunning), choice of colleges and career path, call them inappropriate names when talking about their boyfriends etc. this all started when they were young (body shaming, looks) to the point it added to our daughters mental health issues during their teens years. We were able to shield them when MIL moved out of state but now that we moved MIL to a facility near us, my husband wants them to visit their grandmother. Our girls are 22 and 24. The 24 yr old has an awesome career but battles MH issues which I am convinced MILs comments assisted with these MH issues(not all just contributed) to where she battled an ED. The 22 yr old is in law school and she too battles MH. My concern is that I do not want them to be subject to these harmful comments, not even as adults. They have no desire to go visit as well, as they remember how hurtful MIL was and still can be. I do not feel it is necessary to have them visit. MIL looks at pictures of them and never says negative comments but you never know what will come out of MILs mouth. Am I wrong in protecting my adult children who suffer from MH concerns, I don’t see the point of it especially since MIL won’t remember they were there. I asked my girls who would like to come and decorate grandmas room for Christmas…their response was….will she be there? That tells me they are not ready to see her for fear of past experiences. Help me help my husband understand.
I wonder if your husband, seeing his mother's advanced age, is still wishing for some praise/recognition of his daughters. The expected pattern is that grandparents give affection generously to grandchildren, and sound like his mother was not able to do this for them..and probably not able to be generous in spirit to anyone.
It's ok to wish one more time for a change, before she dies/fails to recognize him.
It's also ok for your daughters to tell him directly why they choose not to visit his mother.
I hope that MIL doesn’t subject you to the same insults, but if so and you too have to go, you can go for the ear plugs as well. That infection gets about a bit! It could be quite interesting to find out if MIL bothers with the insults if she knows they won’t be heard. Definitely prove to DH that it’s deliberate, not just part of the ‘disease’!
I understand that your husband is wishing that it could be different now and that the girls would want to visit; I appreciate him calling him Mom out on her comments years ago but try as you might, you can't re write history. In spite of his call outs, they were around her long enough for her comments to do damage and they don't want to go down that ugly road again. And while he may wish things were different, he should not want them to walk that road either. Let him visit his mother and then come home and enjoy his wife and his loving daughters and be happy and grateful that he has that. It is more than some folks have.
Peace.
But if your husband feels bad, then maybe the way he can feel better is to spend double the amount of time with his mother to make up for it!
And your daughters are at an age where they should feel comfortable and empowered making their own decisions on whether they want to see their grandmother or not - and not feel obligated.
Do you know if you try to control this situation to keep MIL isolated from people she loves could wind up with charges against you for elder abuse?
Just knock it off and STOP trying to control others.t
And do not discourage daughters from visiting either. Reminding you that this is their decision!
Daughter's mental health problems could at least partially be cause by someone, you, trying to control them. Think about that and just let them grow up.
But, OP, the choice is on your daughters who are adults.
As they are now adults, though, I'd make it clear that from now on you and DH will be doing different things when it comes to his mother, and as you are doing such, whatever they wish to do is also fine.
Does their father "get" that?
If your girls are seeing mental health providers, it's a good issue to bring up in therapy.
FYI - I cut off relationships with my own grandparents who were toxic and critical when I was a young mother. I could not allow them to hurt another generation. I did go visit them before each of them passed away. My children did not miss them and were better off without their influence.
I think you recognize and validate their feelings but also explain that in life when someone does that to them it is usually someone who is or was deeply hurt themselves and it was never about their value at all - At these ages it is also important to know that in life we get to choose if we can give to someone else (even when it is hard). They don’t have to spend all day - they can pop in if they like - they can leave when they want and that it is their choice. Sometimes we do for others even when they can do for us. Again - I am not suggesting you tell them to go - it should be their choice and what they feel they can give or not give at this time.
Go ahead and have your holidays without MIL. Like you say, she won't remember.
One of your questions asks if you should stop letting your MILs daughter have any contact, now it's your grown daughters.
Why do you hate this woman and want to isolate her?
To bad you didn't protect your daughters when grandma was talking smack to them as kids. Maybe they wouldn't have MH issues if mom would have told a healthy grandma to stfu and leave them alone. Their issues are not all her fault, you subjected them to her. Sorry, not sorry.
