I went to my aunts for Christmas Eve we don't do gifts but my cousin that I don't like got a really nice purse from my uncle. I mean a nice one who I don't think deserve one. I know it's Christmas I know they don't like me had a really hard year with mom being in out of hospitals rehab even though my cousin treats people like 💩 and is very lazy doesn't work or help her mom. But yet she got a purse. I get nothing. I knew that they get her presents I guess it really is bothering me having a rough year no support yet she gets a present my mom said don't worry about it. It's like being rewarded for doing nothing yet I got nothing just happen to open it in front of me being really shady about it. Has this ever happen to any one on here should I just let it go? I don't no where to post this.
Lola, one post you said you would be spending Christmas with Mom and Dad would be going to see his family. I guess you went with him.
I gather this Aunt and Uncle are not ur cousins parents. If they were her parents then it would be the reason they gave her a gift. But I guess she is a niece? Like you? So if this is the case then I can see why your upset but your Mom gave you good advice. Let it go.
I had something similar happen. Took my Mom to a Christmas dinner at my brothers. I was sitting with members of SILs family. She started handing out gifts to her parents, girlfriend, sister, my Mom but nothing for me. Not even a box of candy. I felt slighted. I was raised if you don't have something for everyone don't give to anyone. I even keep extra boxes of candy around just in case. After that, we were not invited to any get together she had. Her sister would pick Mom up and take her. Oh well. Never understood what the problem was.
Easy to say, hard to do, but you should let it go, and forget it. The up side is it shortens your Christmas present/card list and saves you money/time, too! if they were ever on either. Another up side is you never have to visit or call them any more if you don't want to. Avoid them.
I call a foul.
Expect nothing and never feel disappointed or have your feelings hurt. Do for others what you feel to be right in your heart and don't worry about what they aren't doing for you.
Don't take anything personally. 99.9% of things people do or say have absolutely nothing to do with you.
And finally, my 3 year old granddaughter talks a lot about what "isn't fair" and that's to be expected from a toddler, even though its irritating to listen to. Adults should know better.
I have opted out of most gift exchanges and am very comfortable not giving or receiving gifts from others. I randomly give people gifts if I see something I think they will like, but I do not hold onto it until a birthday or Christmas.
Mostly I give experiences as gifts. Dinner and a show is one I do fairly often.
I do make quilts and give them away, but not for an occasion.
Think of those who don't have that, who sleep on the pavement or in shelters b/c they're homeless. or those who eat at soup kitchens b/c they're homeless.
Think of those who are Veterans and homeless, after sacrificing years to serve their country as well as those of us who remain here or who don't serve. Think of those Veterans who are battle wounded, learning to live the rest of their life w/o limbs, or who suffer TBI and aren't even able to think or speak clearly.
I'm sorry but I'm at a loss to understand why a purse or a gift means so much, and the source of this rivalry with your cousin. Are you envious of her? If so, what can you do about it? Are you trying to get a job? Improve your life? If not, how can you refocus so that what your cousin does, doesn't do, or gets, is irrelevant?
Lolaloud, as for feeling jealous of your cousin. Not everyone gets the same blueprint for life. Some of us lose our parents 20 to 30 years too soon. Some of us have their parents who live well into their 90's. Which is better?
Some have cousins who had to leave important employment to help care for a parent, where others had parents who could budget for caregivers to come into the house. Is one better than another?
Some had parents who died instantly, like from a fatal heart attack.... others had parents who had Alzheimer's for 15 years. Again, is one better than another?
Have your primary doctor recommend a talk-therapist where you can tell your feelings and the therapist gives you advice and recommend suggestions. You need to remove your focus of your cousin as it is taking up too much of your life.
Take all the negative energy and find something position to do with that energy. It will make you a much happier person :)
So that's pretty much it. To me, I don't much like getting gifts. Perhaps I feel I don't deserve them. (Hee hee, perhaps I DON'T). For me I love GIVING gifts, and feel that the gift I give is a gift to me. I sew something special for special people in my life; the choosing of the fabric, the zen of making the gift, are MINE. My gift to me, and then a gift to the person I think about, and sew health and love into each stitch.
We are all different. I agree with Mom. Don't worry about it. Life's too short.
Hugs out to you--may be be the gift of each person who knows you.
Your mother has the same caregiver as your aunt? Yet you say your cousin got out of care giving her mother, but you did not?
You have said:
"Lolaloud
Nov 18, 2019
We have a wonder helper aid that comes in takes mom out to shopping therapy doctors movies mall we all shop together she's a lot of fun even brings her dogs with her we had her for two years brings her daughter from time to time we are very lucky she goes out of her way she even helps my aunt that's how we found her she's a great cook I would it trust any one else but her she's also bonded
she's a big help even helped when she was in pain and her wisdom teeth pulled out last year when mom was in the hospital no one else would of even do that even her daughter helped that day too"
Perhaps you are already on edge with the stress of caregiving and the holidays and this was the tipping point for you. How is it that you can be giving and giving and not be recognized? How is that the the cousin can be absent and still be rewarded?
Something similar happened two years ago. My MIL lived with us and I did 90% of her care. Her other son (not my hubby) was poor mouthing that he didn't have food in his house (by the way, he makes double what my hubby and I do). For Christmas, she gave him $50 in groceries and she gave me a pair of socks. I admit, I was mad and my feelings were hurt. Why was I busting my butt to care for her when she was going to play favorites like that?
