I am 73 yrs old and my son is 52. We live on a small piece of land in my trailer house. He owns 1/3rd of this land. The problem is that he has brought drugs, hard liquor & pornography into my 1972 trailer house; and when I complain, he destroys something I value. He has given me a list of what he expects showing I am to carry ALL financial responsibility. I feel threatened and carry my purse with me at all times, even have hadden some valuable jewelry. I am depressed much of the time feeling hopeless and helpless. Is there anything I can do to stop this before it gets physical and/or my mental/physical abilities decline to the extent I would not be able to?
Thank you all for your support. The kind understanding you have expressed toward a son I love dearly is much appreciated too.
I think you need to keep in mind that whenever drugs are involved, it's bad...really bad...and your son isn't really the person you remember...drugs changes people and can make them do anything...including hurt their own mother. I think you need to get him out of your life and get yourself in a safe situation , especially before you are unable to do so. Can you hire a lawyer? And always have someone around when you speak to him. Ask elder services for help...they may be able to help you for free or low cost. You don't have to put up with this, but in order to handle it you will need to do the work...he's counting on you NOT doing anything and just taking it. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. Please get someone to help you. Good luck!
Well, I do realize this 1972 trailer is old; but my Heavenly Father gave it to me and it is still keeping us warm during the winter, cool during summer and withstands the storms we get. Yes I could contact local adult community services and maybe even find a place for myself in some type of home for the elderly. (I suspect my son would like me to resolve this situation in that way.) However, even at my age I can still tend the animals (milk, medicate, trim hooves), raise a garden, tend the fruit trees (prune and spray). I walked over the pastures yesterday; so I know I can use the brush mower to mow the grass for winter hay. All I'd need do is rest often and let my buck pull the sheets of hay to the barn once it has dried enough. I can still process goat and chickens for the freezer, even slaughter them if I have to. (My son has done all the slaughtering so far; but I have done half of the gutting, skinning, etc.) So leaving this homestead seems foolish to me at this time.
Yes I do realize I've been an enabler to some extent. I just never found a way to get past helping my son when he needed it. Saying "no" to him has been very hard. However, I'm finally learning he would take all I have and not even understand how it would be affecting me...or maybe he would and just not care. (I don't know which hurts worse, his lack of empathy, which hurts himself in the long run, or his lack of concern which hurts me.)
Yes I have asked my son if he wants me to make some calls and find a therapist for him to talk with. I would go too if it were "family" oriented. He says no. Neither of us attend a church. I have no relatives and never go anywhere to make friends, though a nearby lady says hello now and then. She is my son's age and has always been kind and polite...a good neighbor to have. I do not want to burden her with my problems as she has her own to deal with.
Realtime, I wish we were close too. I could help you with some of your chores and, when you felt well enough, you could help me. The world world would be surprised by what a couple of old women can do by themselves. (When I first got to this area, I was in my early 50s and mother had been told she was in the last stages of parkinsons and would probably die within the year. I started a garden and helped mother out to it to help me work it. Within 2 months, she was going out by herself to work it and was even putting her harms over her head to hang clothes. I truely believe a positive attitude and willing spirit can take us thru much more than just our bodies can do on their own.
May your angels guide you.
You worry about what you are doing wrong. In my mind it is wrong to enable someone to continue their poor and self-destructive behavior. He is all grown up. He is responsible for himself.
Next, you say he's religious, is there a trusted church counseling group or pastor who could help mediate and or help you two find a workable living situation? Is it possible for him to move out into his own place and rent his property back to you? Will another mobile home fit on the property? Could you or he afford another trailer? I think you need some separation for your own mental health. He probably wishes he could afford to live independently to.
Good luck. Please seek counseling for both of you, or yourself. You shouldn't live in fear, or fear of him stealing from you.
You can have your son's back and know in your heart he has good qualities; I'm sure he does. But you must implement some changes for the betterment of YOU before you get too much older. You are not trying to hurt him; you are trying to help yourself.
It sounds like he probably isn't a bad person but that he does need some help. Not financial as much as mental and communicative help so that he can understand your position. I don't know if he would be open to that.
