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My 87 y.o. father recently chose to move from his senior apartment into a small room in a retirement home on the same street. When he did so, the generally minor memory problems that he has been exhibiting for the past couple of years grew into a larger confusion. Clearly his issues are deeper than we knew. He now doesn't really believe the place he is living in is his and he often says he wants to go "home," not to his previous apartment, but to either the town where he spent most of his working life or the town where he went to college.


My question here is this - does anyone have experience with this sort of thing and if so, is it a good or bad idea for us to take him on day or weekend trips to these locations that he so fondly remembers and wants to return to? My brother and I, who live in other states but try to visit him for a few days once a month, would like to take him to visit these places that meant so much to him, but I fear that such visits may only intensify his confusion or unhappiness with his current situation when we return to the retirement home and then lead to him trying to find a way out of there.


Am I overthinking it? Should we just take him to these places that he loves to make him happy and not worry that it'll just make things worse?


Thank you for your thoughts.

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Taking him "home" will never satisfy him because the home in his mind doesn't exist the way he remembers it and the people he thinks he'll see there will either be unrecognizable (because they've aged since 1950) or are long gone. Enter his reality as much as possible - put together an album of pictures so you can reminisce with him, ask him to tell you stories about those places and people and why they mean so much to him.
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Maaluu Aug 2020
Good idea about the photos. I have been asking him for stories about his life and he definitely enjoys talking about his past, but I haven't pulled out the pictures to see what may be there. Thank you!
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This is pretty much universal behaviour for dementia, and no, taking him to the place, or trying to explain he is at his home, will not help.
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Maaluu Aug 2020
Thank you for your thoughts.
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Taking him out to drive around may be more beneficial than going to his old stomping grounds. Look at fall foliage. Drive through a neighborhood and count flags or maple trees or anything recognizable. You could park alongside a golf course and watch the players. Go to a dog park if he likes dogs, and watch. Talk about dogs he owned, or golf courses he played etc. Drive around a local college campus and talk about his college days. Essentially, drive to anyplace that is like a place in his past and talk about his similar experience. A church, a factory, an office building . Wander around in a local hardware store (not like Lowes or Home Depot, a small one).
This will open opportunity to learn some of his old stories, let him reminisce but not make him face drastic changes to places he recalls.
Best of luck to you.
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Maaluu Aug 2020
Love these ideas. Thank you.
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The best advice you can get is this: don't apply YOUR rules of normalcy to dementia/Alzheimer's where there IS no normalcy. Your father wanting to 'go home' is very commonplace with dementia/ALZ, and really means he is seeking comfort or familiarity of some kind. Taking him to his childhood home is never a good idea because then what?? He may not want to leave. He may insist on staying, or God knows what. Don't assume it will 'make him happy' to take him on such a trip, it may agitate him like you can't imagine. And then what?

What you want to do is keep things as routine as possible with your father. Change is what confuses them; disrupts their minds even more so than usual, and creates agitation and mayhem. You'll need to take over the decision making for him so he's unable to move again when and if the mood strikes. Moving around is a bad thing and only adds to the terrible confusion already going on in his head. It really sounds like what he needs is a Memory Care environment rather than a room in a retirement home, especially if he isn't monitored and has access to the outside world. If he can leave and walk the street, he may just do so and then the big troubles can start. He needs a safe place where he can't get out or cook or have access to cleaning supplies, etc, where he can hurt himself by not understanding present dangers.

Instead of thinking about taking him back to his childhood home, start thinking about where he'd be best off, safety wise, and look into placement asap. Dementia/ALZ only worsens with time and it's a good idea to have him situated in a safe place before the big troubles set in, you know? I don't know if the 'retirement home' he's in now has a memory care section, but that would be a great place to start if they do.

GOOD LUCK!
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Maaluu Aug 2020
Thank you for your thoughts, Lealonnie. I have started researching assisted living and memory care facilities and we'll see where that leads.
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It might be helpful to have him evaluated N.Y. a neuropsychologist for some more detailed testing to get a diagnosis. We took my FIL and told him it was to see if anything could be done to help his memory. My MIL had clear Alzheimer’s but he often seemed fine. In his case, he had it mostly for ADLs. But his higher level executive functions were impaired. Judgement, decision making were impaired. I read about types of dementia and felt he had vascular dementia.

taking him out for trips while he can still enjoy things is nice idea but he won’t remember or recognize the old places because he remembers how they were, not as they are now. Plus, any kind of traveling now is risky.
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Maaluu Aug 2020
Thank you for your suggestions. I do think a neuropsychologist may be the next step. And vascular dementia is the doctor's best guess in this case too.
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Change is very difficult for dementia patients and can cause increased confusion and symptoms. Sometimes it is temporary and other times it is the new normal.

Has he been checked for a urinary tract infection? These can cause dementia symptoms and other distressing symptoms in seniors. Moving could have caused him to forget to take care of himself and he may very well benefit from a complete physical to rule out any medical conditions that he may be experiencing.

I encourage you to do enrichment activities with him, but avoid the places he is obsessing on, it could escalate the situation for multiple reasons. Do things that are fun and pleasurable in the moment to help him feel happiness. Create memories for yourselves with him.
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Maaluu Aug 2020
Thank you for your advice. He has a physical coming up so we'll see what comes out of that. He hasn't complained of any physical issues, but then again, he might not. The consensus does seem to be to avoid the places he's obsessing about. I appreciate your input.
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Yes dementia patients always want to go home even though they are home. My 93 yo mother talks about going home ..but she’s in her house...she wants to go back to the one she grew up in ....
hugs 🤗
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Maaluu Aug 2020
My dad hasn't expressed that desire yet; I'm sure it's on the horizon somewhere! Thank you for your reply.
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It also depends on whether it's "just memory issues" or a more advanced dementia. Taking him out of familiar territory, even though it would be taking him back to a place he once knew well, could be too disorienting. I would also worry about the journey. My father-in-law was convinced that his family had kidnapped him, when it was simply an out-of-state visit to other family. He simply could not remember the purpose of the trip. A night in a hotel was a disaster. A short drive (day trip) to a pretty place that would spur memories is a good suggestion, as are the others.
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Maaluu Aug 2020
I guess the depth of his issues really is the question at this point. I'll have to see how he's doing when the current state of affairs allows for safer travel.
Thank you for your thoughts.
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There’s at least a 50-50 that he won’t remember trips as what he’s looking for when he sees them, and if he actually DOES remember, there’s a risk that he’ll want to stay, and become more upset when you try to take him back to where he’s actually living now.
I still regret, 20 years later taking my mom past her old home for just one look. I could read the flash of memories on her face, a momentary joy for both of us, then driving away, the joy being replaced by the resignation that it would never again be hers.
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Maaluu Aug 2020
Yes, that's what I am worried about. Sorry to hear that you had that experience with your mother. Thank you for your thoughts.
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Share pictures from those happy times and let him reminisce. Those times are long gone but he can still enjoy telling stories from then.
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Maaluu Aug 2020
Thank you for this good idea, Taarna.
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