OP, I suggest that you yourself lean back from helping MIL. You burned out on her attitude already, and she's in a facility already. You don't like her (I don't like my MIL especially either) but with these children fully of age, they already know they can go see her. Just put no pressure on them either way.
My mother also has dementia and has treated my 28 y/o daughter with disdain for her whole life. She's been 'too fat' and too this and too that and blah blah, so she's hurt my daughter's feelings for YEARS now. So my DD decides if and when she visits my mother and whether she wants to call her, not me or anyone else. My DD has a large heart and is an RN so she does visit and call her sometimes, purely out of the goodness of her heart, which I give her credit for. But again, it's up to HER how she handles her own life, nobody else. I was able to protect her as a small child and yanked her OUT of my mother's presence, but not as a grown woman nowadays.
Nobody has to make your husband understand anything; your daughters are entitled to do as they wish and if your husband doesn't agree with their choices, he should take it up with THEM!
You may want to point out to your husband that he is exhibiting the same sort of behaviours as his mother in expecting them to put themselves in harms way.
I think you're using the wrong terminology. You can't "protect" them from these situations. As others here have said, they are 22 and 24 and have the right to decide if/when/under which circumstances they visit grandma. I will offer you advice to change your terminology from "protect" to "support", especially when you are discussing this issue with your husband. "Protect" has connotations that MIL is the enemy, and likely puts your husband in the frame of mind that makes him feel as if he is being forced to choose his daughters or his mom. "Support" their decision to visit/not visit puts all you (yourself, husband, daughters) on the same "team", so to speak, without forcing your husband into a corner about his mom. It also puts your daughters on alert that, while their decision to NOT visit grandma might be the absolutely right one as far as their mental health is concerned, there might be an uncomfortable conversation they will need to have with dad, if he's not on board, because his feelings are valid and should be acknowledged by your daughters, too. We don't all have to agree with someone's decisions in order to offer them support, as long as those decisions aren't destructive.
Good luck.
But I would tell them if they do want to visit set boundaries or ground rules.
If at any time MIL makes a comment they find insulting, inappropriate they have every right to end the conversation and get up and leave.
And it should go something like this.
"I am not going to listen to that so I am going to leave" Then get up and leave.
MIL with dementia she is not going to understand cause/effect and she probably has not changed so they should not expect that she has. But if they decide to visit one time then they have a clear conscious in not making a return visit.
IMO ur girls should be passed GMoms former critcism. It should not be effecting their lives now since they know none of it is true. They should be somewhat comfortable with themselves. But, that does not mean they need to deal with grandma. Maybe, one time, you can all visit Gma, husband included.
If she starts in on the girls, they can walk out. Then explain to Gma and DH that no one appreciates criticism and because Gma always has, the girls refuse to put up with it now.
I worked with a woman who felt she was entitled to criticize. We ignored it. These people never seem to see their own faults.
While I so wish this was true, from my experience with my daughter this is not necessarily the case. My daughter is going to be 21 in a few weeks, and she still suffers with her anxiety/depression, some of which stems from her image of herself. In fact, I had a 40 minute conversation with her the other evening when she was swearing she was going to look into getting breast reduction surgery - which came out of trying to find a dress for a formal occasion at school. Believe me, there are times I just want to scream at her to not worry about what other people's opinions about her looks are, but it won't do any good; once she gets into that sort of frame of mind, there's really no doing much more than offering a willing ear to listen. It's so frustrating to both of us, because I've never been one who has worried about other people's opinions about my looks and can't understand why she's so obsessed about it, and SHE can't understand why I don't understand her heartbreak about it. I was truly hoping that by this age she would have "gotten over it", but so far, she has not.
As far as criticism from family members - well, my mom had this terrible habit of saying (when you tried on new clothes) "it would look better if you lost some weight". She said it about herself, too, when she tried on things. She didn't say it to be cruel; but I finally had to tell her to cease and desist the comment when she spoke to my daughter, because that comment would totally devastate her. I'm sure my mom wasn't trying to hurt anyone's feelings; it was more a matter of "well, you asked for my opinion and I'm giving it to you". But whatever the reason, it hurt my daughter's feelings every time; if you're already body conscious, I don't know if there's an easy way to "get over it".