Your situation is different since it's a cousin instead of a sibling but I do understand. You are getting good advice to let it go. It is reality that people will sometimes behave in a way that you don't like. You can't change them but can change how much time you spend with them.
Many family’s stop giving presents outside immediate family once kids get to a certain age. Would get too damn expensive else !
Ive been with relatives who have handed out their “kids” presents whilst I happened to be there. Never crossed my mind to wonder why I didn’t get one knowing how much things cost. Just enjoyed the company and coffee.
If you mean that you felt your cousin was deliberately ensuring you saw she had a present - I’d feel sorry for her that her self worth is so poor she tries gaining pleasure by having a witness to her being worth a gift.
I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had such a rough year - mines been pretty bad too and if life were only halfway fair then all caregivers deserve a special acknowledgement gift.
Besides buying his gift, I’ve bought a gift, wrapped it and given to my dad to “give” to me whilst in hospital / care over a birthday / Christmas so he felt he’d given me something. Sometimes he’d forget to give it or start to open it - one time he even gave it to a nurse whilst I’d gone to sort out an issue elsewhere. 🤷♂️ Gotta laugh
You’re worth so much more than a purse, however really nice it was. A pretty item gives a temporary boost to the ego. To obtain true worth, live according to your values and create your life with meaning and purpose - When you're pleased with the person you've become-you'll experience a sense of peace throughout life's inevitable ups and downs. You'll believe in yourself regardless of whether you've been fired, gone through a divorce, or failed to get a promotion or a gift. Although ironically you’ll find more are attracted to and value you because of the value you show in yourself. Whereby your selfish cousin will be still reliant on her next boost to her ego via your uncle.
I hope life improves for you and your mum. Shall be thinking of you and hoping the New Year brings good health and happiness to you and your mum.
Regards,
I'm still not clear why you are living with your parents and without a real job and W2 income; you will need Social Security and savings in your old age in order to live. Your parents HAVE resources for care yes? SS, they can get Medicaid if necessary.
Why are you staying, getting yelled at and putting yourself in a position to be jealous of a cousin who doesn't have to care for her mom? You can leave...is there a reason that you don't?
Taking care of your mother and not being paid is between you and your mother. Other family members have no obligation to step in.
" just happen to open it in front of me being really shady about it."
Maybe your visit coincided with the gift opening between the family members at your Aunt and Uncles' home. At least cousin tried to be subtle (your words were 'Shady'), and hide it from you so you would not feel bad (but failed). Discreet may not be her best quality. Or her father was not discreet or timely
in the gift giving department?
Why would they need to be? Could you be happy for your cousin?
Again, you have stated: " we don't do gifts".
But their family does, between themselves.
Those are just the facts, realities of social interactions.
Sorry you felt left out and slighted.
At your age, maybe better to be buying yourself your own gifts?
How did you come to be living with your parents at 46 years old?
There is a better life for you, start planning now maybe?
You or others maybe thinking I am making a big deal over this for you.
I have, and wanted you to understand that you can let it go, even if it was your feelings that were hurt. Letting it go, from your heart and mind, does not invalidate that you have those feelings, It is just not good for yourself to be rehearsing them. Let it go! imo.
Your feelings count Lola!
Going to Psychology Today's website, I found this:
"A sibling relationship, given the typical course of a life time, lasts longer than any other relationship an individual will have—longer than relationships with parents, partners, children, and, most likely, friends. Thus, clarifying or resolving a sibling relationship is extremely important to one’s well-being because cooperation between siblings is often needed when taking care of aging parents, as well as potentially taking care of each other."
Think of your COUSIN as a sibling in this context. She will be there when both of your parents are gone. If she is spoiled, and intolerable, getting out of care giving somehow, and treats you poorly, then maybe you don't want a relationship with her at all, for the rest of your life. But it seems to bother you that you are an only child?
If you have any relationship insights, and can develop a better relationship with her in the future, would that be something you might try?
Again, can you learn some on your own about sibling rivalry (includes cousins)?
Your reaction to the situation is the problem. If you are nearing burnout, go for professional help.
You may be the only one who can help yourself. You can give that gift to yourself!
You can search online some "Psychology Today" articles that may help you get on with your own life. It does not mean you are crazy if you need a little help.
And, as always, there are some compassionate people on this forum who can walk you through some of the more difficult parts of care giving and breaking free from that role, and making your life better for you.
Wishing you the best of your life in the near future Lola.
Is your cousin your aunt and uncle's daughter?
With your attitude, (expectation of receiving, attitude of entitlement), you are not going to enjoy life very much.
You said: "We don't do gifts".
Why would you feel slighted at all? Just don't.
Sibling (and cousin) rivalry is the worst!
Change yourself, think of others, not what you did not GET.
What was the "gifts" you gave to others this year?
If you are under 12, or have a developmental disorder, then you still have time to adjust your attitude.
Forgive me for being a grandma and wishing parents could teach their children better how life works. Is there a reason you don't want to let it go as your mother has advised you? I agree with your mother, do let it go. If you keep holding on to thoughts like this, you will build resentment and bitterness in your heart that will block anything good in your life.
Lecture over.
Merry Christmas Lola!