My 87 y.o. father recently chose to move from his senior apartment into a small room in a retirement home on the same street. When he did so, the generally minor memory problems that he has been exhibiting for the past couple of years grew into a larger confusion. Clearly his issues are deeper than we knew. He now doesn't really believe the place he is living in is his and he often says he wants to go "home," not to his previous apartment, but to either the town where he spent most of his working life or the town where he went to college.
My question here is this - does anyone have experience with this sort of thing and if so, is it a good or bad idea for us to take him on day or weekend trips to these locations that he so fondly remembers and wants to return to? My brother and I, who live in other states but try to visit him for a few days once a month, would like to take him to visit these places that meant so much to him, but I fear that such visits may only intensify his confusion or unhappiness with his current situation when we return to the retirement home and then lead to him trying to find a way out of there.
Am I overthinking it? Should we just take him to these places that he loves to make him happy and not worry that it'll just make things worse?
Thank you for your thoughts.
taking him out for trips while he can still enjoy things is nice idea but he won’t remember or recognize the old places because he remembers how they were, not as they are now. Plus, any kind of traveling now is risky.
I still regret, 20 years later taking my mom past her old home for just one look. I could read the flash of memories on her face, a momentary joy for both of us, then driving away, the joy being replaced by the resignation that it would never again be hers.
Has he been checked for a urinary tract infection? These can cause dementia symptoms and other distressing symptoms in seniors. Moving could have caused him to forget to take care of himself and he may very well benefit from a complete physical to rule out any medical conditions that he may be experiencing.
I encourage you to do enrichment activities with him, but avoid the places he is obsessing on, it could escalate the situation for multiple reasons. Do things that are fun and pleasurable in the moment to help him feel happiness. Create memories for yourselves with him.
hugs 🤗
This will open opportunity to learn some of his old stories, let him reminisce but not make him face drastic changes to places he recalls.
Best of luck to you.
Thank you for your thoughts.
My husband's grandmother had dementia and was in memory care. Grandmother's daughter thought day trips would be a fun thing to do. Unfortunately, this backfired. Grandmother thought she had gone out of town, or that she was moving away. When she'd come back to her room, she'd be disoriented about where her bathroom was, what town she was in, etc. Even taking her to lunch and back became too disorienting. It's so important for such elders to be in a routine as much as possible. You mean well, but this does more harm than good.
Going by places he used to be, but can no longer go to, may not be a great idea. Sometimes elders get reminded of the 'old days', and it makes them sad to know they can't go back and realize what shape they're in now. He may not understand why you're driving him by there but not letting him go inside.
What you want to do is keep things as routine as possible with your father. Change is what confuses them; disrupts their minds even more so than usual, and creates agitation and mayhem. You'll need to take over the decision making for him so he's unable to move again when and if the mood strikes. Moving around is a bad thing and only adds to the terrible confusion already going on in his head. It really sounds like what he needs is a Memory Care environment rather than a room in a retirement home, especially if he isn't monitored and has access to the outside world. If he can leave and walk the street, he may just do so and then the big troubles can start. He needs a safe place where he can't get out or cook or have access to cleaning supplies, etc, where he can hurt himself by not understanding present dangers.
Instead of thinking about taking him back to his childhood home, start thinking about where he'd be best off, safety wise, and look into placement asap. Dementia/ALZ only worsens with time and it's a good idea to have him situated in a safe place before the big troubles set in, you know? I don't know if the 'retirement home' he's in now has a memory care section, but that would be a great place to start if they do.
GOOD LUCK!
In my opinion, I don't think you should. It is an adventure that can turn out to be a pandora box. My dad was like a child. He would wander off, he would become agitated when it was time to leave.
BEST of luck