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I went to my aunts for Christmas Eve we don't do gifts but my cousin that I don't like got a really nice purse from my uncle. I mean a nice one who I don't think deserve one. I know it's Christmas I know they don't like me had a really hard year with mom being in out of hospitals rehab even though my cousin treats people like 💩 and is very lazy doesn't work or help her mom. But yet she got a purse. I get nothing. I knew that they get her presents I guess it really is bothering me having a rough year no support yet she gets a present my mom said don't worry about it. It's like being rewarded for doing nothing yet I got nothing just happen to open it in front of me being really shady about it. Has this ever happen to any one on here should I just let it go? I don't no where to post this.

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Lolaloud,
Is your cousin your aunt and uncle's daughter?
With your attitude, (expectation of receiving, attitude of entitlement), you are not going to enjoy life very much.

You said: "We don't do gifts".
Why would you feel slighted at all? Just don't.

Sibling (and cousin) rivalry is the worst!
Change yourself, think of others, not what you did not GET.

What was the "gifts" you gave to others this year?

If you are under 12, or have a developmental disorder, then you still have time to adjust your attitude.

Forgive me for being a grandma and wishing parents could teach their children better how life works. Is there a reason you don't want to let it go as your mother has advised you? I agree with your mother, do let it go. If you keep holding on to thoughts like this, you will build resentment and bitterness in your heart that will block anything good in your life.

Lecture over.

Merry Christmas Lola!
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Lolaloud Dec 2019
Actually I'm 46 only child I only see my cousin once a year she's not in my life I don't like her never had she got out of care giving for her mom I don't think it's fair here I am stuck care giving with no help support and no pay its nice to get something they never liked me my dad side or my mom. But it was really shady cause they were trying to hide her gift so I would not see it. The shade was real
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Lola, of course you should let it go. If you don't, then they control you. In fact if that's how they're going to conduct themselves, maybe you shouldn't show up for any of the holidays with them anymore. What you rub up against rubs off on you. Start your own traditions and celebrations with people you actually like. And if you don't have enough of those, then maybe your New Years resolution is to make more and better friends who will respect you. Or do something worthwhile and volunteer on those days. We can't choose our relatives but we can choose whether we spend time with them and allow them to pollute our lives and degrade us. I truly hope you can have a better Christmas next year...without the "others". Blessings.
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I do not consider the gifts my Aunts and Uncles give my cousins to be any business of mine at all. I do not get involved in the gifts my ex gives to our children either.
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I understand that what you are feeling and what you saw was real.
Again, can you learn some on your own about sibling rivalry (includes cousins)?

Your reaction to the situation is the problem. If you are nearing burnout, go for professional help.

You may be the only one who can help yourself. You can give that gift to yourself!

You can search online some "Psychology Today" articles that may help you get on with your own life. It does not mean you are crazy if you need a little help.
And, as always, there are some compassionate people on this forum who can walk you through some of the more difficult parts of care giving and breaking free from that role, and making your life better for you.

Wishing you the best of your life in the near future Lola.
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Let it go. It does not have anything to do with you.
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Lola,
Going to Psychology Today's website, I found this:

"A sibling relationship, given the typical course of a life time, lasts longer than any other relationship an individual will have—longer than relationships with parents, partners, children, and, most likely, friends. Thus, clarifying or resolving a sibling relationship is extremely important to one’s well-being because cooperation between siblings is often needed when taking care of aging parents, as well as potentially taking care of each other."

Think of your COUSIN as a sibling in this context. She will be there when both of your parents are gone. If she is spoiled, and intolerable, getting out of care giving somehow, and treats you poorly, then maybe you don't want a relationship with her at all, for the rest of your life. But it seems to bother you that you are an only child?

If you have any relationship insights, and can develop a better relationship with her in the future, would that be something you might try?
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Lola: if you know they don't like you or your mom, why be with them for the holidays? Have to say, the gift should have been given outside of this gathering without you present but they did. You should now just let this go as others have said here.
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Here is another perspective on your cousin opening the gift while you are there:
" just happen to open it in front of me being really shady about it."

