My mother is so use to me taking care of everything for her that she expects it. She will say sarcastically, "Oh it is good that you are so good at doing that." She has a habit of berating me to her friends and family all my life.
It is not as if she is grateful to have someone looking out for her or making her appts., paying her bills, ordering her supplies, taking care of a multitude of details, she expects it. There is not a shred of appreciation. She was diagnosed most of my life with depression and bipolar disorder and when I share more about her with others, they will say, it sounds like she is also narcissistic. If I ever try to share my feelings, she says "go home" and does not want to discuss it. I am 67 years old and I am sad and exhausted from her toxic behavior and attitude. It has scarred me.Thanks for your help and support.
We think my mum may be depressed and possibly have early dementia, and wrote to her doctor about it, but when we went in all they did was take a blood sample.
I'm not even 57 yet and don't know how I'm going to manage another possible 10 years of this without getting mentally ill again myself.
Often we feel as though we have to meet a loved one's needs because they can't be met by somebody else. But actually, once you work through the list of requirements, everything almost always CAN be done by someone else and it becomes a practical matter of recruiting volunteers or paid services.
The thing is, your mother expects you to do all this work for her - and work it is, call it by its name - and gives you not even thanks or appreciation in return. But you know that this is her attitude. It is not going to change. Persevering in the hope that one day she will fall on your neck, embrace and bless you is... sad.
So. WHY are you doing this work?
If it's because you want to do it, regardless of your mother's attitude, then go ahead but change your expectations of her.
If it's because you long for it to lead to a mutually loving and supportive mother-daughter relationship - then change what you're doing, and work on building a relationship with her that is less damaging and exploitative.
We got carers in when we went on a long holiday and Mum threw an emotional scene saying she was so unhappy and wanted to die just because she thought my husband was never going to take her shopping again. She complains every month about paying them, even though they are probably on minimum wages.
I have actually accepted that my mum's attitude to me will not change, though it's hard to undo the damage her narcissism did to me when I was too young to understand why she acted as she did. I don't think we're sad but we are certainly a bit cowardly. I am trying my best to find a way forward that will meet some of all our needs, but it isn't easy. It's easy to say 'build a relationship that's less damaging', and it's good advice, but I'm not a therapist and don't know how to do it.
I wish you the best.
How old is your mother? She doesn't live with you, right? How far away is she, and how many times a week do you have to do things for her? How many hours in a week does it take?
My mother in unappreciative of what I did for her, too. She gave me her car (Blue Book value $3K), and for that expected me to do all sorts of driving around for her. No gas $. She wouldn't let me do things like grocery shop for her (which would have been easy to do when I did my own grocery shopping). No. She had to come along and pick out every item, check every expiration date, etc. It took HOURS...
I set limits on my driving (to weekly Mass, medical/dental appts., one shopping trip/week), and she didn't like it at first. But she adapted.
When I mentioned payment, she got angry and practically hissed at me, "You don't pay family!" She said my time wasn't worth anything. One time she ordered me to do something that involved Internet research, and I suggested my most do-nothing brother do it. She did her crying/shaking/shaming/blaming number on me. "NO! *HIS* time is valuable!" (This brother's time was so valuable that he went 5 years one time without seeing my parents and was heading towards nearly 2 years without seeing my mother when this incident happened.)
Do you feel like this, too? Honestly, I remember something going very still inside me when this happened. It was yet another part of a wall going up inside me. More distance between us that I felt was necessary to protect myself.
BTW, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I, too, lost my son, almost 9 years ago when he was a young adult. And you are so right -- this is a loss one doesn't ever get over!
I often resented her absence when I was a kid, and as I recall, I was a VERY TOUGH KID to raise, which no doubt made things worse.
She herself was from a family of 7, and there was always some dear aunt or uncle to fill in the gap when she wan’t leaving the house, sometimes for months at a stretch.
My father was my closest companion, and I doubt that that helped her too much either.
When he died, as her adult daughter, many of his tasks fell to me, and over time, she and we began to grow closer. When she was 90, a badly broken hip and vascular dementia made her my dependent. Although I took care of her for a year at home, I understood by then that she wasn’t able to monitor her own conduct, and although my life was exhausting during the 7-8 years she was more-all care, I was willing to deal with it, I guess feeling grateful for the fact that she did begin to express some feeling for me.
Tough situation, no matter who’s on what side. A chronic complainer is never ever really happy.
