I am 73 yrs old and my son is 52. We live on a small piece of land in my trailer house. He owns 1/3rd of this land. The problem is that he has brought drugs, hard liquor & pornography into my 1972 trailer house; and when I complain, he destroys something I value. He has given me a list of what he expects showing I am to carry ALL financial responsibility. I feel threatened and carry my purse with me at all times, even have hadden some valuable jewelry. I am depressed much of the time feeling hopeless and helpless. Is there anything I can do to stop this before it gets physical and/or my mental/physical abilities decline to the extent I would not be able to?
If he is bringing drugs into the house, he is breaking the law.
You are NOT responsible for him financially. You have no obligation (even morally) to "take care of him" financially. If anything, you would think the moral obligation would be HIS to take care of you as you are the elder and the mother. It sounds like he is abusive as well. Breaking someone else's possessions and throwing a tantrum is at best a man who isn't a good communicator and lacks the skills to speak maturely; and at worst, he is abusive. I believe (depending on where you want to go with this) you could legally get him thrown out for his behavior. The drugs alone would be enough, but to live in constant fear of the threat of angering him would be totally unfair for you to continue on like this.
It sounds like you have pretty much been there for him his whole life, and it's a shame when "children" don't appreciate how much their parents have done for them and act like spoiled angry brats.
You are depressed because of his behavior.
You are right to carry your purse and hide the jewelry because it sounds like he has a drug problem.
You are going to have to put the hammer down and tell him he has to get out if this continues, and I would personally have the law there standing next to me when I said it.
It is a very difficult situation and I empathize with you. Hugs.
I think you need to keep in mind that whenever drugs are involved, it's bad...really bad...and your son isn't really the person you remember...drugs changes people and can make them do anything...including hurt their own mother. I think you need to get him out of your life and get yourself in a safe situation , especially before you are unable to do so. Can you hire a lawyer? And always have someone around when you speak to him. Ask elder services for help...they may be able to help you for free or low cost. You don't have to put up with this, but in order to handle it you will need to do the work...he's counting on you NOT doing anything and just taking it. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. Please get someone to help you. Good luck!
My mother bought this land when she was dying of parkinsons disease and asked me to keep her out of a nursing home. I told her I would and we needed a piece of land where I could raise our own food as she had only enough to buy the land (all forestry) and I was caught in the job-less market.
I was able to get her on the land because a stranger gave me an old trailer house and the job I had, though it folded quickly, gave me enough to get a well dug, the trailer moved onto the land and the disposal system dug. Everything on this land now is created out of materials I paid for and did 85% of the work to create. This makes moving off this land and giving it to a disrespectful son makes no sense and is not something I want to do. My mother had divided up the land into 3rds as my son had helped us get the trailer on the place, though I was the one who paid for everything and even paid someone to help when I couldn't.
My son told me he would sell me his 1/3rd but he knew I couldn't afford to do so. The land is appraised at 18k and his third would be 6k; but he already told me I owed him 24k just for the feed he had bought for the goats ALL THESE YEARS. (Of course, he never counted the fact that he drank their milk and ate the goat meat all these years.) So I doubt he would be reasonable in the amount he would accept. This leaves me in a bind as all I have saved is a couple of thousand, which at this time he is trying to force me to spend to cover bills he doesn't want to cover. (My SS check is only 1k; so it is quite difficult paying all the expenses, though I could do it if I have to.) I really feel stuck; but am going to talk with an attorney next week to see if there is any legal footing I might have to resolve this situation. The only priority I have is that my son come out of the resolution with enough money to start up somewhere else...if this is at all possible.
You cannot continue as you are, things will only get worse. Contact whoever you are most comfortable speaking to, police or social workers, and seek advice without delay.
Well, I do realize this 1972 trailer is old; but my Heavenly Father gave it to me and it is still keeping us warm during the winter, cool during summer and withstands the storms we get. Yes I could contact local adult community services and maybe even find a place for myself in some type of home for the elderly. (I suspect my son would like me to resolve this situation in that way.) However, even at my age I can still tend the animals (milk, medicate, trim hooves), raise a garden, tend the fruit trees (prune and spray). I walked over the pastures yesterday; so I know I can use the brush mower to mow the grass for winter hay. All I'd need do is rest often and let my buck pull the sheets of hay to the barn once it has dried enough. I can still process goat and chickens for the freezer, even slaughter them if I have to. (My son has done all the slaughtering so far; but I have done half of the gutting, skinning, etc.) So leaving this homestead seems foolish to me at this time.
Yes I do realize I've been an enabler to some extent. I just never found a way to get past helping my son when he needed it. Saying "no" to him has been very hard. However, I'm finally learning he would take all I have and not even understand how it would be affecting me...or maybe he would and just not care. (I don't know which hurts worse, his lack of empathy, which hurts himself in the long run, or his lack of concern which hurts me.)
Yes I have asked my son if he wants me to make some calls and find a therapist for him to talk with. I would go too if it were "family" oriented. He says no. Neither of us attend a church. I have no relatives and never go anywhere to make friends, though a nearby lady says hello now and then. She is my son's age and has always been kind and polite...a good neighbor to have. I do not want to burden her with my problems as she has her own to deal with.
Realtime, I wish we were close too. I could help you with some of your chores and, when you felt well enough, you could help me. The world world would be surprised by what a couple of old women can do by themselves. (When I first got to this area, I was in my early 50s and mother had been told she was in the last stages of parkinsons and would probably die within the year. I started a garden and helped mother out to it to help me work it. Within 2 months, she was going out by herself to work it and was even putting her harms over her head to hang clothes. I truely believe a positive attitude and willing spirit can take us thru much more than just our bodies can do on their own.
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