Maybe your visit coincided with the gift opening between the family members at your Aunt and Uncles' home. At least cousin tried to be subtle (your words were 'Shady'), and hide it from you so you would not feel bad (but failed). Discreet may not be her best quality. Or her father was not discreet or timely
in the gift giving department?

Why would they need to be? Could you be happy for your cousin?
Again, you have stated: " we don't do gifts".
But their family does, between themselves.

Those are just the facts, realities of social interactions.
Sorry you felt left out and slighted.

At your age, maybe better to be buying yourself your own gifts?

How did you come to be living with your parents at 46 years old?

There is a better life for you, start planning now maybe?

You or others maybe thinking I am making a big deal over this for you.
I have, and wanted you to understand that you can let it go, even if it was your feelings that were hurt. Letting it go, from your heart and mind, does not invalidate that you have those feelings, It is just not good for yourself to be rehearsing them. Let it go! imo.

Your feelings count Lola!
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Merry Christmas Lola!
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How your cousin and her parents settled their care is their business, not yours. It’s no big deal to have a gift opened in front of you. Nothing shady about it. Grow up and put aside your petty jealousies. If you dislike her that much - stay away from her.

Taking care of your mother and not being paid is between you and your mother. Other family members have no obligation to step in.
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Lola; It sounds like that gift is a "stand in" for all that is wrong with your life.

I'm still not clear why you are living with your parents and without a real job and W2 income; you will need Social Security and savings in your old age in order to live. Your parents HAVE resources for care yes? SS, they can get Medicaid if necessary.

Why are you staying, getting yelled at and putting yourself in a position to be jealous of a cousin who doesn't have to care for her mom? You can leave...is there a reason that you don't?
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I must admit to being slightly puzzled. You went to your aunt - and your uncle gave your cousin .... she would be their daughter then? ....

Many family’s stop giving presents outside immediate family once kids get to a certain age. Would get too damn expensive else !

Ive been with relatives who have handed out their “kids” presents whilst I happened to be there. Never crossed my mind to wonder why I didn’t get one knowing how much things cost. Just enjoyed the company and coffee.

If you mean that you felt your cousin was deliberately ensuring you saw she had a present - I’d feel sorry for her that her self worth is so poor she tries gaining pleasure by having a witness to her being worth a gift.

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had such a rough year - mines been pretty bad too and if life were only halfway fair then all caregivers deserve a special acknowledgement gift.

Besides buying his gift, I’ve bought a gift, wrapped it and given to my dad to “give” to me whilst in hospital / care over a birthday / Christmas so he felt he’d given me something. Sometimes he’d forget to give it or start to open it - one time he even gave it to a nurse whilst I’d gone to sort out an issue elsewhere. 🤷‍♂️ Gotta laugh

You’re worth so much more than a purse, however really nice it was. A pretty item gives a temporary boost to the ego. To obtain true worth, live according to your values and create your life with meaning and purpose - When you're pleased with the person you've become-you'll experience a sense of peace throughout life's inevitable ups and downs. You'll believe in yourself regardless of whether you've been fired, gone through a divorce, or failed to get a promotion or a gift. Although ironically you’ll find more are attracted to and value you because of the value you show in yourself. Whereby your selfish cousin will be still reliant on her next boost to her ego via your uncle.

I hope life improves for you and your mum. Shall be thinking of you and hoping the New Year brings good health and happiness to you and your mum.
Regards,
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Lolaloud, I get it. Your feelings were hurt by your family and I'm sorry.

Perhaps you are already on edge with the stress of caregiving and the holidays and this was the tipping point for you. How is it that you can be giving and giving and not be recognized? How is that the the cousin can be absent and still be rewarded?

Something similar happened two years ago. My MIL lived with us and I did 90% of her care. Her other son (not my hubby) was poor mouthing that he didn't have food in his house (by the way, he makes double what my hubby and I do). For Christmas, she gave him $50 in groceries and she gave me a pair of socks. I admit, I was mad and my feelings were hurt. Why was I busting my butt to care for her when she was going to play favorites like that?