I'ld like to say, he has many wonderful qualities. He is a hard worker when he works and can be generous and kind. The parts of his character that is hurting shows up where money is a consideration. He has helped with finances in the past and, though about half of his income has disappeared thru the years (and all of a $7,000 cash he received "retroactively" from Disability), he has been generous (purchasing a microwave, a toaster, a CD/VHS player and paying for half of a 36" TV). He is really not a bad person and is quite religious. However, periodically he talks about starting a business and that is when money starts disappearing again. I see so much potential in him and am hurting that his choices are causing problems for him. Yes, for me too; but he is actally the one those bad choices will wind up hurting the most because practicing those poor behaviors can become a habit. I pray for him as I pray that I stay out of his way so he can mabe make better choices without somehow seeing me as the instigator of those choices. (I do realize I keep blaming myself on some level. If I could just keep my silence, not complain and pay what he wants me to, all would be good. Then I realize how stupid that sounds.)
As mentioned above, I'm going to talk with a lawyer next week to find out if I have any legal ground for some type of positive resolution. I'm also going to find a support group to help me with the emotional parts of this problem solving.
Yes, I do realize when he finds out what I'm doing, more things could be destroyed. My stomach stays in a knot at the thought of his taking the chain saw and collapsing the large barn created for the goats. (He put the roofing rafters up and helped put up the OSB and rolled roofing while I paid for everything and actually did all the rest of the construction alone.) I can hear him saying, "I put that roof up. I can take it down!" I actually believe he might do this, though my heart says he wouldn't do such a thing. However, he has thrown my computer into the back of my pickup during a storm, cracking the screen and breaking the box and he has cut the cable to the 6" TV we have. (The larger one stopped working.)
I keep wanting to blame myself believing if I can find out what I'm doing wrong, I can fix this problem for both of us. Then immediately I realize how foolish this thinking is because it takes 2 to problem solve; and if only one is willing, there is no real resolution.
Thank you all for speaking your minds; and please do not hesitate to tell me what I might be doing wrong. I can take it and make whatever changes are needed in my own behavior. (I keep monitoring my own behavior constantly and pray God will show me what to do and not to do as I don't trust myself to know at this time.)
You cannot continue as you are, things will only get worse. Contact whoever you are most comfortable speaking to, police or social workers, and seek advice without delay.
My mother bought this land when she was dying of parkinsons disease and asked me to keep her out of a nursing home. I told her I would and we needed a piece of land where I could raise our own food as she had only enough to buy the land (all forestry) and I was caught in the job-less market.
I was able to get her on the land because a stranger gave me an old trailer house and the job I had, though it folded quickly, gave me enough to get a well dug, the trailer moved onto the land and the disposal system dug. Everything on this land now is created out of materials I paid for and did 85% of the work to create. This makes moving off this land and giving it to a disrespectful son makes no sense and is not something I want to do. My mother had divided up the land into 3rds as my son had helped us get the trailer on the place, though I was the one who paid for everything and even paid someone to help when I couldn't.
My son told me he would sell me his 1/3rd but he knew I couldn't afford to do so. The land is appraised at 18k and his third would be 6k; but he already told me I owed him 24k just for the feed he had bought for the goats ALL THESE YEARS. (Of course, he never counted the fact that he drank their milk and ate the goat meat all these years.) So I doubt he would be reasonable in the amount he would accept. This leaves me in a bind as all I have saved is a couple of thousand, which at this time he is trying to force me to spend to cover bills he doesn't want to cover. (My SS check is only 1k; so it is quite difficult paying all the expenses, though I could do it if I have to.) I really feel stuck; but am going to talk with an attorney next week to see if there is any legal footing I might have to resolve this situation. The only priority I have is that my son come out of the resolution with enough money to start up somewhere else...if this is at all possible.
If he is bringing drugs into the house, he is breaking the law.
You are NOT responsible for him financially. You have no obligation (even morally) to "take care of him" financially. If anything, you would think the moral obligation would be HIS to take care of you as you are the elder and the mother. It sounds like he is abusive as well. Breaking someone else's possessions and throwing a tantrum is at best a man who isn't a good communicator and lacks the skills to speak maturely; and at worst, he is abusive. I believe (depending on where you want to go with this) you could legally get him thrown out for his behavior. The drugs alone would be enough, but to live in constant fear of the threat of angering him would be totally unfair for you to continue on like this.
It sounds like you have pretty much been there for him his whole life, and it's a shame when "children" don't appreciate how much their parents have done for them and act like spoiled angry brats.
You are depressed because of his behavior.
You are right to carry your purse and hide the jewelry because it sounds like he has a drug problem.
You are going to have to put the hammer down and tell him he has to get out if this continues, and I would personally have the law there standing next to me when I said it.
It is a very difficult situation and I empathize with you. Hugs.