A few years ago I put a stop to the berating. Mom was loosing her independence but her complaints increasingly focused on me. I talked to the ones she complained to. I asked them directly to tell her to stop. If they passively listen and support these false narratives, I explained it was hurtful to be on the receiving end of all blame as the daughter taking care of her business. For example, I would experience her complaints, then she would call around to see who would listen again, then I would get a call recounting it again. This wasted my energies.
Even when it came to doctor's appointments about her health. We were not at her doctor's appointments so she could complain about me. Partly it was cognitive decline but also in line with her personality. I had to ask the doctor to do the cognitive assessment tests rather than accept her complaints as family stress.
I had to become more involved over time with her daily needs when it was clear she was giving things away inappropriately or being influenced into questionable arrangements. I felt an obligation because she is my mother to protect and find the best care for her, but have realized there is a limit. When it comes to bad behavior, don't argue. Learn to walk away.
Now that a caregiver is needed, you need to go into a caregiver mode and emotionally remove yourself from daughter mode. You are the capable adult so take the reigns and do as a caregiver should.. Not as a daughter should. If no one likes it, do as a caregiver could. Step back and let someone else do the job. Caregiving is a thankless job. Don't let ANYONE control you. That's the best thing you can do for yourself. It certainly works for me. Good luck to you!!!
this book is a start by psychologist Dr. PAUL Chafetz called Loving Hard-To-Love Parents: A Handbook for Adult Children of Difficult Older Parents. It’s a thin handbook and worth buying on amazon. It will help you understand her behavior and how to deal with it. He also does Skype sessions.
Im not certain why you would think she'd change at this stage. She won't and you know this.
If you want to do the right thing and keep on taking care of her, then suck it up and know it's never going to change.
Sorry, but you've really enabled it too long at this stage.
I disagree that bpearl has to do the "right thing." Just because you sacrificed yourself and your health to your mother, doesn't mean that everyone else has to (or that it is the "right thing" to do). bpearl has been emotionally scarred by her mother, and in my mind the "right thing" is for her to step back from her toxic mother.
I can count on one finger the times I have heard thank you or please from my father.
He like most others with dementia cannot feel much except anger when you try to explain things to them.
Keep doing the best you can. Watch some Teepa Snow videos on dealing with dementia.
Hugs and prayers lovr
We do not OWE our assistance to anyone not appreciative - we do not OWE for the privilege of being born.
That said, one reason your mother may talk down about you to her friends is due to being embarrassed that she is needing so much help and doesn't want her friends to know. However, this does NOT excuse her being toxic to you when you're alone with her.
In your place, I would tell her that since she isn't happy with me, she can hire someone to do all the chores you've been doing for free. You deserve to be happy too.
As for me, I wake in the morning resenting Mother. I go through the day trying to understanding the tapestry of her life. At night I fall asleep sad knowing that she is too old to change and scared that my feelings will transform me into her when I am where she is now.
Mostly, I have resolved that she will never just give her love to me as she is incapable. So, I try as best I can to tell myself this is a job. I just take care of business. It's not easy to detach emotionally like that, but I have come to realize it's a way to shut down her covert narcissistic behavior. 😐
If you think about it, the people who decide to tell you something negative that someone said about you are being as mean as your mom. Birds of a feather pretty much sums that up and I don't think you need any additional birds in your aviary right now. Figure out what you will say so you are prepared for the next call.
You're already aware of her past diagnosis - both explain her current behavior. Does she take meds for these problems? You might need to ask the doctor, via phone call or email, prior to next visit so he can talk around this area. Maybe meds can be adjusted.
When she tells you to go home, do you go? Or do you fall into the common trap of apologizing for what you said and you remain with her. Next time, go home when she tells you to. Trust me, she really doesn't want you to go home because that leaves her with no one to be negative with.
Perhaps talk with a counselor to help you find better replies to things she says. Someone told me about using the statement 'That may be, however....' when someone tosses out a totally different subject when they don't want to address the problem at hand. It acknowledges that they tossed the comment out there, but reels you right back into the current issue.
You reminded me of a “Go home” story with my kid. When my oldest daughter was young she was friends with the child next door. This kid was a couple of years older. She was four, an adorable blonde with curls and blue eyes. I swear she looked angelic!
My daughter was two and just as cute! The neighbor kid would go for the jugular and loved seeing my kid cry when she told her to go home.