Your situation is different since it's a cousin instead of a sibling but I do understand. You are getting good advice to let it go. It is reality that people will sometimes behave in a way that you don't like. You can't change them but can change how much time you spend with them.
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Lola,
Your mother has the same caregiver as your aunt? Yet you say your cousin got out of care giving her mother, but you did not?

You have said:
"Lolaloud
Nov 18, 2019
We have a wonder helper aid that comes in takes mom out to shopping therapy doctors movies mall we all shop together she's a lot of fun even brings her dogs with her we had her for two years brings her daughter from time to time we are very lucky she goes out of her way she even helps my aunt that's how we found her she's a great cook I would it trust any one else but her she's also bonded
she's a big help even helped when she was in pain and her wisdom teeth pulled out last year when mom was in the hospital no one else would of even do that even her daughter helped that day too"
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Lola, you say you only see your cousin once a year. That sounds like one too many times. I would distance yourself from her, and her parents, your aunt and uncle. How they live their lives is obviously a tremendous source of frustration and stress for you, so don’t subject yourself to it. I don’t know if these are your Moms or Dads relatives, but if your Mom wants to see them occasionally maybe your dad could bring them to your house for a short visit without cousin. Perhaps their circumstances are much different than your Moms and Dads? Maybe your aunt is in a little better health perhaps not needing as much care? Perhaps their financial or insurance situation provides for more options than your family? Perhaps the cousin is working a full time job or has other responsibilities that keep her from providing more care, so they deal with it in a different manner than your family? I don’t know the why’s, I’m just trying to show that every family, every situation is different. If you can’t accept those differences, I feel you have to divorce yourself from them in order to step back from the constant comparisons. You say your Mom does have caregivers during the week. You’re 46 years old. If you are physically and mentally able, I would suggest getting a part time job to get out of the house, get some money of your own, have something to get your mind off caregiving and help your self worth. You’re a grown woman, and you can buy your pocketbook, which to me is a much better feeling than having anything given to me.
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I believe, myself, that we let people know who we are. I would say on one side of the spectrum we can let them know that we are a "spoiled princess, who needs and expects gifts" and on the other end of the spectrum we can let them know that we are the "doormat who only lives to be stepped upon." Most of us of course fit somewhere in the middle, on a continuum between the two. Relationships are the PERFECT place to post this, because relationships are where we let people know what we expect of them (please pull your own weight; I have no intention of pulling it all) and what they can expect of US (I will be kind; I will be honest and honorable; I will do the best I can within my own limitations.)
So that's pretty much it. To me, I don't much like getting gifts. Perhaps I feel I don't deserve them. (Hee hee, perhaps I DON'T). For me I love GIVING gifts, and feel that the gift I give is a gift to me. I sew something special for special people in my life; the choosing of the fabric, the zen of making the gift, are MINE. My gift to me, and then a gift to the person I think about, and sew health and love into each stitch.
We are all different. I agree with Mom. Don't worry about it. Life's too short.
Hugs out to you--may be be the gift of each person who knows you.
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You are 46 years old and these are the consequences of the choices you've made. Acceptance is hard when one regrets the choices one has made. Seek help to make better choices and grow your self esteem. If you want a nice purse, buy it once you get yourself a job.
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Here is some more background information why the writer does not like her cousin. https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/my-cousin-got-of-caregiving-for-her-mom-not-fair-453968.htm

Lolaloud, as for feeling jealous of your cousin. Not everyone gets the same blueprint for life. Some of us lose our parents 20 to 30 years too soon. Some of us have their parents who live well into their 90's. Which is better?

Some have cousins who had to leave important employment to help care for a parent, where others had parents who could budget for caregivers to come into the house. Is one better than another?

Some had parents who died instantly, like from a fatal heart attack.... others had parents who had Alzheimer's for 15 years. Again, is one better than another?

Have your primary doctor recommend a talk-therapist where you can tell your feelings and the therapist gives you advice and recommend suggestions. You need to remove your focus of your cousin as it is taking up too much of your life.

