I was primary caregiver for both my elderly parents. My dad passed away in Aug of this year and my mom passed away this past Tuesday. I’m 36 and have a 14 year old who’s on the spectrum. I put my life on hold for 12 yrs to take care of my parents. I also have 3 siblings (who are in their 60’s) 2 of my siblings called the financial firm to “help me” the day after my mom passed. And have not stopped calling or texting me to see if I need “help” to start the estate stuff. I didn’t get the chance to mourn my dad passing because my mom went down hill right after and it was all about her. Now she’s gone and I can’t even mourn her because my siblings are being money hungry. What do I do? Nothing was set up in writing except for a few small things. My son needs stability and they are wanting me to buy them out of their shares for the house. They are fussing over the repairs my mom wanted done getting done but in the next sentence they say we just want what mom wanted. Both my parents wanted me and my son taken care of. What do I do? Where do I even start?
FIRST, take the time you need and DESERVE to mourn. Then get a lawyer who can help you through all the pieces. If there was no will they can help you navigate intestate laws in your state. And represent your interest.
It's a lot. Don't be pressured or rushed. There are certain steps that need to be taken and this will all take time. You spent 12 years of your life caregiving. Take all the time you need, and in my opinion I would not even begin to try to engage an attorney until at least after the new year.
Hang up and don't take any more calls until next year.
They are despicable.
But if she didn't die intestate, and you're the executor, the big thing to remember here is that your siblings aren't looking for someone to help you. They're looking for someone to help them. If all they REALLY want is to be bought out of their shares, they can wait. As long as her assets are basically frozen (apart from ensuring necessary bills are being paid), there is no urgency. You can tell them you've seen to the immediate expenses, and everything else is frozen; thank them for their concern and tell them you'll keep them posted when it's time to move forward with other aspects of distributing the estate.
My deepest condolences on all of your losses, including your siblings.
Sometimes putting it right back on someone opens their eyes to how insensitive and truly awful they sound.
This person needs to heal and manage.
It isn't a matter (at this point) of teaching or trying to convey awareness of insensitivity, etc., it is needing to set limits/create boundaries so this person can do what is necessary in her own time.
If you choose to become executor than file before someone else does. As executor, you can receive a stipend for your time and you will need to satisfy all professionals such as lawyers or burial before final distribution. That may include paying final taxes next year. The executor does not want to be paying those bills if funds are released too quickly. This is not as quick as family expects,
As for the rats crawling out of the woodwork, if you are in a large family gathering, a very loud "I beg your pardon?" can be appropriate. For text, steely silence is fine. For phone, you can say that you are greatly offended that they are asking at this time.
If there is no Will, you can become Administrator. You do the duties of an Executor but...the State determines who inherits.
As said, do not answer their calls.
You will be mourning the loss of your parents for a period of time. That does not mean you cease to function. Take things one at a time. First, keep yourself and your son safe. Then begin with the financial firm yourself. Let them guide you.
The first thing to do is to hire an estate attorney. The second thing is to have your attorney get you appointed by the Court as the Administrator of the Estate.
At that point, you can direct your siblings to speak with the attorney who will protect your interests as well as your siblings and see to it that the estate is properly distributed.
No one wants to hire an attorney, but I can tell you that it will be well worth it in the end.
* Do not call or text me. I will contact you if / when I need assistance.
* You must learn to set boundaries.
* Deal with any time sensitive / legal matters. All else can wait - to give you time to mourn.
* As necessary contact an attorney and tell your siblings to contact the attorney.
Gena / Touch Matters
You do not have to tell the siblings that you are doing this.
Who was listed as the POA? You?
You will most likely have to go through the probate process unless your parents had something else set up. Handling estate probate or otherwise can be laborious; that is why some folks pay an attorney to handle it all.
It does sound like you need some competent support such as attorney or other professional.
Some funeral homes have some basic directions available to the bereaved.
Above and beyond the estate process, please consider getting grief support either 1:1 or in a group.
A hospice entity or funeral home or local hospital can usually provide you with resources available.
As for the siblings, do not let them nor anyone push you or bully you .
Caregivers , like yourself, are exhausted after the death of loved one and, all of the estate/ business side for the deceased, adds more stress and fatigue; however there are parts of it that do need immediate attention for your and everyone's well being including being able to grieve properly...
Grief is cumulative and fluid....expect it to be around a while.
To give them their share of the home, you'll need appraisal of property and possibly to arrange financing of you're going to buy them out.
If parents had a will, have you completed dad's probate yet? If no wills, you'll need to get atty to help open the probate.
Dont discuss house repairs done while they were alive with them. Tell them not on the table. Keep good records to account for all monies and properties that will be distributed.
Haste makes waste.
Here is how the Germans say it, "Do it right or don't do it at all.'
Take your time with proper documents and do not rush. No family can pressure you into the wrong moves that increase the processing time and frustration. Furthermore, you need some privacy and time for yourself to grieve. Seek counseling if it gets too challenging.