I tried speaking to the child’s mom but she wasn’t one that wanted to hear about her child’s behavior and acted like her daughter was a little angel and my kid was overly sensitive.
They were kids that wanted to play but had lessons to learn. I wanted to give them a chance to work it out.
So, I had a little chat with my daughter. I explained that her friend next door got a kick out of seeing her cry when she told her to go home after five minutes of playing.
So I told my daughter to invite the child to our house and when she tried to bully her that she had my permission to tell her to go home. She did! Sure enough, the kid tried to bully my kid and my daughter knowing that she had my permission said in an angry voice, “Go home!”
The kid freaked out and ran to me crying and said that my daughter just told her to go home. I looked at the kid and said, “You heard her. She asked you to leave so leave, so go home. When you learn not to tell her to go home, you can play again.”
The next day she asked if my daughter could play over. She never went for the jugular again! She never told my kid to go home again and my kid did not come home crying because she only got to play for five minutes. They ended up being great friends!
Oh, her mom, she ended up telling me that she was embarrassed to have a bratty kid and did not no how to handle it. She said that she was so glad that my daughter told her daughter to go home and that she was the one crying that day because that was the only thing that stopped her bullying.
The neighbor child was the kind of kid that always had to have her way. She did not know how to take turns when playing a game. If my daughter tried to take a turn she would order her to go home. Her mom tried to tell her to be nice but she wouldn’t listen.
Kids are trying to find their place in this world and it takes time for them to learn. Parents have to learn too. We can read a million books but parenting is a challenge.
My second daughter was strong willed like the neighbor kid who is a very smart 33 year old woman in the business world today!
They are a challenge. Some of their strong willed qualities take them far in life but they drive us crazy as kids! Hahaha
Maybe I shouldn't ask this here, but I noticed your British spelling of mum, so just wondered if you are British :)
Anyway, your post registered with me on several points. My brother is also the golden child in our family (just the two of us). I was over at mum's from Thursday night til Saturday. I went over to give her some potatoes. She had called earlier in the day on the Thursday to say she was almost out of food I was going shopping with my friend and offered to pick up what she needed and that was what she told me. I had also been there last month and she uses paper towel to cover the bottom of the kitchen window at night because the blind broke months (maybe years) ago and hasn't been replaced so I took a pair of curtains that I no longer use over as well. I doubt they will ever get put up as she never uses anything I give her even when she's ecstatic about getting anything. Why my brother, who lives with her can't put drapes or a towel rack (that I gave her several years ago for Christmas) up I will never know. He's never held a job, I don't even know if he got his grade 12.he has had MS since he was about 40) He's great at authority but not responsibility. I'm the one that feels responsible, as the oldest, but I don't have the authority to do much because mum always defers to him. He's good at telling her what food is downstairs (in fact, he brought up a bag of potatoes around the time I arrived.) But he only lets her have whatever it is when he decides she needs them. There is so much I want to say about this last visit, but here's the crux: I offered to take her and drop her off at the grocers and then take the cab home (I can't drive--now she wishes I could, or had a boyfriend that could.) well she hemmed and hawed about it until it was too late. We ended up sending out for chicken and I stayed another night. Saturday, my brother finally decided to go to the store. He freaked out because he couldn't find the shopping bags. Swearing and yelling at me and mum. Anyway, after he left mum said he was upset because he couldn't sit in the living room when I was there. And tried to convince me that he and I have never gotten along (we do now). But I have never said I didn't want him in the living room and that that was his problem, not mine and I have often talked to mum on the phone and she's said she's alone so I've asked if Mike was out and she's told me he's in his room. She won't knock the door and ask him to come out and be with her. That's been the problem, our family was just four people sharing the house.
I try to help mum now but my brother steps in and undermines everything I do. The last few days has seemed like roller-coaster. I want to get off but except for changing my phone number and/ or moving far away I don't know how. I've tried not calling her and turning the phone off but I can always expect a call or one more missed call (it's always her) except perhaps on the weekend, but that isn't true all the time anymore. I'm 63 and not trained to deal with this!!!!!!!
I can sympathise with you totally, i had the same experience. For your own sanity just do what you think is right but take care of your own wellbeing also.
if you ever want to talk i will keep in contact with you.
when she says go home, then go home once you know she is safe, fed and watered and takes her meds. That is all you can do!
sue x