Take all the negative energy and find something position to do with that energy. It will make you a much happier person :)
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I'm going to try to say this as gently as I can.    Do you have a place to live?  Do you have electricity, heat?  Food to eat?    Clothes to wear that aren't given to you by shelters or charities?

Think of those who don't have that, who sleep on the pavement or in shelters b/c they're homeless. or those who eat at soup kitchens b/c they're homeless.

Think of those who are Veterans and homeless, after sacrificing years to serve their country as well as those of us who remain here or who don't serve.  Think of those Veterans who are battle wounded, learning to live the rest of their life w/o limbs, or who suffer TBI and aren't even able to think or speak clearly.

I'm sorry but I'm at a loss to understand why a purse or a gift means so much, and the source of this rivalry with your cousin.   Are you envious of her?   If so, what can you do about it?   Are you trying to get a job?  Improve your life?   If not, how can you refocus so that what your cousin does, doesn't do, or gets, is irrelevant?
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I gave several people I work with a Christmas gift and they gave me nothing. I did what I wanted to do, so the outcome satisfied me.

Expect nothing and never feel disappointed or have your feelings hurt. Do for others what you feel to be right in your heart and don't worry about what they aren't doing for you.

Don't take anything personally. 99.9% of things people do or say have absolutely nothing to do with you.

And finally, my 3 year old granddaughter talks a lot about what "isn't fair" and that's to be expected from a toddler, even though its irritating to listen to. Adults should know better.
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Tothill Dec 2019
Lealonnie1,

I have opted out of most gift exchanges and am very comfortable not giving or receiving gifts from others. I randomly give people gifts if I see something I think they will like, but I do not hold onto it until a birthday or Christmas.

Mostly I give experiences as gifts. Dinner and a show is one I do fairly often.

I do make quilts and give them away, but not for an occasion.
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How is it that Lola's Aunt, and Lola's Mom have the same caregiver, but live two hours away from each other?

I call a foul.
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worriedinCali Dec 2019
Bingo. Another clue—her user ID. Also most if not all her posts involve throwing the same tantrum over the cousin and how it’s not fair she got out of taking care of her parents ;)
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Send, you may be onto something, and the reason for the threads on this issue.
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My cousins can afford the Cadillac of assisted living for their mother.  I have to care for my mom, because my dad died when she was  young, and we did not have as much money.  The last thing in the world I care about is a purse.
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This happens in families and with others, too.  You said you know "they don't like me," so you really can't expect a Christmas present, birthday, etc.  If they did, it would be meaningless, something you don't want, and likely less than what your cousin receives.  That would hurt just as much, maybe more.  It hurts your feelings that they like your cousin despite her failings and treat her better, plus you had a "rough year."

Easy to say, hard to do, but you should let it go, and forget it.  The up side is it shortens your Christmas present/card list and saves you money/time, too! if they were ever on either. Another up side is you never have to visit or call them any more if you don't want to.  Avoid them.
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In one of the other posts the cousins mother and boyfriend have paid caregivers. The OP is childish and needs to drop the whole topic. If she doesn’t want to help - QUIT and get a paying job beside dog sitting/walking.
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I read Lola's first post. She is 46 yrs old. Caring for her Mom why Father still works.

Lola, one post you said you would be spending Christmas with Mom and Dad would be going to see his family. I guess you went with him.

I gather this Aunt and Uncle are not ur cousins parents. If they were her parents then it would be the reason they gave her a gift. But I guess she is a niece? Like you? So if this is the case then I can see why your upset but your Mom gave you good advice. Let it go.

I had something similar happen. Took my Mom to a Christmas dinner at my brothers. I was sitting with members of SILs family. She started handing out gifts to her parents, girlfriend, sister, my Mom but nothing for me. Not even a box of candy. I felt slighted. I was raised if you don't have something for everyone don't give to anyone. I even keep extra boxes of candy around just in case. After that, we were not invited to any get together she had. Her sister would pick Mom up and take her. Oh well. Never understood what the problem was.
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